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Original poster

To be so upset - ‘incident’ at nursery

195 replies

Redskiesatnight · 08/04/2022 20:01

DD is 2, nearly 3. Today when collecting her at nursery I was told she had been violent to another child. Child 1 was lying down on the floor, DD and child 2 went over and tried to hold them down so they couldn’t get up. When they tried to get up, DD and child 2 started hitting them until nursery staff intervened.

I’m absolutely devastated, we have never had a bad report about her before. I was only saying this morning how kind she is - she says ‘sorry’ if she accidentally steps on your foot, pretends to feed her cuddly toys snacks etc. She’s never been violent at home. I suppose if she had hit another child in self defence or because they had snatched a toy I could understand why it happened, but it seems like she thought it was all a big joke Sad

I’ve requested to watch the footage next week, we told her off when we got home and reiterated that hitting is naughty and unkind. For the rest of the evening she’s been really upset saying ‘I hit another child’ and crying.

I guess I’m just looking for reassurance that my daughter isn’t a future bully and I haven’t failed as a mother. I can’t stop crying and I don’t really know why, I’m just shocked I think. Any wisdom gratefully received Sad

OP posts:
worriedatthistime · 09/04/2022 09:20

I would of told mine off at home as well at nearly 3 , they do understand so saying ifs not ok to hit is fine which is all the OP seems to off done

PinkSyCo · 09/04/2022 09:24

I wonder if all you posters telling OP not to worry, her DD’s behaviour is totally normal would be quite so blase about it if it were your child getting hit by two others while lying there minding their own business? Confused

Inmyonesie · 09/04/2022 09:27

When my child was in reception they bit their friend in the face! I was shocked! They are now the kindest, most gentle 10yr old.

worriedatthistime · 09/04/2022 09:28

@PinkSyCo no they wouldn't
I can't believe how many people wouldn't reiterate to their child that hitting is not ok either and would just leave it, the child is nearly 3
I would def of discussed it at that age when we got home as mine would of fully understood , so a quick , we don't hit and its not nice would of been said
Mine haven't grown up to worry about life they are now 18 & 16 but always knew if they were badly behaved at school etc sometimes a punishment may follow at home , so we backed up that bad behaviour is not acceptable

ludocris · 09/04/2022 09:34

@PinkSyCo

I wonder if all you posters telling OP not to worry, her DD’s behaviour is totally normal would be quite so blase about it if it were your child getting hit by two others while lying there minding their own business? Confused
People are saying her behaviour is fairly standard and that with the right guidance she'll learn that it's not acceptable, not that her behaviour is perfectly fine and sod the poor child on the receiving end....
Changechangychange · 09/04/2022 09:35

DS was a biter between 18-36 months, still has a small scar on his face where some child clawed him when he was 2, and used to regularly thump me for amusement as a toddler (literally, he wasn’t doing it in anger, he just found it hilarious).

Now an extremely gentle and sensitive, shy five year old. Two year olds lash out physically for all kinds of reasons that make no sense to adults.

Original poster
Redskiesatnight · 09/04/2022 09:35

@PinkSyCo

I wonder if all you posters telling OP not to worry, her DD’s behaviour is totally normal would be quite so blase about it if it were your child getting hit by two others while lying there minding their own business? Confused
My daughter has also been hit/bitten at nursery previously so I do know how it feels.
OP posts:
Changechangychange · 09/04/2022 09:40

@PinkSyCo

I wonder if all you posters telling OP not to worry, her DD’s behaviour is totally normal would be quite so blase about it if it were your child getting hit by two others while lying there minding their own business? Confused
My child has a permanent scar on his face from a two year old clawing at him. I am obviously not happy about it (thankfully it is pretty small now but it looked terrible for the first six months). I don’t blame the two year old, or think she is a future bully though.

Neither do I think that there is any point in serious ongoing punishment in a child of that age - obviously at the time you remove them, make them apologise, fuss over the injured child, etc. But a two year old doesn’t have the cognitive ability to understand why they are still being punished days later, so you have to move on.

NuffSaidSam · 09/04/2022 09:40

@PinkSyCo

I wonder if all you posters telling OP not to worry, her DD’s behaviour is totally normal would be quite so blase about it if it were your child getting hit by two others while lying there minding their own business? Confused
If they were all 2 years old?

Yeah.

They push, snatch, bite, struggle to share or take turns, tantrum, cry, do insane things because, you know, they're very, very small children.

It happens. They will grow out of it.

PinkSyCo · 09/04/2022 09:40

My daughter has also been hit/bitten at nursery previously so I do know how it feels.

I’m not having a pop at you OP, because you do sound genuinely concerned about your DD’s behaviour and are obviously trying hard to teach her right from wrong. As a mum of 5 though, unless I was exceptionally lucky, don’t accept that all toddlers go around hitting and biting each other.

Changechangychange · 09/04/2022 09:41

And it is totally normal two year old behaviour, unfortunately 🤷‍♀️

Mamapep · 09/04/2022 09:42

This is such a massive overreaction, calm down.

NuffSaidSam · 09/04/2022 09:47

As I keep saying this is what shocked/upset me. I guess I thought seeing the footage would help me figure out how it reached that point (in ‘toddler’ logic if you see what I mean). If she had just given another child a whack because they took a toy there would be more sense to it. It’s the nature of what happened that upset me. It seemed very unkind for a 2 year old rather than reactionary if you see what I mean.

You've already said in your OP, she thought it was a big joke.

There's your answer. There's your toddler logic. This search for her motivation as if she's some kind of serial killer is ridiculous.

She thought it would be funny. It isn't. That's been explained to her. The end.

PinkSyCo · 09/04/2022 09:48

If they were all 2 years old?

Yeah.

They push, snatch, bite, struggle to share or take turns, tantrum, cry, do insane things because, you know, they're very, very small children.

It happens. They will grow out of it.

OP’s DD is almost 3. I am not being pedantic, but there is a huge difference developmentally between a just turned 2 year old and a 3 year old. But yes toddlers do do all of those things you listed (apart from not usually the biting) but they don’t generally gang up on another child for absolutely no reason. I am not saying at all that her DD won’t grow out of it but it needs to be addressed.

Parth · 09/04/2022 09:49

Your child is at the beginning of a long journey during which she will learn to exert control over her impulses. This process takes years, and some people never manage to gain this ability fully even as adults. A toddler is right at the beginning of this process, and cannot be expected to do so successfully, as previous posters have shown by examples of the things that they did themselves at that age.

You can take this as a learning/teaching opportunity, and gently guide her as she begins the process of learning how to control her impulses. Do not expect instant results, it is something that you will probably have to go through repeatedly as a parent over the years, well into the teens and probably even into early adulthood.

NuffSaidSam · 09/04/2022 09:51

@PinkSyCo

My daughter has also been hit/bitten at nursery previously so I do know how it feels.

I’m not having a pop at you OP, because you do sound genuinely concerned about your DD’s behaviour and are obviously trying hard to teach her right from wrong. As a mum of 5 though, unless I was exceptionally lucky, don’t accept that all toddlers go around hitting and biting each other.

ALL toddlers don't bite/hit, but a lot of them do. It's normal behaviour for this age group.

That doesn't mean EVERYONE does it.

Like having toileting accidents, for example, it's developmentally normal at that age, but not every child will have accidents after potty training.

Not every single child is the same. That's why it's useful to look at research into child development rather than rely on anecdotes from your/your friend lives, look at the bigger picture.

NuffSaidSam · 09/04/2022 09:57

@PinkSyCo

If they were all 2 years old?

Yeah.

They push, snatch, bite, struggle to share or take turns, tantrum, cry, do insane things because, you know, they're very, very small children.

It happens. They will grow out of it.

OP’s DD is almost 3. I am not being pedantic, but there is a huge difference developmentally between a just turned 2 year old and a 3 year old. But yes toddlers do do all of those things you listed (apart from not usually the biting) but they don’t generally gang up on another child for absolutely no reason. I am not saying at all that her DD won’t grow out of it but it needs to be addressed.

All of those behaviours are developmentally normal through the pre-school years, including in nearly/just turned 3 year olds.

Biting is also a normal behaviour. You can see that from how many people's children have been bitten or have bitten someone.

They didn't 'gang up' on the other child. And it wouldn't have been for no reason (see child logic). As the OP said, she thought it was a big joke. They probably just both thought sitting on someone would be funny! Kids do like to climb/sit on adults for a laugh don't they? Lots of kids will play rough and tumble and sit/climb on each other. You're looking at it from the perspective of an adult, not a small child.

Obviously, she needed to be told it's not ok and why. And she has been. By nursery. And at home. That's sufficient.

CaptainMyCaptain · 09/04/2022 10:01

@TheNameOfTheRoses

She is a toddler. I wouldn’t be using words such as ‘nasty’ to describe either the child or the child’s behaviour.

I would also have expected the staff ti have intervened before when the two dcs were on the top of the child on the floor. Verbally should have been enough.

It probably took seconds. Staff might have been sitting with other children and got there as fast as they could.. 'Nasty' isn't a great word to use but she was probably upset by the incident too.
cherryonthecakes · 09/04/2022 10:49

@PinkSyCo

If they were all 2 years old?

Yeah.

They push, snatch, bite, struggle to share or take turns, tantrum, cry, do insane things because, you know, they're very, very small children.

It happens. They will grow out of it.

OP’s DD is almost 3. I am not being pedantic, but there is a huge difference developmentally between a just turned 2 year old and a 3 year old. But yes toddlers do do all of those things you listed (apart from not usually the biting) but they don’t generally gang up on another child for absolutely no reason. I am not saying at all that her DD won’t grow out of it but it needs to be addressed.

You can't assume that they malicious intentions- "ganged up"

Pre-schooler logic doesn't make sense to adults but there could have been some weird logic there. For example, many parents "stop" a child escaping while tickling. How would a 2/3 year old know that doing that to another child at nursery isn't ok? It's not right but I can see why a pre-schooler used to play fighting and tickling at home wouldn't know not to do that at nursery.

OP- sometimes little kids do naughty things. Their brains aren't developed enough to control impulses and they don't have the ability to empathize so wouldn't be able to explain why home and nurseries would have rules like kind hands.

Your daughter is the same daughter that you've always thought she was and this probably isn't the last time that she'll do something impulsive and not consider consequences. If she was school age and doing this then I'd be worried but this is an age where it's normal to be working on emotions.

Her behaviour yesterday doesn't mean that she's destined to be a bully. My kids did things like bite, hit etc but by the time that they went to Reception, all of that stopped and they could use words or actions like getting adult involvement to deal with things.

A small point- kids don't feel remorse until much older. If she says sorry for accidentally stepping on toes then it's because she's picked it up as a thing to say. She probably didn't remember the incident earlier in the day so next time there's no need to bring it up again with her. She's upset that she's been told off but needs telling off at the time for things to be most effective. Keep on praising her kindness though- carrot definitely works better than stick.

PrivateHall · 09/04/2022 10:54

Stop feeling bad, chalk it up to experience. You sound like a lovely mum, nursery will know this and won't be 'judging' you or dd. You are ok, try and enjoy a lovely weekend with dd Flowers

twilightcustard · 09/04/2022 11:31

@Carbiesdreamhouse My DS gets bitten about once a week at nursery that is not right, very easy to stop a puppy biting, why not a child. I never had a toddler who bit anyone, just not acceptable and anyone who thinks it is, needs to stop the passive parenting. She is nearly 3 OP, of course you should have reiterated it to her at home. You have not failed and this has absolutely no relevance to who she will be when she grows up, but some of the responses on here are pathetic. She needs to know that cannot happen again.

twilightcustard · 09/04/2022 11:37

@NuffSaidSam They push, snatch, bite, struggle to share or take turns, tantrum, cry, do insane things because, you know, they're very, very small children

Actually they just don't all do that by any means. And biting is a completely unacceptable behaviour.

Howmanydaysuntilfriday · 09/04/2022 11:39

She's 2. Don't worry

ludocris · 09/04/2022 11:44

[quote twilightcustard]**@NuffSaidSam They push, snatch, bite, struggle to share or take turns, tantrum, cry, do insane things because, you know, they're very, very small children

Actually they just don't all do that by any means. And biting is a completely unacceptable behaviour.[/quote]
Cool your jets. Literally no one said biting is acceptable behaviour.

NuffSaidSam · 09/04/2022 11:45

[quote twilightcustard]**@NuffSaidSam They push, snatch, bite, struggle to share or take turns, tantrum, cry, do insane things because, you know, they're very, very small children

Actually they just don't all do that by any means. And biting is a completely unacceptable behaviour.[/quote]
All of those behaviours are common and developmentally appropriate for that age group. Including biting.

It's obviously not behaviour that we want, that's why we teach them not to and the vast majority grow out of it.