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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fussy eaters and expensive restaurants

202 replies

PacificState · 08/04/2022 08:39

I know Mumsnet hates fussy eaters so here goes...

DP's family have two birthday celebrations coming up. For each, a fancy restaurant has been booked. Me and DP said we'd go.

Restaurant 1 (£100 per person without booze) has four choices for starters and mains. I really don't fancy any of them although I could probably make myself eat the veggie options.

Restaurant 2 (also £100) the same except in this case I really don't fancy the veg option either!

We've asked R2 (fancy gastropub) if we can have something from the bar menu instead (while still paying their super special £100 fancy price) and they said... no?? Great customer service guys, well done.

Anyway I've had a sulk and decided I have to go, having said we would, and we need to learn a lesson about not saying 'yes' without checking menus. Will be £400 between us down the drain on food neither of us want. (Affordability - it won't kill us but good god I'd like to spend the £400 on something else!)

I'd be very happy to do the legwork to find more inclusive restaurants in the future but two of the family group, including one of the oldest, really love this sort of super-expensive fancy restaurant experience and are likely to be a bit sneery about anything we suggest. (I don't mean a Harvester by the way! I'm not that fussy - I like Vietnamese and Thai and Italian and Chinese and Indian and fusion and Italian etc etc - just not rare meat, which is de rigeur in the places they choose, and not that keen on fish or seafood).

So. What do we do in future? Do we offer to find somewhere else? Or just politely say we don't fancy anything on the menu so won't come/meet them for coffee or something afterwards? These are big family events so don't want to be a dog in the manger (and the people involved are lovely and good fun to be with). But spending this money on food I hate is making me very, very grumpy indeed...

PS I've said 'we' throughout because DP has roughly the same objections that I do but is more likely to go along with it forever while quietly sulking afterwards. I'm the one who is heading for a tantrum
PPS Yes I know these are incredibly expensive restaurants and this is a first world problem. Family of high earners - not including me!

OP posts:
CharityShopChic · 08/04/2022 08:42

I'd be very happy to do the legwork to find more inclusive restaurants in the future

So really you mean that you'd be happy to find something to suit YOU, rather than going to somewhere what everyone else is happy with?

OutingHobby · 08/04/2022 08:45

If its his family he needs to decide really. Can he not have an honest conversation with them and say he knows you're both a pain but you hate fancy dining and paying for food you can't eat

Hoppinggreen · 08/04/2022 08:50

Not “fancying” anything on the menu is very different to not being able to eat anything on the menu.
Your choice is to go and enjoy the company rather than the food or not go. I am not without sympathy as I believe as adults we should be able to choose what we eat most of the time BUT when it’s a group meal and the majority of the group want to go to a certain place you either suck it up or don’t go.
You can suggest somewhere else for next time but again, it will probably be a majority decision

Original poster
PacificState · 08/04/2022 08:51

@CharityShopChic er yeah I suppose so? What a monster I am, I don't know how I live with myself.

When it's our birthdays and we do these meals we've managed to find places that everyone seems happy with. Maybe they're not and being polite (as we have been over the years). This is a biiiiiig family so for every one of mine and DP's birthdays there are four of five of these super-expensive restaurants we don't like!

OP posts:
IwaswhoIam · 08/04/2022 08:52

I think it needs to be the choice of the family . If you are not super super picky then I’m sure you will find something you will like 🤞.I’ve sat down at places like these and thought there was nothing appealing on the menu , ordered whatever , and was pleasantly surprised. Even if you hate it you’ll feel better about yourself for being there for a family celebration.

DropYourSword · 08/04/2022 08:52

What kind of places are they choosing where you can't select to have medium or, shudder, well done

Original poster
PacificState · 08/04/2022 08:55

I'm happy to not go in the future - DP will probably still go. Was just wondering if there was a canny third option somewhere or if anyone had had a situation like this and resolved it without annoying everyone.

DP's mum (who is lovely) will be upset if everyone isn't there, she loves having everyone together, including me, bless her cotton socks.

OP posts:
Thatswhyimacat · 08/04/2022 08:55

Thing is, if these are older relatives then Vietnamese or Thai might be more divisive among the group, and Italian not as special? I sympathise but surely not everything on the menu is rare meat - chicken for example?

If it's not your occasion then sorry but you don't really get to be fussy and insist people go only where you like.

Obelisk · 08/04/2022 08:56

Why can’t you choose how you have your meat cooked?

Original poster
PacificState · 08/04/2022 08:57

@DropYourSword yeah sorry I am a 'well done. No, I mean burn it, seriously' sort of person. No chicken on either menu, chicken is usually my safe space in these situations!

To be clear, I don't want to force anyone to go anywhere - my q is how to I get out of going next time without being a pain. But maybe there isn't a way to do it.

OP posts:
stuntbubbles · 08/04/2022 08:58

I'd be very happy to do the legwork to find more inclusive restaurants in the future
Aside from the price, how are these restaurants not “inclusive”? They all have meat, seafood, vegetarian, presumably cater around allergies, have disability access, etc. Or is it the price issue, which is huge, that you mean by not inclusive?

You need to remember it’s not your birthday! On your birthday, you can choose a restaurant with a menu you like, and other people can come along and eat food that perhaps wouldn’t be their first choice. On their birthday, they choose a restaurant they like, and you go along and eat things that aren’t your first choice.

I do think the expense is eyewatering, particularly right now, and it’s a bit tone deaf of them to suggest it if you’re not a high earner.

Original poster
PacificState · 08/04/2022 08:59

@Obelisk I can try that (and maybe I will in this case) but in my experience these super fancy places are really, really snotty about doing well-done meat and usually just don't - they bring it black on the outside and still bleeding inside. It's like they want to punish you for having poor taste.

OP posts:
SnowyPetals · 08/04/2022 08:59

As long as it's not a very frequent thing, I would just go. You can afford it, and the restaurant is their choice. It would be different if, say, you had a particular allergy and there were no options for you, but in this instance it's just not food you would choose.

Original poster
PacificState · 08/04/2022 09:01

@stuntbubbles yes it's the cost that makes me grumpy. If it was £40 a head I'd suck it up, honest. But this costs me maybe £600 across the year? Which is veering into 'seriously, this is stupid' territory for me.

But I will take the verdict of the MN jury, which seems to be 'go and shut up' at the moment

OP posts:
Teeturtle · 08/04/2022 09:01

No you don’t offer to find somewhere else just because you are a fussy eater and can’t find anything on a menu with four choices, which is a perfectly normal number of choices in any fine dining restaurant. Very self centred of you to expect your complex dining needs to come before everybody else.

HeddaGarbled · 08/04/2022 09:03

Posh restaurants tend to really mean with the meat portion sizes but do fabby veg and sauces and puddings, in my experience, so you can still have a nice meal even if you don’t much fancy the meat options.

SuperheroBirds · 08/04/2022 09:03

Isn’t the restaurant normally the choice of the person whose birthday it is? If it was my birthday I wouldn’t be delighted at being asked to swap from my choice to yours, but I’d happy go to somewhere Vietnamese or Thai for your birthday even if it wasn’t my preference.
If you enjoy the company and want to build rather than damage relationships, I’d just go and consider the money spent on the evening as a whole (a good time, good conversation, etc) rather than focusing on the food.

Shiningpath · 08/04/2022 09:05

A lot of nice places have very seasonal menus. Unless you’re talking about going this weekend or next, the food on offer could be quite different.

I think generally YABU. You can pick to go where you like when it’s your birthday, anniversary l, whatever, just as the options for the two upcoming celebrations probably suit the people who are being celebrated.

Ginajo · 08/04/2022 09:06

I think if it's your birthday then it's fine that you get to choose, but if the celebration is for someone else then you go with what they like.

Ragwort · 08/04/2022 09:06

Actually no I wouldn't go ... but I can't really imagine the situation where someone chooses such an expensive and exclusive restaurant and expects everyone to pay for it. In our family the host would pick up the bill so even if I didn't like it much at least I wasn't paying ... or we celebrate at home - is that an option?

Original poster
PacificState · 08/04/2022 09:07

Ok I hear you all. And I have to go? (In future I mean - these two we're already committed to and will go.)

OP posts:
stuntbubbles · 08/04/2022 09:07

[quote PacificState]@stuntbubbles yes it's the cost that makes me grumpy. If it was £40 a head I'd suck it up, honest. But this costs me maybe £600 across the year? Which is veering into 'seriously, this is stupid' territory for me.

But I will take the verdict of the MN jury, which seems to be 'go and shut up' at the moment [/quote]
I’m on your side with the cost, honestly! And I like ridiculously fancy, “here is a sliver of rare meat and a single strand of rocket with a tuile and a jus and a foam” type places, and fussy people annoy me (sorry!). The only food I don’t like is stinky cheese, so my equivalent would be “I don’t want to spend £600 on cheese, I want to spend it on X”.

But I think it’s all part of the social contract: we’d all rather spend all our money on only the things we want and like… but then we probably wouldn’t have any friends. How about reframing the £600 in your head from “But that’s £600 on food I didn’t enjoy that could have been a new whatever” to “£600 a year on socialising with DP’s lovely family and making lovely MIL delighted we were all together”. Think of it as the cost of doing business; only it’s the cost of doing family.

UsernameA1B2 · 08/04/2022 09:08

If the family member is a high earner and they are choosing a very expensive restaurant and they are wanting you to go surely they should pay? 100 pounds for a meal is out of range of alot of people's budget especially at the moment

tfresh · 08/04/2022 09:09

Why don't you just try something new on the menu? A lot of these options that don't sound that nice, will often be delicious.

Obviously you don't have to, but given you're posting here I assume you're older than 6, so maybe it's time to try something new?

Original poster
PacificState · 08/04/2022 09:09

@Ragwort it's seriously a huge family, with wine the bill will be maybe £2k+? So we all pay for ourselves. (It's so much cheaper when I choose 😂)

I'd be happy to do it at home, I'd even be happy to do the cooking, but I think the super-fancy vibe is part of the appeal for the others.

OP posts: