To be so upset - ‘incident’ at nursery

[Redskiesatnight]

DD is 2, nearly 3. Today when collecting her at nursery I was told she had been violent to another child. Child 1 was lying down on the floor, DD and child 2 went over and tried to hold them down so they couldn’t get up. When they tried to get up, DD and child 2 started hitting them until nursery staff intervened.

I’m absolutely devastated, we have never had a bad report about her before. I was only saying this morning how kind she is - she says ‘sorry’ if she accidentally steps on your foot, pretends to feed her cuddly toys snacks etc. She’s never been violent at home. I suppose if she had hit another child in self defence or because they had snatched a toy I could understand why it happened, but it seems like she thought it was all a big joke

I’ve requested to watch the footage next week, we told her off when we got home and reiterated that hitting is naughty and unkind. For the rest of the evening she’s been really upset saying ‘I hit another child’ and crying.

I guess I’m just looking for reassurance that my daughter isn’t a future bully and I haven’t failed as a mother. I can’t stop crying and I don’t really know why, I’m just shocked I think. Any wisdom gratefully received

Awww please don’t be upset
Give baby girl a big hug and reassure her. Tbh its not a big deal she won’t turn into a monster.
It’s the weekend I’d personally move on and not mention it to dd it seems as from her reaction she feels terrible. Big hugs.

Dear OP,
Find a bit of David Attenborough on YouTube and look at how small gorillas and chimps interact. Your smallie has a bigger brain but isn't much different. There's no harm in her, she's learning how to interact. She's being observed and it will be ok.
I'd not say any more about it.

My 3 year old bit his assistant in nursery and they all made an awful fuss about it which led to me being really shocked and making a fuss about it too like you OP.

Looking back now he was fucking 3 years old, how did they let him get into a state where he felt he had to bite, he'd never bitten before and hasn't since.

These things happen, it doesn't mean your child is a different child from the lovely gentle child you know and love. It just means she's 2.

Is no one else shocked by the fact that two children held another down before hitting them?

Op I don’t think this is anything to do with you and I don’t think it’s any reflection on your dd or your parenting.
Small children don’t understand actions and consequences.
Which is why in my opinion caregivers should always be close to hand. The minute two children are holding down another why weren’t the caregivers involved?
This is what concerns me.
If my child was any of these in this situation, I feel as though my question would be, why wasn’t intervention sooner.
Also why cctv? Are they using cctv as an assurance instead of quality supervision?
I feel like your concerns should be more directed to nursery.

I think you are completely overreacting, this is a 2 year old!! You can't stop crying? Have you got other things going on or something? I'd of said "that wasn't very kind, we don't do that" and forgotten about it. Some kids go round biting at that age, it doesn't mean they are going to grow up to be monsters, they just need to learn right from wrong.

@Agreeeeed

Is no one else shocked by the fact that two children held another down before hitting them?

Op I don’t think this is anything to do with you and I don’t think it’s any reflection on your dd or your parenting.
Small children don’t understand actions and consequences.
Which is why in my opinion caregivers should always be close to hand. The minute two children are holding down another why weren’t the caregivers involved?
This is what concerns me.
If my child was any of these in this situation, I feel as though my question would be, why wasn’t intervention sooner.
Also why cctv? Are they using cctv as an assurance instead of quality supervision?
I feel like your concerns should be more directed to nursery.

Yes where were the staff. Where did the kids even get this idea in the first place

Oh and order 'hands are not for hitting' OP

I think you were right to tell her off at home. As described, there was a nasty and scheming element to the incident which does go beyond normal naughtiness and your DD is old enough to understand it's wrong. Although I struggle with the description of what happened. Do 2 year old really go together planning to stop another child getting up and then start hitting them? It sounds like the bad behaviour of a much older child and wonder if you have been given the correct information about what actually happened?

My nephew bit so often at nursery he was known as “Jaws”. My sister is the gentlest of people and was so embarrassed by his behaviour. He’s in his 20’s now and a lovely, kind young man. It will all be fine.

She's 2.

Sometimes they just do things that make no sense whatsover. It's right to sit down and explain to her that she shouldn't do that but it does sound like OP massively overreacted if the kid is still fretting about being told off hours later.

Far from clueless. And had tons of friends with children that never did this.

@Sunnytwobridges how on earth would you know that they never did this or similar? And what does it even prove if they didn't, given how many people have already responded on this thread to say that their child did?

Oh OP, it will be fine. She's only two. My own DS snuck up on me and bit me sharply on the arse at a similar age and he doesn't go around biting people now. I don't think you've done anything awful either by bringing it up at home, but I'd move on from it now.

My sweet natured 2 1/2 year old DD once bit a child at a soft play ball pit as I turned my back for 10 seconds to go and sit down to watch her.

She then went on to bite a child family member who got in her way a few months later!

She is now a very wise and well tempered 23 year old!

We all have violent tendencies. An essential part of growing up is learning we have to suppress these tendencies, so that we can be accepted into society. Lesson learned, by the sound of it.

Totally OTT. She’s 2!

The nursery staff sound incompetent. They shouldn't be labelling any child's behaviour as "nasty" ... That's their interpretation and one of the main focuses in child development is to look at the facts because we can't put adult understanding on a child's actions. The staff shouldn't have let it get to where it did. I'd be asking about their supervision for sure... And their response... Etc. It's not up to you to respond to something that happened at nursery.

Without knowing what came before, we can't have an opinion.

@ludocris

Far from clueless. And had tons of friends with children that never did this.

@Sunnytwobridges how on earth would you know that they never did this or similar? And what does it even prove if they didn't, given how many people have already responded on this thread to say that their child did?

Cause they are my friends and we all discussed our children obviously 🙄

And therefore you have a full encyclopaedic knowledge of everything their children ever did...@Sunnytwobridges

@ludocris

And therefore you have a full encyclopaedic knowledge of everything their children ever did...**@Sunnytwobridges**

Yes I do

@Viviennemary

Sounds to me like the other child put her up to it. And the nursery staff shoukd have been more vigilant so it didnt get to the stage of a chikd being held down and attacked. I would be considering moving her to a different nursery.

Why is this always the answer? Why can't it ever be OPs child in the wrong? Nursery shouldn't be showing OP the footage anyway as it involves other children.

My grand daughter hit another child with a toy frying pan in the home corner at nursery, because 'she wouldn't do as she was told' her mother was mortified as she had never been smacked at home, she was nearly 4 at the time and was quite bossy. She is now 15 and not a psychopath.

@Huevosrotos

I think you were right to tell her off at home. As described, there was a nasty and scheming element to the incident which does go beyond normal naughtiness and your DD is old enough to understand it's wrong. Although I struggle with the description of what happened. Do 2 year old really go together planning to stop another child getting up and then start hitting them? It sounds like the bad behaviour of a much older child and wonder if you have been given the correct information about what actually happened?

As I keep saying this is what shocked/upset me. I guess I thought seeing the footage would help me figure out how it reached that point (in ‘toddler’ logic if you see what I mean). If she had just given another child a whack because they took a toy there would be more sense to it. It’s the nature of what happened that upset me. It seemed very unkind for a 2 year old rather than reactionary if you see what I mean.

Do 2 year old really go together planning to stop another child getting up and then start hitting them? It sounds like the bad behaviour of a much older child and wonder if you have been given the correct information about what actually happened?

Her speech is nowhere near good enough to say ‘hey, let’s go hold that child down and hit them if they try to get up’. I suppose she could have copied the other child, or they her. But it all sounds really strange for their age.

Just now she dropped a cardboard book box which caught my nose on the way down. She just said ‘sorry mummy’ and stroked it. Now she’s shouting for daddy because ‘mummy hurt face’

OP I've been having the same problem since DD started preschool and was in pieces the past few weeks. Reading this thread made me feel much, much better. She never hits or bites at home but started doing that every day. I can only presume that due to the pandemic she's not used to being in a room with so many children and gets overwhelmed too quickly. Even though the staff were kind about it, it made me feel like a huge failure and I felt exactly like you. Here are some things I did at home or realisations that I had regarding the whole situation:

• I've always been a people pleaser and was also shy and conforming as a child. Seeing my daughter cause issues is triggering because I know I can't control her behaviour and that makes it impossible for me to make everyone like me/us.

• Children only develop empathy around age 4 where they understand that hitting hurts someone else. 2-3 is the wild west so you can only tell them rules like "We don't hit".

• What worked well was promising a reward if she didn't hit anyone. If she requests anything during the week, I'll tell her we can do that if she plays nicely and doesn't hit anyone. If she managed a week of good behaviour then she'll get the reward with a positive reminder it's because she was well-behaved at nursery. These are not big things, but something like a bath bomb or one of those magazines that come with a toy.

• I didn't tell her off but do remind her throughout the day that hitting isn't ok. It's possible that she might have seen something in a children's video where "battling" was part of the storyline. If I happen to notice something like that in a book or cartoon then I tell her it's only fine for stories, and not ok in real like.

• I also put emphasis on the importance of friends. The idea being if she hits people then they won't want her being her friend. So I talk to her about her birthday party or attending other peoples parties and how much fun that will be if she does her best to make friends.

Everyone else including DH tells me to just laugh it off but it's still mortifying to do the pick-up from nursery every day not knowing what might have happened that day. However this thread makes me realised that all these kids turn out just fine in the end!

@CoffeeDay

OP I've been having the same problem since DD started preschool and was in pieces the past few weeks. Reading this thread made me feel much, much better. She never hits or bites at home but started doing that every day. I can only presume that due to the pandemic she's not used to being in a room with so many children and gets overwhelmed too quickly. Even though the staff were kind about it, it made me feel like a huge failure and I felt exactly like you. Here are some things I did at home or realisations that I had regarding the whole situation:

• I've always been a people pleaser and was also shy and conforming as a child. Seeing my daughter cause issues is triggering because I know I can't control her behaviour and that makes it impossible for me to make everyone like me/us.

• Children only develop empathy around age 4 where they understand that hitting hurts someone else. 2-3 is the wild west so you can only tell them rules like "We don't hit".

• What worked well was promising a reward if she didn't hit anyone. If she requests anything during the week, I'll tell her we can do that if she plays nicely and doesn't hit anyone. If she managed a week of good behaviour then she'll get the reward with a positive reminder it's because she was well-behaved at nursery. These are not big things, but something like a bath bomb or one of those magazines that come with a toy.

• I didn't tell her off but do remind her throughout the day that hitting isn't ok. It's possible that she might have seen something in a children's video where "battling" was part of the storyline. If I happen to notice something like that in a book or cartoon then I tell her it's only fine for stories, and not ok in real like.

• I also put emphasis on the importance of friends. The idea being if she hits people then they won't want her being her friend. So I talk to her about her birthday party or attending other peoples parties and how much fun that will be if she does her best to make friends.

Everyone else including DH tells me to just laugh it off but it's still mortifying to do the pick-up from nursery every day not knowing what might have happened that day. However this thread makes me realised that all these kids turn out just fine in the end!

I could literally have written your post about my DS. In the last few weeks in particular we've had more reports of pushing children/throwing toys than we've had of being good. But the last couple of days this week were much better. I don't know whether it's because we've spoken to him a lot about it, whether it's down to incentivisation (no iPad/treat if you're unkind today), or whether it's just been a phase. The short and long of it is, it does make you feel sad and worried when your child misbehaves. However, I think if they can have good days it indicates they're not fundamentally unable to control themselves, they just need constant guidance and boundaries until they learn these things for themselves.