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AIBU?

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Original poster

Fussy eaters and expensive restaurants

202 replies

PacificState · 08/04/2022 08:39

I know Mumsnet hates fussy eaters so here goes...

DP's family have two birthday celebrations coming up. For each, a fancy restaurant has been booked. Me and DP said we'd go.

Restaurant 1 (£100 per person without booze) has four choices for starters and mains. I really don't fancy any of them although I could probably make myself eat the veggie options.

Restaurant 2 (also £100) the same except in this case I really don't fancy the veg option either!

We've asked R2 (fancy gastropub) if we can have something from the bar menu instead (while still paying their super special £100 fancy price) and they said... no?? Great customer service guys, well done.

Anyway I've had a sulk and decided I have to go, having said we would, and we need to learn a lesson about not saying 'yes' without checking menus. Will be £400 between us down the drain on food neither of us want. (Affordability - it won't kill us but good god I'd like to spend the £400 on something else!)

I'd be very happy to do the legwork to find more inclusive restaurants in the future but two of the family group, including one of the oldest, really love this sort of super-expensive fancy restaurant experience and are likely to be a bit sneery about anything we suggest. (I don't mean a Harvester by the way! I'm not that fussy - I like Vietnamese and Thai and Italian and Chinese and Indian and fusion and Italian etc etc - just not rare meat, which is de rigeur in the places they choose, and not that keen on fish or seafood).

So. What do we do in future? Do we offer to find somewhere else? Or just politely say we don't fancy anything on the menu so won't come/meet them for coffee or something afterwards? These are big family events so don't want to be a dog in the manger (and the people involved are lovely and good fun to be with). But spending this money on food I hate is making me very, very grumpy indeed...

PS I've said 'we' throughout because DP has roughly the same objections that I do but is more likely to go along with it forever while quietly sulking afterwards. I'm the one who is heading for a tantrum
PPS Yes I know these are incredibly expensive restaurants and this is a first world problem. Family of high earners - not including me!

OP posts:
Giraffesandbottoms · 08/04/2022 15:23

I sympathise actually because I’m a very fussy eater and I eat in a lot of nice restaurants and the issue is 1) I don’t enjoy the pretentious food, the stupid descriptions of it and additions like “salsify”. 2) I find instead of doing beef and chicken they do things like venison and pigeon. Which isn’t the same, and makes me a bit “bleurgh”.

Unfortunately the answer is to suck it up, eat the least unappealing thing and eat as much as possible and supplement it with shitloads of bread and butter 😃

Shade17 · 08/04/2022 15:30

I'm also a meat very well done (no blood whatsoever kind of person)

There is no blood in meat!

Comefromaway · 08/04/2022 15:38

Well wht on earth is it then? Whatever it is, I don't like it.

ilovemyelectriccar · 08/04/2022 15:40

Hogget is not just a fancy word for lamb, it's a slightly older animal so a little stronger tasting than lamb but not as strong as mutton.

LegMeChicken · 08/04/2022 15:45

YANBU.
If a ‘family gathering’ is the point I wouldn’t choose such an expensive place with fixed prices!
They can have it on their own with 3-4 people.

I am stingy and hate paying over the odds for food (or anything really) that I don’t value. Equally I’ll pay stupid amounts for things I love…

Orangelover · 08/04/2022 15:48

Erm I have a suggestion OP - I'll come with you and sit discretely at the end of the table and eat your dinner for you Wink

I literally eat anything and going to a really good restaurant for a treat is my favourite thing, however when it's a largish group for a celebratory meal I'd probably pick something less expensive with something for everyone on the menu. Then i'd drag DH for the spenny meal separately Grin

AnnPerkins · 08/04/2022 16:08

OP, I understand your reluctance. I think the family is being rather thoughtless to expect everyone to fork out so much money but on balance I think you would be missing out if you didn't go. If I could afford it I would go and just do my best with the waiter to order something I would enjoy. If it's such a great place they should want to ensure all their diners enjoy what they're eating.

aNewYorkerInLondon · 08/04/2022 16:17

[quote PacificState]@CharityShopChic er yeah I suppose so? What a monster I am, I don't know how I live with myself.

When it's our birthdays and we do these meals we've managed to find places that everyone seems happy with. Maybe they're not and being polite (as we have been over the years). This is a biiiiiig family so for every one of mine and DP's birthdays there are four of five of these super-expensive restaurants we don't like![/quote]
I totally get not liking the food, but, as you say, they go along with what you like on your birthdays, and no, they probably don't fancy the menu on those nights either, but they love you and are happy to have a meal they don't enjoy to be able to be with you and make you happy on your special day.

Everyone in my family likes something different for birthdays. Most of those things are not anything my husband or I would choose; however, we go, smile, hug, cheers, eat, and celebrate the guest of honor.

I think it's a bit pushy to try to persuade others to change where they want to go for their birthdays, especially when they politely go to your choice for yours.

aNewYorkerInLondon · 08/04/2022 16:23

[quote PacificState]@Obelisk I can try that (and maybe I will in this case) but in my experience these super fancy places are really, really snotty about doing well-done meat and usually just don't - they bring it black on the outside and still bleeding inside. It's like they want to punish you for having poor taste.[/quote]
I used to love rare meat, but I had a stomach problem and I'm not supposed to eat it anymore. I never have a problem ordering medium or medium-well at any restaurant -- and I like the fanciest of fancy places.

Theyulelog · 08/04/2022 16:27

See I think people should live a bit more selfishly.
You and dp don’t like the food so why should you pay through the roof on something you won’t like.
Not everyone is into fancy restaurant food and the organisers know this. Better to make sure everyone in the family are happy with the choice of restaurant.
Nothing wrong with being honest about it.

I hate this mentality of put up and shut up to suit everybody.

speakout · 08/04/2022 16:29

If you think you wont be able to eat anything then don't go.

Nothing worse than a fussy guest.

rookiemere · 08/04/2022 16:30

@speakout technically OP is not a guest as she is paying for her own dinner.

Elphame · 08/04/2022 16:36

I just couldn't bring myself to pay £100 for some fancy mushroom ravioli and a celeriac based dish. Ingredient costs of a few £ and a couple of shavings of truffle if you are lucky?

I would really have an unbreakable former engagement for that night.

LegMeChicken · 08/04/2022 17:03

@aNewYorkerInLondon the issue is cost.
I wouldn’t mind £20 to keep the peace.
£100…no way!

However I also have no shame and will order just a side at a fancy place. Or just a. Drink. They’re probably used to faffy, dieting women anyway.

Drinkingallthewine · 08/04/2022 17:05

I love seafood and I also don't mind rare meat. I also am not all that fussy and will probably try anything but even me with those choices there's not much I'd actually salivate over. I'd probably opt for the crab custard or cod's roe. Having two fish plus raw meat on a 4 option starter is pretty limiting really.

I like venison a lot - but again, that's a meat that's best served rare or pink.
If you like the taste of lamb or mutton then the hogget is probably your best bet as it's possible it would get a good long cook time and therefore not rare. So worth checking before you automatically opt for the fart-inducing celeraic.

PinkSyCo · 08/04/2022 18:53

Going against the grain here, but I think it’s your DP’s family who are selfish rather than you, for expecting their ‘guests’ to fork out so much money for one meal! If there were enough people attending so that you not going wouldn’t affect the ambience too drastically I would even back out now if I were you, and be truthful as to the reason why.

FinallyHere · 08/04/2022 19:18

Again, the solution is to change to having the host choose the venue and cover the whole bill.

Granted that isn't how they operate now, a start could be made by asking them how they would feel about moving up that model.

dropoutdoreen · 08/04/2022 19:34

Go. Be brave. Try something new. You
May have a good time

KirstenBlest · 08/04/2022 19:43

@PacificState, I'm a slightly fussy eater and either go and not eat anything or not go.

I certainly wouldn't pay £100 for a meal I didn't want to eat

Hogget is a young sheep. 2 or 3 yrs old. Not quite lamb or mutton

Ragwort · 08/04/2022 20:33

Surely you can decline politely, I looked at that menu you suggested and there is nothing on it I would like to eat (maybe the hogett if I had to?) - and I don't think I am particularly fussy - have worked in plenty of high end restaurants myself - and I would hate the thought of spending £100 on a meal that I didn't enjoy just to avoid 'upsetting' people. If you don't say anything this is going to happen 3-4 times a year for the rest of your life.

Agree with Pinksy - it is incredibly rude to suggest going to a high end, expensive restaurant but expecting your guests to pay for themselves. Personally I would love to go out for an afternoon tea - a local hotel does a very nice one at £30 a head but if I went there and wanted family/friends to join me I would of course treat them as I would hate to embarrass them by assuming they would want to pay that much for an afternoon tea.

burnoutbabe · 09/04/2022 09:14

Yeah that menu I am not sure I would eat much of that.

If it was one course where I'd have to have something a bit boring /veggie then fine but now it's 2 courses of food I don't fancy at all and would have to choose a least worse option. Not good at £100. So I would pull out.

Surely not every one of the 20 or so attending can go every time?

Original poster
PacificState · 09/04/2022 12:32

@IamtheDevilsAvocado it was the 'events manager' at Snotty Bastard Gastropub who refused to let us eat from the bar menu - will try again with someone higher up and thanks @saltinesandcoffeecups for the suggestion to be extra-ingratiating - always worth a try

And thanks to everyone who bolstered my sense of righteousness by confirming that isn't necessarily the most tempting menu in the world even for foodies! Quite tempted to take up the offer to have someone sit quietly next to me and eat it all 😂 Thanks for all the advice about hoggett and venison too.

OP posts:
MrsSkylerWhite · 09/04/2022 12:35

Ginajo

I think if it's your birthday then it's fine that you get to choose, but if the celebration is for someone else then you go with what they like”

This

Original poster
PacificState · 09/04/2022 12:39

Anyway, update: while i was ferreting about on here yesterday my DP, unknown to me, told his family I didn't fancy the food and wouldn't be coming to Restaurant 1. So I feel I've fucked that one up a bit, but it's probably best left alone now I think.

Our reservation at the Snotty Bastard is coming up and we're definitely going to that so I will, as someone suggested, work on my polite assertiveness and ensure I get something I actually want to eat even if I have to vault over the bar and raid the crisps

Slightly worried my SILs will find this thread so can I just say, if you're reading this, you're fantastic people and I'm very fond of you Blush

OP posts:
Relentlessrose · 09/04/2022 12:45

If you don't like the food could you just go late for just dessert and to say hello for everyone? Might be more manageable if it's a shorter time and you don't feel like you're wasting money, but still get to meet up and check in, and maybe make an alternative arrangement? You could do the same thing at the beginning and just go for a drink and/or starter at the beginning