As a mother would you do this? AIBU

[Swayingpalmtrees]

My parents (late sixties) have been pretty much 'shielding' since March 2020 with very few exceptions. They are not CEV but feel worried about catching covid.

The exceptions however are ALWAYS to go to my brother's house, they do not visit anyone else inside (no other relatives, or their siblings etc) and have rarely been anywhere else since the pandemic started. My mother has anxiety and she is still terrified of covid (apart from to visit my brother, wife and family, who lives in C.London and uses the tube daily, small kids =high risk so not irrelevant)

My birthday fell on mothers day this year and I organised a family lunch, outside in the garden near their house at a small hotel so she would be comfortable, the weather was so nice and warm we were very lucky. My mum told me she couldn't come, cases were going up too fast she was too worried (even outside) I only made the lunch outside so she could come. It was heated, with blankets and covered just in case of rain and miles from anyone else - organised by the hotel GM. I was upset, but accepted her wishes to keep herself safe.

I have just found out she went to my brother's house the day before, inside his house for dinner with his extended family and she didn't tell me.

I am now coming to the conclusion she is using covid as an excuse not to see us: the back story is that he has always been the golden child, this was made public even when we were very young, it was a family joke it was so bad, but it is something I am used to. I didn't think she would take it this far though.

I now have no interest in organising to visit her again (this is happened more than once that she has been to see him but can't risk seeing anyone else)
Am I being unreasonable to stop bothering?

I feel I am wasting my time organising anything else in the future for her or with her. I feel a level of guilt as she tells me she is depressed and has anxiety so I worry it isn't kind to stop bothering, but it is very hurtful she can choose to 'risk' seeing my brother etc but can not 'risk' sitting outside with me on my birthday and mothers day.

It feels very deliberate.

My parents are the same OP. It’s awful. Sadly they never change and the only thing you can do is mourn the loss of the parents you should have had and deserved to have

@AnastasiaRomanov

This desperate attempt to keep trying to get what you never had is very very common. The child in you is trying to get what you never had. Been there, done that. I am still doing it. At some point you have to accept that your mother will never change. Will never be able to meet that need, fill that howling gaping hole. There’s no point in trying to understand why or how. Minimise contact, protect yourself and hold your head high.

So, so true. I've done it too - each time thinking maybe this time it will be different. And it never is!

A standout moment for me was inviting my mother to stay for a few days with me and our two very young toddlers while husband away for a few days last summer. She'd find every reason to disappear into her room to watch tv, no interest in bathtime or stories - or anything. And her cutting remark 'what? Did you expect me to come and do all the work?'.

I haven't seen or spoken to her since last summer. There is no drama; just the realisation that she will never be the mother or grandmother I want her to be. I am sad when I see my MIL, who is so easy to be around, and other women with their mothers. I will never have that.
I feel I have spent much of my daily life mourning the loss of the mother I've never had; but I can be the best mother I can be for my own children (who are amazing)

I think the situation is about how you move forward. Writing can be very therapeutic so I’d suggest writing down the things you want to say letter format (like writing to her) in a book, so that you keep them. Then every time you miss her, which you will have a read of how she’s made you feel. I don’t think you need the grand gesture letter/conversation to tell her you are going no contact. Just let it slide and make no effort. If family ask put it on her “oh you know mum” etc. You will move forward from this and I think this time next year you’ll be in a very different place.

I'd distance myself from her for a bit if I was you..... for your own sanity more than anything.
She's not a great mum by the sounds of it.

I am not sure if anyone is still reading...thank you to everyone that has posted. billy1966 your posts always inspire me with their wisdom and Mz I know you have been there and know the script inside out and I appreciate so much understanding and compassion on here from every single post.

I enjoyed a well timed holiday last week, and on that holiday I read the book by Susan Forward and also 'But its your family...'by Dr Sherrie Campbell and from reading all of your brilliant posts, but also reading this book proved to be a hugely illuminating like a million fairy lights turning on in the darkness (Dr Campbell is so well read and educated on this subject)

The problem is not my mother's behaviour but mine for putting up with it.
Fair enough I have been conditioned for over four decades to tolerate it, but it was such a wonderfully written 'aha that is why' kind of book that I thought I should post it on here for everyone that is also suffering/suffered. Sherrie is a psychologist and lays out the psychology as well as her personal experience.

The holiday gave me space to regain control and feel centred again.
Each time they inflict one of these well planned painful attacks, which is what it is, I reel for a few days from the shock of their cruelty. At least the holiday fast tracked my recovery this time.

Sadly for my dp I am not going to be available anymore for future occasions. I am booked up to the end of the year and officially 'too busy' to care what anyone is doing in my family, and what am I busy doing? Finding the self care days that I deserved as a child, surrounding myself with people on MY team that have MY back, and replacing the broken tearful days with happy ones that I will not let them take away again. I am truly done.

And you know what it DOES feel liberating and exciting not to have to worry or care (every time a touch of FOG seeps in, I see it off with SHE choose this, not me)

Perhaps this birthday weekend was actually a gift in the end, because now I have the perfect excuse to truly walk away and stop trying. I don't have to do another thing now going forward. I can take my rope back, and with a real feeling of new acceptance that I am beginning to truly feel deeply, let it all go.
Not with anger, but with something approaching genuine acceptance that this is how it is, and this is on them. I did my time trying to change it, and nothing worked. So I can leave gracefully and quietly now without a word, knowing I did my best, knowing I am a decent and loving person, knowing that I could not and will never change this set up. I have taken my life and feelings back and I am putting them where they belong, in the centre of my own world and that of my young family. I am present again with them with a lightness that was not there before.

I never thought I would get here and I feel so positive about it - it always felt like a massive heart wrenching loss before. Something has switched deep inside, it no longer feels like loss, but like a new chapter that is opening up for me. It is a first for me. I hope others can find their way here too.

Thank you truly for your posts.

Ahh, I’ve genuinely got a tear in my eye! That’s wonderful! I’m so pleased for you! To come so far in such a relatively short space of time is a true blessing

Sure it’ll pop up now and again, and any requests will spike you again, but you have all the tools to keep yourself on the straight and narrow.

Well done love, super proud of you!

That book but its your family sounds like a really good read! I’ll check it out!

The thing is, it’s all well and good saying it’s our fault for putting up with it, when this is what we’re raised to expect, it’s bloody hard to see that it’s wrong.

A lot of us realise that things aren’t right when we have our own children/families

You sound so strong.

Not allowing her to take any more from you is wonderful.

Not allowing her to take from your family, via you, is so powerful.

Ending the cycle.

Not allowing for her behaviour to become intergenerational abuse is so powerful.

So many people don't seem to see the reach these awful people have.

Knowledge is power.

By educating yourself you have gained the key to your own power and in doing so, you have taken hers away.

Your children are lucky to have you.
You should be very proud of yourself.

It is never too late to realise that your life has huge value.

It wasn't quick at all unfortunately probably twenty years at least in the making, but the last few it really has dawned on me how futile and damaging it is to keep trying to have that 'important' relationship, to feel I am at least making the effort. Now I finally know better! At long bloody last.

I posted under a different name in the past about my df at christmas, and you were both so very helpful and kind to me and I wanted to say your words gave me greatest comfort, you will never know how much you were there for me. I was in a very bad place at one time and it was an anchor. I gave my dm one last chance for mothers day, perhaps the last vestige of hope - accepting I may not have a relationship with my df ever again but there might be hope for a low key connection with dm and this is how she repaid me - what can you do???

I truly and honestly give up.
And it feels bloody great! Like a celebration almost, that I have finally got there on some level I can't see but is there. Thats it, show is over type of feeling.

Until you have been abused, gas lit and physically and mentally damaged and hurt from day dot it is impossible to explain how hard it is to come back from that from the people that are supposed to love you unconditionally. It is the hardest thing to finally escape and do so willingly and with a level of acceptance. It is possible for us to escape and still be broken inside and tortured as I have been for years, going back at moments of weakness only to be punished again - but if its possible can find a measure of peace in the decision to call time, then it is very healing to give up and say I did my best, and I am worth more than this endless capitulation to two people who really do not give a damn when all is said and done - and actually mean it.

I no longer expect them to love me, like me, think of me or do anything ever again for me. I no longer hope they will 'turn around' or see the light, they never will.

Jesus I have never got this far!! I never could ever say the words in my head or think about them it hurt so much, so now I know their level of connection is purely self serving for their interests only, it is not about love but feeding from the fun of inflicting hurt, I am able to actually do what is needed.

I don't doubt it will sting at different points, but I am expecting that now, I will be prepared.

The book is amazing mz you will greatly benefit from her writing. She has many books, but that one was excellent. You have been a lot already, and I am not sure how much it will add to your knowledge but I found it exceptionally helpful and provided such clarity.

billy you help alot of people in my position and always know just the right thing to say, to support and reassure others like me. You are a great presence on here and I wonder what you do in real life and whether you do actually look after people that are hurt.

Thank you

For so many years you were on a road to nowhere.

It was lonely, thankless and relentless, in its constant hurt, and disappointment.

Now, through reading, cogitating, you've veered off that road and are going in a new different direction.

YOU have done this.

It has been painful, and it WILL be painful into the future.

The difference is that the pain of before, was a powerless, going nowhere pain.

Now, you are beginning the pain of grieving.
It will take a while as you process your decision, and the finality of it.

But the horrible feeling of powerlessness and having no control over your life will slow.

You have been in no man's land emotionally for the longest time.

You will feel, you have FINALLY landed somewhere, and can begin building the next stage of your life.

Taking back control will save you.

The dizzy feeling beneath your feet, of hurt and confusion, uncertainty, finally beginning to arrest.

You have had a lifetime of this, and 20 years as an adult, trying to understand why your parents are the way they are.

Giving up trying to understand why, and moving to acceptance that this is they way things are, and they won't change, is really huge.

So many people are unable to move on from the hope of things being different.

Many just need advancing age to give themselves the confidence to say, no more.

You have had some huge realisations recently, don't rush yourself now.

Take your time.
Accept the support of those who love you.

Don't entertain "flying monkeys" who will try and dissuade you.
Don't allow sudden health scares to distract you.

Most of all, be kind to yourself.
Nurture that child within you that was treated so terribly.
Parent yourself as they say, kindly.

You have a great life and a great future ahead of you.

You can be very proud of yourself.

I happened upon this thread and was really moved to read through it.

@Swayingpalmtrees how is everything feeling now, a few months on?