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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Regret having 3rd child

185 replies

Newusername3kidss · 11/04/2022 05:51

Have name changed as people know me on here. I know I am being unreasonable as children are a blessing and he was very much wanted but honestly if I could go back I wouldn’t have had a third. They are 8, 6 and 18 months and everything is just hard work because of the youngest.

Went on holiday last week and from the flight to every meal time to every painful bedtime all I kept thinking was we’d be having such a lovely time if it was just the 4 of us. My older boys are at thar brilliant stage where they are a bit independent but also want to spend time with me and I feel like I’m missing out so much as so much of my time and effort is spent with the youngest who just never stops. If someone out there has been in similar position please tell me it gets easier as I’m going under at the moment. We had such a great dynamic the 4 of us and I feel that rather than “completing” our family having a third has just messed it up.

OP posts:
GnomeDePlume · 11/04/2022 08:15

It does get better. We got better especially at managing expectations (of the DCs and of our own). It got better with practice.

If a trip out went well, nobody got lost, nobody had a tantrum then as we arrived home we would say 'well done everyone ' and mean it. In fact we still do that now they are adults but it is a joke now!

merrymelodies · 11/04/2022 08:16

My sister regretted having a third so much that she demanded that her H get the snip. That was about when her DC were 1, 4 and 6 yrs old. Once over the hump of baby/toddler stage, she was much happier and loves all of them to bits.

User48751490 · 11/04/2022 08:17

@malificent7

Some very harsh responses here.
Exactly. Completely unnecessary. Offering practical help would have been constructive.
User48751490 · 11/04/2022 08:20

@MsTSwift

Sorry but come on! It’s entirely self inflicted. Having a toddler when your older children are independent then complaining about it I mean really - no shit Sherlock!

Plus sorry it’s an unpopular view but frankly don’t think anyone should be having more than two children anyway so no I am not full of sympathy.

Why post then if you have no sympathy. Kick a dog while they are already down. Nice one.
IdrisElbow · 11/04/2022 08:23

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Dixiechickonhols · 11/04/2022 08:24

I think recognition that little one is taking up too much time is a big part. Don’t always prioritise little one eg don’t by default have him as you are mum. Dad can and spend time with older 2. Accept any help eg grandparents. If little one is in nursery have no qualms about sometimes sending him in school hols and have a nice day out with older 2 eg a museum little one wouldn’t appreciate.

bumpermom · 11/04/2022 08:24

Why do people think it's helpful to say " you should have thought about it before having another" by my experience all kids/baby's are different and each child brings a new dynamic to the family that you don't know beforehand. I had 3 under 5 and the 3rd although an amazing baby, brought a whole new dynamic to our family. But as DC3 got to about 3 it all started fitting in place and got a lot easier.

Horst · 11/04/2022 08:26

It will be the age gap mien are near 13, 10 and 6 and I do remember a particular holiday when nothing seemed to quite fit. Everything was far too old for the youngest but not old enough for her oldest. So we stuck with going to the beach and making sand castles. We are easy food and it passed eventually.

Aimee1987 · 11/04/2022 08:27

That's a really hard age gap. Theres 7 years between DS and DSS and it's really hard to find stuff that works for us all to do together.
Even sill things like going for a swim is tough because DSS is too big for the learner pool but DS isnt ready for the big pool.

WeOnlyTalkAboutBruno · 11/04/2022 08:27

I sympathise but yeah it’s all a bit predictable. Mine are 7 and 4 and we have been having the “should-we-shouldn’t-we” debate about a third for a while. We have decided not to because we like our dynamic and frankly I cannot go through the baby/toddler stage again.

Other than divide and conquer (which is a bit shit because family time is better) I’m not sure there is much advice to give except ride it out.

Dreambigger · 11/04/2022 08:29

Yes its a phase it will improve (I have 4) though there will always be that age gap which you didn't have the first 2....and the dynamics are going to change with the 9 year old anyway. Think it just constantly evolves and changes and this is just one holiday don't worry...it will improve!

DrSbaitso · 11/04/2022 08:33

I've heard this a lot about a third child. I guess it's also tough because, assuming two present parents, you're now outnumbered!

Everyone does seem to get past it though.

Tulipblacksmith · 11/04/2022 08:36

I think it’s possibly because of the gap? Not necessarily because you had 3. I had 3 kids close together. My youngest is now 6, so the thought of a 4th is pretty horrifying.

You had two close in age so you got into a rhythm and they came a bit more independent. My sister had 1, then a gap, then had similar thoughts about the second ruining the balance.

Having said that some people love the age gaps but personally I would be feeling how you currently feel now.

I guess it will get easier in time 💐.

AProperStinging · 11/04/2022 08:36

@Chestnutpony

You are at a very hard stage. I find it seems less relentless once they are over 2 years of age.

My two are close to the age of your two. There should be a third the same age as yours, that we lost in the second trimester. I wish I was in your position!

Yes, op, you should feel guilty for finding it difficult as well as everything else. That's really helpful.
Tulipblacksmith · 11/04/2022 08:37

Plus 3 is fab, 2 was just too boring for me, and I had them all by the age of 26.

AProperStinging · 11/04/2022 08:37

@bumpermom

Why do people think it's helpful to say " you should have thought about it before having another" by my experience all kids/baby's are different and each child brings a new dynamic to the family that you don't know beforehand. I had 3 under 5 and the 3rd although an amazing baby, brought a whole new dynamic to our family. But as DC3 got to about 3 it all started fitting in place and got a lot easier.
There is a world of difference between three kids very close in age, and two much older kids with a baby.
PotteringAlong · 11/04/2022 08:38

I have 3 - they’re now 9, 7 and 5.

The difference from 2 to 3 is massive. It’s not like adding another child, it’s like adding lots of other children. It’s exponential chaos. It shouldn’t be, but it is.

I feel I’m just emerging from the chaos but solidarity with you @Newusername3kidss. I love my 3rd to bits and he completes our family in a way it wasn’t before. But if I knew 6 years ago what I know now I would have stopped at 2.

It DOES get less bonkers though Flowers

user1477391263 · 11/04/2022 08:38

It's a bit of a shit age, OP. They don't like anything, everything throws them off balance, changes in schedule cause tears and tantrums.

A couple of years from now and it will all feel different.

HistoricMoment · 11/04/2022 08:41

These threads always attract the usual posters who think it's clever to smugly say "why did you have 3? so glad I only had one/two!" not realising how small-minded it makes them sound. The lack of critical thinking is embarrassing.

Also why are people going on about the age gap? If OP's oldest 2 are 8 and 6, then the age gaps are 6.5 and 4.5 years. 4.5 years really isn't a big age gap!

OP 18 months is a terrible age for most toddlers. I remember DC1 at that age and it was a nightmare with just one! It'll get better, all you need is time (and some help!)
I would also stop the thoughts about not having DC3. They're pointless and will just make things worse.

Burnittotheground · 11/04/2022 08:42

Life is so hard for everyone right now. Best not to kick a person who is down and be smug about sticking to two.

user1477391263 · 11/04/2022 08:44

I also don't understand that AAAAGE GAPPP!!!! stuff on this thread. 4.5 years is not much of a gap, seriously. Loads of people I know have similar gaps and don't even think of it as a gap--it's just a space between kids.

Are people actually doing the maths or are they just kinda going "Oh, there's an 8yo in this family and a baby. That's an eight year age gap!"?

Chestnutpony · 11/04/2022 08:50

@Aproperstinging It's not about guilt. It's a really hard age in a hard situation. I was suggesting a bit of thankful mindfulness, as while it won't make it easy, I find it can help sometimes.

PinkSyCo · 11/04/2022 08:51

Chestnutpony
You are at a very hard stage. I find it seems less relentless once they are over 2 years of age.

My two are close to the age of your two. There should be a third the same age as yours, that we lost in the second trimester. I wish I was in your position!
Yes, op, you should feel guilty for finding it difficult as well as everything else. That's really helpful.

Harsh. Shock

Dunrobin · 11/04/2022 08:58

It is the age. 18 months is so tiring. And because you have older ones you know how much easier that is, so it must feel like a real shock to go back to toddler chaos. But it will get easier. The age gaps are not that big at all and you will have wonderful family holidays again, as a family of 5.

Fundays12 · 11/04/2022 08:58

Hi OP I have 3 and it is hard work. The pandemic has made it so much harder having a baby or toddler too and thrown in difficulties unless you have a toddler and school age kids you can’t imagine, I have a 10 year old, 5.5 year old and a 2 year old. My youngest is 2 years 8 months and things are now getting easier. He still needs lots of supervision but I always found 18 months the hardest stage. Suddenly he will sit and play with his older siblings happily in the living room while I clean the kitchen, he can go into our fully enclosed locked garden without me having to hold his hand and just play. He can eat independently and drink from a cup well. He is potty trained. I just feel like I can breathe.

It does get easier i promise but right now you are at the difficult stage. If you can afford it try get your little one into a childminder or nursery one day a week. This has made a huge difference to me mentally. Also try not to plan things that toddlers get easily bored at. Family meals in restaurants are not fun with 3 kids including a toddler order a pizza instead, go to a park and let them run around and tire themselves out, get out of everyday, put them in the garden with lunch to play and get your little one tired out. Get him to toddler groups when you can.