As a mother would you do this? AIBU

[Swayingpalmtrees]

My parents (late sixties) have been pretty much 'shielding' since March 2020 with very few exceptions. They are not CEV but feel worried about catching covid.

The exceptions however are ALWAYS to go to my brother's house, they do not visit anyone else inside (no other relatives, or their siblings etc) and have rarely been anywhere else since the pandemic started. My mother has anxiety and she is still terrified of covid (apart from to visit my brother, wife and family, who lives in C.London and uses the tube daily, small kids =high risk so not irrelevant)

My birthday fell on mothers day this year and I organised a family lunch, outside in the garden near their house at a small hotel so she would be comfortable, the weather was so nice and warm we were very lucky. My mum told me she couldn't come, cases were going up too fast she was too worried (even outside) I only made the lunch outside so she could come. It was heated, with blankets and covered just in case of rain and miles from anyone else - organised by the hotel GM. I was upset, but accepted her wishes to keep herself safe.

I have just found out she went to my brother's house the day before, inside his house for dinner with his extended family and she didn't tell me.

I am now coming to the conclusion she is using covid as an excuse not to see us: the back story is that he has always been the golden child, this was made public even when we were very young, it was a family joke it was so bad, but it is something I am used to. I didn't think she would take it this far though.

I now have no interest in organising to visit her again (this is happened more than once that she has been to see him but can't risk seeing anyone else)
Am I being unreasonable to stop bothering?

I feel I am wasting my time organising anything else in the future for her or with her. I feel a level of guilt as she tells me she is depressed and has anxiety so I worry it isn't kind to stop bothering, but it is very hurtful she can choose to 'risk' seeing my brother etc but can not 'risk' sitting outside with me on my birthday and mothers day.

It feels very deliberate.

@Swayingpalmtrees

I would 100% tell her and in writing, even if just an email so you have time to think about what you want to say. Then I would step completely back from her

I have done this before, what happens is she has a total meltdown and calls everyone in the family to see how awful I am, how much I have broken her. I can't run the risk again because she weaponises any discord and uses it as justification for her actions.

'no wonder we don't want to see swaying, shes always so difficult, look at this card she sent me. So ungrateful after everything I have done for her' or words to that effect.

If I say nothing she can't call me the aggressor.

But it leaves me feeling wounded and toothless, and oddly silenced.

I think in some families people try and try to make their parents love them and they get hurt over and over.

It is great if other family members notice but ultimately you can’t change who your mother is. You can only change the response you have to her.

Any words you use will be used against you so it silences you and she knows this.

However there is a difference between silence and being silenced

It is not toothless to step away. You don’t need to say anything. Just don’t be available when she calls.
If she sends round her flying monkeys then explain that you were hurt by her choice of only seeing your brother whilst Covid is around and as Covid is going to be around for many years to come then you thought she was effectively ending your relationship
I would point out that if a table in a garden away from other people was not acceptable but indoor dining with Tube users and small children was it didn’t leave anything to be interpreted any other way.

Stride into obscurity and leave her and your brother to it.

Also be very aware if at any stage they get back in touch then it will be because they want something.

Probably to look after your mother in her twilight years.

My DM also has health anxiety around Covid and I would say that some of her decisions aren't entirely rational or logical.

So we weren't allowed to visit for 10 days after we had visitors at Christmas- even though we were happy to take tests - but she was ok with us all coming up after that even though DS was back at school and in contact with far more people than our visitors who were either retired or wfh or on disability benefits and hardly ever go out.

I don't know anything about the golden child thing though as I'm an only.

She sounds a bit like my mum. She's not gone ANYWHERE with my 7yr old daughter since she was born and is terrified of covid so that's been the excuse since March 2020. Yet whenever her friends all meet up at Wetherspoons she's there! If I dare to point out the hypocrisy, I immediately get accused of begrudging her "One little lunch in a pub with her friends she hardly sees"

I have a friend in a very similar situation but it’s her son playing games. He’s definitely using Covid as an excuse to avoid her, but will do other things that are more ‘risky’.
You mother doesn’t deserve you. I would back right off and leave her to her favourite son.

How very hurtful.
Sadly, you are never going to win.
Your brother will always be the favourite, and his children too.

All you can do is to guard your heart.
Don’t make special arrangements to see her.
And don’t feel you have to listen to her excuses, far less validate them. Just cut her short, tell her you are fed up with her behaviour, but you accept that is the way she is, so you want to move on. No point in any further discussion.

Make sure she knows how her actions hurt you and grandchildren. Every single time..

@Hobnobswantshernameback

I have been non contact with my mother for almost a decade after years of similar treatment op Step away It's liberating

I walked out on mine at age 21. I was made out to be a totally useless daughter who made her life a misery.

I don’t think her life improved when I left.
The problem was with her not me. She drove me away only to find the problems were still there. I just wasn’t there to be the verbal punching bag any more.

The only way to win is to not play.

I had to do this with my mother 20 years ago...around the time her own mother died, my mother started to try with the whole 'pitting the children against each other' bollocks, involving me and my older brother. My older brother was the 'winner' I was the 'loser'...all based on how much money we made, what type of house we owned...even down to who was married/not married. Her own mother had done it all her life with her 9 children.

I refused to participate, made it clear that I was happy as I was and wasn't going to be jumping through any hoops to try and keep up with my brother. I tried keeping in touch with my brother once my mother had gone back to our home country, but it was so one sided I gave that up, too. I'm now glad both live on the other side of the world, if they were here I know my mother would favour seeing my brother over me.

There's barely a week goes by when I don't wish I had a 'normal' family dynamic...but then I just remember that I don't, I'm not going to, and for the sake of my own mental health I need to concentrate my energies on the people who actually care and are there for me.

What feels more powerful is to give up, and say I have tried and it is a non starter. As from said so eloquently ""some questions don't need answers anymore" I have my answer don't I. I am not a priority, I wasn't as a small child and I am not now. And all the balloons, love and care in the world is not going to change it. A bitter pill to swallow.

I have been on MN for years (name change for this) and so know about the narc thing, I did look into it and suspect she is a covert introverted narcissist, she is always needing to be the poor victim. It is very hard to deal with, as she demands attention and everyone else to make up for her life, disappointment and if you don't she will turn it back on you.

I am sure she hopes I will get upset and create some kind of drama, this will just be feeding straight into her narrative that he is the better child, and she made the right decision. I am not giving her the satisfaction of being hurt or injured.

I am going to look after myself for once, and get over this and quietly shut the door. I am keeping a copy of this thread so I don't weaken in time. I don't ask anything of her, I have always been the giver in our relationship - and it stops today. I am fortunately going to Devon tomorrow and I can turn off my phone and forget about her. I don't think I will have time to ring at Easter either. Two guesses where she will be, and I would rather not know.

@Swayingpalmtrees

It feels like she is playing some kind of game, I can't explain it, but it feels wilful and using special family occasions to do it.

I had ordered mothers day balloons for the table and bunting, she had a huge bouquet of flowers ready and presents from my children that were handmade. I wanted to spoil her (even though it was my birthday) because I recognised the last two years have been rubbish for her. I feel so so hurt.

Do you feel you were over compensating to get her attention?

She doesn’t deserve it

This sounds really upsetting for you OP, I think it can be really hard when we are nice people ourselves to understand why others would be dreadful.

To remind you exactly how reasonable you're being: as I wrote this post there were 479 votes on the poll, and 100% said YANBU.

@diddl In response to your question, I posted a longer message earlier which also applies to when a Mother leaves a child, which is my own experience.

Experiencing similar here. I've realised that my sister will always be the golden child, and I will always be a scapegoat.
I was drawn into being blamed for something DM did solely on her own in the family chat this week and it felt scary but very good to politely but firmly stand up for myself and call her out on her attempt to put the blame on me. So what will happen now is that she'll turn herself into the victim here and send her flying monkeys to tell me. Years of conditioning means that I'm supposed to feel terribly guilty for her being upset and apologise.

It's taken me years to get to this point but I'm fucked if I can do it any more. But this time I will not run to soothe her feelings. I have nothing to apologise for. I was not rude. I wasn't even uncivil. She can't even rewrite the narrative because what she wrote and what I wrote on the family chat is there for the rest of them to see in black and white.

So where do I go from here? Like you, I don't know. But I know I am done emotionally investing in someone who's total sum of investment in me was birthing me.

Oh OP this is so unkind and hurtful of her. I just can’t comprehend any mum treating her DD like this. Just awful.

For your own sanity you need to step away from her. You’ve tried your best, surround yourself with love from your lovely DH and teens. It’s her loss 💐

You don't need ro put labels on it, or try to justify what she did, she is not a nice person, and neither is your brother or anyone else who has enabled her treating you this way over the years.

Just know you did nothing wrong, she did.

You sound v caring, take the energy and invest it into people who don't make you feel like this.

Also counselling helped me with a very similar scenario, so would always recommend.

That's awful. No, I'd not do that to my dcs.

I think a lot of people have been using covid as an excuse not to do things they don't like. So sad that includes her own dad's birthday lunch

I'd step away.

Dd's*

I think in some families people try and try to make their parents love them and they get hurt over and over

It was Einstein I think who said: The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.

You try and try because some small part of you simply can't accept that the one person on earth that is supposed to love you unconditionally is your mother.
And when you have to face the facts it is a pain like none before. A rejection like none before. It is the very definition of rejection, and it shatters your self esteem and confidence, and you are left wondering how anyone can love you, if the one person that made you, knows you like no one else and should love you without hesitation if she can't accept and love you then who will?

So you find yourself holding on to the broken shards of your self esteem like a broken ornament frantically gluing it together, and hoping people won't notice the cracks. Or if they do, they won't notice just how huge the cracks are...because they might decide to leave as well. It is very hard to live with. You feel broken a lot of the time, because there is no life support, no parent, no safety net even though you apparently have two living parents somewhere.

And it is fucking awful to do to a child over and over again. Playing with their love for you, playing with their feelings and then cutting them dead.

Your mum is being so horrible. So tough for you to deal with.

I think stepping back quietly and living a good life is the only remedy. Things will get better for you as you start to let go. It will take time though x

Do you feel you were over compensating to get her attention?

I was trained a long time ago to over compensate it was never enough to just be me. So the balloons etc are part of a pattern of overcompensation to make up for who I am. I am aware of it. She now expects it too, so not easy to unwind.

It’s sad that you went to all that trouble but you have to accept that she won’t change and back off as much as you can and be rewarded in life with your own family as she doesn’t add any joy to your life and makes you feel like shit.

Tell her how hurt you are about her outright favouritism towards your brother and her shoddy treatment towards you, Also tell her to see her doctor about her anxiety.

I find myself thinking of a new business idea like rent a mum, where you can pay to have a loving maternal figure that stands up for you, cares about you and is on your side. I would love a mother figure,

I crave that comfort of having someone to take the reins abit, a big bear hug and a cup of tea (As I imagine it) like an old pair of cosy slippers. I long to feel that way, because it is hard being the one constantly giving to the children, giving to the pets, my parents, working, just always giving and giving....I would love to just sit and not have to do anything for a while beyond taking care of myself. I am so tired of it, so at least it will be one less draining my life blood.

She is already on meds for anxiety, she said they are working....

@MzHz Oh how awful

Bloody hell. If she was so anxious about it surely she could have just got everyone to do a quick covid test before arrival (although
This would bug me too)
She couldn’t be arsed and to treat you like that on your birthday is awful.
Just don’t visit you deserve better. She has cut her nose off to spite her face here