To be so upset - ‘incident’ at nursery

[Redskiesatnight]

DD is 2, nearly 3. Today when collecting her at nursery I was told she had been violent to another child. Child 1 was lying down on the floor, DD and child 2 went over and tried to hold them down so they couldn’t get up. When they tried to get up, DD and child 2 started hitting them until nursery staff intervened.

I’m absolutely devastated, we have never had a bad report about her before. I was only saying this morning how kind she is - she says ‘sorry’ if she accidentally steps on your foot, pretends to feed her cuddly toys snacks etc. She’s never been violent at home. I suppose if she had hit another child in self defence or because they had snatched a toy I could understand why it happened, but it seems like she thought it was all a big joke

I’ve requested to watch the footage next week, we told her off when we got home and reiterated that hitting is naughty and unkind. For the rest of the evening she’s been really upset saying ‘I hit another child’ and crying.

I guess I’m just looking for reassurance that my daughter isn’t a future bully and I haven’t failed as a mother. I can’t stop crying and I don’t really know why, I’m just shocked I think. Any wisdom gratefully received

She's 2 - it says absolutely nothing about her personality or character, nor does it condemn her to a future as a bully. She doesn't have the brain function yet to control antisocial impulses and she's only at the very beginning of a long process of learning that other people exist, as she does, and can be hurt, as she can.

This is a learning experience for her, and it's right to explain to her that she's hurt the other child and that the behaviour isn't acceptable. I would say it's overkill to still be going on about it hours later at home, and if she's crying about it now then you need to lay off.

Nursery shouldn't be encouraging all this hyperbole either. I would expect them to have a better grasp of child development basics than that! Asking to watch the footage is pointless; it won't tell you anything you don't already know.

Woah! It's OK, calm down! She's young and it's not happened before. She's been reprimanded and you and the staff will be quick to reiterate not to hit if there's any chance it happens again. She's learning and being supervised, these things happen, it's not your fault.

My DS gets bitten about once a week at nursery. 2 year olds do this kind of thing. I doubt many of the biters will be biting people when they're 20. Some maybe, not all.

Total overreaction on your part and you need to be very careful how you deal with this, so far your reaction has been disproportionate and potentially harmful to your daughter.

I wouldn't worry too much. I have been told about my child biting another at nursery before, and probably a couple of other things, but I can't remember. I do remember she was also 'strangled' by another child, twice. Which was quite upsetting, mainly because I am unsure where the other child would have seen this.

I wouldn't say anything else to your daughter about it now though. She is also young and they do get caught up with one another- school is actually worse.

The fact you care so much proves that this is unusual!

Your child is 2, it’s a huge over reaction to label her as a potential future bully and worry you’ve failed. Give yourself some perspective on it, 2 years old! And it’s the first incident. If she’s not violent at home you no you are off to a good start, just carry on as you are, how does she behave at places like soft play? I’d watch her closely when actually with other kids so that you don’t miss any opportunities to correct any violent behaviour. Reassure her that it’s ok, she’s too young to have a drawn out telling off anyway so move on from it now and don’t mention this incident again. Give yourself a break OP, the fact that you care so much about her being kind shows she will most likely turn out fine.

I'm an early years teacher who worked for 6 years in a preschool, by the way. I've seen hundreds and hundreds of child-on-child atrocities and at this age it really does tell you absolutely nothing other than that the child is very young and not socialised yet.

She’s 2.

Honestly she will be fine as an adult and older child.

She’s only wee.

Surely the fact that she is upset about having hit another child shows that she has learned from the experience rather than the fact that she did it at all suggesting that she will develop into a bully.

Is it commonplace now for nurseries to have CCTV?

Sounds to me like the other child put her up to it. And the nursery staff shoukd have been more vigilant so it didnt get to the stage of a chikd being held down and attacked. I would be considering moving her to a different nursery.

Honestly she’s tiny - she won’t be sitting on her colleagues as an adult!

@watcherintherye

Is it commonplace now for nurseries to have CCTV?

Yes, it saves the staff being accused of anything.

One thing i would say is i don't think there’s any need for you to reiterate at home. The staff had dealt with it and small children have such a warped perspective of time a telling off is likely to be meaningless hours later.

One of mine routinely pushed other children until she moved rooms at nursery so from toddler room to pre-school. Apparently she tried to push a big kid in the pre-school room and they pushed her back and she never did it again. Sometimes it’s all about them finding their place in the world.

Nursery will keep an eye on things and I really wouldn’t worry,

Oh man, it must have been so hard to hear that. Things is shes only 2. It means nothing. I really wouldn’t mention it again and I’m not really sure what watching the footage will achieve, other than further self flagellation

She's 2. Honestly, at that age I bit the dog on the nose and tried trimming his eyelashes (plans were thwarted by my horrified mum). Funnily enough, I don't behave the same way at 30.

You shouldn’t have told her off when you got home , the nursery staff would surely have already told them that it was not acceptable behaviour all you’ve done is upset her . When our eldest was about 18 months he bit another child quite badly - he’d never bitten before and he never but anyone again , these things happen just move on and stop worrying unless it happens repeatedly .

I don’t think you should have told her off at home. It was too long after the incidence and she wouldn’t associate it with that behaviour.

She’s two. Children can be mean to each other. It’s a way of growing up and learning. As a one off or rare incident, I’d be apologetic and look to preempt any future occurrences but leave nursery to deal with it at the time.

My son was a biter around 2/3. Embarrassment and apologies to other parents of children he bit (only 2 others but he bit his little brother a few times!!) He grew out of it soon enough

You're totally overreacting!
Also really crappy that you told her off so harshly at home - she's 2, not 12

Have a cup of tea and calm down. Your two year old acted in a way that all two year olds act on occasion. Why are you asking to see video footage? What do you think that will prove? I’m surprised that the nursery are even allowed to show you this considering that it involves another child.

@TheSnowyOwl

I don’t think you should have told her off at home. It was too long after the incidence and she wouldn’t associate it with that behaviour.

She’s two. Children can be mean to each other. It’s a way of growing up and learning. As a one off or rare incident, I’d be apologetic and look to preempt any future occurrences but leave nursery to deal with it at the time.

I don’t think you should have told her off at home. It was too long after the incidence and she wouldn’t associate it with that behaviour.

She's nearly 3 and the OP will know her own child. They're all different.

I’m saying this as a mother of a 9yo who at that age once threatened to set his nursery teacher on fire but is now the politest, shyest little boy you’ll ever meet.

@GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat

Total overreaction on your part and you need to be very careful how you deal with this, so far your reaction has been disproportionate and potentially harmful to your daughter.

This!!

I'd be much more concerned that she's still crying and upset after your "chat" saying that she hit another child. That really worries me.

You have to be extremely careful that she hasn't picked up your high level of shock, your feeling of wrongdoing and this results in her feeling that she's a bad person.

She will undoubtedly get things wrong as she grows but you have to keep your feelings under control and not dramatise anything.
You have to teach her that making mistakes and getting things wrong is part of life. Intent behind the action is important and learning from mistakes is vital.

Help her to make amends by making a card or picking a sweet or something small that she can give to the child to apologise. Praise her for this and make it a positive.
Tell her how proud you are that she has admitted to doing something wrong, how happy you are that she told you and to never be afraid to tell you anything and you're proud that she's prepared to fix it, then leave it and move on.

Don't pick the scab, let it go and give loads of positive reinforcement otherwise she's going to end up much more traumatised than the child that was held down.

@crosbystillsandmash

You're totally overreacting! Also really crappy that you told her off so harshly at home - she's 2, not 12

I agree, I fucked up I panicked and I think I’ve upset her. I’ve definitely learned my lesson there. It’s been a stressful week. When she brings it up I just say ‘don’t worry, give me a cuddle’. But I feel awful.