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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband ready to stay in with cocoa & slippers at 58

285 replies

Stressedout65 · 10/04/2022 00:46

I want to go & see a band, we'd be sitting down, but husband says he's too old for it. The band are from our younger days, are as old as us so audience is mainly going to be our age too. We've seen them before & I thought we had a nice time, so I got excited about seeing them again. I can go with a friend or on my own, but his too old/can't be assed to go attitude has taken the wind out of my sales. He's a brilliant husband in every other way, but is this it til we die? Our nights out together will be a nice meal then come straight home cos we're too full to stay out longer. I see other same age friend & her husband going out & having fun, while we're at home with our cocoa. Aibu?

OP posts:
HighlandCowbag · 11/04/2022 18:49

Let him stay home.

My life is really busy, I have horses, uni, a business, 2 dcs the youngest being 8 so still school runs, an allotment etc. Dh would go 'out out' every weekend because he doesn't have any hobbies other than helping on the allotment. So come Friday night he wants to go out, meet friends, have people around. He does minimal housework as he works long hours and doesn't really see the mess whereas I like to keep on top of it. A night out makes me tired for at least 2 days and I am just too busy to be knackered all weekend.

Plus I would rather spend the time riding, or pottering on the allotment or even getting ahead with uni stuff. We go out about once a month on average and it is more than enough for me.

Fluffmum · 11/04/2022 18:58

My dh is the same age and he’s the opposite. Highly irritating always wanting to go out.

mumpants · 11/04/2022 19:15

My mum and aunty and uncle are in their 60s and are often or seeing bands. They have a great social life. He should go because it's important to you.

LuckySantangelo35 · 11/04/2022 19:16

@mumpants

My mum and aunty and uncle are in their 60s and are often or seeing bands. They have a great social life. He should go because it's important to you.
Exactly!

OP has plenty of nights in with him which he likes he should have a night out with her which she will like (and which he will probably like too once he’s there)

rookiemere · 11/04/2022 19:35

People in their early 60s may be retired, those of us in our 50s are mostly still working.

I expect I'll be a jollier soul once I no longer have to log in for 8+ hours per day on the computer and commute to the office a couple of days a week.

rookiemere · 11/04/2022 19:36

@Stressedout65 will he do other things like go on holidays, days out or to the cinema or theatre?

maybloss2 · 11/04/2022 20:52

Hi, I’ve got a partner who cries off socialising ‘out’ at almost every opportunity. There aren’t that many, as a) we don’t know that many people locally& b) people we do know are quite covid wary.
It frustrates me as he can actually be great social company. I find it hard to go in my own as I’m quite deaf. I’ve begun to think he finds me a drag when we’re out with other people. I’d understand this if we went out a lot, but we don’t. Im currently trying to build my own little circle, so I feel ok with them helping me out (with the hearing )without him there. I used to be very self sufficient, so am finding it all very hard. But I still think that’s what the social partner has to do. I wouldn’t want to make someone do something they really didn’t enjoy when it’s supposed to be a recreational activity. We have simple things we do together that we both enjoy.

Blossomtoes · 11/04/2022 20:56

Unfortunately men seem to age much earlier than women. You have my sympathy @Stressedout65. My life would be a lot more fun if I was single.

TheWitchOfShields · 11/04/2022 21:24

I'm 36 and quite happily stay home in my PJs and a nice cuppa 🤣

Like another poster has said though, once I'm ready and out I usually feel okay and enjoy myself, it's the getting ready that I cba with

5128gap · 11/04/2022 22:03

@TheWitchOfShields

I'm 36 and quite happily stay home in my PJs and a nice cuppa 🤣

Like another poster has said though, once I'm ready and out I usually feel okay and enjoy myself, it's the getting ready that I cba with

For the typical man though, doesn't that just involve putting his shoes on?
NoKnickerElastic · 11/04/2022 22:25

I think it depends entirely on what you both want from the rest of your lives. My husband is a decade older than me, we're late 40s and late 50s. Our relationship has always been based on making the most out of life, festivals, holidays, fun. Our slowing down seems in sync at the moment and frankly I'd be disappointed if he suddenly didn't want to join me in our usual activities

Crikeyalmighty · 11/04/2022 22:26

Blimey , and here’s me thinking our social life was a bit dull!!

NannaKaren · 11/04/2022 22:32

IF it’s a case of if you were to go to something he likes - then he should go out with you to see a band etc that you like occasionally.
It may be he’s over going anywhere so go with a friend - that’s what I do!

lisaandalan · 11/04/2022 22:33

I'm the same I'm afraid, go with a friend. X

Wafflesnsniffles · 11/04/2022 22:48

Im all for evenings in, slippers and cocoa but even Id like a night out every now and again. Even if its just once a month. Actually atm twice a year would be an improvement.

YANBU op. For all the people saying here they prefer to be at home in the evenings............ surely you dont mean EVERY evening forevermore?

Roxy69 · 11/04/2022 23:36

This can't have happened overnight, he has a right to do what he wants same as you. If you force him to go out he will resent it and things could take a turn for the worse. Go out with friends or on your own if socializing at night is so important to you. Just accept that people have different motivations.

Original poster
Stressedout65 · 12/04/2022 03:32

@Roxy69 no one is forcing anyone to do anything. I've updated twice to say it's sorted out.
I do have nights out with my friends still, but would also like to go out with my dh every now & again, & not just for a meal and then home by about 9. I don't think going to a concert that will finish about 1030 occasionally is too much to ask. We always sit these days as I have no desire to stand for 3 hours in an arena, anymore than he does.
We've had a good chat about it & he remembers that he has enjoyed concerts & stuff once he's there & he needs a slight tap up the rear end every now & again to stop him turning into a couch potato.

By the same token there is a big change he would like me to make an effort with, but I never do because I love my food too much! He would at least like me to make an effort to try & lose some weight so that we have an active & healthy retirement together. I'm so overweight I don't feel like going to some of the hot places abroad we would both like to go to as I'm too self conscious to bare any flesh. There are other outdoorsy things that we'd both like to do but don't anymore as I'm too heavy. That's not fair on him.
Anyway, I'm rambling too much now, we both agree we both need a kick up the backside every now & again so we can do activities together which we both enjoy. I don't want to spend all of my nights out with friends, leaving him at home. You can easily grow apart doing that.
We had a weekend away to see this particular band a few years ago & we had a really nice time. It takes a bit more effort & a push to summon up the energy to go when you're older. Once he's out he finds he does actually enjoy himself!

OP posts:
shinynewapple22 · 12/04/2022 10:27

@rookiemere

People in their early 60s may be retired, those of us in our 50s are mostly still working.

I expect I'll be a jollier soul once I no longer have to log in for 8+ hours per day on the computer and commute to the office a couple of days a week.

I was thinking that reading t eh is thread @rookiemere - wondering if the reason that the older people mentioned with all the energy were that way because they no longer had to work. And also wondering if the 40 year olds who like to stay in every evening are completely knackered with working full time and a young family.

My DH (60) is now retired and I work part time from home. DC now left home and of the elderly family members I used to look after, there is only DM left and she lives in a care home. We have a LOT more energy for doing fun activities or going out in the evening than we would have done 5 years ago.

shinynewapple22 · 12/04/2022 10:32

I think you'll both be fine @Stressedout65 you are both communicating and have admitted that there are compromises you both need to make for each other . Good luck Smile

CoastalWave · 12/04/2022 10:46

Me too and I'm a good 15 years younger than him! Can't think of anything bloody worse. Also hate going out to clubs/bars/out for a drink etc. Just awful.

Just accept you have different interests. It's perfectly ok to go and see a band with your friends not your husband

Kennykenkencat · 12/04/2022 11:17

@rookiemere

People in their early 60s may be retired, those of us in our 50s are mostly still working.

I expect I'll be a jollier soul once I no longer have to log in for 8+ hours per day on the computer and commute to the office a couple of days a week.

The ones we know who retired early (45 to early 60s) seemed to go down hill very quickly and instead of seizing on the fact that they could do anything as they didn’t have work in the morning seemed to spend their time in the house and going to bed at 7.30pm and not really doing a great deal. One couple who retired in their 40s who we lost touch with because they no longer wanted to go out for a drink or dinner as it was past their bedtime I saw from my car whilst waiting at some traffic lights a few years ago. I had to do a double take as my friend who was the same age as me was in a wheelchair being pushed by her Dh. They both looked like they could have been my grandparents. Tbh neither looked long for this world. I heard through friends who they had met in the street that they were going into a retirement place. They were barely in their 50s One of our friends retired from his business and had many plans for his retirement. He admits that he had watched as another mutual friend and his wife who had retired early took the path of doing nothing except watching tv and taking naps. When he caught himself doing the same thing and feeling comfortable with it he said part of his brain went into panic mode and he was out of retirement and setting up a new business by the end of the day. I don’t want to ever retire. It looks frighteningly like waiting for death. It’s probably why I go out as much as I do. Even just to do paperwork in my van.
puffyisgood · 12/04/2022 11:39

Just a small observation but IMO couples doing things apart rather than always together can get more rather than less important as time goes by.

e.g. my mother was widowed a few years ago [in hear early-mid 60s] and she [strangely, to my eyes but there you go] seemed to after that start to see those of her friends who she'd only ever socialised with as part of a couple less, rather than more. it was the single ones & the ones who'd always been more independent who she relied on more.

Itstheprinciple · 12/04/2022 12:21

@ImplementingTheDennisSystem

"Our nights out together will be a nice meal then come straight home cos we're too full to stay out longer."

Us too and I'm 38! Grin

And us at 40! Meal, bottle of wine, bed. My idea of a perfect evening.
DarkSkyBrightStars · 12/04/2022 13:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LuckySantangelo35 · 12/04/2022 16:46

@DarkSkyBrightStars

I'm 53 and I would much rather stay at home and watch telly than go anywhere.
@DarkSkyBrightStars You’d rather sit at home and watch telly than go anywhere? Really? Anywhere?
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