Regret having 3rd child

[Newusername3kidss]

Have name changed as people know me on here. I know I am being unreasonable as children are a blessing and he was very much wanted but honestly if I could go back I wouldn’t have had a third. They are 8, 6 and 18 months and everything is just hard work because of the youngest.

Went on holiday last week and from the flight to every meal time to every painful bedtime all I kept thinking was we’d be having such a lovely time if it was just the 4 of us. My older boys are at thar brilliant stage where they are a bit independent but also want to spend time with me and I feel like I’m missing out so much as so much of my time and effort is spent with the youngest who just never stops. If someone out there has been in similar position please tell me it gets easier as I’m going under at the moment. We had such a great dynamic the 4 of us and I feel that rather than “completing” our family having a third has just messed it up.

Whoa there are a lot of bitchy replies on here.

The age gap isn't even that large, 4 years. It's just very apparent now, but in a couple of years will seem much less.

18 months is a horrible age, you must remember from your earlier two. It will all be different in 6-12 months.

Make sure your DH takes the little one sometimes so you have time with the big ones- not always you with the baby.

18 months ia a tricky age, mobile but no sense, opinionated but not able to verbalise it

opinionated but not able to verbalise it

DC3 (1.5) deals with this by pointing and screeching like you wouldn’t believe. Neither of the older ones screeched.

Solidarity, OP. It’ll work out.

Haven't RTFT and I don't have 3 myself but I remember disliking when my DD was 18months with a passion.
She didn't sleep well, climbed out of her buggy constantly, didn't eat, didn't want to get dressed and was constantly dragging me off in another direction. Once you are past 2.5 with your youngest I'm sure it will get a little easier.

Hang on in there [flowers}

Ah, sorry

That's not remotely what your post said. You shared something truly dreadful that happened to you which was bound to make the op feel even worse for finding her life hard. Grim

@AProperStinging I took exactly the meaning @Chestnutpony ascribes to her post - thankful mindfulness.

Your reply is incredibly insensitive. Especially your use of 'grim' at the end

You’re not alone OP. I know several couples who had a third with an age gap and found it really hard.

I have three but I had three in three years which has its own challenges but they can all play together.

I know two couples who had children aged 6 and 8 and another who had children aged 9 and 7 when they had a third. One couple bitterly regrets it because their third child was really hard work for the first five years and mum feels she effectively missed out on five years with her other two children.

@Scarybutnecassary

OP first of all,it will get easier…I promise! Same age gap when my 3rd was born . Birth…failed epidural, felt incision for ELCS ,too much pain relief which crossed placenta so son on SCBU for two days ! Three weeks,aspiration pneumonia in PICU dot 4 days Diagnosed with GERD All the above led to regular hospital admission throughout baby/toddlerhood Son was very stressy and tricky as a result of his medical problems. Somehow we got through ,elder two just spent a lot of time at friends and grandmas . Got the older two to play,read with baby ,so they felt more involved. Now fast forward 20+ years ,growing up all three have been really close,all very different personalities and my son is a lovely,wise,funny,sporty and very sociable guy. Off traveling once he finishes his economic degree and I can honestly say he is absolutely brilliant and is a huge asset to our family. Hang on ….it will get easier.💐

Thank you!! This has made me feel better!

@GnomeDePlume

At 18 months your youngest hasn't yet slotted into being part of 'us'. At the moment 'us' is you, DH and DCs 1&2. DC3 is an extra to 'us'.

It's a bit like having to take a random school friend everywhere with you. They are unpredictable, don't necessarily want the same food, need a different bedtime. The list goes on.

But the good thing is that they will get more predictable. They will soon become one of 'us'. This speeds up when they start to talk and make sense. As a PP said, as the youngest they do tend to get pulled along by older siblings. You will then have to remind yourself of the age gap from time to time.

It gets better.

Thank you, yes I think that’s it - he’s not quite slotted in yet. The random school friend comment made me laugh

@Fundays12

Hi OP I have 3 and it is hard work. The pandemic has made it so much harder having a baby or toddler too and thrown in difficulties unless you have a toddler and school age kids you can’t imagine, I have a 10 year old, 5.5 year old and a 2 year old. My youngest is 2 years 8 months and things are now getting easier. He still needs lots of supervision but I always found 18 months the hardest stage. Suddenly he will sit and play with his older siblings happily in the living room while I clean the kitchen, he can go into our fully enclosed locked garden without me having to hold his hand and just play. He can eat independently and drink from a cup well. He is potty trained. I just feel like I can breathe.

It does get easier i promise but right now you are at the difficult stage. If you can afford it try get your little one into a childminder or nursery one day a week. This has made a huge difference to me mentally. Also try not to plan things that toddlers get easily bored at. Family meals in restaurants are not fun with 3 kids including a toddler order a pizza instead, go to a park and let them run around and tire themselves out, get out of everyday, put them in the garden with lunch to play and get your little one tired out. Get him to toddler groups when you can.

Thank you - good to know there’s light at the end of the tunnel!

@Brightsunshinyday

Mine are 10, 7 and 2 and I completely understand the sentiment. In response to all the people on here questioning our decision to have a third with such a large age gap: I HAD FORGOTTEN WHAT IT'S LIKE TO HAVE A TODDLER! OP, as the little one gets older, it gets much easier. I try to squeeze in time with just the older two where I can, for example picking the younger one up from nursery later so I can have a boardgame with them. There are also activities that all three enjoy, for example, going swimming or - weirdly - grocery shopping. The older ones often come to join story time too. And we all love baking together. The little one will be able to fit in with more activities as they get older. At 28 months, we even go to the cinema with the whole family. Hang in there!

Cinema with all of them is the dream!! Thank you

Thank you for all the kind comments. For the few “you’re a dick for not knowing it would be hard” comments I found 1 baby easy and 1 to 2 fine as well. I assumed because the older two were more independent I would find a 3rd easy. Didn’t realise I’d miss older ones as much. Because I only recently stopped breastfeeding the default was husband does the (fun) stuff with older two and I’d be stuck with the baby. I need to make sure we switch this up more.

And only one “I’m personally responsible for killing the world by having 3 kids” comment. Not bad for mumsnet

I’m sure you knew there would be these downsides, but you wanted to have a third anyway. Focus on the things that made you want a third child.

The fact you didn’t feel your family was complete with 2? The wish to have a bigger family? Wanting to see your older ones as big siblings? Even just biological urge which meant you weren’t happy without a third.

There must have been reasons - remember those and you will be more at peace with the way things are.

And remember, your third child will be an older child and an adult for a LOT longer than he’ll be a baby and toddler. This is just a phase!

Hi OP, I had a surprise 3rd in lockdown, after being fully convinced our family of 2 boys was done and dusted (I was also aged 44 so truly did not think any more children were on the cards). When she was born the boys were 7 and 6. The little one is now 21 months and honestly you’ve been on holiday at the worst age and I remember thinking that myself in February half-term holiday where it really felt very much “same stuff different place”. 18 months is so difficult - too big to be carted round compliantly, and too small to really do a lot of stuff with, and mine was either whining about being in the buggy or whining about being out of the buggy.

A couple of months later and things are getting easier - she’s able to make herself understood better, she has always been a good sleeper, although we’re not planning holidays for a while apart from visiting family where there are other kids so her entertainment is baked in. It’s hard especially when your older 2 are at such a nice age. But you’ll get there! I have no real suggestions but just wanted to show solidarity.

It’s hard. 1 year olds are a nightmare. Beautiful cherubs who can move fast with no comprehension of danger at all.

It’s so tiring and so much to do at home and to juggle, never feeling you get the balance right.

But time passes! Things get easier. The little one says funny things and laughs at the big ones jokes.

I can remember the first time we got in the car and everyone fastened their own seat belts and the first time we ate dinner and there was no need to sweep up.
Those things sound trivial but they were big landmarks.

My 4 are teens and young adults. They are great and love each other. Everything changes.

Good luck @Newusername3kidss there are plenty of us who found the jump from 2 to
3 tough despite having logically understood that it would be tougher. I found three exponentially more difficult - you haven't enough hands between the two of you, you can't listen to all of them at the same time and it just is harder.
And 18 months is the thick of it in terms of needing eyes in the back of your head, more sleep and having to negotiate demands and moods.
So I send you my sympathy as it is tough and I think make sure to get some time to yourself as much as you can and look for trips with kids clubs and other activities that don't involve both parents all the time. Could you set a time each day for quiet time where all three children listen to music or an audio book or the older ones read while the younger one watches tv with your DH so you can get out for a walk?
It will pass - my three are 9, 7 and 5 now and we have definitely entered a new phase.

Mine were 5 and 7 when youngest was born. There’s lots of lovely things about having a little one, their relationship and the gap which are great - but it is bloody hard work. Even now youngest is 4 it hasn’t really got better (sorry). Imagine trying to have an in-depth discussion about a 12 year old’s geography homework whilst a four year old is screaming in your face because they are not getting enough attention. That was today.

I think it’s important to make time for all of them. I’ve had to dial it back at work to facilitate this and basically don’t have any me time. But we make a point of, for example, playing g a board game with the older two once the little one is on bed and I take them out on Saturdays while DH stays with little one.

Despite that I love having three and wouldn’t change it for anything.

@Ablababla

Mine were 5 and 7 when youngest was born. There’s lots of lovely things about having a little one, their relationship and the gap which are great - but it is bloody hard work. Even now youngest is 4 it hasn’t really got better (sorry). Imagine trying to have an in-depth discussion about a 12 year old’s geography homework whilst a four year old is screaming in your face because they are not getting enough attention. That was today.

I think it’s important to make time for all of them. I’ve had to dial it back at work to facilitate this and basically don’t have any me time. But we make a point of, for example, playing g a board game with the older two once the little one is on bed and I take them out on Saturdays while DH stays with little one.

Despite that I love having three and wouldn’t change it for anything.

I go through the same struggles too with my youngest who is 4yo. It doesn't get much easier in a lot of ways 😬

My eldest is used to all the interruptions during the day so we talk with the older ones in the evenings now about anything meaningful so they get my full attention.

Oh I agree the age gap long term isn’t anything to even look at but the gap between say a baby:toddler and a more able child is big when young.

Once they start primary is all even stevens over which child brings home the drama or needs the extra help. Just baby toddler stage is exactly that and it’s work in Its self without having more able children when you remember back to these things being so easy before.

My problem is oldest and youngest tag team about middle now 😅 then sometimes we have girls v boys and oldest loses out there.

I have 3 with similar age gaps. Now they are a little older it's much easier! What I enjoy about having 3 is life is so busy that adding another couple of children (ie friends/ cousins) doesn't feel too crazy and as such our house feels really welcoming.

I do understand about feeling all attention needs to be on the youngest and missing out on the fun things with the others but it's a short phase. My youngest is so much more self sufficient and really does slot in now.

Plus as an adult I like having 2 siblings. It was comforting when my parents died and it makes Christmas and other occasions more fun.

OP I hear you and please ignore the nasty replies.

I have 3, they are now 20, 19 and 15. 21 month gap (hard work!), then a 4 year gap. Dd3 felt like a real treat as a baby/toddler, we had a lot of fun together when the older 2 were at school. She had a cheeky funny sense about her that my more serious older two didn’t have. She has a wonderful way with words and makes us all laugh.

For us the challenge has been dd3 being diagnosed with autism aged 11. We’ve had and still have huge problems surrounding this and family life can be tough sometimes. She is now 15 which is hard enough at the best of times. I too wonder how much simpler life would be if we’d stopped at 2. But then I make myself think positively - what fun and joy she has brought to our family, how sweet, loving (and funny) she can be. The tough times will pass eventually.

The dynamics constantly shift with 3 dc, first one pair get on well then another pairing and so on.

@3littleowls

I have three at ages 6, 4 and 22 months and I completely understand how frazzled and chaotic it can feel at times OP. I have seen so much difference in the last few months with my youngest at just a little bit older than your youngest OP - she listens more and understands more and can play better with my 4 year old so it's not always up to me to entertain her. Hang on in there - it will get easier in many ways very soon, and I've seen this age is one of the toughest with three children in other families I know. Once the youngest is growing more and more independent, it becomes easier to manage trips out I've been assured! Could you have the odd trip out with your two eldest while someone looks after your youngest so as to have a bit of time doing things at their level and stage? I've tried this a few times and my elder two enjoy the faster pace we can go and not having to hold back so much for the youngest.

Thank you. By default I’m always left with the baby but I need to mix this up!

@RaspberryChouxBuns

Is there anything enjoyable about having an 18 month old?! No matter what position they are in the family they can be an absolute nightmare You're nearly there, you're nearly out of the trenches. Once that baby is out of nappies you'll rediscover that freedom. Try to make time for the older ones one on one or just time without the baby, being 8 and 6 sometimes they'll just want to do "big kid" things with Mum/Dad. You're a good Mum by the sounds of it, it really is this hard!

Thank you! There are some really lovely comments on here. I think I just forgot what an 18 month old is like! He’s not speaking yet so there’s a lot of whinging when he’s trying to make himself understood and is frustrated.

@SnowingInApril

18 months is such a difficult age. Not yet potty trained, so still lugging a changing bag everywhere. Too little to walk all day, although they probably want to! Thus needing a pushchair, which is a pain on holidays with steps and luggage etc. Not quite big enough for a bed, too big for a cot. Needing a high chair at meal times. Factoring in naps. I mean I could go on. Plus you have the added bonus of seeing their older siblings doing all these v exciting activities that they want to but can’t. Lots of tears of frustration for the youngest.

Like all these things, it will pass and it will get better. I found the turning point to be age 4 for the youngest but you never know, yours may come earlier.

Thank you !!

@Himawarigirl

I have a 9, 6 and almost 3 yr old. It does get easier. I would never have tried to go on a proper holiday with the ages you have and covid saved us from having to contemplate it. But we’re on a trip visiting family at the moment and it’s made me realise that my youngest is so much easier now. He doesn’t need someone watching him every minute, naps are dropping so days are more flexible. It’s so tough at the ages you have and I can totally understand that you have moments where you know how it would feel as a family of four and it would be awesome. Having three is relentless and your youngest is at a tough age. But once they’re 2 and onwards the youngest starts to be a person and part of the gang rather than an add on baby. So I hope things will look up for you soon. And keep in mind a holiday will throw it all into relief as it’s tricky to manage everyone’s needs and so appealing to see how easy it would be with just your older two. Due to covid our youngest didn’t cause any real sacrifices as we couldn’t do anything anyway. But I can understand how you feel. We’ve taken the longer view, we knew we were signing up for a hard few years and have been looking forward to our youngest reaching the age that we knew things got easier with our first two. Good luck.

Thank you so much. Honestly I appreciate these supportive comments so much.