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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Regret having 3rd child

185 replies

Newusername3kidss · 11/04/2022 05:51

Have name changed as people know me on here. I know I am being unreasonable as children are a blessing and he was very much wanted but honestly if I could go back I wouldn’t have had a third. They are 8, 6 and 18 months and everything is just hard work because of the youngest.

Went on holiday last week and from the flight to every meal time to every painful bedtime all I kept thinking was we’d be having such a lovely time if it was just the 4 of us. My older boys are at thar brilliant stage where they are a bit independent but also want to spend time with me and I feel like I’m missing out so much as so much of my time and effort is spent with the youngest who just never stops. If someone out there has been in similar position please tell me it gets easier as I’m going under at the moment. We had such a great dynamic the 4 of us and I feel that rather than “completing” our family having a third has just messed it up.

OP posts:

OwlinaTree · 11/04/2022 08:59

Sympathy to you op, it sounds tough. It will get easier - 18 months is a challenging age!

AProperStinging · 11/04/2022 08:59

[quote Chestnutpony]@Aproperstinging It's not about guilt. It's a really hard age in a hard situation. I was suggesting a bit of thankful mindfulness, as while it won't make it easy, I find it can help sometimes.[/quote]
That's not remotely what your post said. You shared something truly dreadful that happened to you which was bound to make the op feel even worse for finding her life hard. Grim

imhereforthecake · 11/04/2022 09:03

For someone expecting their third in less than two months - this thread is terrifying.

Sceptre86 · 11/04/2022 09:03

What did you think was going to happen? You've gone back to the baby stage again so yes that requires lots of energy and baby demands a lot of your time, that's normal. I don't doubt it's harder to go on holiday with a toddler as there's more to think about, plan and take with you but again that is normal. My third just slots into the older twos routine but she's an easygoing baby (7 months) and I appreciate it's harder if baby isn't or you don't have much support. You sound like you didn't think 3 kids through properly. It will get easier as the toddler gets older but that can be hard to see when you're in the thick of it. Don't see that there is anything else you can do mum muddle through the toddler phase and then enjoy it more when you come out of the other side.

3littleowls · 11/04/2022 09:03

I have three at ages 6, 4 and 22 months and I completely understand how frazzled and chaotic it can feel at times OP. I have seen so much difference in the last few months with my youngest at just a little bit older than your youngest OP - she listens more and understands more and can play better with my 4 year old so it's not always up to me to entertain her. Hang on in there - it will get easier in many ways very soon, and I've seen this age is one of the toughest with three children in other families I know. Once the youngest is growing more and more independent, it becomes easier to manage trips out I've been assured! Could you have the odd trip out with your two eldest while someone looks after your youngest so as to have a bit of time doing things at their level and stage? I've tried this a few times and my elder two enjoy the faster pace we can go and not having to hold back so much for the youngest.

Sceptre86 · 11/04/2022 09:11

@imhereforthecake Why would you experience similar to op, you might well not. I haven't. I'm more relaxed as a mum of 3, I can't be everywhere, do everything so prioritise and make sure each kid gets one on one time through the course of the week. I don't overload the kids schedules, so I'm not doing lots of pick ups or drop offs. It's easier if you have a partner who shares the parenting of course but you need to be realistic about it too.

RaspberryChouxBuns · 11/04/2022 09:11

Is there anything enjoyable about having an 18 month old?! No matter what position they are in the family they can be an absolute nightmare You're nearly there, you're nearly out of the trenches. Once that baby is out of nappies you'll rediscover that freedom. Try to make time for the older ones one on one or just time without the baby, being 8 and 6 sometimes they'll just want to do "big kid" things with Mum/Dad. You're a good Mum by the sounds of it, it really is this hard!

PinkSyCo · 11/04/2022 09:12

For someone expecting their third in less than two months - this thread is terrifying.

Don’t worry. I found having my 1st and 2nd a bigger shock/adjustment than having my 3rd. I’m sure you’ll baby will slot in just fine.

Fundays12 · 11/04/2022 09:13

@Ilikecheeseontoast

Yes! I’m in exactly the same position and the youngest is such hard work! He’s 20 months and spends most days screaming, wrecking his older siblings play, making a mess or trying to involve himself in dangerous situations… from running across a car park to jumping in the duck pond. I’m constantly on high alert and it’s really affecting my mental health at the moment. I feel like I’m on the verge of depression with it all. I really hope things improve over the next year. Obviously I love him and he’s the cutest, cuddliest little ball of swishy fun but I often pine for ‘the old days’. No advice just solidarity!

Likecheeseontoast. One of my kids was like this invest in a decent set of reins if you haven’t already . The old fashioned type that go over there front. They make life so much less stressful plus give your toddler a little freedom within a safe confines.

Hannah654321 · 11/04/2022 09:14

I have two children at the moment... this thread has made me realise I definitely don't want three!!

Giraffesandbottoms · 11/04/2022 09:23

@imhereforthecake

SnowingInApril · 11/04/2022 09:26

18 months is such a difficult age. Not yet potty trained, so still lugging a changing bag everywhere. Too little to walk all day, although they probably want to! Thus needing a pushchair, which is a pain on holidays with steps and luggage etc. Not quite big enough for a bed, too big for a cot. Needing a high chair at meal times. Factoring in naps.
I mean I could go on. Plus you have the added bonus of seeing their older siblings doing all these v exciting activities that they want to but can’t. Lots of tears of frustration for the youngest.

Like all these things, it will pass and it will get better. I found the turning point to be age 4 for the youngest but you never know, yours may come earlier.

MargaritasOnMe · 11/04/2022 09:31

@imhereforthecake don't worry! It will honestly be fine! I described my 3 as "carnage" and it is but also it's brilliant! Wouldn't swap my dc or my life now for anything!!

Ilikecheeseontoast · 11/04/2022 09:32

[quote Giraffesandbottoms]@imhereforthecake

I am also expecting my third shortly - don’t let this thread bother you. People on MN don’t seem to enjoy having children and make a huge meal out of it/plenty of threads where they regret having one or find two difficult etc. If you have enjoyed two and enjoy parenting I’m sure it will be fine, don’t worry.[/quote]
I massively enjoyed having two and was the happiest, most chilled out parent. 3 is a whole different ball game in my experience. Please don’t minimise people’s experience or judge unfairly. The OP was asking for support rather than judgement.

Scarybutnecassary · 11/04/2022 09:49

@RaspberryChouxBuns

Is there anything enjoyable about having an 18 month old?! No matter what position they are in the family they can be an absolute nightmare

You're nearly there, you're nearly out of the trenches. Once that baby is out of nappies you'll rediscover that freedom. Try to make time for the older ones one on one or just time without the baby, being 8 and 6 sometimes they'll just want to do "big kid" things with Mum/Dad. You're a good Mum by the sounds of it, it really is this hard!

Really lovely,kind ,supportive advice 💕

kmbegs · 11/04/2022 10:19

I agree with everyone 18 months is a really really difficult stage. My DS is 2 and we recently went out for lunch with my brother and his 18 month old and I had forgotten how much work it was at that age, and mine isn't even much older! It gets massively easier once they hit 2. Stick in, it'll be worth it one day.

napody · 11/04/2022 10:27

I decided against a third myself but just wanted to say I love being one of three siblings myself. So don’t feel guilty about what they’re experiencing right now, I think there’s a good chance they’ll appreciate being three as they grow up. The dynamics seem more intense in other ways with two- for example when it’s one’s birthday, it’s the other ones not-birthday if that makes sense! When there’s three of you, you all have to be a bit more low maintenance!
Of course it will get easier over the next couple of years, hang in there and echo all comments saying make sure you rotate kids with your DH and don’t end up with the toddler all the time.

Himawarigirl · 11/04/2022 10:43

I have a 9, 6 and almost 3 yr old. It does get easier. I would never have tried to go on a proper holiday with the ages you have and covid saved us from having to contemplate it. But we’re on a trip visiting family at the moment and it’s made me realise that my youngest is so much easier now. He doesn’t need someone watching him every minute, naps are dropping so days are more flexible. It’s so tough at the ages you have and I can totally understand that you have moments where you know how it would feel as a family of four and it would be awesome. Having three is relentless and your youngest is at a tough age. But once they’re 2 and onwards the youngest starts to be a person and part of the gang rather than an add on baby. So I hope things will look up for you soon. And keep in mind a holiday will throw it all into relief as it’s tricky to manage everyone’s needs and so appealing to see how easy it would be with just your older two. Due to covid our youngest didn’t cause any real sacrifices as we couldn’t do anything anyway. But I can understand how you feel. We’ve taken the longer view, we knew we were signing up for a hard few years and have been looking forward to our youngest reaching the age that we knew things got easier with our first two. Good luck.

budgiegirl · 11/04/2022 11:06

[quote Giraffesandbottoms]@imhereforthecake

I am also expecting my third shortly - don’t let this thread bother you. People on MN don’t seem to enjoy having children and make a huge meal out of it/plenty of threads where they regret having one or find two difficult etc. If you have enjoyed two and enjoy parenting I’m sure it will be fine, don’t worry.[/quote]
I think it's unfair to say that people on MN don't enjoy having children, just because they are struggling sometimes.

IME, having three is a big jump from having two (I appreciate not everyone feels that way). I found it to be the biggest jump of all. I don't regret it, and I enjoy having children very much (although they're all grown up now), but there were many, many times when I wondered why I'd chosen to do it all again.

When my youngest was 18 months, my elder two were 5 and 4, and were becoming more independent. It was very hard (especially on holiday) not to think "This would be so easy with just the two older ones". Then I'd feel guilty for feeling that way.

OP, this is the toughest time. It will pass. It's fantastic having three, especially once they are older, but it's ok to feel overwhelmed by it all sometimes. Having three kids is tough! But you'll get there, and it will get easier.

MrsSkylerWhite · 11/04/2022 11:08

This too will pass.

Silvercatowner · 11/04/2022 11:12

Sorry not helpful
So why bloody say it??

HardbackWriter · 11/04/2022 11:13

I also think this is as much about the age as about three. I have a nearly four year old and a 14 month old - the 14 month old is not quite walking but desperate to so hates any activity where he is still (e.g. his buggy, the car). I adore him and am so glad we had him but right now it feels like the world is full of activities that would be brilliant fun to do with my preschooler but that are just such hard work with his little brother. It'll pass, I tell myself, it'll pass!

CornishGem1975 · 11/04/2022 11:21

[quote Giraffesandbottoms]@imhereforthecake

I am also expecting my third shortly - don’t let this thread bother you. People on MN don’t seem to enjoy having children and make a huge meal out of it/plenty of threads where they regret having one or find two difficult etc. If you have enjoyed two and enjoy parenting I’m sure it will be fine, don’t worry.[/quote]
I had my third child after a 13-year break so it was a really big challenge going back to babies and toddlers again but I wouldn't change a thing.

Of course, it's hard work but honestly? No harder than having just one or two because all children are different and make different demands.

If you don't want hard work, and you want an easy life - don't have kids!

Ilikecheeseontoast · 11/04/2022 11:25

This makes me feel so much better!

Foxglovesandlilacs86 · 11/04/2022 11:58

It'll get easier, probably quite soon actually. Once the youngest gets nearer to 3 it will be lovely.

I have 8! I find 1 to about 2 and a half really hard, I do know why I've put myself through it so many time tbh they're manageable when there's only one but with other kids too it can be overwhelming.

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