Fussy eaters and expensive restaurants

[PacificState]

I know Mumsnet hates fussy eaters so here goes...

DP's family have two birthday celebrations coming up. For each, a fancy restaurant has been booked. Me and DP said we'd go.

Restaurant 1 (£100 per person without booze) has four choices for starters and mains. I really don't fancy any of them although I could probably make myself eat the veggie options.

Restaurant 2 (also £100) the same except in this case I really don't fancy the veg option either!

We've asked R2 (fancy gastropub) if we can have something from the bar menu instead (while still paying their super special £100 fancy price) and they said... no?? Great customer service guys, well done.

Anyway I've had a sulk and decided I have to go, having said we would, and we need to learn a lesson about not saying 'yes' without checking menus. Will be £400 between us down the drain on food neither of us want. (Affordability - it won't kill us but good god I'd like to spend the £400 on something else!)

I'd be very happy to do the legwork to find more inclusive restaurants in the future but two of the family group, including one of the oldest, really love this sort of super-expensive fancy restaurant experience and are likely to be a bit sneery about anything we suggest. (I don't mean a Harvester by the way! I'm not that fussy - I like Vietnamese and Thai and Italian and Chinese and Indian and fusion and Italian etc etc - just not rare meat, which is de rigeur in the places they choose, and not that keen on fish or seafood).

So. What do we do in future? Do we offer to find somewhere else? Or just politely say we don't fancy anything on the menu so won't come/meet them for coffee or something afterwards? These are big family events so don't want to be a dog in the manger (and the people involved are lovely and good fun to be with). But spending this money on food I hate is making me very, very grumpy indeed...

PS I've said 'we' throughout because DP has roughly the same objections that I do but is more likely to go along with it forever while quietly sulking afterwards. I'm the one who is heading for a tantrum
PPS Yes I know these are incredibly expensive restaurants and this is a first world problem. Family of high earners - not including me!

Is it £100 fixed price menu per head? Because if it were me I’d go and just order a starter and a side or something. I know that doesn’t go down well in fancy restaurants but there’s no point in ordering £100 worth of food you don’t want! But obviously if it’s a fixed price menu you can’t do that.

Thanks for the suggestions to phone the restaurant ahead of time, that hadn't occurred to me and I will give it a go. (Restaurant 2 has been a prize dick about not allowing us to order from the bar menu while paying the full price, but maybe they'll change their tune if I get on the phone and start running through my demands...)

I completely get where you are coming from and I'd hate to choose between raw meat or fish too.

But that's not what the OP said. It's that she doesn't fancy any of the options.

Anyway, she is free to eat as she wishes and choose the restaurant for her own celebrations. But asking a large family group to always dance to her tune when they are clearly a family who like eating out and fancy meals is so unfair.

I get your point. Honestly, food is v emotional for me (it is for everyone I think or most people anyway) - my only big flashpoint in my childhood was my mother insisting I clear my plate, used to end in hours-long standoffs

It sounds like you had significant trauma with food which makes it reasonable to set boundaries. Using the phrase fussy eater doesn't do it justice since that will just bring out the MN bullies. Most people are not that traumatised surrounding food and are willing to try new things. For instance, it's incredibly rare for adults to not find anything on an entire menu of a (good) restaurant they are willing to eat. Even given the option of two or three choices at a wedding or set menu, the vast majority of people will find something they like.

Is there any chance you are emetophobic? The fear of raw meat and new foods seem to imply that. Even among emetophobes not being able to eat anything on the menu is on the severe end of the spectrum. Also, in my experience pricier restaurants will never "sneer" at the request of having meat well-done. They pride themselves on service and are more than aware that their customers may be pregnant, TTC or not able to eat rare meat for a variety of reasons.

No advice on the particular situation but wanted to commend your good humour in the face of the completely over the top “it’s not all about you” etc.

Seems clear to me that you are all about the family harmony but just don’t like rare meat.

I think your best solution is to ask them to cook it really really well. Don’t be embarrassed, they probably get asked all the time and who cares if the chef thinks you’re uncouth.

You’re being very unreasonable. It’s not your birthday so why would you always get to pick where you go? You either need to decline or find something on the menus that you can semi-tolerate. Your fussing eating ways should only impact on you and not dictate to others

Someone who doesn't want to be there and is going to be begrudging about the food is just going to put a downer on everyone else's meal.

My mum does this. She’s a fussy eater (infinitely more so than the OP) and she’ll look at the menu and pull faces then sit at the table with a cat’s bum mouth all through the meal - it’s unbearable.

I sympathise - I have friends who value expensive restaurants over ones that make food everyone likes. I just suck it up when it's one of their birthdays because they are great fun and we have a lovely evening. The price is I've paid huge amounts for food I don't particularly like....

As Ive got older though I've got more assertive - I'm paying good money for the food so they can damn well make me something I like ! You dont have to be loud and arsey about it, just clear and confident about how you'd like your meat cooked and which sauces you do or don't want. If the waiter is annoying, ask to talk to the manager. You can leave the table and discuss in a corner if you don't want it to be too obvious to the rest of the party. I normally find they will accommodate you if you are firm and polite about what you want.

Thank you @PlayDohDots Trauma is probably over-egging it in my case but yes there's a definite bruise there if you know what I mean. I'm not a literal emetophobe I don't think but I will do almost anything to avoid being sick (maybe that is a literal emetphobe now I come to think of it)

I'd be more pissed off at the cost. It's incredibly rude and tone deaf of them to choose an expensive restaurant and expect other people to pay when they might not be able to afford to, or at least think it's a good use of their money.

If they want to go somewhere like that, they should go as a smaller group and have the big family celebration somewhere with more normal prices. Or they should pay for everyone.

I'm far from a fussy eater and could probably find several things I liked on just about any restaurant menu, but I'd be more annoyed about being expected to spend 2/3 times my normal eating out spend on somewhere I'm not particularly fussed about going.

Thank you @JemimaTiggywinkle I deliberately went on AIBU because I wanted to know what the rest of the family would think but not say! Not my first Mumsnet rodeo so I was ready

All the advice to be calmly assertive with the restaurant is v v useful, thank you all so much

Just go to the restaurant for the celebration and even if you just eat the vegetables and be done with it or...
donate the cost of the meal to a charity funding food banks they would feed quite a few families with £400 don't you think ? and you would have a really "feel good" feeling.

£100 a head?

Are you the Sunak's?

I'd just expect the worse food wise and you might get a few nice surprises along the way. I bet they'll do a bloody good bread roll!

Just think of it as money spent on an enjoyable celebration rather than on a meal out and make the most of the fun company.

I just had the same conversation with my sister. Maybe look on local Facebook groups for recommendations in your area. Personally I can’t stand restaurants that think they are better than they actually are. Since Covid it seem like they are doing you a favour. Personally I would cancel, saying you need a Covid test, and save the £400 sovs.

@PacificState

Thanks for the suggestions to phone the restaurant ahead of time, that hadn't occurred to me and I will give it a go. (Restaurant 2 has been a prize dick about not allowing us to order from the bar menu while paying the full price, but maybe they'll change their tune if I get on the phone and start running through my demands...)

Do not start making demands of the restaurant because they won't cater to your fussy eating! That's just a massive dick move to take your issues out on the staff who are enforcing their company policy.

They have a policy of set menu only, if you don't like it then don't go but don't start being an arse to hospitality workers because they won't make exceptions for you because you're special.

I would not pay £100 for a meal that I don't fancy. I would just say no.

[quote PacificState]@mrsm43s ah, the full AIBU! How bracing.

In order to wind you up more, have a drip feed: my mother and sibling are dead, just me and my dad these days, and I find the 'enormous loving family together' dynamic really sad. Which is also my problem, I get it. But I think it's part of why this all sticks in my craw a bit.

But yes, I'm not six, I know.[/quote]
Oooh, lots to unpack here OP
Looks like big family events and/or food are a bit difficult for you so I hope you find a way to navigate this
I find with snotty waiters you can out snotty them if necessary

I've eaten at loads of high end places and asked for my meat to be cooked how I like it. I make a joke to the waiter and say the chef will have a fit but...

[quote PacificState]@mrsm43s ah, the full AIBU! How bracing.

In order to wind you up more, have a drip feed: my mother and sibling are dead, just me and my dad these days, and I find the 'enormous loving family together' dynamic really sad. Which is also my problem, I get it. But I think it's part of why this all sticks in my craw a bit.

But yes, I'm not six, I know.[/quote]
OP, I have huge sympathy for you, that is a very large amount of money over a year for something you actively dislike. I am from a very small, no bullshit family and my ex-husbands family was somewhat like your husbands - large, lovely, but somewhat tone deaf to the fact that not everyone wants or likes the same things as them. I think that is very often the case with larger families, there are enough of them to form their own, mutally reinforcing family culture which brings people INTO the fold rather than thinking, oh maybe Mary or John don't like this kind of thing, maybe we should do something different sometimes. I have no solutions for you mind you! I took the path of sort of picking and choosing what I went to and didn't, trying to ensure I wasn't favouring one of his siblings over the other. You have to have a bit of confidence to stand outside the herd though and I have to admit to telling white lies occasionally to avoid going to things. Perhaps they thought me a little odd but really, does that matter? I think it is important for the person from the smaller family to be completely subsumed into the bigger family, for all sorts of reasons.

That should be 'NOT be subsumed into the bigger family' obviously

@theleafandnotthetree yes! Yes! The family dynamic stuff is so interesting and tricky. They are amazing people, hugely kind and funny and clever. But I find it so difficult being with them as a group.

Oh man this has turned into an AIBU about something else entirely hasn't it. Goddamn you Mumsnet you omniscient hive mind

FGS just don't go. It's going to be painfully obvious that you do not want to be there, and you'll probably have a face like a slapped arse. Don't ruin everyone else's time because you're unhappy with the choice of restaurant. Stay home.

I have food intolerances and find posher restaurants better . I often ring beforehand to discuss and the chef has a chat with me on the evening and makes me what I can eat.
My food intolerances lead to anaphylaxis so I appreciate my situation is different - but I find the posher the place the more skilled the chefs and they are always happy to cook something else.

@HellToTheNope my face is a wonder, people are blessed to look upon it.

I would love to not go but MIL would be genuinely upset and she's an extremely nice lady.

@MighteeChondria I'm beginning to wonder whether I can just claim pregnancy! (I mean I can't, I'm visibly 50. But what waiter is going to say that...)