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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so upset - ‘incident’ at nursery

195 replies

Redskiesatnight · 08/04/2022 20:01

DD is 2, nearly 3. Today when collecting her at nursery I was told she had been violent to another child. Child 1 was lying down on the floor, DD and child 2 went over and tried to hold them down so they couldn’t get up. When they tried to get up, DD and child 2 started hitting them until nursery staff intervened.

I’m absolutely devastated, we have never had a bad report about her before. I was only saying this morning how kind she is - she says ‘sorry’ if she accidentally steps on your foot, pretends to feed her cuddly toys snacks etc. She’s never been violent at home. I suppose if she had hit another child in self defence or because they had snatched a toy I could understand why it happened, but it seems like she thought it was all a big joke Sad

I’ve requested to watch the footage next week, we told her off when we got home and reiterated that hitting is naughty and unkind. For the rest of the evening she’s been really upset saying ‘I hit another child’ and crying.

I guess I’m just looking for reassurance that my daughter isn’t a future bully and I haven’t failed as a mother. I can’t stop crying and I don’t really know why, I’m just shocked I think. Any wisdom gratefully received Sad

OP posts:
Echobelly · 08/04/2022 21:21

TBH the holding down sounds more likely to be curiosity than aggression - 'what happens if I push this kid down?' - without realising it wasn't nice for the other child because, as people have said, she's only two.

thirdfiddle · 08/04/2022 21:22

Not sure about CCTV but I'd have wanted to ask my child what they thought they were doing. Not in the indignant sense, but why, was it supposed to be part of a game, what? There's usually some child-logic to these things. Might help you to understand what was going through their heads and help you to head off any future incident. If she keeps bringing it up perhaps you could ask her.

Sounds like she's got the message though. If she's not used to getting told off it will probably have made an impression and she won't do it again.

PinkSyCo · 08/04/2022 21:23

I disagree that it’s normal behaviour for almost 3 year olds to attack another child for no reason. Saying that if it’s a one off and your DD is genuinely sorry, and not just because she got a telling off, I wouldn’t worry too much at this stage.

Justcallmebabs · 08/04/2022 21:25

You do need to calm down a bit. I have a stack of nursery incident reports from when my son was 2 and a bit of a biter. He is a lovely gentle 5 year old now. It’s a phase

londonrach · 08/04/2022 21:26

Op she 2 year old. One my DD best friend bit her twice at that age. His mum was vvvv upset and did everything she could like you did. Her D's is kind and polite young man now aged 5 and never even think of biting. It's a stage. Honestly nothing you done and your dd knows it's wrong. I'd move on from this now. X

Lalliella · 08/04/2022 21:26

@GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat

Total overreaction on your part and you need to be very careful how you deal with this, so far your reaction has been disproportionate and potentially harmful to your daughter.
It won’t have harmed your daughter. What nonsense. You know how well your daughter remembers and comprehends things that happened earlier and most likely she will remember what she did. You just reinforced the message from nursery, and made it less likely to happen again. I think you handled it well. I do think you should beating yourself up now though.
Cookiecrumble22 · 08/04/2022 21:27

Sounds like alot of detail from the nursery. It's like they have described it step by step . My kids nursery would have just said there was a bit of pushing today or simlar. Mostly I think its sorted In the nursery room.

FavouritePi · 08/04/2022 21:27

They get things wrong and it could have been something she's seen on TV or even at nursery before but they won't tell you that.

If it makes you feel better, my DD stole a packet of food from a cafe counter and legged it out of the area (it was at a children's activity) in the other direction, opened it and started scoffing the food. She's 4.

I was upset with her behaviour and we talked about how taking things without paying is stealing and you get in big trouble for it but I don't think she's a future criminal. They are going to make loads of mistakes.

Bizawit · 08/04/2022 21:29

@Mummy1608

I was only saying this morning how kind she is

(Teacher here, this has come up in training) It can be harmful to children of any age to generalise one incident to their whole personality. Either for good or bad. It loads them up with individual expectations.

Eg John is always late. Mary is a shy child. George is kind and shares his snacks (what if he doesn't want to today?)

Your dd is just herself. She isn't especially kind or especially a bully.

It's hard to adjust your language but it's really important.

Try: "Well done for saying xxx, that was a kind thing to say!" Not "DD you are always so kind, because you said xxx!"

It's subtle but it makes a difference actually.

This. You are being unreasonable in the way that you are projecting your feelings and expectations on her . Both your feelings that she is kind; and your worries that she could be a bully because of one incident. Your desire to see CCTV from the nursery is completely over the top. Even if there was more context- who cares? You need to let go a little and just let her be an average two year old . X
WellNotReally · 08/04/2022 21:34

I mean for a two year old to do this with another child is a very violent intentional action

Come off it, that's complete nonsense.

Original poster
Redskiesatnight · 08/04/2022 21:35

The nursery did say she’s become more ‘confident’ recently and that as a consequence she’s become quite boisterous in her play. But they said this incident was particularly ‘nasty’ which was really upsetting.

OP posts:
SeaToSki · 08/04/2022 21:36

To reiterate other posters. Its important to separate the behaviour from the child

I dont like what you did… not i dont like you when you do that

I love the pretty picture that you drew…not i love you when you draw nicely

I like it when you work hard..not I love it when you win/get top marks

Wintersgirl · 08/04/2022 21:37

Honestly please don't worry, she's only 2, how she behaves now is not related on how she'll behave in the future, she's still a baby really! Don't be too hard on her.

Branleuse · 08/04/2022 21:37

Shes a toddler. They do weird stuff. Dont overthink it

NuffSaidSam · 08/04/2022 21:42

If it makes you feel better, my DD stole a packet of food from a cafe counter and legged it out of the area (it was at a children's activity) in the other direction, opened it and started scoffing the food. She's 4.

I imagine this like a dog stealing a string of sausages from a butcher's in a cartoon 😂

TheNameOfTheRoses · 08/04/2022 21:42

She is a toddler. I wouldn’t be using words such as ‘nasty’ to describe either the child or the child’s behaviour.

I would also have expected the staff ti have intervened before when the two dcs were on the top of the child on the floor. Verbally should have been enough.

TabithaTittlemouse · 08/04/2022 21:44

Stop taking it so personally. She’s a baby. She’s exploring friendships and emotions. It may have been as simple as seeing how child 1 reacted or even trying to make child 2 like her. This isn’t an indicator of her future as a serial killer.

It’s done now, you need to show her that tomorrow is a new day. Start afresh.
Watching cctv probably won’t be helpful for any of you. What would do differently? Probably nothing.

No more tears, no more punishments. Get an ice cream and play in the park.

bellac11 · 08/04/2022 21:46

@Obelisk

Go and give her a hug, OP, and apologise for overreacting. Your response wasn’t appropriate.

Fwiw, my DD was always beautifully behaved at nursery and took pride in never having sat on the naughty bench, until one day she came home and confessed that she had had to sit there that day. So I asked what she’d done and she replied, very quietly, “strangling”. (She’s now 14 and absolutely lovely.)

At that age they don’t understand. A consequence immediately afterwards is appropriate. Hours later it’s not appropriate. Go and cheer her up and let her know that you’re sorry.

No dont apologise for 'over reacting'

OP did nothing wrong, its right that nursery dealt with it and its not necessary to reiterate when the child got home but she hasnt harmed her and its not damaging, talk about some of these responses being over reactions.

To tell her sorry would utterly confuse her and isnt appropriate. OP is the adult in the situation and has not done anything to be sorry about

Aaaabbbcccc · 08/04/2022 21:47

Jesus why did you chastise her to the point of crying? A quiet discussion would have been better

Feckaffoutofit · 08/04/2022 21:49

I think for 2 year olds the nursery staff should be making sure situations like this don't develop too far. They are looking after a bunch of toddlers. They are responsible for the behaviour of the toddlers whilst they are in their care. They should not be allowing 2 toddlers to hold down another child and hit them repeatedly.

CreatingHavoc · 08/04/2022 21:49

You really didn't need to tell her off at home. The nursery staff would have done that at the time. What is needed at home is calm explanation of why hitting is unkind and hurts other people. You really didn't need to mention the actual incident, just a calm conversation about why we use gentle hands all the time is sufficient.

Aaaabbbcccc · 08/04/2022 21:49

I would ask the nursery what else she has been observing - some kids try out behaviour they see others engage in just to see what it’s like playing that ‘role’

Aaaabbbcccc · 08/04/2022 21:50

@Feckaffoutofit

I think for 2 year olds the nursery staff should be making sure situations like this don't develop too far. They are looking after a bunch of toddlers. They are responsible for the behaviour of the toddlers whilst they are in their care. They should not be allowing 2 toddlers to hold down another child and hit them repeatedly.
Spot on
Aaaabbbcccc · 08/04/2022 21:50

@CreatingHavoc

You really didn't need to tell her off at home. The nursery staff would have done that at the time. What is needed at home is calm explanation of why hitting is unkind and hurts other people. You really didn't need to mention the actual incident, just a calm conversation about why we use gentle hands all the time is sufficient.
Ditto
UniQuery · 08/04/2022 21:51

My DS threatened another child with a (plastic) knife, kicked his teacher and bit a random stranger in a soft play when he was 3. I was mortified and feel your pain. I read him the riot act because I was so upset. Probably didn't need to have been so cross in retrospect.

He's over 20 now and a normal functioning member of society.

You have told her off. She knows it's not ok. It's all part of growing up.

Don't worry - you've done the right thing.

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