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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fussy eaters and expensive restaurants

202 replies

PacificState · 08/04/2022 08:39

I know Mumsnet hates fussy eaters so here goes...

DP's family have two birthday celebrations coming up. For each, a fancy restaurant has been booked. Me and DP said we'd go.

Restaurant 1 (£100 per person without booze) has four choices for starters and mains. I really don't fancy any of them although I could probably make myself eat the veggie options.

Restaurant 2 (also £100) the same except in this case I really don't fancy the veg option either!

We've asked R2 (fancy gastropub) if we can have something from the bar menu instead (while still paying their super special £100 fancy price) and they said... no?? Great customer service guys, well done.

Anyway I've had a sulk and decided I have to go, having said we would, and we need to learn a lesson about not saying 'yes' without checking menus. Will be £400 between us down the drain on food neither of us want. (Affordability - it won't kill us but good god I'd like to spend the £400 on something else!)

I'd be very happy to do the legwork to find more inclusive restaurants in the future but two of the family group, including one of the oldest, really love this sort of super-expensive fancy restaurant experience and are likely to be a bit sneery about anything we suggest. (I don't mean a Harvester by the way! I'm not that fussy - I like Vietnamese and Thai and Italian and Chinese and Indian and fusion and Italian etc etc - just not rare meat, which is de rigeur in the places they choose, and not that keen on fish or seafood).

So. What do we do in future? Do we offer to find somewhere else? Or just politely say we don't fancy anything on the menu so won't come/meet them for coffee or something afterwards? These are big family events so don't want to be a dog in the manger (and the people involved are lovely and good fun to be with). But spending this money on food I hate is making me very, very grumpy indeed...

PS I've said 'we' throughout because DP has roughly the same objections that I do but is more likely to go along with it forever while quietly sulking afterwards. I'm the one who is heading for a tantrum
PPS Yes I know these are incredibly expensive restaurants and this is a first world problem. Family of high earners - not including me!

OP posts:
Brefugee · 08/04/2022 11:17

you mentioned that you'd have to listen to them drone on - that doesn't indicate that you particularly enjoy the process.

Go to these two, and then decline in future. Don't do a pas-agg "oh but you never pick anywhere where i like the food" just decline.

Original poster
PacificState · 08/04/2022 11:17

@ImAvingOops also just have to say I get the reference in your user name and I am here for it

OP posts:
ImAvingOops · 08/04/2022 11:20

I do love Gene Hunt Smile

Original poster
PacificState · 08/04/2022 11:21

@Brefugee 'you mentioned that you'd have to listen to them drone on' - what? Where did I say that?

I said they require you to smile and nod. It's a huge family (enough for a small volleyball tournament) and they spend a lot of time together. Family occasions are mostly catching up/reminiscing about things I wasn't there for, as with most families. I join in where I can but it honestly feels like my role is to be an intelligent, engaged listener. I'm not an extrovert type and I guess that's where I feel I can do the most good. One on one I have long and throughly enjoyable conversations with all of them, but that's not so easy in a massive restaurant table setting.

OP posts:
theleafandnotthetree · 08/04/2022 11:22

@PacificState

(Shouldn't have checked this thread, supposed to be working but) *@Brefugee* I have to vigorously dispute your assertion that I don't like them. I do, very much. The family dynamic is difficult for me for reasons that may or may not be easy for other people to empathise with. But they are extremely kind, interesting, funny people and they've gone out of their way to be nice to me, always.
OP, I get you. You can think they're really great and still dislike aspects of the dynamic or more to the point, dislike the feelings the dynamic arouses in you. It's so much more nuanced and complicated than some would have it.
Original poster
PacificState · 08/04/2022 11:25

@theleafandnotthetree do you think you could just follow me around holding a sign with that on? I could pay you £600 a year maybe 😂 (Thank you. You have made a difference to my life today and I appreciate it. Some thinking to do on my part!)

Anyway. Must get back to work in order to pay for all this faine daining

OP posts:
rookiemere · 08/04/2022 11:28

It's a lot to spend on a meal, particularly if that sort of food and presentation is not your thing.

I think as you've already committed to the upcoming two events you should go - or maybe feign worry about having covid for second one with nothing you fancy on the menu.

But going forward next time you get an invite just say that you've realised that high end dining and yourselves don't mix, so you'll see them after or for drinks or something.

They won't like it, but you shouldn't be forced to spend hundreds on something that's not for you. They wouldn't expect you to go to a theme park - for example- just because that's what they want to do.

KarmaStar · 08/04/2022 11:34

Tricky.
On a lighter note,went to a country pub,asked for egg and chips but only if eggs locally sourced and organic from free range etc as several available at side of the road locally.turned out they were not bought locally but we're from caged birds.
Chef said if I walked down the road and bought some from the little kiosk he would cook them...😀

Pluvia · 08/04/2022 11:34

Which menus are you checking out? Those on the website? Because most of the seriously up-market restaurants I've been to only put up sample menus and will have other offers on the day, based on what's good at the market.

Back in the 1990s a friend and I were invited to Marco Pierre White's restaurant, which was a red-hot ticket at the time. Only problem was that my friend was vegan and MPW was famous for meat. She phoned in trepidation and asked if they could do something different for her and they said sure, no problem. So how about phoning in advance, confessing to only eating overcooked meat and see if they can come up with something to accommodate your taste.

Hadjab · 08/04/2022 11:37

I booked a nine course tasting menu at a very nice restaurant for my sister's 40th. I made sure I sent the menu out (with full ingredients list) in advance, as her best friend is super fussy. She moaned her way throughout the entire meal, claimed she had a mushroom allergy - she doesn't, she just hates them, then tried to get 50% off the bill, as she found a 'hair' - it wasn't, it was celeriac. It was embarrassing, and she ruined what was a fantastic meal.

If you don't like the food, stay home!

theleafandnotthetree · 08/04/2022 11:42

[quote PacificState]@theleafandnotthetree do you think you could just follow me around holding a sign with that on? I could pay you £600 a year maybe 😂 (Thank you. You have made a difference to my life today and I appreciate it. Some thinking to do on my part!)

Anyway. Must get back to work in order to pay for all this faine daining [/quote]
You're very sweet, glad my whitterings have been of some use. I really do know exactly how you feel in a way it is very hard to put into words!

BlueOverYellow · 08/04/2022 11:51

Just send your DP; come down with a headache/tummy bug on the day if you don't have the balls to say it's way too much money for food you don't enjoy.

latetothefisting · 08/04/2022 11:57

I honestly don't get this....just say you can't afford to eat at places that expensive, you'll meet them there before/after the meal and have a drink. If they pick very expensive places they can't complain if people can't afford it. Who cares if dps mum will be sad if not everyone is there - there's an easy resolution to that- pick somewhere cheaper!

Surely it's exactly the same as a destination wedding - your choice to do it but you can't complain if not everyone can make it!

Perhaps I'm just lucky with all my family and friends but we just don't expect people to do things just because we want to - a no (for any reason not just expense) is fine and not offensive!

aylis · 08/04/2022 11:58

It’s just a part life I think, I don’t eat out much due to this - it’s not so bad nowadays but it used to be most mainstream places were heavily meat based dishes and the veg option was always a bit pish. I am a fussy eater (history of disordered eating) but I either make the best of it or don’t go. There’s no real ‘solution’. Work meals out are usually the worst

Septimius · 08/04/2022 11:59

I think you need to tell them the truth, otherwise you’ll be in the same position again with the next celebration. Can you text the family group to say you’re very sorry, you know it’s incredibly fussy but there’s nothing you like on the menu and with the price it’s too expensive not to enjoy? Offer to contribute to a present or the meal or meet them later for coffee and cake?

VeganCow · 08/04/2022 12:00

Why don't you just not go and tell them why. I'd say we arent spending £400 that's needed elsewhere and not only that, I don't like the food on offer so wont be going.
Why do people find it so hard to say no and end up pleasing others at their own expense?

latetothefisting · 08/04/2022 12:03

If you said you wanted to do something very specific and expensive for your birthday - skydiving or an opera or muddy assault course or overnight ghost hunt - or even just a very specific type of food you know your older relatives definitely wouldn't like - would you expect them to do it and sulk if they didn't? Obviously not. But it seems to be okay for these relatives to just impose their preferences on the rest of the family without any consideration.

I can't see how they are as lovely as you say tbh.

CatsArePeople · 08/04/2022 12:03

Why don't you just eat nothing there? Only drinks?

WetLookKnitwear · 08/04/2022 12:06

Just pull out. It’s so much money.

I don’t think you should feel bad for being fussy. My DH is fussy. It limits our eating out options but in the big picture, who cares? Who doesn’t have quirks that have to be accommodated by their family?

AlternativelyWired · 08/04/2022 12:07

I'd have a migraine that day. I have huge food anxiety and am waiting ASD assessment and I totally get what you are saying. My mum thinks me being a veggie makes me fussy but she is the most limited in what she will eat. Dd has a very limited selection of foods she will eat (also waiting to be assessed) and we always choose somewhere where everyone will be comfortable.

Obelisk · 08/04/2022 12:13

@AlternativelyWired

I'd have a migraine that day. I have huge food anxiety and am waiting ASD assessment and I totally get what you are saying. My mum thinks me being a veggie makes me fussy but she is the most limited in what she will eat. Dd has a very limited selection of foods she will eat (also waiting to be assessed) and we always choose somewhere where everyone will be comfortable.
Please don't do this.

By all means say you can't go ahead of time but pretending to be ill on the day is such a dick move, despite being something regularly suggested on MN. Expensive restaurants often require a deposit, for one thing, and for another crying off on the day makes people feel more disappointed than if they'd known you were not coming all along. And it's almost always a completely obvious lie, especially if you do it for both dinners!

AWombleScorned · 08/04/2022 12:17

‘ a glitch in my matrix’, ‘I don’t want to be the dog in the manger’

OP these make zero sense 🤣

Mrsmessyhairdontcare · 08/04/2022 12:18

I totally understand.. I’m not a fussy eater but my in-laws booked a Michelin star restaurant for my husbands birthday. I was panicking all day as I new I wouldn’t eat a lot of it. When I got to the restaurant I explained to the waiter that I was a bit fussy with food. He asked what I would eat. I was happy to say chicken, steak, pork, lamb etc. but nothing tartar. They were the most accommodating restaurant ever and he made sure the whole way through (was a tasting menu) that I was ok to eat this plate of food and the next plate. Was the best meal I have ever had in my life!! And I’m ready to go back. I would phone the restaurant and explain your situation and see if they will accommodate your circumstances and push it don’t let them fob you off. Speak to the highest person possible.

Comefromaway · 08/04/2022 12:21

I just tend not to go, or if I do go I make it clear that I won't be eating and just there for a drink/the company.

I am incredibly fussy. Now I know more about it I'm convinced I have some sort of food sensory issue (both my kids are autistic so it sort of figures). I'm also a meat very well done (no blood whatsoever kind of person) and absolutely no sauces (though I can tolerate tomato based sauces that can be wiped off.

I AM also emetophobic which I'd never thought about before this thread.

Sweetpeasaremadeforbees · 08/04/2022 12:24

It's an absolute dick move to book venues that are so expensive then expect people to pay for themselves.

Absolutely agree with this. And most people aren't arrogant enough to assume that because they would like something on a menu which only includes four choices the same will be true for others.

I still feel slight resentment about being persuaded by a boyfriend (now DH) plus another couple to go to a seafood restaurant even though I hate seafood and fish ('oh there'll be something you like') and paying a fortune for a bit of salmon smeared with caviar. That was about 30 years ago and I wouldn't put up with that shit now.

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