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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

As a mother would you do this? AIBU

236 replies

Swayingpalmtrees · 08/04/2022 14:33

My parents (late sixties) have been pretty much 'shielding' since March 2020 with very few exceptions. They are not CEV but feel worried about catching covid.

The exceptions however are ALWAYS to go to my brother's house, they do not visit anyone else inside (no other relatives, or their siblings etc) and have rarely been anywhere else since the pandemic started. My mother has anxiety and she is still terrified of covid (apart from to visit my brother, wife and family, who lives in C.London and uses the tube daily, small kids =high risk so not irrelevant)

My birthday fell on mothers day this year and I organised a family lunch, outside in the garden near their house at a small hotel so she would be comfortable, the weather was so nice and warm we were very lucky. My mum told me she couldn't come, cases were going up too fast she was too worried (even outside) I only made the lunch outside so she could come. It was heated, with blankets and covered just in case of rain and miles from anyone else - organised by the hotel GM. I was upset, but accepted her wishes to keep herself safe.

I have just found out she went to my brother's house the day before, inside his house for dinner with his extended family and she didn't tell me.

I am now coming to the conclusion she is using covid as an excuse not to see us: the back story is that he has always been the golden child, this was made public even when we were very young, it was a family joke it was so bad, but it is something I am used to. I didn't think she would take it this far though.

I now have no interest in organising to visit her again (this is happened more than once that she has been to see him but can't risk seeing anyone else)
Am I being unreasonable to stop bothering?

I feel I am wasting my time organising anything else in the future for her or with her. I feel a level of guilt as she tells me she is depressed and has anxiety so I worry it isn't kind to stop bothering, but it is very hurtful she can choose to 'risk' seeing my brother etc but can not 'risk' sitting outside with me on my birthday and mothers day.

It feels very deliberate.

OP posts:
OnlyFoolsnMothers · 08/04/2022 14:34

Yep that’s deliberate- she sounds vile OP I’m sorry

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/04/2022 14:36

That’s so hurtful and awful. I’m so sorry. Fuck being kind. She’s being anything but kind to you, her daughter who despite her cruelty continues to make an effort with her. She is undeserving of your kindness and consideration.

You might find the book Toxic parents useful. You’re not alone Flowers

Lsquiggles · 08/04/2022 14:38

Your mother's day plan sounded lovely, that must've been really upsetting for you and it's a shame she only considers her own feelings.

Has she actually expressed why she's comfortable to see your brother but not you? It makes no sense and ultimately does sound like an excuse, I'm sorry Flowers

givethatbabyaname · 08/04/2022 14:38

When she tells you she is depressed and anxious, tell her to pick up the phone and talk to her son about it. As soon as she starts, remember you have something urgent to do/ we’re just on your way out, and end the conversation.

I only had to do this three times before my DM got the message. I have exactly the same dynamic with my mum and second DB. My DB is aware of it and feels terrible about it. Ultimately it’s nothing he’s doing wrong, it’s all about my DM.

(My DB would offer to host me and my family when our DM was there. But I’ve given up on her. She can have at it, not wasting my energy on it anymore).

Original poster
Swayingpalmtrees · 08/04/2022 14:39

Thank you for your replies. I am shocked more than anything, because she said she wasn't going to his house or anywhere that it was too unsafe when I asked her. So she has also lied. I have just called to check it is true, and she brazenly said yes they have been over there....

What am I supposed to do the information! It is wounding.

OP posts:
Babdoc · 08/04/2022 14:42

Yes, I also recommend Toxic Parents by Susan Forward, OP. Your mother obviously plays you as scapegoat and your brother as golden child.

Have a look at the thread here on Mumsnet called “But we took you to stately homes”. It is specifically for the adult children of toxic parents. You will find lots of support there, from fellow sufferers who understand exactly what it’s like.
I went no contact with my own toxic mother when I was pregnant with my first child. Never regretted it, never saw her again, didn’t even attend her funeral. It was life changing.

Original poster
Swayingpalmtrees · 08/04/2022 14:43

I will order the book.

She said the hotel would be 'busy' I explained it would not be, because we are outside in the corner of the garden. She kept repeating it would be better. It is a tiny hotel, not busy at any time. On other occasions she has said I have teens so they are more risk. I don't think it is true, I honestly think it boils down to the fact she favours him and if she is going to take a covid hit she would rather it was worth it for her. He has a higher value than me.

My brother enjoys being centre stage with Mummy, as he calls her. And loves seeing it hurt me, so I am low contact with him as result. It feels toxic and not a good place to be.

OP posts:
Ninjaexpress · 08/04/2022 14:43

Sometimes I think a letter closes something like this. Even if you don't send it. Having been in a similar position in the past I think I'd send a letter, say what you said here, and then not contact again. It's too hurtful to constantly be putting yourself forward to be treated this way.

Original poster
Swayingpalmtrees · 08/04/2022 14:43

**busy

OP posts:
givethatbabyaname · 08/04/2022 14:44

Tell her 🤷‍♀️

Tell her you’re hurt and wounded.

Ask her to justify why she turned down an outdoor lunch but accept and indoor dinner.

Make her say the words. And if she doesn’t, tell her that you know she can’t bring herself to say them.

Nothing will change. You just have to accept it and move on. She’s not going to change and she’s leaving you with no other choice.

Sadless · 08/04/2022 14:44

Stop doing it let golden child do it. It might be your mum but you deserve to be treated the same as your brother.

Sal

WTF475878237NC · 08/04/2022 14:45

How rude and hurtful. Your plans sounded lovely and safe with distancing and being outside.

Original poster
Swayingpalmtrees · 08/04/2022 14:46

It feels like she is playing some kind of game, I can't explain it, but it feels wilful and using special family occasions to do it.

I had ordered mothers day balloons for the table and bunting, she had a huge bouquet of flowers ready and presents from my children that were handmade. I wanted to spoil her (even though it was my birthday) because I recognised the last two years have been rubbish for her. I feel so so hurt.

OP posts:
Knittingchamp · 08/04/2022 14:47

Sod her OP, what a revolting woman. To have a big meal at your brother's the day before your own birthday then not even bother turning up to yours when you'd adapted it to suit her? And not tell you so you had to find out yourself? Old hag. Cut her off

Original poster
Swayingpalmtrees · 08/04/2022 14:49

I told her straight out how hurtful I find it when she constantly chooses my brother over me, and she said it is easier because he lives closer to them and he doesn't mix so much?! Whatever that means. She said it is just unlucky the times when we hope to see her (school holidays mainly) the cases are always high, but that doesn't stack up if we had planned to meet the very same weekend.

Just lame excuses that sound empty and hollow.

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 08/04/2022 14:50

@Ninjaexpress

Sometimes I think a letter closes something like this. Even if you don't send it. Having been in a similar position in the past I think I'd send a letter, say what you said here, and then not contact again. It's too hurtful to constantly be putting yourself forward to be treated this way.
Agree with ninja, write the letter but don't send it, as I would worry she'd weaponise it and say its triggered her anxiety and depression.
SirChenjins · 08/04/2022 14:50

I was going to post something along the lines of 'she's obviously not well mentally if she's still this anxious about covid' until I read to the end of your OP. No, as a mum I would not do this.

I do think you need to have a conversation with her and explain how hurt you are by her behaviour - but be prepared for her to get defensive, as people who have behaved badly often do when they're called out on it.

I'm sorry this has happened to you, it sounds like you went to a huge amount of trouble to organise that.

nearlyspringyay · 08/04/2022 14:50

Sorry op. I'd withdraw. Have done the same.

Knittingchamp · 08/04/2022 14:50

Cross post, just read your last post, it is painful to read... please don't humiliate yourself as a family and act like doormats which you are all now doing (I mean this in a supportive way) to make her all this big stuff when it's your big day. It's a waste of life, honestly, it's demeaning. She's dragging you down and this dynamic is a really toxic example for your kids.

Original poster
Swayingpalmtrees · 08/04/2022 14:50

Thanks guys, and I am sorry about your own shitty experiences. I carry this weird concept that as my mother she should want to see me, love seeing me, I can't imagine not seeing my teen dc when they grow up. It is totally unfathomable to me.

OP posts:
ThreeRingCircus · 08/04/2022 14:52

I am so sorry OP, you have every right to be hurt. I would 100% tell her and in writing, even if just an email so you have time to think about what you want to say. Then I would step completely back from her.

Original poster
Swayingpalmtrees · 08/04/2022 14:55

Can I ask sincerely do you think I am being a doormat? That is pretty strong. I am not usually a doormat :(

I was trying to give her a really nice day. Between us my dh only booked that particular hotel so we could organise this for her. He knew how much it would mean to me to see my mum. He is appalled, very very quietly appalled and spent all day trying to make it up to me but I still sat in the bathroom crying on my birthday and mothers day for longer than I should have done. I felt oddly abandoned. Ridiculous at 42 years old and told myself to get it together. Washed my face, fixed a smile for the kids as they were trying so hard.

Demeaning, feeling demeaned now it probably is becoming like that yes.

OP posts:
SnowingInApril · 08/04/2022 14:56

Wounded is a really good word to describe how this feels.
My parents loved playing me and my siblings off against each other. Everything is a competition. Who earns the most, who has the biggest house, the nicest car etc etc. it’s exhausting as I normally lose (or am seen as the loser).

Distance is my friend. Self protection. Minimal contact. I don’t waste my energy or emotions on them any more. It’s incredibly liberating to finally not give a shit.

SockFluffInTheBath · 08/04/2022 14:56

You need to get your head round it, digest it, and accept it. She is not going to change. Do not make excuses or look for reasons. It was a deliberate decision to go to your brother’s house. It was a deliberate decision to let you down. Don’t let her control your headspace any longer OP. It’s hard to realise it but you’ll be happier if you let it go. Just because she’s your mum doesn’t mean she’s good and decent and worth your time.

SockFluffInTheBath · 08/04/2022 14:58

You’re not a doormat OP. You’re a lovely person who went the extra mile to try to please a not-good person. You’re a doormat if you keep doing it now you know she doesn’t care.