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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband ready to stay in with cocoa & slippers at 58

285 replies

Stressedout65 · 10/04/2022 00:46

I want to go & see a band, we'd be sitting down, but husband says he's too old for it. The band are from our younger days, are as old as us so audience is mainly going to be our age too. We've seen them before & I thought we had a nice time, so I got excited about seeing them again. I can go with a friend or on my own, but his too old/can't be assed to go attitude has taken the wind out of my sales. He's a brilliant husband in every other way, but is this it til we die? Our nights out together will be a nice meal then come straight home cos we're too full to stay out longer. I see other same age friend & her husband going out & having fun, while we're at home with our cocoa. Aibu?

OP posts:
WouldBeGood · 10/04/2022 09:16

I agree @LuckySantangelo35! It’s a bit depressing.

I’m in my fifties but eager to go out, not just for meals. I love seeing bands but have started booking just for me, as DP is also in the pipe and slippers mode, wants to sit down at them if he does go.

I know how you feel @Stressedout65 as I’d like to do stuff with him, and we are on very different pages.

Quincythequince · 10/04/2022 09:16

@TypicaIMe

People aren’t boring because they don’t want to go out lucky. If you think that, you will struggle when you age

What prevents you from going out when you're older, if you want to?

Older people are generally less able, and often less willing to go out! That’s a fact of life.

Of course if you can, and want to, then go for it. But it’s not what tends to happen as we age.

Many people may wish for the opportunity or health to go out, but can’t. Doesn’t mean they’re boring, or can’t find other ways to occupy themselves. That’s all I mean by that.

Saltyquiche · 10/04/2022 09:17

Maybe he’d rather do other interesting things during the day? Lively nights out out aren’t everyone’s idea of fun.

LuckySantangelo35 · 10/04/2022 09:17

@TurningUpMyStereotype
Well of course I realise that! But it’s not like nights in are in short supply, most of us have loads and loads of them. So that’s what I mean when I can’t comprehend someone actively selecting a night in over a night out when the opportunity arises. Also you can have loads of nights in when you are old! 68 is not old.

Bagelsandbrie · 10/04/2022 09:19

@LuckySantangelo35

“ Why are you making out as if something is wrong with him. I'm 40 and would prefer cocoa and a night in than going out to see a band.”

Urgh all these boring people on here! You can have a night in whenever! If you work mon-fri then chances are vast majority of your week nights are spent in the house. We’ve had a pandemic where we’ve had to have months in the house. Why wouldn’t you want to get out?!

Because to some people (like me) going out is boring. Too many people, too much noise, wearing uncomfortable clothes that I wouldn’t normally wear just to stand around having to pretend I am interested in what other people have to say…. no thanks! I’d rather stay at home with my dh or by myself and chat on my comfy sofa in my pjs eating snacks and watching Tv! We’re all different.
Quincythequince · 10/04/2022 09:19

I went to see Calling Planet on Earth on Friday!

A whole evening of 80s cover tunes.

I am a bit young to be very familiar with them when they came out, but knew a lot of them.

Almost everyone was on their feet and dancing by the end of the night.

Going to hazard a guess that the average age was circa 60 ( I was a youngster by comparison).

But what a great bloody night that was 💥🙌🏻

RosesAndHellebores · 10/04/2022 09:21

We are 60ish and both still working. Even five years ago we'd have gone to the opera or ballet on a Thursday or would have had people to dinner on a Thursday. We can't do that now and feel sharp the next day. We have to pace ourselves more carefully and are much more tired at weekends than we used to be.

Fairislefandango · 10/04/2022 09:22

I just got get how anyone can like staying in their house night after night. Like why would anyone actively choose a night in over a night out??!

Because people like relaxing in their own homes, and there are things they do at home which they enjoy. Going out isn't inherently 'better' than staying in. It depends what either involves. And I don't think many people would want to be out every night!

I like going out occasionally, but I wouldn't want to do it all the time. I would choose a night in over a night out most nights!

TurningUpMyStereotype · 10/04/2022 09:22

Well of course I realise that! But it’s not like nights in are in short supply, most of us have loads and loads of them. So that’s what I mean when I can’t comprehend someone actively selecting a night in over a night out when the opportunity arises. Also you can have loads of nights in when you are old! 68 is not old.

You don’t have to understand it, you just have to accept it. Or end the relationship if it’s a dealbreaker. I say that as someone that loves concerts and have lots more planned this year.

BrokenNHS · 10/04/2022 09:25

I love nothing more than staying in!
Having said that, I was out late in the city a couple of nights ago with friends, Wednesday night and there were so many people out. Nearly all young (20s) OR much older (retired?).
I’m too tired from work to make it a regular thing.

astoundedgoat · 10/04/2022 09:28

[quote LuckySantangelo35]@TurningUpMyStereotype
Well of course I realise that! But it’s not like nights in are in short supply, most of us have loads and loads of them. So that’s what I mean when I can’t comprehend someone actively selecting a night in over a night out when the opportunity arises. Also you can have loads of nights in when you are old! 68 is not old.[/quote]
Actually I think the opposite - nights out have been in SUCH short supply over the last two years that it has given everything an air of fragility for me - if a cool band that I love (or loved in 1994!!) is playing in my city (dare to dream...) or one of the big cities that I can easily get to, then I HAVE to go, because it might all be taken away from us again.

So yes, I am going to see Pop Will Eat Itself. ;)

Whatsmyname100 · 10/04/2022 09:29

@LuckySantangelo35

“ Why are you making out as if something is wrong with him. I'm 40 and would prefer cocoa and a night in than going out to see a band.”

Urgh all these boring people on here! You can have a night in whenever! If you work mon-fri then chances are vast majority of your week nights are spent in the house. We’ve had a pandemic where we’ve had to have months in the house. Why wouldn’t you want to get out?!

But that's your opinion. And yes if you work, the week is a slog and hardly a chance to just sit down and not do much. In fact, I think the pandemic actually got people thinking how much they actually prefer not feeling obligated to do stuff all the time. We do enjoy the odd night out but find just as much enjoyment with a night in over the weekend. We usually go out during the day and prefer a lunch and other activities.
TypicaIMe · 10/04/2022 09:30

Older people are generally less able, and often less willing to go out! That’s a fact of life.

Of course if you can, and want to, then go for it. But it’s not what tends to happen as we age.

Many people may wish for the opportunity or health to go out, but can’t. Doesn’t mean they’re boring, or can’t find other ways to occupy themselves. That’s all I mean by that.

@Quincythequince I'm 50 in a few months so hardly in the first flush of youth. I also have rheumatoid arthritis and use a walking stick. I'm also immunosuppressed and the only reason I'm able to go to gigs next week is that I've had covid a couple of weeks ago and am unlikely to catch it again.

Going to gigs (like doing most things) is difficult for me, and often painful. But no way would I pass up the opportunity to go to one. Pre Covid I was at gigs almost weekly. To do otherwise would, to me, be incredibly boring.

Being older or in poorer health isn't necessarily a reason not to go to gigs if you want to. Some expectations of what 'tends to happen as we age' are outdated and actually, quite ageist.

WouldBeGood · 10/04/2022 09:35

Quite @TypicaIMe. It’s like “old people” should be accepting of decrepitude and staying in.

@Stressedout65 I really feel my DP needs to get out of his rut for it to work with me. We are both on holiday this week so I’ve set him a challenge of finding something brand new for us to do (an activity, not a sex thing 😃) We shall see

augustusglupe · 10/04/2022 09:36

You're just different. I'm like your DH and my DH is more like you.
He wants to go and see The Damned later this year...he'll be going alone or with a friend too.

Can we swap!?

Quincythequince · 10/04/2022 09:39

Typical my post wasn’t clearly about people like youc and you’ve clearly not understood it.

And 50 is not old at all, and your situation is I what I’m talking about.

My point being is that staying in, doesn’t make you inherently more boring than someone who goes out.

That’s all.

Some people chose to stay in - fine! Some stay in without a choice - unfortunate to say the least.

Neither of these people are automatically boring because of it.

And someone who goes to a gig because they are forced to or feel they have to, isn’t necessarily more fun.

I would hate to be at a gig with someone who didn’t want to be there, but went anyway.

TurningUpMyStereotype · 10/04/2022 09:40

We are both on holiday this week so I’ve set him a challenge of finding something brand new for us to do

You’ve set him a challenge? That would give me the serious ‘ick’ so often talked about on here of my partner did that. Like a test. Just no.

EssexLioness · 10/04/2022 09:40

I am in my mid 40s and DH and I have been like that since our early 30s. Everyone is different. We do go to occasional shows but otherwise it is unheard of for us to go out in the evening. Evenings tend to be louder and more crowded in lots of places which we find stressful. If we are eating out/ going to the cinema etc we will go during the day so that we can relax at home in the evening afterwards.
Your husband isn’t wrong for wanting to do things differently but that shouldn’t hold you back. Just go on your own. I have been to concerts, holidays etc alone because it hasn’t been DHs cup of tea. Alternatively find a friend who likes doing the same things as you.

elbea · 10/04/2022 09:41

I wouldn’t really be interested in doing that at 30. I went on a night out last weekend for the first time since pre pandemic and did not enjoy it one bit. I’d forgotten how dreadful and vapid the whole thing is.

I love socialising but sitting in a bar where you can’t hear yourself and trying to dodge the advances of creepy old men, despite being clearly pregnant, is not my idea of a fun evening.

rookiemere · 10/04/2022 09:45

I have found as I get older (52) , that I'm less prepared to do things I don't particularly enjoy just to keep the peace. Also I can't drink more than 2-3 units in an evening without feeling very unwell.

It came to a bit of a head when DH and I went to Barcelona. We hadn't been away just the two of us on a city break for a long time and it felt to me like he just wanted to drink all the time. So pre dinner drink and then tedious sitting in a bar after dinner. Realised we both need to compromise- so book a show or something so we stay out - which DH likes - but it doesn't involve drinking or nursing a sparkling water for hours on end (me).

My suggestion is find something you both like. We have cinema membership now and we also both enjoy days out with the dog.

I find this insistence on mumsnet that "age is just a number " a bit tedious and limiting. I'm 52, I do not have the energy I did in my 20s and my tastes have evolved. It's perfectly natural.

Quincythequince · 10/04/2022 09:45

And I’m 47 typical so also not young.

There was nothing ageist about my statement at all - have a word with yourself.

And you aren’t more fun (or less boring) because you’re 50, in questionable health but want to go to a gig then someone who is a similar age, in good health, but would rather stay in to do other things.

It’s also interesting that you think 50 is old though. By old I mean 70+ and lots of people of that age don’t go out anywhere near as much, but don’t suddenly become more boring.

Peboh · 10/04/2022 09:47

I'm 28 and probably feel similar to your dh most of the time. I much prefer doing something during the day/afternoon rather than the evening.
It doesn't make somebody old or boring to not want to go to a concert.

YewandOak · 10/04/2022 09:48

@LuckySantangelo35

“ Why are you making out as if something is wrong with him. I'm 40 and would prefer cocoa and a night in than going out to see a band.”

Urgh all these boring people on here! You can have a night in whenever! If you work mon-fri then chances are vast majority of your week nights are spent in the house. We’ve had a pandemic where we’ve had to have months in the house. Why wouldn’t you want to get out?!

Because covid is still about?

Because they're ill/tired?

Because some people prefer staying home in the evening (I'm with the husband on this)

balalake · 10/04/2022 09:48

I can get OP where you are coming from though from the replies seems you are not alone, and Covid is not the cause it seems. Do you think it may be a symptom of something else, a potential health issue, a result of a bad workplace, for example?

TypicaIMe · 10/04/2022 09:49

I wouldn’t really be interested in doing that at 30. I went on a night out last weekend for the first time since pre pandemic and did not enjoy it one bit. I’d forgotten how dreadful and vapid the whole thing is.

See this sounds condescending. Going to see a band you love isn't vapid. And it certainly isn't dreadful!