Husband ready to stay in with cocoa & slippers at 58

[Stressedout65]

I want to go & see a band, we'd be sitting down, but husband says he's too old for it. The band are from our younger days, are as old as us so audience is mainly going to be our age too. We've seen them before & I thought we had a nice time, so I got excited about seeing them again. I can go with a friend or on my own, but his too old/can't be assed to go attitude has taken the wind out of my sales. He's a brilliant husband in every other way, but is this it til we die? Our nights out together will be a nice meal then come straight home cos we're too full to stay out longer. I see other same age friend & her husband going out & having fun, while we're at home with our cocoa. Aibu?

@Grantanow

Lockdowns have changed many people's habits. We spend much more time at home than we did pre-pandemic. Last week we went on a coach trip arranged by partner and both got Covid from it. Very unpleasant few days and still recovering. Going to be more cautious in future. PS we both like hot chocolate.

Yeah, I do think the experience of lockdown and restrictions has impacted many people's social behaviour and habits, even when they're not actually bothered about covid itself. A lot of socialising can be about habit and patterns.

Haven't had time to read the full thread, but I wanted to say that this is what friends are for and you need to go to the gig with a friend who feels the same way. Couples don't have to do everything together/ have the same energy levels/ be interested in the same things. It's really oppressive to be in a marriage/ partnership where either of you is automatically expected to share the enthusiasms or interests or have the stamina of the other. We're now 60. We've been together nearly 25 years. Over those years we've both changed beyond recognition. One of us has become a marathon runner while the other has developed a skeletal condition that makes walking long distances impossible. One of us has in the last few years studied history of art with the OU and wants to spend time in galleries looking at paintings and the other doesn't. One of has become much more extrovert and the other less so.

We both have friends made through our interests and we both pursue our individual interests with those friends, instead of expecting each other to grin and bear things they don't enjoy. Go to the gig with a friend who'll love it and come home to a happy husband.

@Quincythequince all your talk of 'struggling when we age' and what 'tends to happen when we age' does have a whiff of ageism about it, yes.

I can confidently say that in ten years I'll still want to go to gigs. Age is no barrier, not being in the best of health isn't necessarily a barrier either.

You sound very clued up and capable. If your boss won’t back you up on this, look for another job, you might be surprised how much better you can do elsewhere. 50 is the new 40 in today‘s job market anyway.

@TurningUpMyStereotype 😃 I’ve described it more formally on here, but I do think it’s important not to be in a massive rut. DP was not like this when we got together. Obviously it’s fine for us Uk like different things, but he won’t really do anything. And yes, he probably finds me a fuckwit for always wanting to do things.

I guess I’m scared the world will pass me by, when there’s so much in it do and see.

For some reason that posted in a completely different thread to what I intended.

Many women have this situation, after many years of commitment to career and family find they have a man who just wants to “vegitate” , the relationship suffers and you end up hardly speaking.
Don’t suffer it, either join up with others and spread your wings or separate from him.

To all the pp 'but I love a night in!' type posts.

Its not about you. This is about a relationship. And in a relationship you make an effort to meet the other person's needs in that relationship.
When I was married, if I wanted to go to a show and none of my friends did, my H would pal me along. Cos y'know, you do stuff like that in relationship. It may not be your favourite thing but you do it cos it means something to your partner. And doing it is another little thing strengthening the relationship.

As my marriage started in its long slow decline, do you know what one of the many things was that weakened it? My H stopped listening to the Archers. He refused to after they killed off Nigel.
But listening to the Archers was one of the things we did together and chatted about together.
When our relationship was weakening, the Archers was a bonding thing. So when that went, another piece of our relationship died.
Sometimes, a dramatic event ends a relationship ,but more often its a death of a thousand cuts.

[quote TypicaIMe]@Quincythequince all your talk of 'struggling when we age' and what 'tends to happen when we age' does have a whiff of ageism about it, yes.

I can confidently say that in ten years I'll still want to go to gigs. Age is no barrier, not being in the best of health isn't necessarily a barrier either.[/quote]
I’m talking about old people typical

Not a 50 year old.

Good god!

Bodies age - as people age things become harder and take a lot more effort. That’s really not a surprise to anyone surely.

You aren’t old - and you won’t be old in 10 years either.

And with respect, you have no idea what you will and won’t want to do (based on both logistics and ability) 10 years from now. Nobody does!

YABU

I can only imagine the uproar if your DH started a thread saying he wanted to do this and you didn’t so he thought his wife was acting old and boring.

I’m 31 I absolutely love going out clubbing and partying. But I also love staying in snuggled up on the sofa watching a movie with my cup of cocoa.
Going to watch a band is not my thing at all.

He doesn’t want to go - that’s fine.
If you do either go by yourself or with someone else.

Older people are generally less able, and often less willing to go out! That’s a fact of life.

Of course if you can, and want to, then go for it. But it’s not what tends to happen as we age.

This has made me laugh my socks off. DH and I are 71 and 60 respectively. We don’t often go to music gigs, but we enjoy the cinema, theatre and stand up shows. Also the occasional rugby match. And we still travel. Off to Oz/NZ early next year hopefully. Enjoy nights in as well.

[quote TypicaIMe]@Quincythequince all your talk of 'struggling when we age' and what 'tends to happen when we age' does have a whiff of ageism about it, yes.

I can confidently say that in ten years I'll still want to go to gigs. Age is no barrier, not being in the best of health isn't necessarily a barrier either.[/quote]
Of course it’s not necessarily a barrier. But bad health absolutely makes things harder for people.

If it doesn’t make then why does society make allowances for it!?

I hope you are going to gigs until the day you die - but you are young and have many years left.

Interesting and that you are grouping yourself as an older person as your age! It really is.

I can confidently say that in ten years I'll still want to go to gigs

Well you can say it, but it may or may not be true. A lot of things can change in 10 years.

This is why people split up after 30 years of marriage - kids grown up and they find they want different things as they approach retirement. Nothing wrong with wanting a quiet life but it could lead to frustration if the partner wants to go out more.

60 isn’t old.
71 is only just getting old.

Why are all you people calling yourselves old, when you’re not??!

I haven’t said people of this age are old.

I have said actual old people, many of whom don’t go out often aren’t boring cause of it.

And now we will get all the really fit old greys (this is a marketing term for this demographic, not mine) who do manage to get out but can’t understand that other people can’t or don’t want to, and about whom my post was not meant.

The whataboutery here is spectacular

My husband is 60.
He is not old, nor even close.

We do all you mention and more - not unreasonable for middle aged people really.

I'm 37 and feel the same about gigs. Hate the noise, crowds and the faff to get in. He could just be using age as an excuse not to go. I'd definitely go with someone else as you have the option.

Do you think he's let his world shrink so you are his only friend and the only reason he has a social life, or any company? Id be worried he's going to be one of those men who leave it all to their wife as they age then when she passes, end up incredibly lonely with no one in their lives.

Book the concert tickets and then see if you can find a friend to go with you.

Arrange a meet up with the wives of his "lads" group as well, can you try to push him a little into social contact to see if he remembers enjoying it.

@LuckySantangelo35
How old are you (35?) have you got kids? How's your health?

Maybe you won't understand for years yet & that's ok, but it's really not ok to call people 'boring' because they feel differently than you.

I wish I was 20 years younger & still wanted to go out & do more, but I'm now 53, have knees that ache like fuck ALL of the time, had an accident last year & spent time in hospital having surgery, joints replaced, I'm permanently tired & have underlying problems that make getting covid a real problem for me. There is nothing I want to do enough to risk it, I'd love to go to my friends sons gigs & have a great night, but...

I know the OP says her DH isn't worrying about covid, but that aside, we don't know hiw he's feeling.

53 is 'no age' to people in good health, but I feel old, achy & tired. I can understand him feeling happy at home. Next month something might be appealing enough to make the effort to do it, but that's obviously not this gig.

@Stressedout65. You need to talk to him, nit about the gig, but life in general. I'd make more effort if I had a partner that wanted to 'do stuff' (if it wasn't for covid).

Find out what he does want to do together & do that & let him know you'd rather go to gigs etc with him, than in your own or with friends, so you'll tell him what you're going to, he can choose to come or not, no pressure, but you'll go anyway.

If he's not worried about covid, see if he'll do lower key things like the cinema.

Bear in mind, in a few years you might feel less inclined to go out too, don't throw the baby out with the bath water!!

In my thirties and feel like this… just a hot drink without a child touching me would be nice though so don’t listen to me. I’m hoping to get back to enjoying doing anything and not feeling like I wasted my rest time at some point

One of the greatest things about getting older is not having to go out in the evening😁

That sounds tough lovespring 💐

I am mindful of this. Constantly.

I am in great shape and my husband is otherwise metabolically fit, but his knees are bad so we can’t do a lot of walking or any other kind of exercise based stuff. It has affected his 60th (3 weeks) birthday trip I had planned. He’s not best placed for a city break and sightseeing, so we are rethinking.

I hope you manage to get something to help with the pain. I’m sure you know this but there are some very strong (still OTC) NSAIDs out there that can give good relief.

Take care

@Darbs76

I’m only 45 and I’d rather stay in most nights. I do enjoy going to the theatre and an occasional concert. But yeah don’t blame him. Go with a friend

Agree.

Op you’re asking in the wrong place mumsnet is full of people who seem to think they’re morally and intellectually superior for hating everyone/everything, not having any friends and never leaving the house 😂😂

I’d start making plans with friends and if he feels isolated he has only himself to blame. My parents are 62 and they’re away for the weekend in a hotel and seeing a band. My dads not in the best health and has a mild disability making his ability to walk more than about a mile very difficult but they make it work (asking for a stool to sit on, take breaks at pubs as you walk around a place so you’re not walking for too long etc). Life’s too short to sit in your house on mumsnet!

@TypicaIMe I didn’t say I went to a concert though did it? I said a night out - it was the definition of vapid.