As a mother would you do this? AIBU

[Swayingpalmtrees]

My parents (late sixties) have been pretty much 'shielding' since March 2020 with very few exceptions. They are not CEV but feel worried about catching covid.

The exceptions however are ALWAYS to go to my brother's house, they do not visit anyone else inside (no other relatives, or their siblings etc) and have rarely been anywhere else since the pandemic started. My mother has anxiety and she is still terrified of covid (apart from to visit my brother, wife and family, who lives in C.London and uses the tube daily, small kids =high risk so not irrelevant)

My birthday fell on mothers day this year and I organised a family lunch, outside in the garden near their house at a small hotel so she would be comfortable, the weather was so nice and warm we were very lucky. My mum told me she couldn't come, cases were going up too fast she was too worried (even outside) I only made the lunch outside so she could come. It was heated, with blankets and covered just in case of rain and miles from anyone else - organised by the hotel GM. I was upset, but accepted her wishes to keep herself safe.

I have just found out she went to my brother's house the day before, inside his house for dinner with his extended family and she didn't tell me.

I am now coming to the conclusion she is using covid as an excuse not to see us: the back story is that he has always been the golden child, this was made public even when we were very young, it was a family joke it was so bad, but it is something I am used to. I didn't think she would take it this far though.

I now have no interest in organising to visit her again (this is happened more than once that she has been to see him but can't risk seeing anyone else)
Am I being unreasonable to stop bothering?

I feel I am wasting my time organising anything else in the future for her or with her. I feel a level of guilt as she tells me she is depressed and has anxiety so I worry it isn't kind to stop bothering, but it is very hurtful she can choose to 'risk' seeing my brother etc but can not 'risk' sitting outside with me on my birthday and mothers day.

It feels very deliberate.

I understand everything you're saying OP, I'm pretty much in the same boat and it's rubbish. As you say you feel hurt, then cross, then guilty and then like you're being taken for a fool....but you have zero idea what to do about it.
Mine can't risk going to a supermarket (so I do and pay all that) but has been having 6 weekly haircuts throughout. Can't have me or her gc in the house, yet has been to meet my db several times (on public transport) for meals with his dd (again they're from London but lower risk than us?)
What I'm doing now is trying to push it to one side, so if or when she does get it I know it's not from me. I still disinfect her shopping to ensure no blame is on me, and I think to myself that it's her that's missing out, because actually I'm not bad company and my kids are brilliant!
If I was to say anything then she'd do exactly what you say yours would, and would paint me as the bad one.
The only positive for both of us is that this experience will make sure that we never treat our children in the same way. It's hurts like hell, but it's them not us.

No, no I wouldn't dream of doing that and any parent who does isn't a very good one. There are circumstances where parents may reduce contact with kids but general parents shouldn't have favourites

You sound like a great mum. If you need any further incentive to start to break this difficult dynamic think about your kids. They don't deserve to be snubbed by their unpleasant grandmother and I'm sure they've noticed how unfairly she has behaved towards you. Your partner sounds understanding and I'm sure he's livid with her as well.

So remember you have supportive family around you who love you and you owe it to them to say 'I've had enough - I'm concentrating on myself and the great family I have here in front of me'. You owe it to them to move forward and be happy. And you owe it to yourself too.

It will take time and it's not easy but you can do this. Good luck!

It feels deliberate because it is.

You’re not responsible for your mother’s mental health.

There are a lot of very strong and loving women on this thread, and I am really grateful for the support and advice. I wish it were different for all of us, thank you for your lovely messages x

I had ordered mothers day balloons for the table and bunting, she had a huge bouquet of flowers ready and presents from my children that were handmade. I wanted to spoil her (even though it was my birthday)

Please spend your money on counselling and resolve never to do this for her again. You sound lovely.

Yanbu
Sounds horrid
I would want an answer as to why outside meal as you suggested is not ok but inside with your brother’s family is

@Swayingpalmtrees

I find myself thinking of a new business idea like rent a mum, where you can pay to have a loving maternal figure that stands up for you, cares about you and is on your side. I would love a mother figure,

I crave that comfort of having someone to take the reins abit, a big bear hug and a cup of tea (As I imagine it) like an old pair of cosy slippers. I long to feel that way, because it is hard being the one constantly giving to the children, giving to the pets, my parents, working, just always giving and giving....I would love to just sit and not have to do anything for a while beyond taking care of myself. I am so tired of it, so at least it will be one less draining my life blood.

This made me well up. I’m only a bit older than you and my mum died a few years ago. This is exactly the sensation I had on her death (and, still, sometimes) “Who will care for me now?” But I know I was very very lucky to have her.

I think it’s a genius business idea or community initiative.

My dc tuned out out years ago, they took a good look at the game playing and checked out. They try to have nothing to do with her, and have zero relationship beyond being impeccably polite to her. They are very loving children, so I was (very) surprised they took such a hard line, I would describe the children's relationship with their GP is one of total indifference. Which is sad in a way, but it has at least saved them for heartache.

You sound like a thoroughly decent caring daughter OP . You know you wouldn’t behave to your own children as she has to you - that should be your guide .

It hurts , I know it does .. I personally found happiness in being a better mother than my own mother was .

You've been too nice for too long.
Don't waste you time snd energy on her in future and golden balls can have fun looking after her when she's too old and frail to look after herself.

@SnowingInApril

Wounded is a really good word to describe how this feels. My parents loved playing me and my siblings off against each other. Everything is a competition. Who earns the most, who has the biggest house, the nicest car etc etc. it’s exhausting as I normally lose (or am seen as the loser).

Distance is my friend. Self protection. Minimal contact. I don’t waste my energy or emotions on them any more. It’s incredibly liberating to finally not give a shit.

Exactly the same here. My final straw was a birthday meal for my mother we weren't invited to. I only found out because my brother called to ask if we wanted to travel together to mum's meal. I said what meal? My sister had organised it. I called my sister who blustered and said oh mum can't afford it for everyone and we didn't want you to think you had to pay (we would have happily paid for ourselves). My mother just did her annoying laugh as she always does, and said it wasn't a special occasion (well we were the only ones not included). Massive step back taken. I do my bit when she needs anything but emotionally I've switched off, and it's great. Even better is how she now tries to draw me in to get me hooked again, but I'm off the hook now and never getting back on it.

You try and try because some small part of you simply can't accept that the one person on earth that is supposed to love you unconditionally is your mother.

This is exactly it. It’s about acceptance. This is who she is, she isn’t going to change. But accepting it is hard, so you keep trying. Trying to win her love. Because you can’t fathom how a mother could treat her daughter that way, you can’t imagine treating your children how she treats you. There’s always that little voice inside you that says ‘keep trying and one day maybe she’ll love me like she loves my DB’.

It’s not you. She is basically not a nice person. I would get some counselling, and cut contact. You’re allowed to grieve for the mother you should have had.

Please go to the stately homes thread on the relationships board. The advice there will help you heal. It isn’t you.

YANBU. My own DM isn’t anywhere near that level of toxic but it’s become very clear over the past year as restrictions have relaxed that COVID has been quite a useful smokescreen for a number of things. So she won’t come and stay at our house but it’s fine for us to stay at hers in school holidays, won’t meet us outside in term time when case rates have been high, but happy to celebrate my DBIL’s relative’s 90th inside.

Ironically, the grandchild she deems most high risk in terms of COVID (DS) is the only one who hasn’t had it.

OP, you sound like such a throughly good and decent person, and from what I can see it's your mum that's missing out, not you. It is time to steer clear of her because she will just cause you hurt and you don't deserve that.

As someone reading the thread as a bystander it's easy for us to think that we would have asked her what the difference was between COVID risk in your brother's house and COVID risk outside in a hotel garden. And when she gives a lame excuse to pick her up on it and say "come on, Mum, you and I both know that's a total nonsense - what is the REAL reason you can go to my brother's house but not see me and my family?" But when there are strong feelings and emotions in the mix it's far too hard to do that, plus I guess you'd risk feeling more hurt if she gave an answer that you didn't like.

Images of mother figures are so prominent in our culture. From films and television, and including both dramatic pieces and documentaries. But usually they are portrayed as two extremes, aren't they? At one end is the Hallmark mum. Perfect Mum, loving and giving, wanting to be the doting grandparent, wanting to do the girlie lunches with her daughter etc. At the other end is the wicked abusive neglectful type, often seen in the news in cases of child abuse.

In real life most of us fall somewhere towards the first type - trying our best, loving our kids so much but knowing we're not always perfect. But some mothers will be nearer the other abusive end. Not obviously abusive, not many outsiders would notice. But they do real damage to their offspring's emotional wellbeing as they leave them questioning why they aren't the perfect Hallmark mum like everyone else seems to have, and is it something in them that means their mum doesn't respond to them like that?

Just accept that your mum is towards the abusive end of the mum spectrum and adjust your feelings, expectations and behaviour accordingly. Imagine that your friend was telling you this stuff - you would be giving advice in how she should back off from trying to please her mother, I'm sure. She'd be asking you what your mum did for YOU on your birthday.

Lastly, if your mother is prone to spreading horrible things to the wider family making you out to be difficult, I think you were very controlled not to post a picture on FB of you all sat at the Mothers' Day table, with the caption "Can you spot who's missing?" or something, with a laughing face. Every time there's an occasion where your mother has let you down and not turned up, post a photo on FB saying "having a lovely time with the family, shame some of us were not able to make it". People will get the picture. They WILL notice that she never turns up to these things.

So sorry to read about this awful experience. Sending best wishes to you and hope you have a lovely, relaxing holiday.

Step back. You're busy, you're sick, you've got friends coming over, there's a knock at the door. Whatever excuse you can think of. Every single time.

V low/no contact, you need to stop playing her game. Don't initiate contact yourself anymore.

Had this with a really close friend from childhood recently and it might be easier with non-family but it was the best thing I ever did.

My mother plays the favourites game always has. I had therapy for an indirectly related issue. Therapist uncovered my relationship issues with my mother. I felt so much better after talking it out. I still interact regularly with her as a dutiful daughter but shes lost the power to hurt me. It’s brilliant, seriously get counselling it was so worthwhile

Oh OP I’m so sorry your mum is so shit. Mine is similar, always favouring my DSIS and is getting much worse with age. I used to do the overcompensating thing too, buying her expensive, thoughtful gifts. But then I realised she wasn’t putting in any effort so I don’t bother anymore. I don’t even send her a Mother’s Day card this year.

I can totally relate to your words…

You try and try because some small part of you simply can't accept that the one person on earth that is supposed to love you unconditionally is your mother.
And when you have to face the facts it is a pain like none before. A rejection like none before. It is the very definition of rejection, and it shatters your self esteem and confidence, and you are left wondering how anyone can love you, if the one person that made you, knows you like no one else and should love you without hesitation if she can't accept and love you then who will?

So you find yourself holding on to the broken shards of your self esteem like a broken ornament frantically gluing it together, and hoping people won't notice the cracks. Or if they do, they won't notice just how huge the cracks are...because they might decide to leave as well. It is very hard to live with. You feel broken a lot of the time, because there is no life support, no parent, no safety net even though you apparently have two living parents somewhere.

I have met a few women that this has also happened to and wish now that I’d stayed in contact with them (but am useless with making and keeping friends, it’s a self-esteem thing). So please be assured, you’re not the only one. In fact, I think it’s a common theme for women who get into abusive relationships - your DH sounds lovely so be thankful for that.

Op, I feel for you but I am surprised you went to such effort given what all preceding years and decades had told you about your relationship with your mother.

It’s almost as though you knew it would turn out like this but wanted to be a little martyrish about it all? I know that would be difficult to admit to, but strikes me as odd to put in such effort and hope as conveyed on this thread when there was literally no chance of your COVID-terrified mother who has always preferred your brother and very comfortable in his home…. Going ahead with this

Sounds so hurtful.
Does your dad behave better? Could he stand up for you?

* My dc tuned out out years ago, they took a good look at the game playing and checked out. They try to have nothing to do with her, and have zero relationship beyond being impeccably polite to her.*

And yet they made your mother handmade presents according to your OP.

I think in some families people try and try to make their parents love them and they get hurt over and over.

Oh yes.

The scales fell from my eyes big time when I was 40. I was about to have major surgerythe first time I'd really been ill let alone spending time in hospitaland I wanted to see my parents before the op. But my DF had "other commitments"--a hobby. While nothing on the scale of OP, it then came to me that my DPs only ever wanted to see me at their convenience. DF would regularly travel across to the far side of London for his hobbies, but where I lived (and had repeatedly invited them to) was "too far"; visits were always me going to them. This contributed to the serious clinical depression I developed at the time.

I deliberately chose to disengage as part of my MH recovery. DM and I (DF died last year) are cordial, but will never have a classic mother-daughter closeness.

Oh op I feel hurt on your behalf. Your Mother’s Day plan sounds lovely and thoughtful. I’d stop making the effort and concentrate on your immediate family. I can’t imagine favouring one child over another.