As a mother would you do this? AIBU

[Swayingpalmtrees]

My parents (late sixties) have been pretty much 'shielding' since March 2020 with very few exceptions. They are not CEV but feel worried about catching covid.

The exceptions however are ALWAYS to go to my brother's house, they do not visit anyone else inside (no other relatives, or their siblings etc) and have rarely been anywhere else since the pandemic started. My mother has anxiety and she is still terrified of covid (apart from to visit my brother, wife and family, who lives in C.London and uses the tube daily, small kids =high risk so not irrelevant)

My birthday fell on mothers day this year and I organised a family lunch, outside in the garden near their house at a small hotel so she would be comfortable, the weather was so nice and warm we were very lucky. My mum told me she couldn't come, cases were going up too fast she was too worried (even outside) I only made the lunch outside so she could come. It was heated, with blankets and covered just in case of rain and miles from anyone else - organised by the hotel GM. I was upset, but accepted her wishes to keep herself safe.

I have just found out she went to my brother's house the day before, inside his house for dinner with his extended family and she didn't tell me.

I am now coming to the conclusion she is using covid as an excuse not to see us: the back story is that he has always been the golden child, this was made public even when we were very young, it was a family joke it was so bad, but it is something I am used to. I didn't think she would take it this far though.

I now have no interest in organising to visit her again (this is happened more than once that she has been to see him but can't risk seeing anyone else)
Am I being unreasonable to stop bothering?

I feel I am wasting my time organising anything else in the future for her or with her. I feel a level of guilt as she tells me she is depressed and has anxiety so I worry it isn't kind to stop bothering, but it is very hurtful she can choose to 'risk' seeing my brother etc but can not 'risk' sitting outside with me on my birthday and mothers day.

It feels very deliberate.

I found that when I reduced my expectations to zero I didn't feel so sad when they let me down. She doesn't deserve you. Start giving the minimum input possible and if there's a family event say you have recurring Covid and can't go !

@Keeponmoving2213

Op, I feel for you but I am surprised you went to such effort given what all preceding years and decades had told you about your relationship with your mother.

It’s almost as though you knew it would turn out like this but wanted to be a little martyrish about it all? I know that would be difficult to admit to, but strikes me as odd to put in such effort and hope as conveyed on this thread when there was literally no chance of your COVID-terrified mother who has always preferred your brother and very comfortable in his home…. Going ahead with this

That's not a nice thing to say - "wanted to be a little martyrish about it all"?

Most people would recognise that whole thing of trying hard with anything and everything that will encourage their mum to want to have a proper relationship with them. There has to be that lightbulb moment where you realise "enough is enough". It sounds like OP has reached that moment and she needs support, not accusations of being a martyr, FGS.

* the gifts my children had made for, how much they were all looking forward to it,*

So you told her this.

But then your last post is that they have zero relationship with her and totally indifferent to her

Look I am just confused that the Op says her children have no relationship with her, don’t like her game playing and are utterly indifferent to her

But then says her children (teenagers!) had hand made presents for her and was so looking forward to seeing her

I'm sorry - that was really mean and nasty of her.

I've had no contact with my Mil for 15 years so I get it. Please remember that other people's behaviour is always about getting their own needs met and sometimes we have to walk away from that as its purely toxic.

Stop doing anything for her. Sorry OP.

So sorry for you OP. As much as it hurts, tell them that when they stop prioritising covid over their relationship with you, their child and grandchildren, you will engage in a relationship again. Until then you are not interested in a half-relationship shivering in the cold outside.
Also, you are not ridiculous at all. You are rightly upset that you have effectively lost your mother, yet she isn't even dead! But the relationship as you know it is dead. I feel desperately sorry for you, I can imagine how hurt you must be as I have seen it in other families.

I do feel for you because she is blaming you , when in fact she was at more risk mixing inside with a family with young children . And then she lied .

If I was you I would back right off , gradually , so she can’t blame you for a big row . Just ignore and concentrate on your own family unit .

Don’t have a row. Just don’t engage . If she rings you just keep it short and don’t ask her questions about her life .

I think what she has done is especially hurtful and her comments are rubbish .

@Ionlydomassiveones

I’m afraid I wouldn’t be tip-toeing politely around her excuses and lies. I’d be calling her out angrily on every single one. I’d be forensically spelling out what a bad mother and a terrible human being she was. The relationship is dead so it would give you a chance to get all the anger and resentment off your chest before you cut her out of your life forever. My DM isn’t quite as narcissistic but we’ve had our clashes over the years - I just won’t put up with her shit and will happily tell her. That’s why my DB is also the golden boy because he plays her game. I don’t.

The thing with that is she'll just turn it around and play the victim.

You don't ever win with people like that.

Op just disengage. Therapy would be good too. I've got a similar issue with my mother and it helped me work through it.

By way of warning, once you pull away she will try and drag you back in - expect comments such as 'are you not talking to be because of the meal?''are you still upset?' Light and breezy - be polite and fair but don't get dragged in either way. It will drive her mad but she can't then play the victim.

I am sorry you lost your mother nosquirels and my thread has been painful for you. I guess I do feel it is a grieving process of sorts, because I have lost my mother too, I could go and hug her now but she doesn't want that, so it hurts more than if she wasn't here to make such a horrible choice. I obviously would never wish she wasn't here, but we are both here and she still chooses to play games and waste whatever time we have left.

Yes I would stop bothering

Any if she says anything I would be pointing out her double standards using the example you shared

I long to feel that way, because it is hard being the one constantly giving to the children, giving to the pets, my parents, working, just always giving and giving....I would love to just sit and not have to do anything for a while beyond taking care of myself

On this specific point: I think this is a universal feeling amongst working (and not working) parents. Giving, giving, giving, also being taken for granted. People assuming you're always there to do what needs to be done, always there to absorb and handle needs.

Many people, for many different reasons, don't have parents to rely on to make things easier for time to time. We find other outlets to recharge, to get the succor and comfort we need. Perhaps you might look into doing the same. Your mother isn't the only possible source for this, that's a fact.

The sad thing is that many people will forever be wanting to be loved and cherished by their mother and there will come a time, perhaps when mother passes away that it was a waste of their life to be chasing something that was never going to happen.

You can’t help but think there must be something wrong with you, otherwise she would love and respect you, so you spend a lifetime hoping for a glimpse of the sunlight she shines on others whilst you are forever out in the cold.

Her mind was determined long ago and that is no reflection on you but her own inability to feel warmth in your direction. You may never know why, sometimes there is a jealousy between mother and daughter which is why we sometimes see mothers that are unkind to daughters are wonderful to their sons because there is no resentment in their eyes.

You can’t win a race that the other refuses to run in.

Build your life around your own children and love, respect and cherish them and bask in their glow instead of always being in the shadow that your mother has cast upon you.

If your children are so disengaged, did you pressure them to make gifts?

It sounds such an unhealthy dynamic for your children to witness.

Their mother demeaning herself, chasing after their vile grandmother?

I couldn't bear for my children to see this.

I think you need to step away from this vile woman, reclaim your self respect and seek therapy to help you process your awful childhood.

I cut contact with my parents 8 years ago due to this kind of thing and my life is a billion times better for it. My sister was always the golden child and still is. I hope she enjoys looking after my parents in their old age as I won't be!

Your mum sounds vile; manipulative, narcissistic and downright nasty. Your dad is just as bad for going along with it

It's hard, it's hurtful, it's upsetting

But walk away

You will feel better for it.

As a mum of adult children absolutely not. I would never do this. We do separate things/trips/holidays quite often but the other D.C. are always in the loop. Over the years some things have become traditional to do with one child or another (eg go to a particular steak restaurant with one DC, the veggie 2 opt out, I go to a dance show with another one and straight plays with the oldest) but even so it's always mentioned and the others know they are welcome too.

I can't believe how deceitful and spiteful your mum has been about this. It's very hurtful. I suppose I'm lucky that my mum was equally unpleasant to all of us - until everyone pulled away from her.

Your last long post was so sad. Please start putting yourself first occasionally. Go LC. Let your mum and brother crack on together. ( They probably won't have such a good time if she can't make a show of favouring him and he can't be smug about pushing you out. ). You sound lovely and you deserve much better than you are getting.

My children are adults. We do things with all of them, some of them, individuals as availability dictates for all sides and sometimes due to specific interests. Pretty much as it was for me and my siblings with my parents.

Its not normal to play "golden child", its fairly unpleasant with both parties play that gap and I'd not be expending efforts on either of them.

Live your own lives with the people who want to share time with you. Don't waste it on those who don't care. Don't teach your children that they must pander to spite and rejection simply because they share blood.

My own parents were far from perfect but they were very fair with time, money, support and visits.

DHs parents on the other hand have favourites and treat us accordingly. We have withdrawn a little and have totally lowered our expectations of them, resulting in us feeling resilient and less hurt. Long term it’s their loss.

My friends and immediate family have more then enough love, time and respect for me.

Also once you have a little distance and have lowered your expectations of them, you might eventually be able to see the humour in the situation. Mother and her 101 ways of avoidance.

Sounds like your db may be as responsible possibly manipulating and enabling her dependence on him.

If going nc is too painful then just massively reduced expectations. The lunch and balloons sounded lovely but maybe not her thing.

Just call and see her for a brief visit every so often so you save yourself the heartache of being estranged but leave it at that. Flying visits, no attempts to have family dos. It is sad op, you've every right to be annoyed and upset, just don't let it define you .

I haven’t read the full thread just yet but solely based on your original post, no YANBU and I would stop inviting her. A similar dynamic exists in my family also. I chose to stop wasting my time just over a year ago. My life is now peaceful with my mother initiating contact in regards to seeing me or having my little one over for the night. Protect your own mental health and peace of mind. You matter and you come first, even if not in her opinion. Set yourself free and do what is best for you and your family.

Quite often the golden child takes after the parents and relishes their golden child role.

I know my sister always has done! She was always unkind to me growing up and tried to get me into trouble, and as an adult she spoke to me like something she'd scraped off her shoe. She also always sided with my parents when they picked fault with me.

I have a similar mother. Very passive aggressive and my brother is the original golden child.

The things she has done over the years are distressing, I found out she paid for my brothers wedding, house deposit, childcare etc. Never gave me a penny, even when I bought my fist house and was so broke I didn't eat and had a car off the road.

She's been playing PA mind games for years, comments when she visits are always derogatory and rude. She nitpicks at anything less than perfect, she once came when old sofa was in the middle of the room awaiting collecting, couldn't stop going on about the inconvenience of it.

She refused to visit one Christmas when my kids were small, as she wasn't feeling Christmas that year... I didn't speak to her for 18 months after, (I had become quite pissed off with her) she contacted me eventually and was annoyed, apparently it was my turn to call her and I didn't...

I think a lot if it boils down to her believing daughters have a duty to contact mothers...I can't be arsed with all the mind games and have take a big step away.

She gave me a cheque for a couple of thousand pounds at xmas, and said she has given some money to my brother and wanted to give me some..I never cashed the cheque.(The damage she has done to my mental health over the years with her favouritism is shocking.) It's easier to stand on my own two feet and let her fester in what she's done.

Take a step away OP, it's easier long term. Concentrate on your own family, I have the most amazing relationship with my own children, learn from this. x