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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband ready to stay in with cocoa & slippers at 58

285 replies

Stressedout65 · 10/04/2022 00:46

I want to go & see a band, we'd be sitting down, but husband says he's too old for it. The band are from our younger days, are as old as us so audience is mainly going to be our age too. We've seen them before & I thought we had a nice time, so I got excited about seeing them again. I can go with a friend or on my own, but his too old/can't be assed to go attitude has taken the wind out of my sales. He's a brilliant husband in every other way, but is this it til we die? Our nights out together will be a nice meal then come straight home cos we're too full to stay out longer. I see other same age friend & her husband going out & having fun, while we're at home with our cocoa. Aibu?

OP posts:
5foot5 · 10/04/2022 01:05

Could he be worried about going to see the band because he is still in a post covid fear of being in crowds?

I am maybe a couple of years older than your DH and certainly don't consider myself old and am still up for all sorts of stuff. But if I went out for dinner I probably would feel too full afterwards to do anything else. (Like what?) That is not recent I would have felt like that years ago.

I agree though if he feels that your life now is all sitting at home in slippers being careful and sensible then that is a bit tragic and you need to find some way of prising him out of his armchair and doing something different

TomPinch · 10/04/2022 01:09

Post covid???

LemonMuffins · 10/04/2022 01:11

I'm 36 and feel the same as him GrinBlush

Can you just book it and force him out anyway? I'm usually fine once I'm actually out, I just can't be bothered to get ready and leave the house.

Feckaffoutofit · 10/04/2022 01:12

I'd rather stay in than go to a concert. I don't enjoy concerts. I'm with your husband on this and I'm considerably younger than him. I don't think not wanting to go to concerts means he is past having fun unless it is reflective of his response to every suggestion you make.

Musicandcheese · 10/04/2022 01:16

It could be fear of crowds. At present 1 in 13 people are said to have Covid, times are still not normal.

Quincythequince · 10/04/2022 01:28

Is this typical, or just a one off.
I went to a music event with my DH last night (he’s 60 next month) and 13 years older than me.

It was fairly local, we really enjoyed it and we’re back in by 10:30.

Had a great night. Early back in doesn’t have to be boring. Maybe he’s tired?

FinallyHere · 10/04/2022 01:38

We joke about being 'old' but...

We are much more likely to go 'out, out' for lunch than for dinner. Evening events are much more likely to be in the company of other women. Just sayin'

Quincythequince · 10/04/2022 01:46

If he has only just started refusing going out, maybe there’s a good reasons for it.

How often do you organise this? Expect this? Until what time? What do you actually want to do for all these potential events.

Would one night out a month suit you?

I was out on Thursday evening (not late), last night and had a friend for lunch today and I am tired. I am reasonably fit, not that old but I can’t persevere like I used to, that’s for sure.

Maddiemoosmum0203 · 10/04/2022 01:49

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

PeakyBlinda · 10/04/2022 02:06

Go for yourself so resentment doesn't grow, either alone or with a friend. You can't force him to go.

Original poster
Stressedout65 · 10/04/2022 06:38

It's not covid fears that's stopping him from wanting to do much more than go out for a meal. It's like he just can't be bothered. He had a good set of mates, who'll he'll see if there's an event on that involves the wives too; but they go on the odd lads night away, go to the pub etc & he doesn't get asked. He used to get asked, but he's declined that much they've given up. He doesn't like golf & can't keep up with their drinking. He doesn't have to keep up with their drinking & they don't always play golf. When we were coming out of the last lockdown he was still furloughed & feeling isolated. I was making plans for regrouping with friends & couple friends. He was quite down about it, saying he'd go no one to call upon separate from us, his own mates. He likes fishing so I suggested him joining a club rather than go in his own all the time, but he hasn't. He's only got himself to blame!

OP posts:
Whatsmyname100 · 10/04/2022 07:36

Why are you making out as if something is wrong with him. I'm 40 and would prefer cocoa and a night in than going out to see a band.

ImplementingTheDennisSystem · 10/04/2022 07:36

"Our nights out together will be a nice meal then come straight home cos we're too full to stay out longer."

Us too and I'm 38! Grin

GeneLovesJezebel · 10/04/2022 07:37

I used to like seeing bands pre covid, now I can’t be bothered, and it’s nothing to do with covid. I’ve just lost the desire to do it.

Quincythequince · 10/04/2022 07:38

I don’t think he sounds ‘old ‘ OP. He’s just not as motivated by socialising as you want him to be.
Either you can live with that or you can’t.

Quincythequince · 10/04/2022 07:41

My DH goes nowhere with his own friends. Never really has. It’s just how he is.

He will however go out when invited by me to do things, or if we go out as a couple (I get invited as I keep connections going).

If I didn’t organise it, he’d go nowhere for months and wouldn’t be unhappy about it either. Some people are just like that.

Svara · 10/04/2022 07:42

Just sounds like he has different interests to you and his mates. You are right that he should probably join a fishing club and make new friends friends. Just go with a friend to the concert and do things with him you both enjoy?

FlowerArranger · 10/04/2022 07:43

if I went out for dinner I probably would feel too full afterwards to do anything else. (Like what?)

ShockConfusedHmm

When we go out for dinner it's usually pre-theatre, concert, ballet, et cetera... (we're in our 60s!)

TulipsGarden · 10/04/2022 07:44

I find going out and socialising much harder work post-Covid - I don't drink but I feel almost hungover the next day. I assume I'll get used to it eventually, but at the moment I'm noticeably exhausted after a night out and it does put me off a bit, when I have work and a child to deal with.

Also wary of getting Covid. I have it now and don't want it again thanks.

userxx · 10/04/2022 07:45

Sounds like he's got himself into a bit of a rut.

Obviouspretzel · 10/04/2022 07:45

@Whatsmyname100

Why are you making out as if something is wrong with him. I'm 40 and would prefer cocoa and a night in than going out to see a band.
Is that because you don't like seeing bands or because you don't like nights out?
MyNameIsAngelicaSchuyler · 10/04/2022 07:46

I hate live music / band / festivals so my husband goes on his own. Just go with a friend instead!

Some people are happier in their own company, I’m one of them. Leave him be.

carefullycourageous · 10/04/2022 07:49

Breaking news: people like doing different things!

Unless you are worried this is depression, YABU as he is allowef to do as he wants with his free time.

SleeplessInEngland · 10/04/2022 08:01

I do actually sympathise with the op as I’ve often been like the husband but in my latter years I try to fight the urge to stay in all the time because I don’t want to look back on the last few decades of my life as just having watched fucking tv.

Valentine259 · 10/04/2022 08:06

I am kind of in the same boat. I love live music and am starting to get back into going out, but my that would be my husbands worst nightmare, even though he loves music (he's 60 and I am 51). I have booked to see one of my favourite bands next week - on my own. I've already seen them last month with friend but wanted to go again as it was so good. We do things together, walks out with family, meals out, but I would rather go on my own and let my hair down than drag someone else out as I would feel responsible for their happiness. Maybe when I'm 60 I will feel differently, but for now, and after the last two years, I've realised life is short and nothing is guaranteed, so seize the moment 😊