As a mother would you do this? AIBU

[Swayingpalmtrees]

My parents (late sixties) have been pretty much 'shielding' since March 2020 with very few exceptions. They are not CEV but feel worried about catching covid.

The exceptions however are ALWAYS to go to my brother's house, they do not visit anyone else inside (no other relatives, or their siblings etc) and have rarely been anywhere else since the pandemic started. My mother has anxiety and she is still terrified of covid (apart from to visit my brother, wife and family, who lives in C.London and uses the tube daily, small kids =high risk so not irrelevant)

My birthday fell on mothers day this year and I organised a family lunch, outside in the garden near their house at a small hotel so she would be comfortable, the weather was so nice and warm we were very lucky. My mum told me she couldn't come, cases were going up too fast she was too worried (even outside) I only made the lunch outside so she could come. It was heated, with blankets and covered just in case of rain and miles from anyone else - organised by the hotel GM. I was upset, but accepted her wishes to keep herself safe.

I have just found out she went to my brother's house the day before, inside his house for dinner with his extended family and she didn't tell me.

I am now coming to the conclusion she is using covid as an excuse not to see us: the back story is that he has always been the golden child, this was made public even when we were very young, it was a family joke it was so bad, but it is something I am used to. I didn't think she would take it this far though.

I now have no interest in organising to visit her again (this is happened more than once that she has been to see him but can't risk seeing anyone else)
Am I being unreasonable to stop bothering?

I feel I am wasting my time organising anything else in the future for her or with her. I feel a level of guilt as she tells me she is depressed and has anxiety so I worry it isn't kind to stop bothering, but it is very hurtful she can choose to 'risk' seeing my brother etc but can not 'risk' sitting outside with me on my birthday and mothers day.

It feels very deliberate.

Very low contact is the way to go.
Write that letter. But instead of posting it to her - set light to it. Drop it in the fire and let it go. Mourn the mother you'd hoped you had and let her go.

Don't contact her going forward, let her contact you. Brush off any contact she makes, leave her to it.

And remember when she needs ACTUAL care... golden boy can do that too.

Just to answer a few questions, I organised it all and when she cancelled I explained about the balloons, the outside table, the gifts my children had made for, how much they were all looking forward to it, how sad it would be to cancel, she knew how I felt.
She got cross and called me 'selfish' for putting her life at risk, do I not look at the news and see the figures (of course I had which is why it was outside) and I was basically putting her life at risk. Once someone throws in that grenade you have to let it drop. I just agreed to leave it this year. She knew I was upset, and I asked her if she would be seeing my brother, she said she definitely wasn't seeing anyone under any circumstances, she won't be risking it for mothers day or anything else. Crystal clear.

Fast forward two weeks and I find out, it is dropped into the conversation so casually. I felt really blindsided, pp saying it damages your self confidence that is how it felt. I was just like wtaf is wrong with you. I managed to hold on to the adult within me, and did not disgrace myself by having it out with her as much as I would love to, because believe me she will turn it around immediately and pretend to be the victim. So for once, I remained and adult, wished her a good weekend and said goodbye pretty much as soon as she said it. Really do not feel like calling her ever again!!!

How do you stop caring? Lots of people saying it is a relief to let go, I would love to do that how do switch off from caring about her, missing her? I feel she has a hold on me.

She cancelled 15 hours before the lunch, so we couldn't even cancel the arrangements with the hotel, and I had to sit there surrounded by her balloons and bunting fluttering in the breeze. It wasn't fun.

So sorry OP

How is your relationship with your brother? Was he there too on Mother's Day?

From experience you need to start protecting yourself. Slowly disengage, minimal effort on your part. Focus on you and your immediate family, read a few books around the subject and perhaps consider counselling to work through your feelings of disappointment and/or abandonment.

Mother's are meant to be loving, kind and fair. Sadly lots are not and no matter how old you get there will always be sadness at the injustice of the situation you are in.

The key is to live a good life surrounded by family and friends who do love you and not dwell on what you can't control.

The double standard is typical of a woman who cares very little for your feelings. 😒

No advice, yanbu feeling hurt by her selfish behaviours.

I'm so sorry your mother is like this, Swayingpalmtrees. Mine was muc the same. One year she had arranged to come to us for Christmas but she had a minor accident and was in a bit of pain. I offered to go up for Christmas and cook for just the two of us and make the best of it, she refused and said she would rather be on her own because she didn't feel great. I was upset enough then but even more so when I found out she had spent Christmas at my brother's and they had been out to a restaurant for Christmas lunch. He was the golden one too.

@Swayingpalmtrees

Thank you for your replies. I am shocked more than anything, because she said she wasn't going to his house or anywhere that it was too unsafe when I asked her. So she has also lied. I have just called to check it is true, and she brazenly said yes they have been over there....

What am I supposed to do the information! It is wounding.

It is wounding, that’s exactly the right way to describe this.

I’ve had similar, it’s the worst thing imaginable; the fact that your own mother really doesn’t like you.

Ok so process this, take it on board, feel the pain and then let it go.

Drop the rope, reduce or stop contact and try to keep going forward

It will hurt for a while. A long while, but then it hurts less.

Toxic Parents book is a great suggestion and will help. Talking here will help, possibly also on the Stately Homes threads where you’ll meet others who get it.

This isn’t a reflection on you. And actually you’ll learn that the Golden Child is not a good position to be in either, for different reasons

For now, focus only on you, your own family unit and - I suggest- leave her to it.

You deserve better, you always did deserve better than her as a mum, but she’s the one you got sadly, she won’t ever be the mum you need her to be. Mourn this passing now and it might make your life a little easier

Sadly this is the person she is,
In order for it to stop hurting, you need to go No Contact.
Taking control & not being a doormat is the solution
& if she rings just say you 're 'oh dear just going out', don't give her platitudes, don't blame your brother, although he may enjoy it, He didn't set the rules. She did.
Same dynamic in my life so I understand.

My mother was the same. I went no contact years ago and am so much happier for it.

So sorry @Swayingpalmtrees. It is a very difficult thing to get over, and completely understandable to keep hoping that your DM might behave like a normal, loving DM! But once you can detach a bit, it does make things easier. I like the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents - both for understanding and healing yourself and also dealing with your parents behaviour now.

that’s deliberate- she sounds vile OP I’m sorry

To be fair, my MIL has a golden boy who isn’t my husband. It’s really obvious to us and can be problematic, but it would be very unfair to call her vile.

OP, just stop trying and console yourself with the fact you won’t be the one having to be there to provide care when she needs it.

How do you stop caring? Lots of people saying it is a relief to let go, I would love to do that how do switch off from caring about her, missing her? I feel she has a hold on me

Drop your end of the rope. Be breezy and non-committal. There's no point in trying to have it out with her - you've tried and she just lied to your face! I used to mutter "some questions don't need answers anymore" on repeat. Meaning it doesn't matter why she does this. Once you stop questioning the behaviour and what you may have done to cause it, you take the next step, which is not to care about the behaviour. Acceptance. And with that distance you have the mind space to build the walls so that when she comes to you for something, without thinking or pause you bat it back for your brother to deal with. She chose him, he gets to deal with the good and the bad - whatever you do would never be good enough so why on earth would you try? It becomes very liberating

YANBU OP
Fuck her

Wise words @littleOwl153 'Mourn the Mother you wish you had and let her go'

I'm so sorry OP. It's just hurtful.
I would simply withdraw. No letter, no confrontation, just be done.
She can't play games without you as a participant.
You just live your best life with your own little family who love you and appreciate you and don't look back.
I know it's easier said than done but you know by now that nothing you say will make a difference. Take care of YOU.

OP has said this about her brother:

My brother enjoys being centre stage with Mummy, as he calls her. And loves seeing it hurt me, so I am low contact with him as result. It feels toxic and not a good place to be.

I know there’s a load of guff on MN with narcissism being diagnosed willy-nilly here, there and everywhere. But in this case, @Swayingpalmtrees, there are certainly shades of that kind of dynamic. I think it’s worth reading up a bit in case there are strategies and techniques that ring true for you and also maybe have a look on the ‘Stately Homes’ threads - you will learn a lot there about FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt).

It’s hard to let go of emotional responses that have been built into us from childhood and these often persist into adulthood (the need for love and the anguish when it isn’t given, the pain of not being wanted, the guilt of feeling responsible in some way for that person’s happiness when they have absolutely no regard for yours, and so on) but you can do some work to release yourself from some of that.

Unfortunately a lot of us have to accept that a lot of parents are cu*ts.
I would go NC and try and avoid repeating the pattern with your own children.
Good luck.

Really do not feel like calling her ever again!!!

That sounds like the best option, frankly. But I appreciate that it's not that easy, though - nobody wants to feel like that about their mum. The emotions of being hurt by a parent are so much more complicated being hurt by a parent than it is being hurt by anyone else.

You don't mention your dad - is he of the same opinions on all this as your mother, or does he just go along with what she says/wants to keep the peace? Could you speak to him and ask him outright why your mother did that to you and what he thought about it? And what about your brother? Does he know what she did to you? What does he think of her behaviour in general?

I'm sorry you're going through this. You sound absolutely lovely.

@givethatbabyaname

Tell her 🤷‍♀️

Tell her you’re hurt and wounded.

Ask her to justify why she turned down an outdoor lunch but accept and indoor dinner.

Make her say the words. And if she doesn’t, tell her that you know she can’t bring herself to say them.

Nothing will change. You just have to accept it and move on. She’s not going to change and she’s leaving you with no other choice.

Tbf, I can’t recommend this.

I asked my own mum why she felt it appropriate to move house without telling me where she was moving to etc etc

The answer “well we were never that close” came back.

Nobody needs to hear that from their mother

It’s better to take the hint from the actions. Vote with your feet and leave them to it.

In my own opinion. Tbh, it also felt important to ask the question, I just never factored on the response

I don’t think about her at all anymore. I don’t get triggered by slush fests like hallmark holidays etc, it gets easier.

Living well is the best revenge, even better if they never get to see it, only hear about it.

@Dobbyismyabsolutefav

Wise words *@littleOwl153* 'Mourn the Mother you wish you had and let her go'

Yes-but what do you do with the mother that that leaves you?

Once you go no contact, you'll go through a grieving process. Time will heal to a certain extent. You'll feel less hurt than now, as the current situation is like a wound that isn't allowed to heal.

I were you, as sad as it is, I would cut my losses with her. Don’t go out of your way again to arrange something for her. Let her make the effort from now on. & if she never does, keep your head high and your dignity and spend time with people who actually appreciate you.

This - spend the time and engery on your DH and kids.

I'd go with bright and breezy on the phone and changing subject when she talks about her depression or be busy and have to go - possibly wait till she calls you.

You can't change how she behaves but only how you react to it - so give her less opportunity to reject and hurt you.

If this was just about Covid, she would not be visiting your brother regularly and going into his house.

It must be so hurtful for you. From what you've said, it doesn't seem as if talking to her or writing a letter directly would help anything. I don't think you should feel guilty that she tells you that she experiences depression and anxiety. It's actually really sad that you are so used to feeling that you are treated differently to your brother that you would compromise your own sense of self esteem and self worth for a mother who has treated her children so differently.

I have been non contact with my mother for almost a decade after years of similar treatment op
Step away
It's liberating