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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband ready to stay in with cocoa & slippers at 58

285 replies

Stressedout65 · 10/04/2022 00:46

I want to go & see a band, we'd be sitting down, but husband says he's too old for it. The band are from our younger days, are as old as us so audience is mainly going to be our age too. We've seen them before & I thought we had a nice time, so I got excited about seeing them again. I can go with a friend or on my own, but his too old/can't be assed to go attitude has taken the wind out of my sales. He's a brilliant husband in every other way, but is this it til we die? Our nights out together will be a nice meal then come straight home cos we're too full to stay out longer. I see other same age friend & her husband going out & having fun, while we're at home with our cocoa. Aibu?

OP posts:
SoManyTshirts · 10/04/2022 08:07

I had to cancel going out last night for health reasons. Friend went ahead without me. He’s 76.

It’s attitude, not age.

LibrariesGiveUsPower · 10/04/2022 08:09

I’m 20 years younger and having just caught covid I’d rather stay in with coco tbh.

drpet49 · 10/04/2022 08:11

* Why are you making out as if something is wrong with him.*

^I agree

dudsville · 10/04/2022 08:11

Everyone's different. Regardless of age. We have several friends older by 5 to 10 years who are still going out. I haven't been out since early 40s and that's how it is now.

AuntieMarys · 10/04/2022 08:11

We are In our 60s and go to a couple of gigs a month. However we like eating/ drinking during the day and home by 7!!

Darbs76 · 10/04/2022 08:14

I’m only 45 and I’d rather stay in most nights. I do enjoy going to the theatre and an occasional concert. But yeah don’t blame him. Go with a friend

Hyenaormeercat · 10/04/2022 08:15

Same here although DH is older than that. To be fair to him his health is poor, but even if I suggest a walk with the dog, he uses a mobility scooter, its too cold, too warm, too windy. I just end up going out on my own. Concerts, plays, musicals...too expensive.
I find it frustrating.

Onthegrid · 10/04/2022 08:18

I am a bit younger than your DH and now only choose to go to things I enjoy, my DH is the same, this means we do some stuff together and also individually with friends.
I am also much more cautious than he is regarding covid as although not CEV I have many health issues.
For example this weekend he is going to a comedy thing in London that has been rescheduled since The pandemic, it is not something I particularly enjoy and the timing of the original show didn’t work for me so he had arranged to go with a friend, I am now free so could go, and the friend is not, but it is still not my thing so he is going with his brother.

fluffythedragonslayer · 10/04/2022 08:18

I went out with some friends in their 20s on Friday (I'm in my 40s) and I think I'm with your husband on the slippers and cocoa! I am very much not young anymore 😁

For us it is different as we can't afford much so if we go for a meal, that's the whole evening as we can't afford shows or concerts too. If we do theatre, we can't also do dinner... Also DH is in recovery (alcohol) which means evenings out are very different than when we were in our 20s getting drunk and going dancing together etc

Not wanting to go to a concert sounds frustrating but I guess you'll have to find compromise and maybe your dancing days are over with husband, age changes people. Can you compromise on things like, restaurant or pub with live music, light meal before theatre etc? What do you do on holiday for example?

Slippers and cocoa are under rated tho. I love snuggling with DH on the sofa and watching either a crime series or some kind of apocalyptic end of world programme with some nice food and a cup of tea. But as I say, we are quite skint and can't afford to go out very often.

jellybeanteaparty · 10/04/2022 08:19

Is it just live music and stuff in the evening? You have said he is happy to go out for meals, do you have days out ? Is he interested in holidays/short breaks ?

Mosaic123 · 10/04/2022 08:19

Why did he decline seeing his old friends so much that they don't ask him any more?

Does he worry about his memory showing him up for example?

Ifailed · 10/04/2022 08:19

He sounds a bit depressed to me.

LunaNova · 10/04/2022 08:21

This sounds like he's just less social than you are and I think it must be hard for someone who is a social butterfly to understand how someone who isn't feels about these kinds of events.

Luckily my DH and I are on the same page with this, we both like live music but will be picky with which events we go to (mainly due to childcare). We've got a day festival coming up and I'm grateful it's on a bank hol weekend as I will need the other two days to retreat into myself and not be social (my DH is the same).

I've been known to decline events if they're too close together because I don't have the mental headspace to do too much.

Do you only ever go out for meals just the two of you? Or with other people? If it's with other people it's possible that that event alone is enough to fill his social cup and he needs to recharge after.

If I were you I'd start looking at events from a perspective of you'll ask DH first but if he doesn't want to, ask a friend or go alone. "Hey DH, there's this gig I'd really like to go to. Are you interested in joining or should I ask X instead?" No pressure either way and you both get to spend time doing what you like.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 10/04/2022 08:22

I think a lot of men slip into this mindset in their late 50s. I’ve told DH he needs to fight it if he gets like that as it’s boring. Thankfully he still loves a night out (mid 50s).

Our neighbours in their 80s and are regularly out for meals, drinks, cinema, holidays.

Whooshaagh · 10/04/2022 08:25

I was thrilled 10 years ago when an Elton John gig began at 6.30 and I was home by 10.
Can't do with getting there at 5 and the top bill doesn't come on until 9 or later.

thewhatsit · 10/04/2022 08:28

Is that because you don't like seeing bands or because you don't like nights out?

I’m not the person this was asked to, but personally I really struggle being out at all late. I just get so tired. I’m completely a morning person and if someone suggested getting up to go on a walk to see the sunrise I’d happily do it.

I can only see this getting worse as I get older.

I sometimes force myself to go out in the evening if there is a play I really want to see etc but it’s definitely a bit of a struggle. I don’t think this means I don’t do things and I hope to be at the gym regularly well last retirement etc that sort of thing, but I am not a night owl.

I do think in the Op’s case though it’s not so much him not wanting to go out late into the evening (and frankly, if he doesn’t want to go and see a band he should be able to say no) but it sounds like he’s struggling to get himself back to normal life.

JellyBabiesSaveLives · 10/04/2022 08:29

Some of us went through lockdowns/wfh and thought “shit, this is bliss, why don’t I always live like this?”.

Bagelsandbrie · 10/04/2022 08:31

I’m 41 and have no desire whatsoever to go out in the evenings anymore. None. I like doing stuff during the day and then like to have dinner at home and watch Tv / read etc. I was quite wild during my younger years and I just enjoy being home now. Nothing wrong with that! You just sound incompatible in that regard. It’s not an age thing!

JustDanceAddict · 10/04/2022 08:32

Is it just the concert he’s not keen on - does he not do other stuff? What about in the daytime?
Dh is still up for doing stuff - he’s a bit younger than your dh - in fact he’s prob more ‘game’ than me sometimes although we both have aches and pains now in our 50s!
I’d go with a friend to the concert and leave dh at home! You’ll be worried he’s miserable the whole times you’re there otherwise.

DesidaCrick · 10/04/2022 08:33

I would just find other people to go out with if it’s something he’s not up for. Can you ask him to suggest something to do with you out of the home and see what he says? Maybe it’s just the band he wasn’t keen on?

It sounds as though he wants to socialize sometimes but on his own terms. It’s liberating to get to an age where you feel ok about putting your needs first but it does require good communication. His friends will stop asking him out entirely if he keeps saying no to stuff. He’s going to have to proactively suggest something that he wants to do with his friendship group to rekindle his social life.

But going forward, do make sure you are both happy. I have seen a long marriage break down because one of a couple refused to compromise and would not go out at all in the evenings.

HopingForMyRainbowBaby · 10/04/2022 08:34

There's no hope for me at 36 then!!

HarlanPepper · 10/04/2022 08:34

Go on your own?

WellThisWentWell · 10/04/2022 08:34

I’m 35 and I’ve always been like you husband.
SmileGrin

You sound a bit dramatic.

HardbackWriter · 10/04/2022 08:41

@drpet49

* Why are you making out as if something is wrong with him.*

^I agree

There isn't anything wrong with him but there also isn't anything wrong with OP - and it may be that they're becoming very incompatible.
dottydodah · 10/04/2022 08:41

Well maybe go with a friend instead? 58 is not old but not particularly young either! I have been quite wild in the past,but as you get older you tend to slow down a bit(mid 50s here). You say he likes going for meals thats good.maybe entice him to Theatre or suchlike ? We are going for a meal out ,and have booked table for 7 to be back by 9! I joke we are "up past our bedtime" if later than 11pm these days!