To be so upset - ‘incident’ at nursery

[Redskiesatnight]

DD is 2, nearly 3. Today when collecting her at nursery I was told she had been violent to another child. Child 1 was lying down on the floor, DD and child 2 went over and tried to hold them down so they couldn’t get up. When they tried to get up, DD and child 2 started hitting them until nursery staff intervened.

I’m absolutely devastated, we have never had a bad report about her before. I was only saying this morning how kind she is - she says ‘sorry’ if she accidentally steps on your foot, pretends to feed her cuddly toys snacks etc. She’s never been violent at home. I suppose if she had hit another child in self defence or because they had snatched a toy I could understand why it happened, but it seems like she thought it was all a big joke

I’ve requested to watch the footage next week, we told her off when we got home and reiterated that hitting is naughty and unkind. For the rest of the evening she’s been really upset saying ‘I hit another child’ and crying.

I guess I’m just looking for reassurance that my daughter isn’t a future bully and I haven’t failed as a mother. I can’t stop crying and I don’t really know why, I’m just shocked I think. Any wisdom gratefully received

Don't feel too bad about telling her off. No one parents perfectly all the time, and it's understandable you'd have a strong reaction to it! Tomorrow is another day

@Redskiesatnight

The nursery did say she’s become more ‘confident’ recently and that as a consequence she’s become quite boisterous in her play. But they said this incident was particularly ‘nasty’ which was really upsetting.

That makes your reaction very understandable. The nursery used inappropriate language for a two year old’s behaviour. She’s not nasty. She’s two.

Actually I think a quiet discussion would be totally pointless - she's far too young to understand the impact her actions will have on others. A firm telling off (which should have happened at nursery) would be far more effective. A two year old will understand "I'd better not do that or miss/mummy will be cross with me" far better than "I'd better not do that because it will make Jane feel upset and might hurt her". They are totally egocentric at that age.

@HollowedOut

I’m saying this as a mother of a 9yo who at that age once threatened to set his nursery teacher on fire but is now the politest, shyest little boy you’ll ever meet.

hahahahahahahahahaha this cracked me up.

@Feckaffoutofit

I think for 2 year olds the nursery staff should be making sure situations like this don't develop too far. They are looking after a bunch of toddlers. They are responsible for the behaviour of the toddlers whilst they are in their care. They should not be allowing 2 toddlers to hold down another child and hit them repeatedly.

I work in a nursery, these things can happen very quickly. Boisterous play can suddenly cross the line and you have to step in.

The nursery didnt say she was nasty, they said the incident was nasty.

DD2 at this age bit another child on the arm. Mortifying. Now a delightful 13 year old and would no more bite someone than I would!

OP the fact she is upset shows that she is not a bad child, she just did something bad. She is experimenting and testing the boundaries, and it will probably be an isolated incident. Remember it's also near the end of 'term', even though little ones don't always get that concept, and a Friday - kids tend to go a bit crazy when they're tired. The nursery will keep an eye on her behaviour, and that of the other kids, and if they flag up any problems you can nip it in the bud straight away. I really doubt she will be the school bully based on something she does as a toddler.

Hi op, I am a nursery worker, and I work with children of your dd's age in the toddler room. I have had to deliver messages like this to parents more times than I've had hot meals.

Please, please don't be upset, your dd is only 2 and is still learning. She will not have known at the time that she was being "unkind". She knows now and that's how little ones learn these things.

I promise she's not a future bully, she's still your sweet, kind dd.

I think it's strange that people don't think a 2 year old can't understand the difference between right and wrong

There’s a reason the age of criminal responsibility isn’t two

I did a therapeutic parenting course laid on by social services as my son is adopted. All very gentle parenting, enforcing the positive etc. And they said the earliest to even start introducing it was about age three, as before that they just aren’t mature enough to recognise any discipline past just saying ‘no’ or ‘we don’t do that.’ They need to develop a sense of consequence before you start introducing any reasonableness into their discipline tactics

Developmentally, she’s not really capable of either kindness or cruelty. She’s not yet capable of “perspective taking” or empathy. Her saying sorry is jst saying sorry. She has learned that this is required in such contexts. It is highly unlikely she actually feels sorrow because she is experiencing affective empathy.

This is to say - hitting at this age is typical behaviour and not indicative of character.

@Viviennemary

Sounds to me like the other child put her up to it. And the nursery staff shoukd have been more vigilant so it didnt get to the stage of a chikd being held down and attacked. I would be considering moving her to a different nursery.

How do you come to the conclusion that the other child put her u[p to it? Nothing indicates that at all!

@GlazedDoughnuts

Hi op, I am a nursery worker, and I work with children of your dd's age in the toddler room. I have had to deliver messages like this to parents more times than I've had hot meals.

Please, please don't be upset, your dd is only 2 and is still learning. She will not have known at the time that she was being "unkind". She knows now and that's how little ones learn these things.

I promise she's not a future bully, she's still your sweet, kind dd.

Thank you ❤️

It's really hard hearing your child has done something bad and in adult eyes what has been described sounds very scary, but in two-year-old-land I really don't think this is all that uncommon. Your daughter sounds really remorseful about what has happened which is the main thing. I would just be careful as others have said about dragging this on or any future incidents on because that could be more of an issue then what's happened!

Be comforted that your daughter has clearly taken on that she did something wrong and try and just move forward.

Is it really going to help seeing the cctv? You can't exactly bring it up again with your daughter.

Honestly, it's ok. My daughter was very badly bitten at nursery by a little boy who has turned into a really lovely, gentle and well-behaved 9 year old. It's no reflection of her character; they are just learning the rules of how to behave and communicate and resolve differences and at that age they don't always get it right. It's tremendously normal and I am sure your little one will be fine.

My son but another child at nursery when he was just turned 3. He got a big row after pick him up (yes, I raised my voice and he knew I was angry-I think children need to know that the consequences of poor behaviour isn’t lovely Mummy and delightful conversation - but I know that’s not popular opinion on MN!). Line drawn under it and moved on immediately. But he understood right from wrong at that age and knew he’d made a bad choice. Never did it again. Now a lovely (shy!) 9 year old with lots of friends. Hopefully you’ve nipped it in the bud and DD won’t do it again. Probably worth keeping an eye on for the next few months though.

What about trying to arrange some play dates with other children with you present? That way you can see and correct any issues as they are happening (always tricky at that age trying to talk to them about something that happened hours ago!).

She is 2. My DS used to be a terror for poking other children in the eye. A couple of his friends were biters.

There was no intent there.

I’m an early years practitioner please don’t feel bad, I’ve spoken to quite a few parents about incidents like this, children of that age are learning through play and unfortunately don’t know their own strength or the boundaries that are in life.

It’s a learning curve that your little one is still learning, this could be an isolated incident.

Being kind is a lesson to learn.

Relax and remember your little one is only 2.

I’ve been told from a 4 year old that they are going to bomb the nursery and hope I die and the next minute they are cuddling me. It’s all about learning boundaries and controlling emotions.

I just wanted to add - don't switch from being too hard on her to being too hard on yourself! You're learning as well. I didn't have a clue what children were like at each stage until I had them, and of course it's a shock when your sweet little toddler does something like this.

I do think you need to chill a bit, and not chastise her at home for something that happened at nursery - but you absolutely haven't harmed her, and you don't need to feel awful. She'll forget about it and move on - let yourself do the same

Calm down, FFS.

@EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall

"I had a 2 year old and she knew better"

No you didn't, you had a 2 year old that never did anything like that. Doesn't mean they knew better or that it was a very intentional violent act

You sound very smug for someone so clueless

Far from clueless. And had tons of friends with children that never did this. So thank you for trying to school me . Plus you seem extra defensive I wonder why???? 😁

She’s two! Sounds more like her and another child got carried away and didn’t realise what they were doing to another child.

Children of that age can grasp the concept of no hitting and the basics of why they shouldn’t but they’ve not yet really grasped how others feel. They were probably carried away playing. Children do this (I’ve worked in childcare for years).

If the nursery were witnessing this why weren’t they stopping it? And if they didn’t witness, why on earth did they miss three children hurting each other if it was so violent?

It does not sound like they have dealt with it very well or explained it using appropriate language for their age.

Your child is not a future bully she’s two and got carried away, sounds like supervision was lacking. She’s also clearly grasped it was wrong so give her a cuddle tomorrow and forget it for the weekend and deal with it on Monday.

Don't beat yourself up OP it's all one learning curve and if you're worrying about being a bad parent that means you're not a bad parent though. I would try to avoid the word naughty though - use words we would use with adults like hurtful, unkind etc. But ALWAYS use them attached to the action not the child.
Would really really recommend reading the Whole Brain Child which explains what is happening brain development wise at different ages and what behaviour to expect and how to deal with it really productively to help your kid become an emotionally intelligent and resilient adult

I’ve requested to watch the footage next week,

You do realise she’s not a serial killer right? She is 2 years old. It happens.

I disagree that it’s normal behaviour for almost 3 year olds to attack another child for no reason.
There will be a reason in their heads. It just won't be one that makes sense in adult logic.