To be so upset - ‘incident’ at nursery

[Redskiesatnight]

DD is 2, nearly 3. Today when collecting her at nursery I was told she had been violent to another child. Child 1 was lying down on the floor, DD and child 2 went over and tried to hold them down so they couldn’t get up. When they tried to get up, DD and child 2 started hitting them until nursery staff intervened.

I’m absolutely devastated, we have never had a bad report about her before. I was only saying this morning how kind she is - she says ‘sorry’ if she accidentally steps on your foot, pretends to feed her cuddly toys snacks etc. She’s never been violent at home. I suppose if she had hit another child in self defence or because they had snatched a toy I could understand why it happened, but it seems like she thought it was all a big joke

I’ve requested to watch the footage next week, we told her off when we got home and reiterated that hitting is naughty and unkind. For the rest of the evening she’s been really upset saying ‘I hit another child’ and crying.

I guess I’m just looking for reassurance that my daughter isn’t a future bully and I haven’t failed as a mother. I can’t stop crying and I don’t really know why, I’m just shocked I think. Any wisdom gratefully received

Aww she's only two, she just did what two year olds do sometimes. Mine all had their moments but they are all really lovely adults. It was dealt with at nursery, I wouldn't have mentioned it at home, try and chill a bit or it's going to feel a long hard road if what was a pretty minor incident in the grand scheme of things becomes such a major event.

@HollowedOut

Have a cup of tea and calm down. Your two year old acted in a way that all two year olds act on occasion. Why are you asking to see video footage? What do you think that will prove? I’m surprised that the nursery are even allowed to show you this considering that it involves another child.

I just can’t imagine her doing it, I was hoping it would provide some kind of context, or that I would be able to see how she reached that point. But you’re right, it’s probably futile and OTT

She's 2! She's hardly going to grow up to be a serial killer, 2 year olds do things like this, my DS went through a phase of biting his friends.

I’m shocked that you brought this up hours later at home, leaving her upset enough to cry. Massive overreaction and potentially damaging to your daughter who was exhibiting normal small-child behaviour of boundary seeking. Nursery will have dealt with it appropriately and were probably only giving you a heads-up so you could monitor further behaviour rather than making a huge deal out of one incident that so far seems to be a one off. Her self-blame language and your jump to “future bully” is really worrying.

No your child is not a bully
I think it’s good that you want to teach your child right from wrong- now you’ve told her off I would change the narrative to “we’re going to be really kind to everyone arent we, because you’re a kind person”- focus on the good and positive behaviour they are going to show going forward

Cross posted with several others and OP. I type slowly!

Well, now she feels bad about it, if she brings it up again why not ask if she can think of anything she could do to help the child feel better? Help her make a sorry card or something, so that she can feel she's made amends and hopefully not feel as bad about it.

I didn’t shout I just told her in a ‘stern’ voice that hitting is wrong and she had been naughty etc. Absolutely no raised voices. But I know now this was too much and I won’t be doing it again. I feel awful.

I work with this age group and honestly it’s nothing to worry about. It sounds horrendous because you’re attaching an adult perspective to a two year old child. At this age they were just playing, they don’t have the sophistication to understand that the other child might feel upset. I’ve had children pour water over each other’s head, sit on each other, whack each other or throw stuff at each other, out of frustration or curiosity. It’s all totally normal and part of the very early stages of socialisation - no sensible person would judge a child or parent for that. They just need a bit of age appropriate guidance.

A firm word from the nursery staff is all that was needed. Then we move on. I am far more concerned that she sounds quite confused and traumatised by her experience at home. Please leave it be now, she’s a normal two year old, this is what they do, they’re little more than babies and still very much learning. Don’t over react to her “mistakes” or her self esteem will suffer.

I think you need to calm down op.

You've explained it yourself - she thought it was a joke. Because she's 2 and like all two year olds she doesn't have the ability to put herself in someone else's place or truly understand the consequences of her behaviour. She thought it was funny. It isn't and she's been told that at nursery. That's sufficient. Leave it be.

Go and give her a hug, OP, and apologise for overreacting. Your response wasn’t appropriate.

Fwiw, my DD was always beautifully behaved at nursery and took pride in never having sat on the naughty bench, until one day she came home and confessed that she had had to sit there that day. So I asked what she’d done and she replied, very quietly, “strangling”. (She’s now 14 and absolutely lovely.)

At that age they don’t understand. A consequence immediately afterwards is appropriate. Hours later it’s not appropriate. Go and cheer her up and let her know that you’re sorry.

They have CCTV at the nursery? Wowsers.

Shes 2, it says nothing about how she will behave in the future

She's not going to be damaged by you bringing this up when she got home regardless of whether it was a good idea or not

Blaming the other 2 year old as a pp has done is also ridiculous. 2 year old do stupid things. One of mine was a biter, it was horrible for the short period of time it lasted but he's now 27 and hasn't bitten anyone for over 25 years

Also, when she brings it up, let her talk about it, talk it through with her. Don't just tell her 'don't worry, give me a cuddle'. That's not going to help her process what's happened.

Your shock is completely understandable, so go easy on yourself, but also on her - she’s only two.

@Redskiesatnight

I didn’t shout I just told her in a ‘stern’ voice that hitting is wrong and she had been naughty etc. Absolutely no raised voices. But I know now this was too much and I won’t be doing it again. I feel awful.

Can’t do right for doing wrong with other mums OP. You hardly beat her, you just reiterated it was wrong, if you’d ignored it and laughed it off people would label you that mother. You’re doing fine with your handling- now move on and all positive happy talk about nursery and her behaviour going forward

My son took scissors off the teachers desk and persuaded 3 others boys that they would really like to have a hair cut. He then cut all 3 boys hair with them taking turns to sit in her ‘wheelie’ chair and him cutting - he hasn’t turned out to be a mass criminal mastermind or a hairdresser and the teacher who called me in and started shouting at me got a form response - no my son should not be using her scissors, or sitting in her chair and she should not have left a class of 4/5 year old on their own for the length of time it took him to play hairdresser either.

Say firmly we don’t hit we don’t hurt others.

Cuddle her and leave it.

If she brings it up I hit x say yes you did and you’ve said sorry and you won’t do it again - it’s ok now

Its ok please dont go on at her let it go now she won't remember in a few days. I once saw a little boy at play group go round with the squeaky hammer hammering into the other toddlers foreheads with it like a little psycho until it was wrestled off him.
He is a lovely young teen who has just been raising money for charity. I have a chuckle to myself every time I see him.
It is a shock when they first do something like bite or hit but it's just one of those things. Get yourself a big drink or cuppa and breathe.

Draw a line under it, both with your child and yourself.
You have blown it out of proportion in your head, but you're human. We can all do that betimes, especially with something unexpected.

Dry your eyes now, have a cuppa and if your child mentions it again, say something like 'now that won't happen again' and then move on to doing something nice with her.

My DS2 was a terror at that age. I was stunned by his behaviour because his older brother was the gentlest of souls.

I was dreading him starting school because I imagined I'd be forever dragged in to discuss his behaviour. Never happened. 10 years on he's the gentlest of children and behaves impeccably.

Long story short: don't worry.

@Viviennemary

Sounds to me like the other child put her up to it. And the nursery staff shoukd have been more vigilant so it didnt get to the stage of a chikd being held down and attacked. I would be considering moving her to a different nursery.

Give over! And you’re basing this on what? Both of them sound like they participated equally. No leading astray. I must admit if I was the parent of the child who was attacked, I would probably be very upset, so be prepared for something else to come from this incident. But it will all blow over, and I wouldn’t get too upset over it OP. If it happens again, it might be different, but probably just a one off from children who don’t have any social niceties at that age.

Ah, it's not nice but these things happen with young kids. My DD got hit with a book in story corner by another child, but the day after they were happily playing together again! Nursery are experts at dealing with this kind of thing.

The "blame culture" in the UK with regards to children and their parents is disgusting. My cousin got reprimanded because her son bit someone even though at home he had never done it before as he wasn't around children- how could she possibly teach him not to do that without the context it's happening in??

I have a master's in teaching and learning, specialising in children under 5. Your daughter's behaviour was totally normal and not indicative of ANYTHING. Children need to be able to express themselves and learn freely. In American studies, children who have strict early childhoods would rebel at 15 because they never had the chance to experience normal behaviours and express their urges. Children who had an early childhood with opportunities to follow their urges and learn from them.

Your daughter didn't need to be told off at home. The best thing is to focus on the positives. Play with her, have fun with her. If you feel like you have to address it play a game with toys or read a book about being "gentle".
Children who hear things repeatedly from parents are far more likely to continue the behaviour- you are keeping it at the forefront of their mind and focusing on it.

In the grand scheme of things it didn't mean a thing OP :) Relax, your child is perfect. She is learning about her world and the people in it.

Fwiw, my DD was always beautifully behaved at nursery and took pride in never having sat on the naughty bench, until one day she came home and confessed that she had had to sit there that day. So I asked what she’d done and she replied, very quietly, “strangling”. (She’s now 14 and absolutely lovely.)

First thing to make me smile all evening, although must have been horrendous at the time!

Wowww I would be upset if my 2yr old did this too. I mean for a two year old to do this with another child is a very violent intentional action. I don't think you did anything wrong talking to her, I think it's strange that people don't think a 2 year old can't understand the difference between right and wrong. But I think you should've been done so immediately after the incident. It's probably a one off incident, so I don't think you have to worry about her being a bully.