Husband ready to stay in with cocoa & slippers at 58

[Stressedout65]

I want to go & see a band, we'd be sitting down, but husband says he's too old for it. The band are from our younger days, are as old as us so audience is mainly going to be our age too. We've seen them before & I thought we had a nice time, so I got excited about seeing them again. I can go with a friend or on my own, but his too old/can't be assed to go attitude has taken the wind out of my sales. He's a brilliant husband in every other way, but is this it til we die? Our nights out together will be a nice meal then come straight home cos we're too full to stay out longer. I see other same age friend & her husband going out & having fun, while we're at home with our cocoa. Aibu?

@Quincythequince city breaks can be done my dad nearly lost a leg years ago and has struggled walking with multiple surgeries but he’s been all over the place - dp could utilize a low key walking stick, support bandages, painkillers, even a mobility scooter type thing can be hired in most places. You can also do Uber hopping round a city to the main places, you don’t have to walk everywhere. Add in frequent coffee and wine stops and you can see the world without having to walk much !

@Whatsmyname100

Why are you making out as if something is wrong with him. I'm 40 and would prefer cocoa and a night in than going out to see a band.

Me too. I often pack DH off on his own to this sort of thing. He's a musician anyway, and always finds some crony or other to talk to, at considerable length. Bores me rigid, so I don't go.

I'm 64, still going out to concerts and all sorts of social events.

Mine’s the same. Just wants ipad and tv and bed. I think socialisingwas something he did to find a wife and now he’s settled down he doesn’t need the outside workd anymore. I do think covid has made itnworse though, he’s embrwced working from home and basically his ideal life is to be on laptop / ipad all day in bed.

I think all you can do is go out with friends instead, or drag him out.

Some people don't enjoy gigs. I'm with you go and see them, on your own if necessary.

My hubby is 39, I am 37, I have always loved going out and dancing, he never has. I just go with a friend or by myself.

I don't see the issue really, go with a friend and leave him where he want to be at home.

I'm with you OP, its frustrating when people get into a mindset and don't want to do things they used to enjoy.

I can persuade DH to go to comedy shows , would your husband be more up for that?

My dh sees bands a lot. I don't. He goes with other friends. Never rely on a partner to provide all your social needs!

I wouldn’t push him into doing things he doesn’t enjoy, so keep trying other avenues and gentle encouragement. Tell him your feelings and how this affects you too, and you are worried about the future.

All I can say is, as someone who has been forced through no choice of my own, in their entire thirties, to do not much more than spend my life watching tv - through life shortening illness and severe disability - he should “use it before you lose it.”. He may not realise but he is taking his physical abilities for granted. As well as you.

However, you should try to both compromise and do as much as you are happy to and able for one another, for as long as possible, and for the hard no’s, do those things with friends, family and groups/clubs. Allow him some comfortable downtime, and you still do you with others so as not to lose out and end up resentful. You may be together but ultimately it’s your life, live it how you want without regrets. Time is more precious than many realise before it’s too late.

[quote Blueeyedgirl21]@Quincythequince city breaks can be done my dad nearly lost a leg years ago and has struggled walking with multiple surgeries but he’s been all over the place - dp could utilize a low key walking stick, support bandages, painkillers, even a mobility scooter type thing can be hired in most places. You can also do Uber hopping round a city to the main places, you don’t have to walk everywhere. Add in frequent coffee and wine stops and you can see the world without having to walk much ![/quote]
Thanks blueeyed

Good to know.

We have suggested aids to make to easier, but tbh, he Is struggling mentally with it.

The irony is he could be a lot more mobile if he did specific exercises. I have been saying this for a while and he has now started to build up the muscles in and around his knees and he feels a lot better for it.

Won’t ever be rambling for miles again, but at least hopefully the pain will be almost non-existent to enjoy a city break.

We’re taking the kids too 😃

Would your husband have generally been up for going out prior to Covid? I've noticed what you said about him being furloughed and feeling isolated through lockdown -
This can have a big impact on people. My own husband was similar and took early retirement and there have been times where he's worried me with sleeping in all morning, then watching TV and drinking . He's so much better in the summer though .

Personally I would not feel comfortable sitting squashed in an indoor venue with thousands of others at this particular moment. This is a nervousness around Covid though in that I'm worried about numbers going up even more before going down. We have a gig booked for end of May so fingers crossed things will be better by then!

Go to the gig with a friend . But I think you should continue to gently encourage your husband - for his own sake as well as yours. He needs to have his own circle of friends - it's fine if he doesn't enjoy evenings drinking - but taking part in sports, fishing, a quiet pint and a game of pool is sociable but doesn't involve staying out all night .

Continue doing the things together he likes to do, make sure you keep going out with your own friends but equally sometimes try to push your husband to go with you.

I have a slightly opposite problem in that I always had longer holidays than DH and am used to heading off for a few days by myself with a friend or to visit relatives- now he's retired, he's bored and wants to come with me!

@natureshere

To all the pp 'but I love a night in!' type posts.

Its not about you. This is about a relationship. And in a relationship you make an effort to meet the other person's needs in that relationship.
When I was married, if I wanted to go to a show and none of my friends did, my H would pal me along. Cos y'know, you do stuff like that in relationship. It may not be your favourite thing but you do it cos it means something to your partner. And doing it is another little thing strengthening the relationship.

As my marriage started in its long slow decline, do you know what one of the many things was that weakened it? My H stopped listening to the Archers. He refused to after they killed off Nigel.
But listening to the Archers was one of the things we did together and chatted about together.
When our relationship was weakening, the Archers was a bonding thing. So when that went, another piece of our relationship died.
Sometimes, a dramatic event ends a relationship ,but more often its a death of a thousand cuts.

This! In a relationship there has to be some give and take. Sometimes you have to go to something you aren’t bothered about because your partner is, and they should reciprocate.

I’d personally still go if I was you, don’t miss out because of him!

@Bagelsandbrie
Why are you going out in uncomfortable clothes?!
Ok yeah, you can’t wear the trackie bottoms and fluffy slippers you may wear in the house out, but I don’t get the uncomfortable clothes issue you mentioned

I'm 33 and would much prefer a night in than a night out.

@Roominmyhouse that’s similar to what happened in mine, hence why I’m wary of it happening again

Honestly, I’m 33 and I can’t be arsed with gigs anymore! I’d rather stay in with the cocoa and slippers!

I'm with you op. Me and my DH are your age and have always, and still do go to gigs and festivals.
If he suddenly wanted to give them a miss and stay at home instead, I'd wonder what was wrong with him.
As it is, he's currently on a four day bender with his friends and I'm going to a gig with my eldest at the end of the month. The only reason my DH isn't going with me is because he will be back at work abroad by then.
You need to be having a word with your DH to find out if this is a one off, or if he intends to turn into Ken Barlow.

I also find it’s hard to think of things to talk about if we never do anything.

I’m talking about old people

No, not ageist at all

Also, @Quincythequince, your passions don't change just because you're 60 or 70. I have adored live music since I was 15. Why would that change suddenly in the next ten years?

What an odd assumption to make.

Is he a bit depressed about getting older? Mid life crisis thing?

There could be other factors as well.
I'm ver conscious of trying to be sensible financially so we can have a comfortable retirement. Concerts are expensive these days, so it would need to be someone I really wanted to see to fork out the £70-100 per person.

I think part of this is sadness that an event you remember as being a really good night out and worth repeating, isn't the same for your DH.

FWIW I am off to see Duran Duran in July. DH point blank refuses to come ( as did I to the Sex Pistols) so I'm going with a pal.

[quote elbea]@TypicaIMe I didn’t say I went to a concert though did it? I said a night out - it was the definition of vapid.[/quote]
You said 'that wouldn't interest me' with regard to the OP, who is talking about going to a gig.

I'm 40 and I know how exactly how he feels. I know my comment is not helpful!

Interesting and that you are grouping yourself as an older person as your age! It really is.

I'm not. I mentioned my age to illustrate that I'm not that much younger than the OP's DH.

I’m 40 and rarely go out in the evenings, I do lots of exciting things during daylight though and during the weekend, but when it comes to evenings I like to relax 🤣. I’m not into drinking or eating out in the evenings, I would go and see a band though.