Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so upset - ‘incident’ at nursery

195 replies

Redskiesatnight · 08/04/2022 20:01

DD is 2, nearly 3. Today when collecting her at nursery I was told she had been violent to another child. Child 1 was lying down on the floor, DD and child 2 went over and tried to hold them down so they couldn’t get up. When they tried to get up, DD and child 2 started hitting them until nursery staff intervened.

I’m absolutely devastated, we have never had a bad report about her before. I was only saying this morning how kind she is - she says ‘sorry’ if she accidentally steps on your foot, pretends to feed her cuddly toys snacks etc. She’s never been violent at home. I suppose if she had hit another child in self defence or because they had snatched a toy I could understand why it happened, but it seems like she thought it was all a big joke Sad

I’ve requested to watch the footage next week, we told her off when we got home and reiterated that hitting is naughty and unkind. For the rest of the evening she’s been really upset saying ‘I hit another child’ and crying.

I guess I’m just looking for reassurance that my daughter isn’t a future bully and I haven’t failed as a mother. I can’t stop crying and I don’t really know why, I’m just shocked I think. Any wisdom gratefully received Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Redskiesatnight · 09/04/2022 11:45

DD has never bitten anyone. She’s hit us maybe twice during epic tantrums and that was when she was 1, never since. My best guess knowing her as I do is that this was copying (not excusing her, still wrong, but she is a big copycat and likes to ‘join in’ with everything she sees), or that it was a moment of over tired madness.

I’ll be keeping a close eye on her playing with other kids and have asked the nursery to let me know if any hitting etc happens again.

But yes time to move on now I think and stop overanalysing it. Thank you everyone.

OP posts:
NuffSaidSam · 09/04/2022 11:47

that is not right, very easy to stop a puppy biting, why not a child

😂

It been quite easy to get the puppy to eat solid food from a bowl on the floor, sleep in a crate and shit in the garden...when I think about it, it's almost as if puppies and children are different Confused

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 09/04/2022 11:56

that is not right, very easy to stop a puppy biting, why not a child
yeah same with most children, they aren't usually taking chunks out of each other once they get past the toddler years

t it's not been so easy to stop the dog eating cat shit and rolling in fox poo which the kids never did

Anyone would thing children and animals are totally different Confused

Changechangychange · 09/04/2022 12:05

I never had a toddler who bit anyone, just not acceptable and anyone who thinks it is, needs to stop the passive parenting

DS was potty trained within 3 days, and dry overnight before his third birthday. If any of yours weren’t, you just needed to tell them to hold their wee until the morning. Surely any two year old can understand that?

And as for accidents during the day, how can you think weeing on the floor is in any way acceptable? Such passive parenting!

hidinginthekitchenwithwine · 09/04/2022 12:09

my eldest bit someone at a playgroup once. I was completely mortified and never returned.
She's now a beautifully behaved 20 something and so many people
tell me she's a. absolute credit to us, just a lovely lovely human. Biting/hitting/scratching etc when they're little is developmentally normal and they all grow out of it.

girlmom21 · 09/04/2022 12:10

I don't know why people are telling the OP she's wrong to have told her off at home. Of course she's jot. She's nearly 3. She's old enough to remember what happened a few hours earlier and the OP needs to reinforce how wrong that was.

Huevosrotos · 09/04/2022 22:21

You sound like a great mum OP. Your child did something wrong, you parented her and made it clear it was wrong. The real problem is when kids behave badly and parents minimise it!

People saying biting and hitting is normal - I don't agree. It's not normal. Relatively common to have a few biters and hitters in a nursery room, but it's not normal for most children. Persistent behaviour like that might not result in a hiting and biting adult but often you will find an aggressive side /selfishness is still there!

StScholastica · 09/04/2022 22:55

Shes only a baby. As they get older you sort of learn that there will be times when they let you down.
Nobody is perfect.

ludocris · 09/04/2022 22:56

@Huevosrotos

You sound like a great mum OP. Your child did something wrong, you parented her and made it clear it was wrong. The real problem is when kids behave badly and parents minimise it!

People saying biting and hitting is normal - I don't agree. It's not normal. Relatively common to have a few biters and hitters in a nursery room, but it's not normal for most children. Persistent behaviour like that might not result in a hiting and biting adult but often you will find an aggressive side /selfishness is still there!

Sorry, what are you basing that on? Your last sentence?
NuffSaidSam · 09/04/2022 23:15

@Huevosrotos

You sound like a great mum OP. Your child did something wrong, you parented her and made it clear it was wrong. The real problem is when kids behave badly and parents minimise it!

People saying biting and hitting is normal - I don't agree. It's not normal. Relatively common to have a few biters and hitters in a nursery room, but it's not normal for most children. Persistent behaviour like that might not result in a hiting and biting adult but often you will find an aggressive side /selfishness is still there!

This is just simply not true.

There is huge amounts of research into child development and lots of books that explain that research in a palatable way. Why not do some reading? It will be beneficial to your and your children and mean your posts here will be more accurate and subsequently actually helpful.

Changechangychange · 09/04/2022 23:16

Persistent behaviour like that might not result in a hiting and biting adult but often you will find an aggressive side /selfishness is still there!

Complete rubbish, biting is usually a defensive response to other children encroaching on them (intentionally or otherwise).

Huevosrotos · 09/04/2022 23:47

Parents of biters and hitters getting defensive?

It's within the range of "normal" because some people are like that. Unprovoked hitting and biting which happens regularly is of course a hint of negative character traits. Or do people just develop hostile traits as adults. Of course not. Persistent aggressive behaviour as a child is not completely divorced from their character.

NuffSaidSam · 09/04/2022 23:54

@Huevosrotos

Parents of biters and hitters getting defensive?

It's within the range of "normal" because some people are like that. Unprovoked hitting and biting which happens regularly is of course a hint of negative character traits. Or do people just develop hostile traits as adults. Of course not. Persistent aggressive behaviour as a child is not completely divorced from their character.

It's just not true.

Read a book about child development, understand how it works, then your contributions will make sense!

I absolutely agree that persistent aggressive behaviour in an older child (beyond the age where it is developmentally normal) is indicative of a wider problem. But that isn't the case with a 2/3/4 year old, where it is not developmentally unusual because they haven't yet developed self-control or empathy amongst other things.

In the same way, a 10 year old regularly wetting themselves would be a concern. A 2 year old doing it would not.

Huevosrotos · 10/04/2022 00:22

Most children do not persistently hit and bite or show other forms of aggression. There are some who do, and there is a definitely a link between that and future behaviour. Some kids do this without being provoked in any way. That kind of behaviour is a character trait - yes, they might not be physically violent adults but other hostile traits will be there. Lots of people are like this! Take a look at , for example, aggressive driving behaviour . Some people are naturally inclined to be hostile to others and it's sometimes clear from a very early age. Or shall we pretend hostility just appears from nowhere in older kids?

It's not "normal" for toddlers to hit and bite regularly. Normal that there are always a few though!

underneaththeash · 10/04/2022 00:25

OP you'll meet lots of different people over the course of her childhood. Your child behaved very badly and your told her off.

You'll also meet other parents who don't parent properly as they do gentle/attachment progressive/crappy parenting.

Luckily they're quite vocal about it and you can avoid them and tell your child to do the same.

She's quite little and she's do something naughty again and you pick her up and tell her off. If you're there you make a fuss of the other child first and then tell her off.

Newhousesad · 10/04/2022 03:12

Hugs OP Flowers she is just a baby still

AffIt · 10/04/2022 03:29

Your child is two. She has roughly the cognisance of a Cocker spaniel.

For what it's worth, I have a small scar on my upper arm from when my then three-year-old cousin bit two-and-a-half-year-old me. He is now a senior oncology consultant and, to the best of my knowledge, doesn't bite people.

Furthermore, I got a stern talking-to after getting caught stealing some pick n' mix in our local Woolworths when I was 13. I am now, at the age of 42, an IT director for a global consultancy and never morphed into an arch criminal.

NuffSaidSam · 10/04/2022 09:25

@Huevosrotos

Most children do not persistently hit and bite or show other forms of aggression. There are some who do, and there is a definitely a link between that and future behaviour. Some kids do this without being provoked in any way. That kind of behaviour is a character trait - yes, they might not be physically violent adults but other hostile traits will be there. Lots of people are like this! Take a look at , for example, aggressive driving behaviour . Some people are naturally inclined to be hostile to others and it's sometimes clear from a very early age. Or shall we pretend hostility just appears from nowhere in older kids?

It's not "normal" for toddlers to hit and bite regularly. Normal that there are always a few though!

You can say it as many times as you like, it's not going to become true!

I really would advise you to read up on child development.

Also, note that we're not talking about 'persistently' attacking other children. We're talking about toddlers occasionally lashing out. I agree if the behaviour persists into older childhood, where it is no longer developmentally normal, then there may be cause for concern. A toddler/pre-schooler doing it is normal and not indicative of a violent personality or future problematic behaviour.

JanieRo · 10/04/2022 09:27

Christ, she’s 2! Stop over reacting. She’s practically a baby!

Original poster
Redskiesatnight · 10/04/2022 13:30

Thanks, I’m really grateful for all comments - nothing like the wisdom of more experienced mums! Time for a Wine in the sun I think!

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread