Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

Original poster

Fussy eaters and expensive restaurants

202 replies

PacificState · 08/04/2022 08:39

I know Mumsnet hates fussy eaters so here goes...

DP's family have two birthday celebrations coming up. For each, a fancy restaurant has been booked. Me and DP said we'd go.

Restaurant 1 (£100 per person without booze) has four choices for starters and mains. I really don't fancy any of them although I could probably make myself eat the veggie options.

Restaurant 2 (also £100) the same except in this case I really don't fancy the veg option either!

We've asked R2 (fancy gastropub) if we can have something from the bar menu instead (while still paying their super special £100 fancy price) and they said... no?? Great customer service guys, well done.

Anyway I've had a sulk and decided I have to go, having said we would, and we need to learn a lesson about not saying 'yes' without checking menus. Will be £400 between us down the drain on food neither of us want. (Affordability - it won't kill us but good god I'd like to spend the £400 on something else!)

I'd be very happy to do the legwork to find more inclusive restaurants in the future but two of the family group, including one of the oldest, really love this sort of super-expensive fancy restaurant experience and are likely to be a bit sneery about anything we suggest. (I don't mean a Harvester by the way! I'm not that fussy - I like Vietnamese and Thai and Italian and Chinese and Indian and fusion and Italian etc etc - just not rare meat, which is de rigeur in the places they choose, and not that keen on fish or seafood).

So. What do we do in future? Do we offer to find somewhere else? Or just politely say we don't fancy anything on the menu so won't come/meet them for coffee or something afterwards? These are big family events so don't want to be a dog in the manger (and the people involved are lovely and good fun to be with). But spending this money on food I hate is making me very, very grumpy indeed...

PS I've said 'we' throughout because DP has roughly the same objections that I do but is more likely to go along with it forever while quietly sulking afterwards. I'm the one who is heading for a tantrum
PPS Yes I know these are incredibly expensive restaurants and this is a first world problem. Family of high earners - not including me!

OP posts:

Original poster

PacificState · 08/04/2022 10:17

@ZeroFuchsGiven I will return later with a list!

OP posts:

BarbaraofSeville · 08/04/2022 10:17

When I was a vegetarian my friends decided to take me to the fanciest steakhouse for my birthday. I was a bit miffed about that

But why wouldn't you say something?

Unless they kidnapped and blindfolded you and marched you into the restaurant, surely there must have been an opportunity somewhere in the planning or execution stage to express a preference about where you'd like to eat on your birthday?

Eeksteek · 08/04/2022 10:20

@PacificState

Ok I hear you all. And I have to go? (In future I mean - these two we're already committed to and will go.)

I’d mix and match. Sometimes go. Sometimes have something ‘unavoidable’ and join them for coffee. I generally go to my family stuff whatever, but it isn’t costing me £100 a head.

ItsYabbaDabbaDoTime · 08/04/2022 10:21

I sympathise but their birthdays, their choice. I would just grin & bear.
As a sushi-loving almost pescatarian I mostly dine alone on my birthdays!

Qwill · 08/04/2022 10:22

I think you should try and reframe it in the way that you are the customer, you are paying a lot of money for this meal and the restaurant has an obligation to cook meat to whatever temperature you desire. My friend will not eat steak unless cremated and if we go to a steak place (e.g. Hawkesmoor or the like), she just tells them she wants it extremely well done. They butterfly the fillet to stop it being burnt on the outside. It has never been a problem at all. I would order the fillet, say you want it butterflied and no pink remaining. I don’t think anyone would judge you, the kitchen has more than enough to think about. If you ordered a glass of white and they brought you red, you’d be happy to send that back surely? Same with a wrong food order. I’ve often sent steak back if it’s been over-cooked as it’s expensive and a treat.

Iwonder08 · 08/04/2022 10:24

OP, you need to work on your assertiveness, but with the restaurants, not your extended family. I eat my meat pretty much almost alive, but any decent restaurant will absolutely cook it to the level you request. It doesn't matter what they think about well done steaks, what matters is how you like it. Even if you see carpaccio /tartar you can absolutely request to cook it if you want to.

Rosehugger · 08/04/2022 10:25

There are usually excellent vegetarian options at restaurants, often the most interesting dish on the menu. Even when I ate meat I used to chose them.

Rosehugger · 08/04/2022 10:26

And I'd much rather go to somewhere with four choices than a place with 125 choices , all made in a factory and microwaved by the "chef".

User1367349 · 08/04/2022 10:27

If they are good restaurants (not necessarily the case with expensive restaurants!) they will be able to cope with some requests, for example, asking for something to be well-done might help? Or no sauces to be included?

ImAvingOops · 08/04/2022 10:27

Fwiw I don't think you are being unreasonable. It's all very well for posters to say that it isn't your birthday and therefore not your choice but most people would find it galling to go out 5 or 6 times per year to very expensive restaurants and not enjoy any of the food, while still being expected to pay £100 per head each time for it! And that's without the additional issues of feeling sad about your own family losses when surrounded by your partner's big family and the feelings you have around food generally.
Your in-laws may be lovely but they certainly lack sensitivity to other peoples financial situations.

FinallyHere · 08/04/2022 10:28

When it's our birthdays and we do these meals we've managed to find places that everyone seems happy with

So when you choose for your birthdays, they happily go along with it ? But you don't want to do the same for their choices? Are you absolutely sure that they are trifle happy, or are they just going along with your choices for your events?

Are the bills split between you at each event or do you each pay when you host? We do the host pays, so that everyone gets to choose the venue for their own events and the others don't feel as if they are subsidising more expensive choices.

I encourage you to suggest this way.

Once you are not paying for the food you don't enjoy, it will be much easier to make sure you are not hungry when you go and can enjoy the experience of being with the family.

goldierocks · 08/04/2022 10:35

OP - I'm surprised to hear the reaction you got when you called one of the venues.

I've been incredibly lucky in my career and have been taken to dinner at quite a large number of high-end restaurants (think Michelin stars, celebrity/TV chefs etc).

Bar none, they've all been wonderful about helping me navigate the menus, which being part of a large group were often set in advance.

I've got a number of medical conditions that make some foods a complete no-go area. Not one single restaurant had a problem with me swapping a dish for something else.

If I were you, I'd ask to speak with the Maître d' when you arrive. I'd be shocked if they wouldn't help you.

TibetanTerrah · 08/04/2022 10:36

I don't think you sound that fussy tbh. I eat almost everything ever, but bloody rare meat can fuck off and I'm very inexperienced with seafood. I haven't tried the vast majority of it, so sinking £100 on something that will probably taste "fishy" would put me off too. Based on my own tastes, I can't think of anything I really dislike that would be in the vegetarian option, so even if I didn't "fancy" it I'd go along with it for the sake of peace and family etc.

It's annoying, and id hate the feeling of being put of my depth in a snotty place, paying over the top for food that wasn't "wow" to me, but I don't see how you can get out of it really.

Thingsthatgo · 08/04/2022 10:38

I completely sympathise with you OP, and I am in the exact same situation but with holidays instead of meals. My family and DHs family often want to go to centreparcs or similar with are much much more than we would spend on a holiday as a family and my idea of hell. I am fed up of spending so much money on things we don't want to do!

godmum56 · 08/04/2022 10:45

Well first of all the campaign starts here. We are not "fussy" or "picky" eaters, we are SELECTIVE eaters. Its another aspect of bodily autonomy which we ALL support don't we? We are entitled to choose what we put in our bodies and that includes what we eat and drink.

Are you saying you have to go somewhere you don't want to go AND pay a fortune to do it? Well blow that for a game of tin soldiers.

The compromise that I would suggest if you can afford it is that you go to DH's parents' celebrations and decline the rest on the grounds that so many expensive nights out are not in your budget.

Those of you who are saying "oh why don't you just try something new" (looking at you @tfresh ) just stop being so rude. Bodily autonomy remember?

Selttan · 08/04/2022 10:46

When I first read this I was thinking really just suck it up.

But the more I pondered it I thought the family can't have it all their own way - they either pick somewhere everyone would like or they accept if you decline to attend.

My parents are fussy eaters - don't like Italian, only Asian they like is Chinese, don't do fancy.
So when it's my birthday I go to the pub with them and am really not bothered because it's about the company. I save the other places for people I know that enjoy them.

godmum56 · 08/04/2022 10:46

@Thingsthatgo

then stop!

godmum56 · 08/04/2022 10:47

@goldierocks

OP - I'm surprised to hear the reaction you got when you called one of the venues.

I've been incredibly lucky in my career and have been taken to dinner at quite a large number of high-end restaurants (think Michelin stars, celebrity/TV chefs etc).

Bar none, they've all been wonderful about helping me navigate the menus, which being part of a large group were often set in advance.

I've got a number of medical conditions that make some foods a complete no-go area. Not one single restaurant had a problem with me swapping a dish for something else.

If I were you, I'd ask to speak with the Maître d' when you arrive. I'd be shocked if they wouldn't help you.

that's fine but difficult if you ask when you get there and are told no.

empireemmy · 08/04/2022 10:50

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the request of the poster.

incognitoforthisone · 08/04/2022 11:01

If you're the one having the birthday, you get to choose the restaurant. If you are not, you don't.

I really like Vietnamese, Thai food etc like you mentioned. But that's what I'd choose for a casual meal out with DP for no reason, not for my birthday.

You and your DP are the fussy ones, and I don't think that should be anyone else's problem. I don't think everyone else should settle for a meal that they will like but don't think is anything special, just because two people who are not the ones with the birthday 'don't fancy' a single thing on a normal gastropub menu. Meet them for drinks afterwards instead.

amicissimma · 08/04/2022 11:05

Well, there's an easy way to avoid eating undercooked meat and that is to order it well done. I don't like my meat at all pink and if anyone tries to argue with me I just repeat that I'd like mine well done. Please.

I'm the one eating it, after all.

Lorw · 08/04/2022 11:06

Just don’t go. Fuck spending £400 on food you don’t like OP.

Why don’t you offer to take the birthday person somewhere else like an afternoon tea at a fancy place etc? Or a spa day? Especially for that money.

Brefugee · 08/04/2022 11:08

I'd be very happy to do the legwork to find more inclusive restaurants in the future

meh. You do your thing on your birthday and they can do theirs (you mentioned finding something everyone likes on yours, that's on you since i'm guessing nobody actually asks you to? knock that on the head, then, and please yourself?)

But you don't sound as though you like them, so just... don't go. And let your DH have a family night out?

Original poster

PacificState · 08/04/2022 11:12

(Shouldn't have checked this thread, supposed to be working but) @Brefugee I have to vigorously dispute your assertion that I don't like them. I do, very much. The family dynamic is difficult for me for reasons that may or may not be easy for other people to empathise with. But they are extremely kind, interesting, funny people and they've gone out of their way to be nice to me, always.

OP posts:

burnoutbabe · 08/04/2022 11:17

Could you ask them if you a have a starter over the main if no mains appeal?

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9