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Original poster

Regret having 3rd child

185 replies

Newusername3kidss · 11/04/2022 05:51

Have name changed as people know me on here. I know I am being unreasonable as children are a blessing and he was very much wanted but honestly if I could go back I wouldn’t have had a third. They are 8, 6 and 18 months and everything is just hard work because of the youngest.

Went on holiday last week and from the flight to every meal time to every painful bedtime all I kept thinking was we’d be having such a lovely time if it was just the 4 of us. My older boys are at thar brilliant stage where they are a bit independent but also want to spend time with me and I feel like I’m missing out so much as so much of my time and effort is spent with the youngest who just never stops. If someone out there has been in similar position please tell me it gets easier as I’m going under at the moment. We had such a great dynamic the 4 of us and I feel that rather than “completing” our family having a third has just messed it up.

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Original poster
Newusername3kidss · 13/04/2022 05:39

@OnTheHillNotOverIt

It’s hard. 1 year olds are a nightmare. Beautiful cherubs who can move fast with no comprehension of danger at all.

It’s so tiring and so much to do at home and to juggle, never feeling you get the balance right.

But time passes! Things get easier. The little one says funny things and laughs at the big ones jokes.

I can remember the first time we got in the car and everyone fastened their own seat belts Grin and the first time we ate dinner and there was no need to sweep up.
Those things sound trivial but they were big landmarks.

My 4 are teens and young adults. They are great and love each other. Everything changes.

Ha ha - fastening own seatbelts and a meal with no mess! Literally the dream
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Original poster
Newusername3kidss · 13/04/2022 05:44

Thanks again everyone for the kind comments. Just to reassure you I love my children very much hence why I feel guilt that I am spreading myself too thin and not spending quality time with older ones as my youngest is so demanding. My older ones are actually nagging me to have another baby though (they want a sister) so obviously it’s not been too damaging for them. I love a noisy hectic home but I also want to do my absolute best for all of them. Before having a third I thought about practical things like a bigger car, making sure we’re financially able, I was extremely fit and healthy and lots of energy etc etc. It’s the missing out with my older two that I didn’t really think about. I know it’s not a huge age gap but it’s big enough. Can’t go the cinema for instance with all 3 yet so there’s a lot of time I have the baby and my husband does the fun stuff with older two.

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Original poster
Newusername3kidss · 13/04/2022 05:46

@merrymelodies

My sister regretted having a third so much that she demanded that her H get the snip. That was about when her DC were 1, 4 and 6 yrs old. Once over the hump of baby/toddler stage, she was much happier and loves all of them to bits.
Definitely definitely not having another even though older boys are nagging for another baby!!
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safclass · 13/04/2022 05:49

I don't think she was saying it was!
I thought she was supporting OP from those negative 'did you not think about it/realise.....'
She was saying that even when situations are planned and considered you actually do not the reality until you are living it!
I'm the third of 4 and when my mam tells me how my brother , 2nd of 4, behaved I'm amazed she even considered having me! However I was the easy child!

Original poster
Newusername3kidss · 13/04/2022 05:50

@IdrisElbow

Every now and then there is a thread on MN which truly highlights how utterly nasty some people can be, and this is one of them. Some horrible responses. So because the OP has creates a 'self inflicted' situation, she is not allowed to find it difficult or have a whinge about it? It would be like you complaining about sleep deprivation with any of your children and someone saying 'oh well you did it to yourself, what did you expect?'.

I'm in a similar situation OP with an almost identical age gap. It wasn't a planned pregnancy (so even more self inflicted, quick everyone, pile on). Our DC3 is 6 months now, we are just doing weaning and almost on a daily basis I think to myself oh god, I can't believe we are going through all this again. He is an absolute delight and has enriched our lives in so many ways after an absolutely hideous couple of years, but it's still hard and I'm braced for it getting harder.

A friend who has 3 told us the best thing we can do with 3 is to divide and conquer and that's what we have done. DH and I try to make sure we have some 1-2-1 time with our older 2 DC each week and we just are taking it one day at a time. The replies which say it gets easier give me courage. But you're not the only one going through it, I empathise with those feelings!

Thank you! Don’t worry I was expecting some dick head comments, they must feel so big and clever being able to say mean things anonymously. Hope it brightens their day.

There are some lovely comments on here and I’m actually feeling much better! Think I forgot how tricky 18 months is!!

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Original poster
Newusername3kidss · 13/04/2022 05:53

@wejammin

I have 3, ages 10, 7 and 3. Definitely finding that it is hard to choose the right activities that work across the age ranges, eg 10 and 7 are desperate to see the Sonic movie but 3 will never sit through it at the cinema. We do end up doing separate things so DH will take the older 2 somewhere and I will take the little one, and vice versa. We also keep DC3 in nursery during the school holidays (he's only in 2 days a week) so that DC1 and 2 can do activities that are not suitable for him. Holidays with toddlers are always shit, aren't they. I've not attempted abroad since the oldest were 1 and 4 and it was such a waste of money. Not trying it again until youngest is 5.
We ate obviously lunatics as this is our second holiday abroad with all 3. I think I didn’t really think through that we’d have to divide and conquer so much. Boys also want to see sonic so we’ll be tossing a coin to see who gets to go and who has to stay home with the toddler!
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Original poster
Newusername3kidss · 13/04/2022 05:54

@MsTSwift

Did warn you it’s an unpopular view!
Do one.
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Original poster
Newusername3kidss · 13/04/2022 05:56

@Ilikecheeseontoast

Yes! I’m in exactly the same position and the youngest is such hard work! He’s 20 months and spends most days screaming, wrecking his older siblings play, making a mess or trying to involve himself in dangerous situations… from running across a car park to jumping in the duck pond. I’m constantly on high alert and it’s really affecting my mental health at the moment. I feel like I’m on the verge of depression with it all. I really hope things improve over the next year. Obviously I love him and he’s the cutest, cuddliest little ball of swishy fun but I often pine for ‘the old days’. No advice just solidarity!
I appreciate the solidarity!
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Original poster
Newusername3kidss · 13/04/2022 06:00

@PotteringAlong

I have 3 - they’re now 9, 7 and 5.

The difference from 2 to 3 is massive. It’s not like adding another child, it’s like adding lots of other children. It’s exponential chaos. It shouldn’t be, but it is.

I feel I’m just emerging from the chaos but solidarity with you @Newusername3kidss. I love my 3rd to bits and he completes our family in a way it wasn’t before. But if I knew 6 years ago what I know now I would have stopped at 2.

It DOES get less bonkers though Flowers

Ha ha that’s it - definitely feels like we’ve added more than one child! He is great fun, his nursery absolutely adore him as he’s such a character but jeez this age is tough!
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MsTSwift · 13/04/2022 07:01

Far too many people already on an overcrowded planet struggling for resources - everyone should stop at two. You all know it really - hence the anger.

User48751490 · 13/04/2022 07:21

@Newusername3kidss

Thanks again everyone for the kind comments. Just to reassure you I love my children very much hence why I feel guilt that I am spreading myself too thin and not spending quality time with older ones as my youngest is so demanding. My older ones are actually nagging me to have another baby though (they want a sister) so obviously it’s not been too damaging for them. I love a noisy hectic home but I also want to do my absolute best for all of them. Before having a third I thought about practical things like a bigger car, making sure we’re financially able, I was extremely fit and healthy and lots of energy etc etc. It’s the missing out with my older two that I didn’t really think about. I know it’s not a huge age gap but it’s big enough. Can’t go the cinema for instance with all 3 yet so there’s a lot of time I have the baby and my husband does the fun stuff with older two.
I had a fourth so the third wasn't on his own because of the big age gap with his older brothers. Effectively have two sets now because of their ages. It's honestly okay.

Good luck with whatever you decide for the future. Ignore those trying to stick the boot in.

Giraffesandbottoms · 13/04/2022 07:24

And only one “I’m personally responsible for killing the world by having 3 kids” comment. Not bad for mumsnet

MN love this because it’s convenient for most people to have 2 so it’s just a massive thing for people to say when, in reality, if they gave an actual shit they would have 0 children.

18 months is also a lovely age though - they are so squishy and babyish still but starting to talk and have proper personalities

User48751490 · 13/04/2022 07:30

@MsTSwift

Far too many people already on an overcrowded planet struggling for resources - everyone should stop at two. You all know it really - hence the anger.
You do realise you are coming across as a troll on this thread. You can see your comment is deliberately sh*t stirring, can't you?. If you don't have anything nice to say....

It's a free world, women can choose to have as many as they want to. It's called free will. This is not a communist country.

bendmeoverbackwards · 13/04/2022 07:32

@Newusername3kidss you sound like a lovely mum. Before you know it your youngest will be at nursery then school, it makes all the difference having some child free hours in the day.

stairway · 13/04/2022 07:55

I have four with age gaps from 12 years eldest to youngest. I wouldn’t contemplate a holiday until youngest is above 2 at least. We normally divide and conquer as other people said. It helps the oldest can now babysit some of them. However it is hard but remember it is temporary. We wanted a large family for life.

MsTSwift · 13/04/2022 09:15

I did human geography as a teen and the year on year population increase freaked me out then and still does!

stairway · 13/04/2022 09:37

MsTSwift you may find current projections reassuring then.

Giraffesandbottoms · 13/04/2022 09:44

@MsTSwift and yet you had children

SomethingOnce · 13/04/2022 13:03

@MsTSwift, in order to achieve replacement fertility rate, some people need to have three or more because some people have zero or one. And this relatively small country is well below replacement. Which may be a problem of its own.

worriedaboutmoney2022 · 13/04/2022 13:12

@Newusername3kidss - don't feel bad I'm sure a lot of people feel the same

2 of my friends have 3 kids and both regret the 3rd as the older ones are like a 2-3 year gap then a gap of 6-7 years and then a baby and days out and holidays just become stressful
I'll be honest I'd have liked a 3rd but experiences of my friends have put me off!
The baby in one family often stays with grandparents as the older 2 boys have hobbies on a weekend it's a juggling act and the other family have 2 older girls who detest the baby and are very out out so no ideal for either

I only have 2 but I'm sure that it'll get easier once the little one starts nursery etc.. and can become a bit more Independent- only other solution is a 4th so there's no "2's company 3's a crowd" going on

TimeForGouter · 13/04/2022 13:13

I haven't read all the comments but OP I just want to say that we just went on holiday with our 8, 6 and 3 year olds and it was the best and easiest family holiday we've ever had. All those things that you're missing out on at the moment like the cinema will be doable again soon. Recently we've had lots of firsts as a family of 5 (partly because of the youngest's age and partly because of covid) and every single one has been so much more special than the firsts as a 3 or a 4.

It took me a long time to adjust to having our third, partly because I had mental health difficulties after his birth (which I hadn't at all with the other two) and I felt incredibly guilty to my older two because I was so impatient and angry at times. But he is absolutely wonderful and I am so, so glad he's here. We all are. His big siblings absolutely adore him and my oldest is always asking for another baby.

OnTheHillNotOverIt · 13/04/2022 15:49

I have a happy memory of a family trip to see the Hobbit or Fantastic Beasts. I said to the youngest, “Do you want to sit by me in case there are scary bits?”
Youngest who was sat by eldest, looked at me and said, “No thank you. I’m alright. I’ve got my Polly.” 💕

Mary46 · 13/04/2022 16:01

Not easy op. We have two. But I do remember her at that age it was hard. it does get easier. Then the older kids are at parties so bit time with other child.

TimeForGouter · 13/04/2022 17:47

@OnTheHillNotOverIt

I have a happy memory of a family trip to see the Hobbit or Fantastic Beasts. I said to the youngest, “Do you want to sit by me in case there are scary bits?” Youngest who was sat by eldest, looked at me and said, “No thank you. I’m alright. I’ve got my Polly.” 💕
This is so lovely. The relationship between the youngest and oldest is something very special isn't it?
Original poster
Newusername3kidss · 13/04/2022 18:44

@TimeForGouter

I haven't read all the comments but OP I just want to say that we just went on holiday with our 8, 6 and 3 year olds and it was the best and easiest family holiday we've ever had. All those things that you're missing out on at the moment like the cinema will be doable again soon. Recently we've had lots of firsts as a family of 5 (partly because of the youngest's age and partly because of covid) and every single one has been so much more special than the firsts as a 3 or a 4.

It took me a long time to adjust to having our third, partly because I had mental health difficulties after his birth (which I hadn't at all with the other two) and I felt incredibly guilty to my older two because I was so impatient and angry at times. But he is absolutely wonderful and I am so, so glad he's here. We all are. His big siblings absolutely adore him and my oldest is always asking for another baby.

Thank you so much for replying. This is exactly what I needed to hear! I absolutely loved my other two when they were 3, one of my favourite ages so think that’s what I’m holding onto !
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