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AIBU?

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Original poster

Regret having 3rd child

185 replies

Newusername3kidss · 11/04/2022 05:51

Have name changed as people know me on here. I know I am being unreasonable as children are a blessing and he was very much wanted but honestly if I could go back I wouldn’t have had a third. They are 8, 6 and 18 months and everything is just hard work because of the youngest.

Went on holiday last week and from the flight to every meal time to every painful bedtime all I kept thinking was we’d be having such a lovely time if it was just the 4 of us. My older boys are at thar brilliant stage where they are a bit independent but also want to spend time with me and I feel like I’m missing out so much as so much of my time and effort is spent with the youngest who just never stops. If someone out there has been in similar position please tell me it gets easier as I’m going under at the moment. We had such a great dynamic the 4 of us and I feel that rather than “completing” our family having a third has just messed it up.

OP posts:
GeneLovesJezebel · 11/04/2022 07:48

I found that my last child just tagged along behind. I was so busy running round to school and Rainbows/Cubs etc that the last had to just come along, and didn’t demand attention.

fruitpastille · 11/04/2022 07:48

I have similar gaps. My older two are teenagers now who spend a lot of time in their rooms. It's lovely to have a younger one who chats and plays and holds my hand still. The older ones can baby sit the youngest if I want to go out. There are benefits! It will get easier. Embrace it and try not to wonder how it would have been with 2.

MarshaBradyo · 11/04/2022 07:50

@EarringsandLipstick

telling someone who's struggling that you wish you were in their position is really shitty and unkind.

I think it's your reply that's unkind

Chestnut sympathised with OP first, then mentioned her own situation. A second trimester loss is very difficult & she just made one reference to it. And sometimes we do need to be reminded of out good fortune.

Agree with this, Chestnut Flowers

Op hard to deal with, hope it improves and it’s not so hard

Neonskytonight · 11/04/2022 07:51

As others have said. This was always going to be hard. Older kids paddleboarding / canoeing (insert any fun activity) while you are left sitting with "the baby" for the next 3+ years.

It isn't luck that people don't have big gaps or more than 2 dc - people weigh up these things and make a choice.

Given this you need to make sure that it isn't always you left with the baby so you dont miss out on all the fun stuff over the next few years and that your DH does his share. Setting that now will help lots.

DropYourSword · 11/04/2022 07:53

@MsTSwift

Sorry but come on! It’s entirely self inflicted. Having a toddler when your older children are independent then complaining about it I mean really - no shit Sherlock!

Plus sorry it’s an unpopular view but frankly don’t think anyone should be having more than two children anyway so no I am not full of sympathy.

You don't have to be full of sympathy but it would be nice if you hadn't returned a second time to get the boot in again. You don't actively HAVE to act like a twat you know.
wejammin · 11/04/2022 07:53

I have 3, ages 10, 7 and 3. Definitely finding that it is hard to choose the right activities that work across the age ranges, eg 10 and 7 are desperate to see the Sonic movie but 3 will never sit through it at the cinema. We do end up doing separate things so DH will take the older 2 somewhere and I will take the little one, and vice versa. We also keep DC3 in nursery during the school holidays (he's only in 2 days a week) so that DC1 and 2 can do activities that are not suitable for him.
Holidays with toddlers are always shit, aren't they. I've not attempted abroad since the oldest were 1 and 4 and it was such a waste of money. Not trying it again until youngest is 5.

MargaritasOnMe · 11/04/2022 07:56

Regardless of how many kids you have, taking an 18 month old on holiday is always going to be a flipping nightmare (I have made this mistake in the past!). Toddlers need routine, consistency and are, quite frankly, mini tyrants so tend to overshadow everything! I also have 3 and think things will be a lot better once they are all out of the baby and toddler stage (mine are a lot closer together than yours so it's even more carnage Grin)

MsTSwift · 11/04/2022 07:57

Did warn you it’s an unpopular view!

MarshaBradyo · 11/04/2022 07:58

Agree 18 months is trickiest age for holiday

We did pretty good ones before that age then I remember it getting harder then as they run off a lot etc

Burnittotheground · 11/04/2022 07:59

I have only two but with a gap of 4.5 years and I well remember how hard that was. If it is any consolation DC 2 has given me zero trouble from age 3 onwards.

Don't have another as suggested by PP:)

notanothertakeaway · 11/04/2022 08:01

Well, some of the answers on this thread won't be helping OP, that's for sure!

She didn't ask whether it would be a good idea to have a 3rd child. She already has one

OP, I am one of three. At times, my parents probably felt like you, but we weren't aware of it. As an adult, it's great to have siblings

Ilikecheeseontoast · 11/04/2022 08:03

Yes! I’m in exactly the same position and the youngest is such hard work! He’s 20 months and spends most days screaming, wrecking his older siblings play, making a mess or trying to involve himself in dangerous situations… from running across a car park to jumping in the duck pond. I’m constantly on high alert and it’s really affecting my mental health at the moment. I feel like I’m on the verge of depression with it all. I really hope things improve over the next year. Obviously I love him and he’s the cutest, cuddliest little ball of swishy fun but I often pine for ‘the old days’. No advice just solidarity!

cadburyegg · 11/04/2022 08:04

Hi OP, I wonder if it's the activities you're doing that might need adjusting, or your expectations? I personally wouldn't take an 18 month old on holiday abroad, I know there are loads of people who do it but I think i'd find it too stressful, but can imagine 8 and 6 year olds are much more fun. Im not suggesting you holiday abroad separately but can you tag team with your partner sometimes so one of you does something fun with the older 2 and the other looks after the little one and then you can do age appropriate activities?

I only have 2 so I can't relate but I remember for the first year DS2 just slotted in fine then it got harder as he became a toddler and I found myself often not giving enough attention to DS1 as a result, they are 7 and 4 now so I am coming out of the woods. But for a time I used to find it difficult as they were at such different stages and the younger one has to be supervised at all times (my 4 year old also has hypermobility so needed watching a bit more so he didn't hurt himself)

Obelisk · 11/04/2022 08:04

OP, you’re finding it hard because it is hard. Hang on in there. There will come a point when your littlest is a bit bigger when you look at them together and think, “ah, I’m so pleased we had three”.

Puppalicious · 11/04/2022 08:04

I so get where you’re coming from. I have similar age gaps and get slightly panicky “what I have done” feelings than I never had with the first two. The housework and laundry feels immense. Taking the kids to their football is so much more difficult, as are holidays, DC3 is in full on tantrum stage so even days out can be difficult. In a way the timing of the pandemic was a good timing as with all the restrictions, the full impact of 3 didn’t properly hit! But you can’t put them back, all we can do is change our mindset, look at the positives. DC3 is a better sleeper than DC2 was. DC2 and DC3 are easier together than DC1 and DC2 were at that stage. DC2’s birthday is coming up soon, it feels nice that I have a DC3 coming up behind so it wont be the last time I have a DC that age (one of my favourite ages). And they adore each other, they’re a proper little gang. I’m hoping it will get a bit easier when DC3 is 3!

curlydiamond · 11/04/2022 08:06

It gets better OP. Mine were 11 and 8 when my third came along. Littlest is currently 2 and a half and an absolute terror so we're not going on holiday this year as it just won't be relaxing.
It's just the age - toddlerdom is relentless. But I still have no regrets - it's wonderful to see the big siblings stepping up to look after the little one - my 10 year old is amazing with the baby. I love the little person my baby is becoming and he wasn't a little baby for long (walking confidently at 8 months and has been on the go ever since). Yes it's exhausting and things would be easier and more affordable without baby 3 but he has brought so much joy to the family.
YANBU to feel that way as you're in the thick of it, but it really will get better soon. Your feelings are valid and perfectly normal and one day you will look back and think gosh that was hard but I'm so glad we did it.

PinkSyCo · 11/04/2022 08:07

Hmm I could understand your struggle if you were single, but presumably you had a partner there with you on holiday, so he could have taken turns looking after the youngest to allow you some quality time with the older two, couldn’t he?

Comedycook · 11/04/2022 08:08

Well it's pretty pointless to start asking the op about her choices...her child is here now. There's nothing you can do...except grit your teeth and get through these early years. 18 months is one of the worst ages imo. Things will get better

mynameisnotmichaelcaine · 11/04/2022 08:10

I have been there. Mine are now 18, 16 and 8. I found the older two were willing to do "kid" things, eg splash parks, city zoos, activities at museums for much longer than they would otherwise have done. It meant I was still having lovely family days when my friends with kids that were the ages of the older two couldn't get them to go anywhere with them.

18 months is bloody hard work. Hang in there.

seaduck · 11/04/2022 08:10

Hi OP - I think some of the replies on here are very harsh!
I am in same situation, my older two are 7 and 5 and an 18 month old. I have similar thoughts too sometimes, I look at friends who stuck at 2 and it seems simpler. Divide and conquer still means it's hard to get that one on one time with the older ones. But I couldn't say I regret it yet, she does complete the family and they love her to bits and a toddler is great entertainment for the older ones, they find everything hilarious that she does because it's always wrong. As always with parenting, I think it will get easier and I'm sure there will be a time when it all clicks into place. Stick in there!

Sux2buthen · 11/04/2022 08:11

I understand lol

Regret having 3rd child
DropYourSword · 11/04/2022 08:13

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BiscuitLover3678 · 11/04/2022 08:13

@PeakyBlinda

Kindly, was this not thought about before the decision was made to have a third? Surely it was obvious you'd have to start from the baby stage all over again whilst the older 2 became more independent.
For some people that’s 4 or 2 or even 1. We don’t know how we’re going to feel or cope with each child. No need for a ** comment.
Hankunamatata · 11/04/2022 08:14

I have 3 with two years between each and it was brutal. Much easier when youngest started school - though I never believed anyone when they said this. Even nursery was easier. 18 months is soo hard. They are not babies in arms to be transported but stroppy time sucking toddler. Luckily enough your older ones are still young enough to love soft play, zoo etc and you can pop toddler in pram.

User48751490 · 11/04/2022 08:14

@twinsetandpearl

It's not so much the 3rd it's the age gap that appears to be the problem and yes I can see why you are struggling - I've never really understood why people who already have children continue to have more when the "last" one has such an age gap. There's nothing really can be done which is the toughest thing - you've just got to ride it out until your youngest is older and come to terms with your focus now being elsewhere
Had you not thought perhaps there's a reason for it like miscarriage?? That's why I had such a big age gap!