As a mother would you do this? AIBU

[Swayingpalmtrees]

My parents (late sixties) have been pretty much 'shielding' since March 2020 with very few exceptions. They are not CEV but feel worried about catching covid.

The exceptions however are ALWAYS to go to my brother's house, they do not visit anyone else inside (no other relatives, or their siblings etc) and have rarely been anywhere else since the pandemic started. My mother has anxiety and she is still terrified of covid (apart from to visit my brother, wife and family, who lives in C.London and uses the tube daily, small kids =high risk so not irrelevant)

My birthday fell on mothers day this year and I organised a family lunch, outside in the garden near their house at a small hotel so she would be comfortable, the weather was so nice and warm we were very lucky. My mum told me she couldn't come, cases were going up too fast she was too worried (even outside) I only made the lunch outside so she could come. It was heated, with blankets and covered just in case of rain and miles from anyone else - organised by the hotel GM. I was upset, but accepted her wishes to keep herself safe.

I have just found out she went to my brother's house the day before, inside his house for dinner with his extended family and she didn't tell me.

I am now coming to the conclusion she is using covid as an excuse not to see us: the back story is that he has always been the golden child, this was made public even when we were very young, it was a family joke it was so bad, but it is something I am used to. I didn't think she would take it this far though.

I now have no interest in organising to visit her again (this is happened more than once that she has been to see him but can't risk seeing anyone else)
Am I being unreasonable to stop bothering?

I feel I am wasting my time organising anything else in the future for her or with her. I feel a level of guilt as she tells me she is depressed and has anxiety so I worry it isn't kind to stop bothering, but it is very hurtful she can choose to 'risk' seeing my brother etc but can not 'risk' sitting outside with me on my birthday and mothers day.

It feels very deliberate.

I would 100% tell her and in writing, even if just an email so you have time to think about what you want to say. Then I would step completely back from her

I have done this before, what happens is she has a total meltdown and calls everyone in the family to see how awful I am, how much I have broken her. I can't run the risk again because she weaponises any discord and uses it as justification for her actions.

'no wonder we don't want to see swaying, shes always so difficult, look at this card she sent me. So ungrateful after everything I have done for her' or words to that effect.

If I say nothing she can't call me the aggressor.

But it leaves me feeling wounded and toothless, and oddly silenced.

I also know in my heart of hearts if she was reading this thread right now, there would be some satisfaction that she has hurt me, I can feel it.

And yet why enjoy hurting your kids?
I don't understand how she can be so spiteful and yet every text she sends is 'I love you to the moon and back' but then she does this. I never know where I am with her. I also don't believe the texts she sends about love when she treats me so badly.

It is gas lighting. Or feels that way.

How unkind of her. Really horrible behaviour. You need to let her go. Leave her to make the next contact and go from there.
Your plan was so lovely . I cannot imagine treating any of my children as she has treated you.

@Swayingpalmtrees

Can I ask sincerely do you think I am being a doormat? That is pretty strong. I am not usually a doormat :(

I was trying to give her a really nice day. Between us my dh only booked that particular hotel so we could organise this for her. He knew how much it would mean to me to see my mum. He is appalled, very very quietly appalled and spent all day trying to make it up to me but I still sat in the bathroom crying on my birthday and mothers day for longer than I should have done. I felt oddly abandoned. Ridiculous at 42 years old and told myself to get it together. Washed my face, fixed a smile for the kids as they were trying so hard.

Demeaning, feeling demeaned now it probably is becoming like that yes.

OP, you're not a doormat but I'm kindly saying you're acting like one. The most wonderful piece of advice I ever got was a family member telling me exactly the same thing about my own parents, that I was acting like one. Which I was.

Didn't make me a doormat to be acting like that, it made me realise I was lowering myself to try to be nice to people related to me who 100% didn't deserve it, and that I was making myself into a doormat when I shouldnt be. It was amazing advice. It kind of stung at the time but I've never forgotten it and it changed how I acted to them because I realised I was better than that.

There is no need to write to her, tell her or anything like that - as you said she would only cast herself as the victim, weaponise it against you and on some level, revel in the fact that she had got to you.

Just disengage. Stop trying to please her, stop hoping for it to be better, for her to actually show love through loving actions or that you’ll have a healthy and happy mother-daughter relationship. It isn’t going to happen.

It’s really shit and I understand why you felt so devastated that day.

I'm so sorry, OP. You were so considerate to plan the event around her concerns, but even if you weren't, she should want to see you!

I agree with reading Toxic Parents. Have you ever spoken with a therapist about it? Your workplace may offer free counseling through an employee assistance programme. You are not a doormat for feeling hurt by this--she has behaved appallingly. However, you can't change her; you can only change your level of engagement with her. A professional may be able to help you work through your plan for how to handle contact with her going forward (if any).

I'm so sorry, you sound lovely and deserve a mother who loves and supports you the way a mother should.

I think it warrants an open and frank conversation.

You sound like a really lovely and thoughtful person OP. I’m sorry your mother cannot see that

What does your brother make of it all? Do you have a good relationship with him?

If I were you, as sad as it is, I would cut my losses with her. Don’t go out of your way again to arrange something for her. Let her make the effort from now on. & if she never does, keep your head high and your dignity and spend time with people who actually appreciate you.

Sounds like she doesn’t care about you at all- walk away and feel not one second of ‘guilt’. Horrible behaviour from her. She has no one to blame but herself

@TheGlitterati

I think it warrants an open and frank conversation.

I think this is good advice for some personality types, but I have the suspicion the OPs parent is a flaming narcissist and talking would probably make it 100% worse for the OP.

Yes - OP already instinctively knows this. It will not help and it will be far more painful for OP.

Would she come to your house? I can sort of understand the twisted logic of going to someone's home being less risky than going to a "public" place, even an outdoors one that isn't busy (obviously she's wrong but I can see why she'd come to that conclusion).

That’s really shit OP, I’m sorry. Your plans sounded lovely and totally doable despite your mum's ‘fears’. I don’t believe they are completely true though, you cannot claim to be that frightened of Covid and spend so much time in close proximity to someone who isn’t isolating/being careful in any degree (using the tube and small children).

We had the same through covid, dh is one of four and very much the odd one out. We did a lot for elderly members of the family (dh’s grandparents), delivering shopping etc and we had to leave it on the doorstep (fair enough in the beginning) but as time went by we saw posts on Facebook of dh’s siblings and his parents and other family members all sitting together in the grandparents house having tea and cake, home delivered afternoon teas to celebrate occasions etc cuddling up with dh’s sister’s ds while ours still weren’t allowed in the garden to say hello.

It fucking hurts! No one else was delivering their shopping or collecting stuff they needed, just us mugs. We’ve always been pushed out and left to one side so I took a huge step back to save my own sanity. We’ve never had it from the grandparents though so this particularly stung.

My advice would be to step back though, I tried so hard for good relationships for a decade and it didn’t matter what I tried. I unfollowed everyone online as it just hurt too much to see what everyone else got up to without us and how ignored our children are. I feel better not having it in my face. I leave dh to the contact now. I was sick of trying with nothing in return. It is really horrible to experience but I thankfully have my mum, bro and sis and a wonderful best friend who is an amazing presence in our lives. I love her and her children to bits as she does mine, our chosen family.

Hope you are ok OP

I had ordered mothers day balloons for the table and bunting, she had a huge bouquet of flowers ready and presents from my children that were handmade. I wanted to spoil her (even though it was my birthday) because I recognised the last two years have been rubbish for her. I feel so so hurt.

Did you tell her this?

If you did and she simply didn't care, then I'm afraid I'd give up on her and leave her and golden boy to it.
I'm so sorry. You sound so caring and you're obviously really trying hard to build a relationship with her. You went to so much trouble for her. But it honestly sounds as though you need to draw a line under it, and get some counselling to help with the rejection.

Ah, OP. It sucks. It’s a horrible, horrible feeling.

It’s difficult to do but you need to see her as a woman who had children (you’re one of them), rather than as your mum.

By this, I mean cutting the cord. So painful and so difficult to do. But you need to see her as a random person with a personality, faults, weaknesses etc that she chooses to inflict on one or more people closest to her. If she doesn’t choose to inflict, she certainly doesn’t stop herself from inflicting.

She will have her reasons for doing this. Is she damaged and wounded herself? Maybe she’s wronged and feels traumatized. Maybe she’s just a perpetual victim, thinks she deserved better or something. Maybe she’s just a nasty person. Who knows, and ultimately it doesn’t matter. But she is a person with a past that you entered when she was in her 20s. She seems to prefer male attention or fawning attention from her male child, and she is comfortable in that groove and comfortable hurting you as her female child.

Bottom line, you have to give up on the idea of having the sort of mum you hope for and want. This is the mother you have. Life sucks. It’s shit. But you have to move on to accepting this and making your life nonetheless (because what’s the alternative?). You also have to be alert to her using you to feed herself: perhaps she needs to see you wounded to feel better herself. Some people only feel tall if they can make others small. Do you want to allow her to do that? Does it come at a cost to you?

It is awful. You shouldn’t be feeling this way. But shitty people can be parents too. You seem to have a shitty person for a mother. Sorry.

It wrecks your self-confidence and sense of worth when someone, who is supposed to love you, behaves in such an awful way.

My DM is similarly behaved. In the end, I realised there was no point telling her how upset and hurt I felt with her behaviour, because she would deflect and gaslight, and say I was imagining things. DM does not react in a logical way to any calm discussion, viewing it not as a chance to clear the air but rather as a personal attack. I gave up in my late 30s, and am happier sustaining minimal contact.

Your post is so sad. I don't understand why some parents would show such blatant favouritism. It's not fair on the 'less favoured' child and also on the 'golden' child because such behaviour drives a wedge between siblings. My parents treated me and my brother equally. As a result, my brother and I are close and have each other's backs.

I'm in a broadly similar but not quite so extreme situation.

My brother the golden child, Covid rules bent so they could see each other, and yet tightly upheld for my and my children.

It hurts, particularly when I know that she has missed so much time with her beautiful grandchildren but has actively chosen not to. It stings and is hugely upsetting.

My coping mechanism to to acknowledge it, it's just the way it is and nothing I do will stop it. Nothing I say will yield her to acknowledge it. So I accept it as a fact and somehow it's a bit less painful. I've also stopped asking her to things, kids assemblies, birthdays etc, stopped asking her to visit if she was interested she'd ask. Everytime I ask and am rebutted it's painful, so I stop asking.

Never will I ever do this to my own two wonderful children. I've made this vow.

I feel a level of guilt as she tells me she is depressed and has anxiety...

Tell goldenballs and let him deal with her...YANBU at all.

Write a letter if you need to, but don't send it. And then just step back and stop making an effort.

Does your dad have any say in all this?

If your Mother has form for this kind of behaviour, then I would not go organising special things for her, and then having to be upset about all things afterwards.. No point in falling out about this. Some people can be odd, or difficult in families.

OP, not all mothers are normal and loving. Nasty narcissistic bitches also have children, and enjoy manipulating them.
I think you need to grieve for the loss of the mother you never had - the normal, loving mother that you deserved, and that you are to your own DC. And accept that your own mother will never be that person nor will she admit to being in the wrong.
Reduce or cut contact, to protect your own mental wellbeing and that of your children. Refuse to play the victim in your mother’s sick games.
A therapist would help you work through any inappropriate guilt this might cause you, and help you get rid of any sense of obligation to this horrible woman. You can free yourself, and break the cycle, by being a great mum to the next generation. Go for it!

That's really horrible, and decidedly toxic. I continued a similar relationship with my father for many years, and it got so bad that I would literally shrivel knowing that he was around. In the end it really helped me to look at him as just another imperfect human, and to drop my expectations of what I thought a father should be. That way he could no longer disappoint and/or hurt me. I stopped trying to create a 'fantasy' relationship that it was impossible to forge alone.

Put your love and effort into people who appreciate it. Go that extra mile for people who would return the favour in your hour of need. You've tried alone and it's been fruitless. It's hard to accept, but once you succeed in emotionally distancing from her and your brother, you'll wonder why you ever hoped for things to be any different. Be courteous when required, but nothing more. As for what anyone else makes of it, if you must, remind them of the times when they recognised the imbalanced relationship and for them to consider how they'd feel in your shoes.

It is hurtful and no child deserves to be treated that way. You are an adult, and now's the time to step out of that role and concentrate on your own family and leave them to it, knowing that you won't be inflicting such pain on your own offspring.

In comparison to my previous post about my DM on this thread, a friend of mine had had problems with her mother, to the extent she went to therapy to figure out what to do. I assumed it would end with her cutting off her mother, but it didn't. Instead, she and her mother were able to speak openly and honestly with each other, and 2 years later, they have a closer and more loving relationship. This would be the goal if your DM was able to have this type of conversation. Do you think she would be?

I never know where I am with her.

That's what she wants. For whatever reason, she wants you to be jealous of and hurt by her relationship with her son.

I've only read your posts so I don't know if anyone else has mentioned that she sounds very narcissistic. She may have had mother or other issues growing up but that is no excuse for her behaviour - she is very aware of how she is making you feel. My advice to you is to stop letting her know her behaviour upsets you in any way. Grey rock. Distance yourself and concentrate on your own family.

The only people who benefit from that kind of toxicity are the perpetrators, let her turn on someone else. It's not your job to protect anyone else, just yourself and your family.

Does she have form for spoiling your birthdays?

Wow that's nasty!

As you say, it's really hard to comprehend.

Finding your brother easier to get on with & preferring his company (for example) is one thing, but declining an invitation after such an effort has been made to accommodate her is just a slap in the face.