Fussy eaters and expensive restaurants

[PacificState]

I know Mumsnet hates fussy eaters so here goes...

DP's family have two birthday celebrations coming up. For each, a fancy restaurant has been booked. Me and DP said we'd go.

Restaurant 1 (£100 per person without booze) has four choices for starters and mains. I really don't fancy any of them although I could probably make myself eat the veggie options.

Restaurant 2 (also £100) the same except in this case I really don't fancy the veg option either!

We've asked R2 (fancy gastropub) if we can have something from the bar menu instead (while still paying their super special £100 fancy price) and they said... no?? Great customer service guys, well done.

Anyway I've had a sulk and decided I have to go, having said we would, and we need to learn a lesson about not saying 'yes' without checking menus. Will be £400 between us down the drain on food neither of us want. (Affordability - it won't kill us but good god I'd like to spend the £400 on something else!)

I'd be very happy to do the legwork to find more inclusive restaurants in the future but two of the family group, including one of the oldest, really love this sort of super-expensive fancy restaurant experience and are likely to be a bit sneery about anything we suggest. (I don't mean a Harvester by the way! I'm not that fussy - I like Vietnamese and Thai and Italian and Chinese and Indian and fusion and Italian etc etc - just not rare meat, which is de rigeur in the places they choose, and not that keen on fish or seafood).

So. What do we do in future? Do we offer to find somewhere else? Or just politely say we don't fancy anything on the menu so won't come/meet them for coffee or something afterwards? These are big family events so don't want to be a dog in the manger (and the people involved are lovely and good fun to be with). But spending this money on food I hate is making me very, very grumpy indeed...

PS I've said 'we' throughout because DP has roughly the same objections that I do but is more likely to go along with it forever while quietly sulking afterwards. I'm the one who is heading for a tantrum
PPS Yes I know these are incredibly expensive restaurants and this is a first world problem. Family of high earners - not including me!

@stuntbubbles that's a good way to look at it, thank you. They are very, very nice people.

If anyone is picking a restaurant for a group of people, and this is not for the sole purpose of exploring whatever type of food it is eg it is a social event rather than a culinary experience event, then it is rude to pick something that does not take in to account the people you are socialising with, there should be at least something for everyone, particularly a set price of £100 pp.

If you are going for the culinary experience then fine, invite people to come, but you are placing the culinary experience ahead of the social experience and it is fine for others to decline that, it is miserable going for a meal where you don't enjoy the food.

@tfresh I get your point. Honestly, food is v emotional for me (it is for everyone I think or most people anyway) - my only big flashpoint in my childhood was my mother insisting I clear my plate, used to end in hours-long standoffs. It's a glitch in my matrix I suppose. Eating things I don't want absolutely ruins my day. I know this is difficult to understand if you're a gastronome/love food.

£100 pp? - picks oneself up off floor!
And for food you do not even want!

I would hope your ILs would want all the guests to enjoy themselves as you do when you try and plan somewhere you think everyone would enjoy when you book. I'd mix a dose of honesty - 'Don't want to eat any of that. Will decline in future if pick somewhere that only serves X' and see if there is anything on the bar menu that could be justified with a combination of vegetarian and vegan and allergies then use that as a justification to ask again in this case. If not, I'd order the cheapest, not eat it if i didn't enjoy it and focus on the conversation. Or ask for the meat and insist on it being well-done then send it back if it wasn't. Not to be difficult but to ensure I would enjoy it.

You're focusing on the wrong thing.
Twist your viewpoint so you see it as paying for the experience, the ambience, the surroundings and the company.
Let the food part go.
Eat the veggie options
This time.
Your point about checking before saying yes is a good one.

Ok, so you have to go to the 2 you're committed to really but I would honestly say something about the next one you're invited to. Look at the menu before deciding and then just own it and say sorry there's nothing there I can bring myself to eat. So unless you can sit there eating the bread rolls for the duration of the meal then you're out as money is tight. DH can go though.

You are not a fussy eater.

I completely get where you are coming from and I'd hate to choose between raw meat or fish too.

I suppose the challenge is that if this kind of restaurant is their joy then it's choosing between their joy and your company.

In my family we'd never go somewhere where it meant someone couldn't enjoy themselves

We'd go for inclusion over the menu choice.

Good Lord! It's someone else's birthday, not yours!

You do realise the whole world doesn't revolve around you?

Just pick one of the dishes on the menu even if you "don't fancy" it. It's really not that big of a deal to eat a meal that doesn't happen to be your first choice preference.

You have a very self centred outlook. Do you really think you having your preferred restaurant is more important than the person who's birthday it is having their preferred restaurant at their own birthday celebration?

And equally, declining invitations because you don't get to dictate the restaurant is also pretty selfish. It's basically "If I don't get my way, I won't go". You just need to accept as an adult that you don't always get your first choice, and sometimes you just have to suck it up.

[quote PacificState]@Obelisk I can try that (and maybe I will in this case) but in my experience these super fancy places are really, really snotty about doing well-done meat and usually just don't - they bring it black on the outside and still bleeding inside. It's like they want to punish you for having poor taste.[/quote]
I think this is getting better- the days of chefs kicking customers out for asking for the salt etc are long gone and there's more awareness that people have good reasons for asking for well done meat, such as pregnancy or health issues (although your personal preference is also a good reason, given that you're the one eating it). I'd take an inability to produce a well done steak as a mark against a restaurant, and I say that as someone whose preference is "just drag it through a warm room".

On cost, at that price point the host should pay for the guests, unless you're all rich enough not to mind.

Or just politely say we don't fancy anything on the menu so won't come/meet them for coffee or something afterwards?

At those prices that is what I would do. I wouldn't want to spoil other people's evening by sulking over the choices on the menu and not enjoying my food.

Would it be possible to phone the restaurant and say you have a phobia of rare meat and need it served well done without a hint of pink and you understand this is wouldnt be the chefs usual standard but would they mind making an exception?

[quote PacificState]@Obelisk I can try that (and maybe I will in this case) but in my experience these super fancy places are really, really snotty about doing well-done meat and usually just don't - they bring it black on the outside and still bleeding inside. It's like they want to punish you for having poor taste.[/quote]
Agree. I've actually had a chef come out and give me a row for asking for a well done steak. 😂🤦‍♀️

[quote PacificState]@Obelisk I can try that (and maybe I will in this case) but in my experience these super fancy places are really, really snotty about doing well-done meat and usually just don't - they bring it black on the outside and still bleeding inside. It's like they want to punish you for having poor taste.[/quote]
That's really odd - what do they do when a pregnant woman comes in who shouldn't eat undercooked meat? It's not very inclusive of them.

@mrsm43s ah, the full AIBU! How bracing.

In order to wind you up more, have a drip feed: my mother and sibling are dead, just me and my dad these days, and I find the 'enormous loving family together' dynamic really sad. Which is also my problem, I get it. But I think it's part of why this all sticks in my craw a bit.

But yes, I'm not six, I know.

It's an absolute dick move to book venues that are so expensive then expect people to pay for themselves. I'd tell them you can't justify spending that much money on food you won't enjoy.

I remember ordering duck in an upmarket hotel once, and asking for it not to be served pink. The waiter was saying out loud what he was writing down " one overdone duck".

Think of it as the cost of doing business; only it’s the cost of doing family.

This is a really good way to look at it. But - honestly - I’d stand my ground with how I wanted my food cooked. My mother is very difficult in all sorts of ways, but I’ll never forget one time when she was in the sort of restaurant you describe. She asked for the meat without the sauce. The waiter looked aghast and said, in a sneery tone, “but one always has sauce with duck”. She looked him up and down and replied in a tone of steel, “one doesn’t in my house”. And she got what she asked for!

@OutingHobby ooh I might try that

Restaurants usually want their guests to have a good time. What could you do to make your experience better? For example, eat beforehand so you’re not hungry if you don’t think you’ll be able to eat the meal, and enjoy the company — the cost is grating, I know, but this is your DH’s family. Come up with a concrete suggestion of something you would like and discuss with the restaurant beforehand — they may or may not be willing to help you.

Don’t offer to find an alternative that you and DH prefer, the family who chose the restaurant obviously booked it because that’s their favourite type of food (rare steak and seafood). It would be rude to try and push your preferences onto them when it’s not your event.

I’d either meet them for coffee after, or be busy that day, or if the family dynamic revolves around these gatherings then go along with it and order from the menu, even if you don’t like it. You don’t have to actually eat it!

You need to go - time with family is more precious than your disinclination to eat what’s on the menu. Hasn’t the pandemic taught us this? Push the food around your plate if you must and grab a drive through Maccy D on the way home. But enjoy the company because THAT is the real reason for the occasion

@RampantIvy hahahaha!

This is why I love Hawksmoor - they must think I'm a prize twit for going to a steak restaurant and asking for well done but they do not bat an eyelid, they're always totally focused on giving you what you want

I’m a very fussy person but tend to find expensive places know what they are doing and although might not be my first choice, I lean in and find it’s not so bad.

But I will take the verdict of the MN jury, which seems to be 'go and shut up' at the moment

Or just don't go. Someone who doesn't want to be there and is going to be begrudging about the food is just going to put a downer on everyone else's meal.