Regret having 3rd child

[Newusername3kidss]

Have name changed as people know me on here. I know I am being unreasonable as children are a blessing and he was very much wanted but honestly if I could go back I wouldn’t have had a third. They are 8, 6 and 18 months and everything is just hard work because of the youngest.

Went on holiday last week and from the flight to every meal time to every painful bedtime all I kept thinking was we’d be having such a lovely time if it was just the 4 of us. My older boys are at thar brilliant stage where they are a bit independent but also want to spend time with me and I feel like I’m missing out so much as so much of my time and effort is spent with the youngest who just never stops. If someone out there has been in similar position please tell me it gets easier as I’m going under at the moment. We had such a great dynamic the 4 of us and I feel that rather than “completing” our family having a third has just messed it up.

Taking an 18mth baby on holiday is never much fun. I did that and it wasn’t a holiday. As everyone else says it will get better, next years holiday will be a lot easier and every year it will get better. You’ll have to have 1 parent do things with the older 2 and 1 parent stay with the younger one for a few years.

Agree with PPs that the age gap is the problem. I would try not to feel bad about finding it hard - there are usually plenty of baffling posts on MN where people discuss how much they dislike being mothers/regret having children despite having several, so you’re not alone.

There’s not a lot than can be done, is there. The world is running out of resources, you were blessed with 2 children and you decided to “complete” your family. Did you consider the impact on your older children properly?

Although I’m not 100% sure what went wrong with your holiday - couldn’t you divide and conquer a bit with your husband? One day you get to do the civilised activities and the next day he does/the other one gets to fight fires with the toddler? Or toddler just comes along to them and everyone accepts it’s carnage?

@MsTSwift

Why on earth did you have a third? You know what it entails as a mother of two already. Remember going pony trekking with our two who were about same age of yours and there was another family there but they had a toddler third. Mum was running about faffing with toddler couldn’t even take part in the activity. Remember thinking god so glad we stopped at two. Sorry not helpful but it’s hard to understand your thought process as it’s a informed choice.

Read the room, eh?

@ImplementingTheDennisSystem

It was always going to be harder with 3 rather than 2. Surely you knew that!

Could you get any blunter. My God.

I think the shock is that there's a 6 year gap too... and OP is at a tiring stage.

Some very harsh responses here.

I bet you’ve come back exhausted! As lots of posters have already said, it’s such a tricky age. I have only 2, but I realised yesterday at ages 6 & 8 now and a lone parent, life is actually EASY and I never thought I’d get out of the woods with the first, who was so tricky from 18m til about 4. And now she’s the most diligent, caring little soul. But I know it’s not about your kids’ personality so I am really digressing. I would bet that it will get easier and you’ll have unique advantages specific to the age range in a while. Hang in there x

At 18 months your youngest hasn't yet slotted into being part of 'us'. At the moment 'us' is you, DH and DCs 1&2. DC3 is an extra to 'us'.

It's a bit like having to take a random school friend everywhere with you. They are unpredictable, don't necessarily want the same food, need a different bedtime. The list goes on.

But the good thing is that they will get more predictable. They will soon become one of 'us'. This speeds up when they start to talk and make sense. As a PP said, as the youngest they do tend to get pulled along by older siblings. You will then have to remind yourself of the age gap from time to time.

It gets better.

I have 3 with not quite the same gaps between but the same span oldest to youngest - it is intense at that age/stage, we had some crazy holidays and difficult days out as it does curtail what the older ones can do. All I can say is it does get easier once youngest gets to around 4, ours are really good together now, it also improves when your older ones are independent enough to do some of the things they want to do without the rest of you tagging along such as cinema with friends.

@malificent7

Some very harsh responses here.

Well, to be fair, giving only sympathy isn't going to do anything is it? And there is literally no solution to this. I imagine she can't start shitting money to hire a nanny, and she also can't give the child back nor would she want to. As someone else said too, a holiday with a toddler is generally a recipe for disaster, 99% of the time it's crap.

There is nothing to be done except crack on with it. It will get easier eventually. The age gap is the problem and they should have thought about that. Too late now, so crack on and make the best of it. Accept different standards perhaps, and if there is a partner in the picture then work together to divide and conquer as others have said. They'll get through it.

OP first of all,it will get easier…I promise!
Same age gap when my 3rd was born .
Birth…failed epidural, felt incision for ELCS ,too much pain relief which crossed placenta so son on SCBU for two days !
Three weeks,aspiration pneumonia in PICU dot 4 days
Diagnosed with GERD
All the above led to regular hospital admission throughout baby/toddlerhood
Son was very stressy and tricky as a result of his medical problems.
Somehow we got through ,elder two just spent a lot of time at friends and grandmas .
Got the older two to play,read with baby ,so they felt more involved.
Now fast forward 20+ years ,growing up all three have been really close,all very different personalities and my son is a lovely,wise,funny,sporty and very sociable guy.
Off traveling once he finishes his economic degree and I can honestly say he is absolutely brilliant and is a huge asset to our family.
Hang on ….it will get easier.💐

Mine are 10, 7 and 2 and I completely understand the sentiment.
In response to all the people on here questioning our decision to have a third with such a large age gap: I HAD FORGOTTEN WHAT IT'S LIKE TO HAVE A TODDLER!
OP, as the little one gets older, it gets much easier. I try to squeeze in time with just the older two where I can, for example picking the younger one up from nursery later so I can have a boardgame with them. There are also activities that all three enjoy, for example, going swimming or - weirdly - grocery shopping. The older ones often come to join story time too. And we all love baking together. The little one will be able to fit in with more activities as they get older. At 28 months, we even go to the cinema with the whole family. Hang in there!

telling someone who's struggling that you wish you were in their position is really shitty and unkind.

I think it's your reply that's unkind

Chestnut sympathised with OP first, then mentioned her own situation. A second trimester loss is very difficult & she just made one reference to it. And sometimes we do need to be reminded of out good fortune.

This is why I had four DC. It meant no3 had company with a child of a similar age. My boys are 14 &11 and 6 & 4.

DH and I often divide and conquer so that the older boys don't miss out. He takes them away camping, or day trips and I stay at home with the younger ones and the dog.

Rather than feeling down about your situation, look at ways to keep everyone happy within your capabilities. You can't change the fact that you have your youngest now so just think of different ways to do activities with your older boys individually. Split it with your DH. One weekend you can go places with them, next it could be you.

@Chestnutpony

You are at a very hard stage. I find it seems less relentless once they are over 2 years of age.

My two are close to the age of your two. There should be a third the same age as yours, that we lost in the second trimester. I wish I was in your position!

I’m sorry for your loss. Some dreadful people on these threads.

OP, not taking away anything from your post.

Even when they are all reliable enough to walk around without having to hold hands I remember doing a lot of counting when on trips out.

DH leading the way and me at the back, herding. And counting: 12345, 12345, 1234 - shit I've lost one! Oh no, I'm 5!

Honestly, it gets better. It gets to be fun. My DCs are now in their 20s. We didn't plan 3. We got no.3 as proof that nothing is 100% reliable. She is coming to stay in a few days and I can't wait.

Sorry you’re going through a hard time, OP. It’ll get better, like it did with your older ones. Which is a good thing because you can’t return the baby …

[quote PeakyBlinda]@shazzer1978 Errr having a child isn't like starting a new job!!![/quote]
Err having three kids I am aware of that. I’m just saying that things don’t always turn out how you expect or hope.

It gets easier. Sometimes I used to think ugh y did I have a 3rd. There's 8 years between my 2nd and 3rd boys, but he's a total blessing. He's 5 now. Those toddler years are hard.

I wouldnt say the issue is a 3rd kid, its just the age gap OP.

I’m like this with my 2nd atm at time. My eldest is nearly 4 so we’re at a good stage where we can do things and have a semi enjoyable time but if we add in the 1 year old its chaos.

Eg leaving the house, with my eldest, we dress and go but with youngest I need to pack a hundred things.

Once littlest one gets a bit older, it will be much easier…all you can do is just get through it and remind yourself it won’t be like this forever and it will get easier.

This was 100% why we stopped at 2. My friend had three and took me aside and seriously said “do NOT have another one”.
However, hers are older now and this early tricky time does of course pass and I believe things are a lot calmer now they’re older.