Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband ready to stay in with cocoa & slippers at 58

285 replies

Stressedout65 · 10/04/2022 00:46

I want to go & see a band, we'd be sitting down, but husband says he's too old for it. The band are from our younger days, are as old as us so audience is mainly going to be our age too. We've seen them before & I thought we had a nice time, so I got excited about seeing them again. I can go with a friend or on my own, but his too old/can't be assed to go attitude has taken the wind out of my sales. He's a brilliant husband in every other way, but is this it til we die? Our nights out together will be a nice meal then come straight home cos we're too full to stay out longer. I see other same age friend & her husband going out & having fun, while we're at home with our cocoa. Aibu?

OP posts:
Sidisawetlettuce · 10/04/2022 08:42

Just go on your own! I'm off to see a show on my own tonight which my DH wasn't bothered about. We're not joined at the hip.

diddl · 10/04/2022 08:43

"He used to get asked, but he's declined that much they've given up. He doesn't like golf & can't keep up with their drinking. He doesn't have to keep up with their drinking & they don't always play golf."

Depending on how much they drink & act it can be tedious being out with a bunch of drinkers.

rookiemere · 10/04/2022 08:44

Is he reluctant to do other things like going out for a meal or on holiday?

If it's just concerts then go with a friend. I find as I get older I take more mini breaks with friends ( also DS is a teen so a bit young to be left on his own, but doesn't like family holidays much) and DH does his thing.
But we do also do some stuff together.

HardbackWriter · 10/04/2022 08:45

I also don't know why people keep telling OP that she should just go with a friend - she says in the first post:

I can go with a friend or on my own, but his too old/can't be assed to go attitude has taken the wind out of my sales. He's a brilliant husband in every other way, but is this it til we die?

It's not that she doesn't know she can go without him, and it's not about this one gig - it's about feeling her really out of sync with her partner.

DesidaCrick · 10/04/2022 08:47

That’s why I suggested a conversation. To find out if there are any compromises that keep everyone happy.

Mirrorball2022 · 10/04/2022 08:49

I go to gigs without my partner we are early 40s and it’s not because of age it’s just I love them and he isn’t that fussed so it’s fine. I have friends to go with. I’ve realised how much I’ve missed watching live music when I’ve been post covid. Haven’t caught it at a gig. Mind you in work with it and haven’t caught it there either ( yet!)

Many people are in a post covid rut, some are wary ( who can blame them when cases are so high) but many are just out of the habit of leaving the house for regular things we didn’t even think about before. For some it’s more an effort than before and organising people defo seems like more hard work.

I don’t think he is doing anything wrong and maybe you need to go with friends to things like this. He still wants to go for meals etc so he isn’t hanging up his going out shoes yet. It’s not an age thing. You can only suggest things for him to do in regards to being lonely. If he doesn’t become more proactive with his social life with friends what more can you do.

Benjispruce4 · 10/04/2022 08:51

We’re 51(me) & 49 and enjoy going out , staying in with wine, going to the cinema, a meal, a band. We are often tired in the week after work but try to make the effort to do something at the weekend. As a pp said, just book it and then you’ll make the effort.

rookiemere · 10/04/2022 08:56

I wouldn't book something if your DH has expressly said he doesn't want to go.

TypicaIMe · 10/04/2022 08:56

I'm nearly 50 and I couldn't imagine life without going to gigs (actually I can because that's been life for the past two years and it's been shit!). DH is the same, admittedly he's 38 however.

I know it's sad that DH doesn't want to go and you can't share this with him, particularly as it's a band from your youth so presumably you have shared memories relating to them. But if you really want to go, either go alone or with a friend. You can have separate interests from your DH and although it's a shame you can't share all of them, it doesn't mean you have to miss out. Go, and have a lovely time!

LuckySantangelo35 · 10/04/2022 08:57

“ Why are you making out as if something is wrong with him. I'm 40 and would prefer cocoa and a night in than going out to see a band.”

Urgh all these boring people on here! You can have a night in whenever! If you work mon-fri then chances are vast majority of your week nights are spent in the house. We’ve had a pandemic where we’ve had to have months in the house. Why wouldn’t you want to get out?!

astoundedgoat · 10/04/2022 09:01

Not the point of the thread at all, but what's the band?

We went to see an goth/electro/industrial band before the pandemic that had been big in a really niche way in the 90's and we were almost the youngest people there.

Everybody was in their late 40's/50's losing their MINDS jumping and singing along to everything. It was the happiest and most delighted atmosphere of any gig I've ever been to. There was a small group of ultracool beautiful young goths there who were absolutely bloody HORRIFIED at what everybody else had turned into in the intervening years. Grin

Now that I think of it, most of the bands we go see now are the same age as us. Yeah Yeah Yeahs in June, for instance.

Sometimes my husband has to chivvy me along for these things - it's not that I don't want to go to the gig itself, but I think of the admin (and cost) of childcare, early train/tube, dinner, gig, getting back to the station for the last train and then the tedium of the slooooooowness of the stopping service, getting in at 1am. All for a 1 hour gig. It makes my heart sink a little, but I NEVER regret having actually done it, and it makes me feel younger and cooler again. We're the only people we know who still actually make the effort to do this though.

If you chivvied him out the door would he end up enjoying it, or would he have a shit time?

TurningUpMyStereotype · 10/04/2022 09:04

You sound like you think you’re better than him and a bit too ‘cool’ for him. Accept that he wants different things or leave him. But don’t try to make him be like you. If he’s a good husband in every other way, like you say he is, leave him alone. You can still do the things you want to do.

TypicaIMe · 10/04/2022 09:05

@astoundedgoat that's a good point.

Me and DH are going to two gigs next week and both are members of bands who were big in the 80s who are now solo. They're both in their 50s and 60s and when we've been to see them previously most of the audience were probably in their 40s or older. DH was definitely one of the youngest there!

TypicaIMe · 10/04/2022 09:06

You sound like you think you’re better than him and a bit too ‘cool’ for him

What's 'cool' about wanting to see a band?!

I'm not getting this from the OP at all.

gogohm · 10/04/2022 09:08

No no no - tell him he's not too old. We go and see bands most weekends, Saturdays and sometimes Fridays too locally - up dancing until 11.30! My dp is nearly 57 and we are ready for cocoa and slippers yet! The pub we go to is mostly 50-70! Life is for living. We do our fair share of watching tv at home, not against a murder mystery or quiz but life is so much more whilst you have your health

Quincythequince · 10/04/2022 09:08

People aren’t boring because they don’t want to go out lucky. If you think that, you will struggle when you age.

And maybe the OP DH dreads being asked to go out because he just doesn’t want to, and has from the sounds of it, never really been any different. Either accept that he’s like this and expect the odd compromise, or work out what to do if this is just untenable for you as a couple moving forwards.

I would hate to be constantly asked to do things I don’t want to do, and have made it clear I don’t want to do.

astoundedgoat · 10/04/2022 09:08

OMG just saw that Pop Will Eat Itself are touring later this year! Now THERE'S a gig I'm going to be the youngest person at! Grin

I think we can safely say nobody will be sitting down for that one. GrinGrinGrin

TheYearOfSmallThings · 10/04/2022 09:12

I think he is old enough to make his own decisions, and if you are more adventurous the best thing to do is find a friend who enjoys doing adventurous things too. I'm mid forties and honestly I don't want to go to gigs of bands I loved 20 years ago (specifically I HATE seeing them so old, unlike me who has not aged a day Grin).

He is not holding you back from doing what you want, and you don't have to do everything as a couple.

astoundedgoat · 10/04/2022 09:12

@TurningUpMyStereotype

You sound like you think you’re better than him and a bit too ‘cool’ for him. Accept that he wants different things or leave him. But don’t try to make him be like you. If he’s a good husband in every other way, like you say he is, leave him alone. You can still do the things you want to do.
I don't think that's fair at all. Going to a gig is no more intrinsically cool than anything else.

But being married is about awareness of what your partner likes to do and indulging them (happily) at least from time to time. The OP would like to go out more WITH her husband, and started this thread because she is sad that he is embracing what she perceives as old age with open arms.

Nothing wrong with wanting to stay in with a cocoa and a pair of really excellent slippers, but to be only 58 and genuinely blissed out at the idea of that being the sole content (lol) of the next THIRTY YEARS or more is pretty miserable to many of us.

Grantanow · 10/04/2022 09:13

Lockdowns have changed many people's habits. We spend much more time at home than we did pre-pandemic. Last week we went on a coach trip arranged by partner and both got Covid from it. Very unpleasant few days and still recovering. Going to be more cautious in future. PS we both like hot chocolate.

TypicaIMe · 10/04/2022 09:13

People aren’t boring because they don’t want to go out lucky. If you think that, you will struggle when you age

What prevents you from going out when you're older, if you want to?

TurningUpMyStereotype · 10/04/2022 09:14

@TypicaIMe

You sound like you think you’re better than him and a bit too ‘cool’ for him

What's 'cool' about wanting to see a band?!

I'm not getting this from the OP at all.

It’s not about the band. It’s that she comes across to me as someone that thinks she’s better or cooler for wanting to be out more than him. She’s not. They just prefer different things.
LuckySantangelo35 · 10/04/2022 09:14

There’s a difference between not going out because you are elderly and infirm and not going out because you can and don’t want to! Most people who don’t go out because they are old or due to health reasons will have liked going out when they were able. I dunno, I just got get how anyone can like staying in their house night after night. Like why would anyone actively choose a night in over a night out??!

LuckySantangelo35 · 10/04/2022 09:15

@TurningUpMyStereotype
I think she is cooler than him though. She sounds great to me. And she just doesn’t sound as if she thinks she is superior to him at all. Just frustrated because he is acting way older than his years!

TurningUpMyStereotype · 10/04/2022 09:15

I just got get how anyone can like staying in their house night after night. Like why would anyone actively choose a night in over a night out??!

You are presumably an adult and you haven’t yet realised that people are different. 👍

Swipe left for the next trending thread