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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Date night cancelled. DH needs to sleep.

224 replies

mag2305 · 08/04/2022 16:28

DH and I haven't been out for absolutely ages, just the two of us. We have a 3 year old and 9 month old. Both sets of grandparents have kindly offered to look after a grandchild each today (both together is quite a lot). So we had the opportunity from this afternoon until this evening to go out and do something. However, my dh is currently asleep as that's what he's chosen to do with this time. I feel like I'm stuck in the house so much, I just want to get out. Feel a bit upset and disappointed by DH (AIBU?) but it's his choice. So what can I do on my own this evening that won't look like I'm a sad loner, lol! Any ideas?
I don't want to waste this evening. Unfortunately, being last minute, my friends have other plans otherwise I would have seen one of them.

OP posts:
ihatethefuckingmuffin · 08/04/2022 18:00

And honestly when I'd finally woken up is be wondering what was wrong with you that you didn't go ahead and do something you wanted to do. Quiet easy to leave a not saying gone out, text me or whatever when you wake.

Don't you ever day dream about all the wonderful things you could do without the kids tagging along? Stuff that you can do when you have a partner who experience episodes of tiredness and depression?

HELLITHURT · 08/04/2022 18:00

@ViaBlue

Don't wake him up!!! If my DH woke me up when my DC was 9 months I would have hated him!
I would've hated having babysitters arranged and being stuck in or having to go out alone!
oviraptor21 · 08/04/2022 18:01

I'd be torn between waking him up (although surely with an afternoon nap he should be OK for the evening) and buggering off without him to somewhere where he would want to go so he realises what he missed out on.
Then work on a really clearly laid down division of responsibilities and rest times so that he can't disengage at his whim.

If my DP did this to me because I had the temerity to fall asleep in the afternoon I would be leaving him without further discussion. What horrible behaviour

So you have a problem with either
(1) being woken up at a reasonable time from a daytime nap, or
(2) me going out in your absence, and/or
(3) laying out some kind of structure so the babysitting is not wasted in future.
So much of a problem that you'd leave? The mind boggles!

oviraptor21 · 08/04/2022 18:03

I just can't imagine anyone having babysitters and then not using them for some couple time. What a sad reflection on the relationship (unless there are some unstated health issues).

latriciamcneal · 08/04/2022 18:05

Well you can do any number of things to fill an evening. If it were me it would be a bottle of wine and a movie on the couch.

But I've been sitting alone in pubs during daughter's classes, as I don't drive and need to wait for her, and it's been so lovely being alone. I just go on my phone and look at recipes, forums, just chill and have a glass alone in the pub.

You can go out on your own.

LightSpeeds · 08/04/2022 18:07

Is it an avoidance tactic? We're all tired, when faced with something we want to get out of doing...

Xmasbaby11 · 08/04/2022 18:07

Yeah I'd wake him up. Otherwise he'll wake up in the evening totally out of sync snd unable to sleep! A nap is an hour or 2. Even when sleep deprived with 2 under 3s, I'd never have slept afternoon plus all night!

I mean, you know him best. If you genuinely think he needs / wants a huge amount of sleep, go out on your own to the cinema if you'd enjoy it.

Keeponmoving2213 · 08/04/2022 18:08

@oviraptor21

I just can't imagine anyone having babysitters and then not using them for some couple time. What a sad reflection on the relationship (unless there are some unstated health issues).
It doesn’t look like anything has been arranged or even discussed, as OP presumably would have mentioned in op
Foreignmumof2 · 08/04/2022 18:09

I have 2 children that are the same age as yours, but without the family help (they all live abroad) and a husband that we only see once a week if lucky.

I do sympathise with you, but if you generally do get to have outings at other times I think you should just take this one on the chin. Being a parent is tiring (more so than working imo) and he could genuinely be exhausted from looking after the 3 year old.

cherish123 · 08/04/2022 18:10

Read a book, watch TV, go to cinema. Time away from DC doesn't have to involve DH if he is too tired to go out. I am sure if you were tired and wanted to sleep, you'd be irritated if DH wanted you to go out or do something.

Sunnytwobridges · 08/04/2022 18:11

I'd be annoyed but then I'd enjoy the alone time sans kids. I'd order a meal in and find a good show/tv to binge watch and enjoy myself.

NewtoHolland · 08/04/2022 18:11

If it's your kind of thing maybe do a twilight spa package near you? Often pretty cheap, take a book, relax and enjoy :)

ThreeRingCircus · 08/04/2022 18:12

Had you actually arranged to do anything together OP? If not, you're being a bit unreasonable I'm afraid.

I would also go to the cinema, I've been a few times on my own when DH was working away before we had children and it was heaven. It felt really decadent and relaxing, just me the big screen and my popcorn.

Foreignmumof2 · 08/04/2022 18:12

@lisaandalan

I'd go shopping buy myself a new dress, go to the cinema and then out for a meal being alone Would not bother me and I use the card from the joint account. He may be tired but he's being very selfish he's on school holidays and has plenty of time to sleep. As soon as he went to bed I would have left the house, shopping spree, nails done, cinema and meal out. It's not to late to go out.
I probably would rather go out on my own without the little ones tagging along, sounds like a dream tbh
converseandjeans · 08/04/2022 18:16

Agree with drinking

Surely it's just a disco nap?

Don't underestimate how tired teachers are & throw baby & toddler into the mix. We're both teachers and feel exhausted more than ever before. Teaching post covid is proving to be hard work! Luckily our children are older now so we get to laze around if we feel like it.

Hopefully he will perk up to go out this evening.

Peanutbuttercupisyum · 08/04/2022 18:17

Why does having a 3yo and 9 month old make him this tired?! Ffs! I have a newborn and 3 primary age children and I wouldn’t bloody sleep in the middle of the day! How boring!

ThreeRingCircus · 08/04/2022 18:19

I also find it really strange when people are so uncomfortable in their own skin that they feel awkward or like a 'loser' if they go out on their own. It seems to be a common perception with some women and is a real shame. You are the person you spend most time with, after all so why not treat yourself?

I try to have lunch by myself at work because I enjoyed the peace and quiet and doing what I want. Invariably I'm joined by a colleague saying "saving you from being Billy no mates." I do have mates actually, I just also happen to be perfectly happy with my own company.

phizog · 08/04/2022 18:20

Why did you organise babysitters if you didn't have any plans.....? Surely, you both discussed and agreed how you wanted to use this time and had made plans/he had factored in a nap or whatever.

I think he's being unreasonable needing to sleep the whole day you have specifically arranged babysitters, when he's on holidays and waking up at 6-7 can hardly be a reason to sleep all afternoon and evening. However, I find it odd that neither of you planned anything because maybe if you had, he'd have a reason to be up and out.

Not sure why you can't still do something in the evening together - go for dinner?

GlitteryGreen · 08/04/2022 18:20

I would definitely just wake him up?

Just because he's fallen asleep in the afternoon doesn't indicate he means to spend the whole of your free time this way, surely?!

gannett · 08/04/2022 18:21

@oviraptor21

I'd be torn between waking him up (although surely with an afternoon nap he should be OK for the evening) and buggering off without him to somewhere where he would want to go so he realises what he missed out on. Then work on a really clearly laid down division of responsibilities and rest times so that he can't disengage at his whim.

If my DP did this to me because I had the temerity to fall asleep in the afternoon I would be leaving him without further discussion. What horrible behaviour

So you have a problem with either
(1) being woken up at a reasonable time from a daytime nap, or
(2) me going out in your absence, and/or
(3) laying out some kind of structure so the babysitting is not wasted in future.
So much of a problem that you'd leave? The mind boggles!

I'd have a problem with a nap being described as "disengaging on a whim". Just not the sort of thing you say to anyone you like or respect.
gannett · 08/04/2022 18:23

@GlitteryGreen

I would definitely just wake him up?

Just because he's fallen asleep in the afternoon doesn't indicate he means to spend the whole of your free time this way, surely?!

How is he spending any of her time? She's free to do whatever she likes with her time.

If they made actual plans with an actual time attached of course it would be reasonable to wake him up for them. Otherwise, leave sleeping people alone!

MrsJBaptiste · 08/04/2022 18:27

What a waste of two babysitters. All the things being suggested to the OP to do on her own she could do if her DH looked after the kids for a few hours. Babysitters = going out together. I'd be fuming unless he has a quick nap and you're not getting the kids back until 11ish?

Get a bottle of wine, order some food, and wake him up when it gets there. He will have had a nice nap and you can have a chilled evening together

^ This is the last thing I'd want to do if I'm in with the kids all week, I'd want to go OUT - drinks, food, etc. A takeaway and wine in the house would not cut it.

EmoIsntDead · 08/04/2022 18:28

@mag2305

Just a bit of extra context, DH works in a school (school hols at the mo) so the tiredness isn't work related. He claims it's because of getting up at 6/7am all this week with our 3 year old. The problem is when he gets overtired, it really effects his mood, like depression. So he gets grumpy and has no motivation. Annoyingly he's been fine all this week until today, our one opportunity to go out!
If his term just gone has been anything like mine he'll be exhausted. I've been sleeping loads this week - one night I slept for 14 hrs solid! It's like my body goes into shock and shuts down 😂 honestly , I'd let him sleep for a bit and then maybe have a nice night in. I'm knackered just nowcand that's without a baby to look after!
Kite22 · 08/04/2022 18:28

@mag2305 Can you clarify for us all how all this has been communicated between you......as in, did he know, before his nap that GPs were taking them? .....did he know you've been trying to arrange a 'date night' ?

When he sleeps in the afternoon, is it generally an hour or two, or is it a 'thing' that he goes to sleep in the afternoon and sleeps until the next morning ?

Also, when are you expecting the dc back ?

gingerhills · 08/04/2022 18:30

I'd wake him, tell him you are going to the cinema and out for some food because you need a break from the house. Ask if he wants to join you. But if he needs to sleep, let him. The exhaustion of having small children is so overwhelming.

You could always ring him after you've seen an early viewing at the cinema and see if he wants to join you for food.

Where do you get your energy? I'd have been your DH at that stage.