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Original poster

To be so upset - ‘incident’ at nursery

195 replies

Redskiesatnight · 08/04/2022 20:01

DD is 2, nearly 3. Today when collecting her at nursery I was told she had been violent to another child. Child 1 was lying down on the floor, DD and child 2 went over and tried to hold them down so they couldn’t get up. When they tried to get up, DD and child 2 started hitting them until nursery staff intervened.

I’m absolutely devastated, we have never had a bad report about her before. I was only saying this morning how kind she is - she says ‘sorry’ if she accidentally steps on your foot, pretends to feed her cuddly toys snacks etc. She’s never been violent at home. I suppose if she had hit another child in self defence or because they had snatched a toy I could understand why it happened, but it seems like she thought it was all a big joke Sad

I’ve requested to watch the footage next week, we told her off when we got home and reiterated that hitting is naughty and unkind. For the rest of the evening she’s been really upset saying ‘I hit another child’ and crying.

I guess I’m just looking for reassurance that my daughter isn’t a future bully and I haven’t failed as a mother. I can’t stop crying and I don’t really know why, I’m just shocked I think. Any wisdom gratefully received Sad

OP posts:
pocketbunny · 08/04/2022 20:46

That meant to say children who had an early childhood with opportunities to follow their urges and learn from them did not rebel or get into trouble with the law as teenagers, according to the study.

Mummy1608 · 08/04/2022 20:47

I was only saying this morning how kind she is

(Teacher here, this has come up in training) It can be harmful to children of any age to generalise one incident to their whole personality. Either for good or bad. It loads them up with individual expectations.

Eg John is always late. Mary is a shy child. George is kind and shares his snacks (what if he doesn't want to today?)

Your dd is just herself. She isn't especially kind or especially a bully.

It's hard to adjust your language but it's really important.

Try: "Well done for saying xxx, that was a kind thing to say!" Not "DD you are always so kind, because you said xxx!"

It's subtle but it makes a difference actually.

NuffSaidSam · 08/04/2022 20:47

I think it's strange that people don't think a 2 year old can't understand the difference between right and wrong.

A bit of research into child development would probably enlighten you.

Mummy1608 · 08/04/2022 20:48

(I mean, she's not a bully at all obviously. I'm just referencing your own choice of language)

Whatever00 · 08/04/2022 20:48

She is 2. If she was mine I would ask her what she can do to make things better. My DC who is 3 would want to make a card and say sorry.

justfiveminutes · 08/04/2022 20:49

I think most parents experience this at some point. It's a normal stage of development. IMO the important thing is how parents react to their child hitting another child (or whatever the unwanted behaviour was). I don't think talking to her about it, telling her it was wrong and showing your disapproval was wrong at all. It sounds as if she has received your message loud and clear, and I am certain she won't suffer any lasting damage from being told she did a wrong thing.

ASundayWellSpent · 08/04/2022 20:51

Another EYFS teacher here. Agree with others, sounds like you were shocked and have overreacted. Hopefully the staff were more calm and factual, just informing you of what had happened. Agree nothing to be gained from watching the footage. We have a child with a high degree of SEN in our class and I have seen the loveliest of children have unsavoury behaviours towards them. They are little, they are learning, they don't see the world as we do, its our job to teach and guide them with love. Behaviours can be labelled as "naughty" not children... ideally neither. Hands are for helping not hurting.

One of our classroom expectations is "kind hands". They would have been reminded about kind hands, shown that the other child was upset and helped to make amends. I wouldn't expect the parents to mention it again at home, its too long ago for them and the moment has passed and the issue resolved.

Sunnytwobridges · 08/04/2022 20:51

@NuffSaidSam

I think it's strange that people don't think a 2 year old can't understand the difference between right and wrong.

A bit of research into child development would probably enlighten you.

I had a 2 year old and she knew better. :)
ChristmasTreeGorgeous · 08/04/2022 20:52

This can’t be real 😆

Andacherryonthetop · 08/04/2022 20:54

I really think you need to stop worrying. She’s 2. When my daughter was 2 she kept biting everyone. It was so embarrassing I kept having to sign forms in nursery to acknowledge that she had bitten another child. It always said ‘unprovoked’ on it. She’s 6 now and I’m happy to say does not bite or hurt anyone.

Consider your language with her- reiterate what we do do not what we don’t do. Ie- we have kind hands, we are gentle etc etc as opposed to we don’t hit.

Don’t worry. She’ll be fine

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 08/04/2022 20:55

"I had a 2 year old and she knew better"

No you didn't, you had a 2 year old that never did anything like that. Doesn't mean they knew better or that it was a very intentional violent act

You sound very smug for someone so clueless

SpaceFarce · 08/04/2022 20:56

@Sunnytwobridges is she still two? Don’t count your chickens if so Wink

ItsTheTreasure · 08/04/2022 20:57

Oh op, it'll all be fine. When my DS was 2 he went to a creche and had to be strapped into a push chair as he kept going after other kids to gouge their faces and wouldn't stay sat on the chair as punishment! (He'd never done this before at home). He's almost 10 now and the loveliest, kindest boy, his teachers have never had a bad word to say about him at school anyway, at home he's got a massive attitude

Tomorrow is a new day Flowers

Pregnagainagain · 08/04/2022 20:57

I have a scar on my face from a bite at nursery. The girl who did it to me was always in my class right through school and she was lovely, I don’t think she became a cannibal

Thursday37 · 08/04/2022 21:01

You do need to get a grip, my DD is similar age. She’s such an easy, lovely, kind child. But now and again she does something similar. It’s normal for toddlers and preschoolers to make mistakes when learning how to handle emotions. This week DD sat on her best friend and wouldn’t get off and made her cry. Nursery dealt with it and everyone moved on. Equally there’s a fairly boisterous little boy in her room that does a fair bit of hitting and pushing. DD isn’t keen on him but no-one thinks he’s a bully. He is just learning.

CaptainMyCaptain · 08/04/2022 21:02

@Viviennemary

Sounds to me like the other child put her up to it. And the nursery staff shoukd have been more vigilant so it didnt get to the stage of a chikd being held down and attacked. I would be considering moving her to a different nursery.
What? How on Earth did you work that out?
Lou573 · 08/04/2022 21:02

OP, my lovely, empathetic, kind, sensitive 6 year old went through a brief phase at 2 of attempting to bite other children’s faces. It was mortifying at the time but she’s an entirely lovely child. 2 year olds are crazy.

Phormiumjester2 · 08/04/2022 21:05

Don't look at the cctv footage. It doesn't need an inquest and it's not FBI worthy. Take the staff's word for it and stop worrying.
2 year olds do stuff. It's part of being 2!

Scarybutnecassary · 08/04/2022 21:08

@NuffSaidSam

I think it's strange that people don't think a 2 year old can't understand the difference between right and wrong.

A bit of research into child development would probably enlighten you.

This…a 2-4 year olds brain has not developed enough to have the thoughts and feelings of an older child…hence the mood changes and tantrums. It really is nothing to worry about!
Mytoddlerisamazing · 08/04/2022 21:08

One thing i would say is i don't think there’s any need for you to reiterate at home. The staff had dealt with it and small children have such a warped perspective of time a telling off is likely to be meaningless hours later

Definitely this. Our nursery always say not to bring things up at home.

WhoAre · 08/04/2022 21:10

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

surreygirl1987 · 08/04/2022 21:14

I think you are overreacting. Wow, if I'd only had that one 'bad report' about my little boy, I'd be delighted!! For a month or so it was the anomaly to get told that he HADN'T hurt anyone! That's probably quite unusual but he worked through that phase and hasn't been aggressive to anyone since (he's 3). What I'm trying to say is, as a one off do not worry!!! Just drop it now and see what happens next - likely nothing.

RealBecca · 08/04/2022 21:15

They will give you the CCTV as it has another child. What would you do with it?

It was one time, forgive her, give her a stern word and then love her and cuddle her and be her safe space and move on. X

Jannt86 · 08/04/2022 21:16

I'm more horrified that the poor thing is crying about it hours later tbh. My 4YO is a sweetheart. 99% of the time nursery say she's been amazing. The inevitable 1% they say otherwise I have a quick chat to her, make sure she realises it's unacceptable then we leave it at that. If she's getting that upset you're laying it on too thick. She might not even fully remember what she did that you're so upset about so she's confused and sad and probably a bit angry and ironically this will make her MORE likely to repeat antisocial behaviour. Just cool it. Chat matteroffactly, try and unpick why she did it and offer a solution (eg it sounds like you were very tired when you hit x but it's still not acceptable to do that. Next time use your words and let teachers know you're tired and ask to go for a lie down') Don't make a big deal of it. I'd guess pretty much zero % of preschool parents get to school age without at least some simular reports x

NuffSaidSam · 08/04/2022 21:19

I had a 2 year old and she knew better.

No, she didn't. Not if she was a normally developing 2 year old. I'm not sure even children with Mensa level IQ are actually anymore emotionally mature than other 2 year olds tbh.

She might not have done it, but that's more luck than judgement at that age.

Honestly, read up on child development it's interesting and will benefit your children.

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