As a mother would you do this? AIBU

[Swayingpalmtrees]

My parents (late sixties) have been pretty much 'shielding' since March 2020 with very few exceptions. They are not CEV but feel worried about catching covid.

The exceptions however are ALWAYS to go to my brother's house, they do not visit anyone else inside (no other relatives, or their siblings etc) and have rarely been anywhere else since the pandemic started. My mother has anxiety and she is still terrified of covid (apart from to visit my brother, wife and family, who lives in C.London and uses the tube daily, small kids =high risk so not irrelevant)

My birthday fell on mothers day this year and I organised a family lunch, outside in the garden near their house at a small hotel so she would be comfortable, the weather was so nice and warm we were very lucky. My mum told me she couldn't come, cases were going up too fast she was too worried (even outside) I only made the lunch outside so she could come. It was heated, with blankets and covered just in case of rain and miles from anyone else - organised by the hotel GM. I was upset, but accepted her wishes to keep herself safe.

I have just found out she went to my brother's house the day before, inside his house for dinner with his extended family and she didn't tell me.

I am now coming to the conclusion she is using covid as an excuse not to see us: the back story is that he has always been the golden child, this was made public even when we were very young, it was a family joke it was so bad, but it is something I am used to. I didn't think she would take it this far though.

I now have no interest in organising to visit her again (this is happened more than once that she has been to see him but can't risk seeing anyone else)
Am I being unreasonable to stop bothering?

I feel I am wasting my time organising anything else in the future for her or with her. I feel a level of guilt as she tells me she is depressed and has anxiety so I worry it isn't kind to stop bothering, but it is very hurtful she can choose to 'risk' seeing my brother etc but can not 'risk' sitting outside with me on my birthday and mothers day.

It feels very deliberate.

People want what they cant have. Leave her to it. Pretend not to notice, send a card in the post next time and celebrate with your own children. Theres no game to win if theres noone else playing.

I would definitely step back. You don't have to decide right now what that will look like you can figure it out as you go along.

I’ve been there too OP

My brother is the golden child. I spend years trying to get my mums attention but nothing I ever did was good enough. She’d pick fault in everything I did and made excuses for my brother (like when he forgot her birthday etc).

It hurt and made me feel shit for many years.

Fast forward to now, we are very low contact. I see her 2/3 times a year for an hour or so and we will exchange a few text messages each month. This suits me, she no longer upsets me as I have not given her the power to do it. I joke with DH and play bingo with the things she will do / say. She’s so predictable but it just goes over my head. She alternates between passive aggressive and being tearful.

Yes it’s hard at first, but the feeling of being free from it made me feel better. I decided to opt for sanity.

Sadly, your mum will not change but you can change how you respond to her.

Best of luck OP

@LittleOwl153

Very low contact is the way to go. Write that letter. But instead of posting it to her - set light to it. Drop it in the fire and let it go. Mourn the mother you'd hoped you had and let her go.

Don't contact her going forward, let her contact you. Brush off any contact she makes, leave her to it.

And remember when she needs ACTUAL care... golden boy can do that too.

I agree with every single word of this! Try some therapy, otherwise if she ever does need anyone to care for her, she will expect it to be you, your brother will be nowhere to be seen, so you will feel obligated and it will destroy you.

You sound so lovely, and I know you'll be hurting but if you step back you will feel better, it's all about self preservation. If she's on any social media, unfollow her so you don't see her posts, don't call her, and if she calls you, keep it short and formal, or tell her you're in the middle of something and you'll call her back when you're free. Take back the power and control.

Put your energy into you, as many have said, you sound so lovely & thoughtful. You will never know her motive for the preference of your sibling, but, there will be a time once you have stepped back that the void alarm bells will start ringing very loud. She will then be scratching her head thinking why oh why the change. Good luck and please leave darling brother and his family to pick up the slack to help care for her as she goes down the path of light. Good luck, be strong and happy.

@BoredZelda

I asked my own mum why she felt it appropriate to move house without telling me where she was moving to etc etc

The answer “well we were never that close” came back.

I can see how that would hurt, but when my brother, who I had spent 30 years trying to get approval from and working hard to keep a relationship with him, announced to a room full of people that we didn’t get on, it was like a weight was lifted. We are really LC now, I don’t feel obliged to do anything with him, or go to any of his events, or to be the one who keeps the peace when he is complete wanker to me or my daughter. We were invited to his 50th, and to chip in for his big present and I could easily respond with a “no thanks’ The last ten years have been way better for me. I realise it is a different relationship than that of a mother, but we are a really close family.

Thanks @BoredZelda, up to that point I’d thought we WERE close.

Then the scales fell from my eyes, her and my dsis had done so much to hurt me, I’d not even appreciated what they’d done until that point, I have never been so rocked to my core.

But now I have VLC with sis and Nc with my exDM.

Life’s better when you give up at the point where it’s clear you’re never going to win/exist.

When you grow up in this dynamic you don’t see the signs, it was the comments of others that brought most home.

It does still cross my mind that I must be an awful person to have such treatment, but then I remember that it’s because they’re awful people at their cores and I’m not, which is why they went to such lengths to hurt me. Well they have lost their feed now, I dropped the rope.

But yea, back to @Swayingpalmtrees, rise up love, you’re in great company with us and we know you’re wonderful, your h and kids know, and that means you’re good enough

@Swayingpalmtrees

Quite often the golden child takes after the parents and relishes their golden child role

^this, he could not be happier! He was always very competitive so won hands down from birth it seems. My mother used to call him a genius, genuinely - her very own her milky boy child. And he basks non stop, there is no way he feels pressure, any problems he is immediately on the phone for money (my mother has given him tens of thousands over the years secretly) He doesn't mind that she fusses over him, sits back and lets her crack on. I don't need to go into it, I just need to get over it. I have had an amazing life with a lovely family of my own, loyal and steadfast friends and I am proud of who I am, and how I turned out having parented myself pretty much! Not a bad job at all given I had no handbook It is their loss, it truly is. As is the case for all of us that haven't mothers that could care, but choose not to.

I can so relate to this. It hurts so much but you’ve come out the other side a better and stronger person. Good on you!

@Swayingpalmtrees

Can I ask sincerely do you think I am being a doormat? That is pretty strong. I am not usually a doormat :(

I was trying to give her a really nice day. Between us my dh only booked that particular hotel so we could organise this for her. He knew how much it would mean to me to see my mum. He is appalled, very very quietly appalled and spent all day trying to make it up to me but I still sat in the bathroom crying on my birthday and mothers day for longer than I should have done. I felt oddly abandoned. Ridiculous at 42 years old and told myself to get it together. Washed my face, fixed a smile for the kids as they were trying so hard.

Demeaning, feeling demeaned now it probably is becoming like that yes.

I think you're searching for what you give your children. And you'll sadly never get it from your mother

I think you should quietly distance yourself from her and your brother (where is your father in all this?).Nothing dramatic. Just don't be available

And when she needs something or someone she'll have Golden Boy to call on

This desperate attempt to keep trying to get what you never had is very very common. The child in you is trying to get what you never had. Been there, done that. I am still doing it. At some point you have to accept that your mother will never change. Will never be able to meet that need, fill that howling gaping hole. There’s no point in trying to understand why or how. Minimise contact, protect yourself and hold your head high.

Hope, it's always hope that keeps us trying.

Oh I know that, it was hope that kept me going with my brother. But as adults we are also responsible for our own emotions and there comes a point where we have to recognise that despite our actions over the years, nothing has changed and we end up disappointed over and over again. For me the point was a throwaway comment from by brother at a party when he was drunk. Hopefully for the OP, this will be the catalyst to taking steps to recognise she needs to stop trying to make a broken relationship work.

So so sorry to read your thread. You sound lovely.

Your horrible mother doesn't deserve you. Look after yourself and walk away.

Well, I’m sorry to say, but your mother is a bitch.

You are worth so much more than she is willing to give you.

Please go low contact and don’t let her ruin any more special days

This is all about power.

She has the power to hurt you and she knows it by the way you run around after her.
She enjoys hugely the dynamic of your efforts and her swatting you away.
She enjoys the humiliation of cancelling 15 hours beforehand.

Take her power away by not contacting her.
By not responding to her.
By not chasing her.

When you do this you will see she is a sad old woman who's life will never be missed by anyone.

So sorry for the painful position you're in, with an unloving mother. unloving mother- it should be a paradox. I agree with all the step away suggestions. Expect and seek nothing from this relationship. But perhaps find family and community in good friendships and create memories and new habits with close friends. And in future, be busy and unavailable on Mother's Day. Spend the day celebrating with your children the mother you are, doing something fun and lavish. Your mother does not deserve your headspace or grief for her selfishness.

Sorry to hear about this OP. My PIL are similar, can't properly see their grandkids because covid, yet they can visit the garden centre and go to hotels etc

Anyway this is a classic case of the son being the golden child and the lovely daughter being treated like crap and you just know you're the one who will end up being expected to be her carer one day when she needs help. Even then she'll insult you and when your brother turns up she'll light up. I don't know why this happens but it's a tale as old as time and it's not your fault. You sound like a daughter any mum should cherish and love to spend time with.

Get her out of your head. Upsetting but he can look after her when she's sick. Hurrah!

I'm sorry you didn't get the mother you deserve

Your children are indifferent to her and that speaks volumes. If I were you I'd work on going low contact and treat her with indifference.

Be cordial and polite as though she was an acquaintance. Don't call her first, arrange to see her and from now on she only gets an impersonal, obligatory card sent on mother's day, birthday and Christmas. Grey rock her. Don't tell her things and just focus your energy on your own children and your husband's side of the family (if you get along).

Be prepared for fallout though. When the scapegoat steps away the dynamics of the family change. Your mum and brother enjoy hurting you and won't want you to see your worth and for things to change.

Best of luck to you

@Swayingpalmtrees

It feels like she is playing some kind of game, I can't explain it, but it feels wilful and using special family occasions to do it.

I had ordered mothers day balloons for the table and bunting, she had a huge bouquet of flowers ready and presents from my children that were handmade. I wanted to spoil her (even though it was my birthday) because I recognised the last two years have been rubbish for her. I feel so so hurt.

Bless you, you went out of your way to make your mother feel special and not only has she thrown it back in your face with what turns out to be a flimsy excuse, she's brazenly lied to you! I'm not surprised your so hurt. Please know though, that this is her fault, not yours! It's apparent that you're a loving daughter but she doesn't know how lucky she is and certainly seems not to deserve you! As you can tell, I'm angry on your behalf! As other posters have said, this is sadly not uncommon and it does seem your DM has made a scapegoat of you and a golden child of your DB! This is such a common dynamic because there are so many dysfunctional, toxic families and there are reams and reams of studies, documents and books about it. Please read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward and go onto the "We took you to stately homes" thread, as other PPs have advised. You are far from alone in being treated like this and many find it very, very helpful. Meanwhile, back right off from your DM. Don't give her so much as one more chance to hurt you like that again and let your DB have her, she's no loss to you! I wish you all the very best OP and remember, it's not your fault in any way, shape or form! What she has done to you is bang out of order and she has form! The problem is ALL her!

I am actually really surprised that everyone is telling OP that her mother is so vindictive. She was worried about covid and the party was at a hotel!! Yes some people aren't so rational about covid but it is true that she could have turned up to a huge crowd. People choose to go some places and not others. She's obviously willing to take the risk at dbs but not at a hotel full of strangers. Sorry for all of you that have had bad experiences but the views here need to be noted as extreme especially if you've never had health worries.

@CurlyhairedAssassin

OP, you sound like such a throughly good and decent person, and from what I can see it's your mum that's missing out, not you. It is time to steer clear of her because she will just cause you hurt and you don't deserve that.

As someone reading the thread as a bystander it's easy for us to think that we would have asked her what the difference was between COVID risk in your brother's house and COVID risk outside in a hotel garden. And when she gives a lame excuse to pick her up on it and say "come on, Mum, you and I both know that's a total nonsense - what is the REAL reason you can go to my brother's house but not see me and my family?" But when there are strong feelings and emotions in the mix it's far too hard to do that, plus I guess you'd risk feeling more hurt if she gave an answer that you didn't like.

Images of mother figures are so prominent in our culture. From films and television, and including both dramatic pieces and documentaries. But usually they are portrayed as two extremes, aren't they? At one end is the Hallmark mum. Perfect Mum, loving and giving, wanting to be the doting grandparent, wanting to do the girlie lunches with her daughter etc. At the other end is the wicked abusive neglectful type, often seen in the news in cases of child abuse.

In real life most of us fall somewhere towards the first type - trying our best, loving our kids so much but knowing we're not always perfect. But some mothers will be nearer the other abusive end. Not obviously abusive, not many outsiders would notice. But they do real damage to their offspring's emotional wellbeing as they leave them questioning why they aren't the perfect Hallmark mum like everyone else seems to have, and is it something in them that means their mum doesn't respond to them like that?

Just accept that your mum is towards the abusive end of the mum spectrum and adjust your feelings, expectations and behaviour accordingly. Imagine that your friend was telling you this stuff - you would be giving advice in how she should back off from trying to please her mother, I'm sure. She'd be asking you what your mum did for YOU on your birthday.

Lastly, if your mother is prone to spreading horrible things to the wider family making you out to be difficult, I think you were very controlled not to post a picture on FB of you all sat at the Mothers' Day table, with the caption "Can you spot who's missing?" or something, with a laughing face. Every time there's an occasion where your mother has let you down and not turned up, post a photo on FB saying "having a lovely time with the family, shame some of us were not able to make it". People will get the picture. They WILL notice that she never turns up to these things.

This is very good advice @Swayingpalmtrees

@stayathomer

I am actually really surprised that everyone is telling OP that her mother is so vindictive. She was worried about covid and the party was at a hotel!! Yes some people aren't so rational about covid but it is true that she could have turned up to a huge crowd. People choose to go some places and not others. She's obviously willing to take the risk at dbs but not at a hotel full of strangers. Sorry for all of you that have had bad experiences but the views here need to be noted as extreme especially if you've never had health worries.

Did you read the full thread? Covid is the excuse here for a variety of, at best, unhealthy behaviours.

@Swayingpalmtrees the best advice I heard on toxic parents was to stop looking for their approval in order to find your own freedom.

You don't need it. I know you want it and it feels right that you should have it, but it likely isn't going to come.

I'm sorry your mum has been so hurtfully unequal in her attentions.

It will take a while for you to recover from this. But you will.

When you do I would never engage with her again. Your DB can listen to the moaning, sort shit out, all of it including her elder care.

@stayathomer

I am actually really surprised that everyone is telling OP that her mother is so vindictive. She was worried about covid and the party was at a hotel!! Yes some people aren't so rational about covid but it is true that she could have turned up to a huge crowd. People choose to go some places and not others. She's obviously willing to take the risk at dbs but not at a hotel full of strangers. Sorry for all of you that have had bad experiences but the views here need to be noted as extreme especially if you've never had health worries.

But it wasn’t in a hotel it was out in the garden a long way from any one else.

If dm is ok mixing with young children and people who have been mixing on public transport then the excuse of Covid to not sit on their own in a hotel garden doesn’t make sense. Either she is frightened of Covid or not. You can’t have it both ways