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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Date night cancelled. DH needs to sleep.

224 replies

mag2305 · 08/04/2022 16:28

DH and I haven't been out for absolutely ages, just the two of us. We have a 3 year old and 9 month old. Both sets of grandparents have kindly offered to look after a grandchild each today (both together is quite a lot). So we had the opportunity from this afternoon until this evening to go out and do something. However, my dh is currently asleep as that's what he's chosen to do with this time. I feel like I'm stuck in the house so much, I just want to get out. Feel a bit upset and disappointed by DH (AIBU?) but it's his choice. So what can I do on my own this evening that won't look like I'm a sad loner, lol! Any ideas?
I don't want to waste this evening. Unfortunately, being last minute, my friends have other plans otherwise I would have seen one of them.

OP posts:
EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 08/04/2022 19:34

@GoodSoup

If the OP wanted time alone I’m sure she could go out any evening her DH is in. Maybe she wanted to spend some time actually with him.
Exactly this

Sod this, he has 2 weeks off . I'm sure they could take it in turns to have a nap or some alone time

They don't have 2 weeks to spend some time alone as a couple though

Jalepenojello · 08/04/2022 19:34

I’d have let him have an hour, wake him and do something. I’d be disappointed if I fell asleep during a children day/night and wasted it away. OP can go out for dinner alone any night. I’m sure he can nap any day. Seems a waste to miss the only night together

notanothertakeaway · 08/04/2022 19:58

@mag2305

Just a bit of extra context, DH works in a school (school hols at the mo) so the tiredness isn't work related. He claims it's because of getting up at 6/7am all this week with our 3 year old. The problem is when he gets overtired, it really effects his mood, like depression. So he gets grumpy and has no motivation. Annoyingly he's been fine all this week until today, our one opportunity to go out!
It's the end of a long term, so he likely was tired

Hope you are now out enjoying yourselves after his nap

WisherWood · 08/04/2022 20:01

When my DP needs a nap I leave him to it. Sleep is precious. Plus, he's more likely to want sex later if I leave him to nap, which I always regard as a win.

TheNameOfTheRoses · 08/04/2022 20:24

I agree.
If he was that tired, he could have slept any other day during the week. He could have organised with the OP to have a lie in.

And tbh waking up at 6.00am with the 3yo isn’t that early either. Most people are up for 6.30am….

TheNameOfTheRoses · 08/04/2022 20:26

@Zonder

Seriously you could have given him til 6, woken him up and still gone out at 7. You had some time for yourself and could have had a really nice time.

I hope you are enjoying an aperitif in some nice restaurant together now.

I don’t think the OP wanted time for herself. She wanted time with her DH!!

Instead they’ve asked a favour to two sets of grand parents to the DH could have a nap… something he could have done Wo asking for help from anyone else.

BadNomad · 08/04/2022 20:34

If he gets grumpy when he's tired there's no point waking him up. Why not book yourself in for a night in a nice comfy, quiet hotel. He can have the kids to himself for the night seeing as he'll be well rested.

Caspianberg · 08/04/2022 20:37

I would let him nap. I would have napped also.
At 9months Ds was waking every hour all night, no naps unless I walked etc. I was so chronically sleep deprived on broken sleep in 24 for months in end that I almost fell asleep and crashed the car.

Unfortunately nobody has every offered to look after Ds yet, and he’s 2 years. So I haven’t had my long nap yet

Zonder · 08/04/2022 20:40

She could still have time with DH once he had a nap!

Qwill · 08/04/2022 20:52

If it was me, and I was knackered, I would love a nap. There are so many women on here, so tired, so many things to do, and always ask for a rest!! If it was framed as a woman who was working all hours as a teacher, got up early every morning, and had this shot for a little sleep, but her husband wanted to go out - would there be the same comments?

Inkyblue123 · 08/04/2022 20:57

Ahhh an afternoon to yourself! Lovely. I’d go for a swim & sauna then food - something my other half would hate and then cinema - one of the fancy ones and watch whatever I liked with a glass of wine. I’d leave him be tbh.

Firelogbridge · 08/04/2022 20:59

I'd be raging. I get being tired but I also think you need to put effort into your marriage as a couple.

Lazzaroni · 08/04/2022 21:03

Whatever the OP has chosen to do, there are some incredibly nasty remarks here. The husband is 'selfish' (repeatedly) and 'boring', and people would 'fuming' (I suppose it's better than being fumming) and 'raging'.

No wonder so many marriages end in divorce.

If it were my DP, I'd think 'good for him - he evidently needs it', put a blanket over him, and do something that I would enjoy. When my DC were that age, it was never an issue as we had no local parents to babysit - but if I'd had an evening off, I'd have just wanted to sit in peace and quiet.

As a few other PP have mentioned, I think the responses would have been very different if it were a woman working f/t as a teacher, having young children, and falling asleep given half a chance.

RealBecca · 08/04/2022 21:06

Did you PLAN to spend the time together or just hope/assume you would? That's what I would be thinking about.

thedancingbear · 08/04/2022 21:12

I'd bin him. The exhausted wanker.

Women get tired and need to sleep. Men are lazy.

LouisRenault · 08/04/2022 21:30

Most people are up for 6.30am….

Most people I know are not up for 6.30 am.

....But of course this is Mumsnet, where the competitive early rising goes along with the competitive under-eating.

bringincrazyback · 08/04/2022 21:38

Most people are up for 6.30am….

No they're not.

BellePeppa · 08/04/2022 21:41

@thedancingbear

I'd bin him. The exhausted wanker.

Women get tired and need to sleep. Men are lazy.

“Bin him?” How ridiculous. Why would you bin your husband over this?
Sirzy · 08/04/2022 21:41

@thedancingbear

I'd bin him. The exhausted wanker.

Women get tired and need to sleep. Men are lazy.

Bollocks. Comments like this help nobody.

Anyone can get exhausted and there is nothing to be gained from battling through to prove a point

Jedsnewstar · 08/04/2022 21:43

How infuriating. I would maybe go and book a hotel for the night, order room service or go for a swim or massage

Classic mumsnet answer. Just pluck some notes off your money tree and have a spa sesh! Obvs solution.

BellePeppa · 08/04/2022 21:43

@Qwill

If it was me, and I was knackered, I would love a nap. There are so many women on here, so tired, so many things to do, and always ask for a rest!! If it was framed as a woman who was working all hours as a teacher, got up early every morning, and had this shot for a little sleep, but her husband wanted to go out - would there be the same comments?
No! They’d be supporting the woman and deriding the selfish, thoughtless husband.
youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/04/2022 21:44

@BellePeppa @Sirzy

I think that poster was being sarcastic about the difference in how men and women are spoken about in threads like this?

Notsandwiches · 08/04/2022 21:46

LTB.

ContemplativeFriday · 08/04/2022 21:50

Compromise somehow?

I enjoy the cinema on my own so would probably see a film - then meet a well-rested DP after to go for dinner and maybe a couple of drinks?

TheNameOfTheRoses · 08/04/2022 21:51

I disagree there @BellePeppa.

I’d be making the same comment about

  • why is it that the only time she could sleep was when they had planned some time together? Not before - when she looked well then. And not after ?

In that particular case, the DH might be a teacher but had a dwife, the OP, at home to look after the dcs all of the days this week. And all of the days next week. So why choosing the sleep on that afternoon?!?
The other reason why it wouldn’t have worked the other way around

  • it’s unlikely that the woman teacher would have had a partner at home to look after the dcs all the other days
  • women tend to do all the emotional work and therefore are very unlikely to prioritise their sleep over time as a couple.

That’s, of course, Wo talking about the fact women know that their need for sleep wouldn’t be prioritise whereas men would assume that their needs go first. So they will go to sleep.
Which also explain why women will be more likely to be supported than men….