Fussy eaters and expensive restaurants

[PacificState]

I know Mumsnet hates fussy eaters so here goes...

DP's family have two birthday celebrations coming up. For each, a fancy restaurant has been booked. Me and DP said we'd go.

Restaurant 1 (£100 per person without booze) has four choices for starters and mains. I really don't fancy any of them although I could probably make myself eat the veggie options.

Restaurant 2 (also £100) the same except in this case I really don't fancy the veg option either!

We've asked R2 (fancy gastropub) if we can have something from the bar menu instead (while still paying their super special £100 fancy price) and they said... no?? Great customer service guys, well done.

Anyway I've had a sulk and decided I have to go, having said we would, and we need to learn a lesson about not saying 'yes' without checking menus. Will be £400 between us down the drain on food neither of us want. (Affordability - it won't kill us but good god I'd like to spend the £400 on something else!)

I'd be very happy to do the legwork to find more inclusive restaurants in the future but two of the family group, including one of the oldest, really love this sort of super-expensive fancy restaurant experience and are likely to be a bit sneery about anything we suggest. (I don't mean a Harvester by the way! I'm not that fussy - I like Vietnamese and Thai and Italian and Chinese and Indian and fusion and Italian etc etc - just not rare meat, which is de rigeur in the places they choose, and not that keen on fish or seafood).

So. What do we do in future? Do we offer to find somewhere else? Or just politely say we don't fancy anything on the menu so won't come/meet them for coffee or something afterwards? These are big family events so don't want to be a dog in the manger (and the people involved are lovely and good fun to be with). But spending this money on food I hate is making me very, very grumpy indeed...

PS I've said 'we' throughout because DP has roughly the same objections that I do but is more likely to go along with it forever while quietly sulking afterwards. I'm the one who is heading for a tantrum
PPS Yes I know these are incredibly expensive restaurants and this is a first world problem. Family of high earners - not including me!

Have you actually spoken to the restaurant, I have worked and still often eat in some very high end restaurants and in my experience they are often more flexible with customer requests/dietary requirements than many chain restaurants as they cook everything from scratch with top quality ingredients and are used to dealing with a more discerning customer and often demanding celebrities. It is in their interest to make their customers happy.

If I liked the people then as long as there was something I could eat then I’d go. It’s as much z out the company as the food. I don’t make any effort or spend money for people I don’t enjoy being around though.

I find most decent restaurants are incredibly flexible if you speak to the staff politely and kindly when you get there. These places have decent chefs who are more than capable of putting something plainer together from the ingredients available on the menu. e.g. if you see they have steak, ask if you could please have the steak, without the sauces and whatever available side veg they have on the menu. Restaurants especially in the current climate, want their guests to enjoy their visit and will do everything they can to accommodate. In my personal experience anyway.

@allthegoodusernameshavegone DP emailed the second one but I haven't actually rung either of them - it's a really good idea that's come out of this thread and I will do so, so thank you to everyone who suggested it

I quite enjoy going to super fancy restaurants. But in my experience they want to make you happy. Calling ahead you will probably get some snootiness and “no we can’t do that”. But when you get there have a quiet word and just ask for the meat to be subbed with chicken/sub in a bar menu meal. They usually say yes on the spot. Just be really polite and nice and they will too! They don’t want to serve you food you really dislike!! If they do, then they aren’t very good!

But that's not what the OP said. It's that she doesn't fancy any of the options.

It is what she said. She doesn't enjoy these opines and doesn't fancy them

[quote PacificState]@MighteeChondria I'm beginning to wonder whether I can just claim pregnancy! (I mean I can't, I'm visibly 50. But what waiter is going to say that...)[/quote]
My food problems have developed in my late 40s . It is a massive pain and I have to carry epi pens and now cannot eat the food I have enjoyed for my whole life.
Absolutely you can develop food issues at anytime and as pp have said better restaurants are better at dealing with and discretely so you can enjoy your evening ( and spend money on wine which luckily I can tolerate in small quantities )

[quote PacificState]@theleafandnotthetree yes! Yes! The family dynamic stuff is so interesting and tricky. They are amazing people, hugely kind and funny and clever. But I find it so difficult being with them as a group.

Oh man this has turned into an AIBU about something else entirely hasn't it. Goddamn you Mumsnet you omniscient hive mind [/quote]
Hmm, hmm – lie back on the couch and tell us how it made you feel. (Please take this in the spirit it’s intended!)

I would make sure you’ve eaten something you like beforehand, so you’re not hangry. Order the things you’re most likely to tolerate, so probably the veggie options even if they don’t tickle your pickle. Eat something with gusto, even if it’s the bread and the pudding, or the single broad bean and sauce drizzle around the shavings of red meat – basically fake the enthusiasm, which will be easier to do with a tummy full of pizza or pad Thai or whatever you necked first. No one will notice you’re not overjoyed by the food/experience if you’re being all sparkling and witty and “please pass the butter!” for the bread course.

@Chasingaftermidnight My mum is like that too and it drives me insane. She's actually not a fussy eater at home or at friends' houses or in about three restaurants which she has deemed ok, but anywhere else she is completely impossible- making strange requests for things, acting as if the staff are trying to poison her (prodding her food and asking the waiter if it is safe to eat, wtf) and doing cats bum mouth throughout.

I think it might be anxiety about not being in control. Have pretty much given up trying to eat out with her unless it's at one of her approved places.

@MajorCarolDanvers

But that's not what the OP said. It's that she doesn't fancy any of the options.

It is what she said. She doesn't enjoy these opines and doesn't fancy them

I don't like fish/seafood or rare meat, yes. I will eat oily fish once a week or so in an effort to be reasonably healthy but I never choose it for fun. Rare meat I find genuinely inedible, properly makes me heave (to be clear I don't make a big pantomime out of heaving, I just don't eat it)

That's just a massive dick move to take your issues out on the staff who are enforcing their company policy.

Nobody’s suggesting that the OP is rude to the staff because they won’t give her different food. But it’s perfectly fair enough to say “the duck - but with no sauce please. No, no sauce at all, thank you”. Or “very well done please. Please could you ask the chef to do it so there’s no visible pink meat”. Perfectly polite. She’s the customer and her preference should trump whatever the restaurant thinks is “better”.

@MighteeChondria I'm sorry, that sounds like a right pain for you.

@WimpoleHat

That's just a massive dick move to take your issues out on the staff who are enforcing their company policy.

Nobody’s suggesting that the OP is rude to the staff because they won’t give her different food. But it’s perfectly fair enough to say “the duck - but with no sauce please. No, no sauce at all, thank you”. Or “very well done please. Please could you ask the chef to do it so there’s no visible pink meat”. Perfectly polite. She’s the customer and her preference should trump whatever the restaurant thinks is “better”.

It's the OP who said she could call and reel off her demands which is what that poster was responding to

@stuntbubbles thank you! 😂 Tbh DP's family mostly requires you to listen to their conversation and nod happily, but I can do that

'Running through my demands' was a joke, like twirly-moustached Hammer villain, funny ha ha joke, ok never mind.

I am never, ever a dick to hospitality staff. I am just not that person.

I'm fussy and never like the starters in the set menus. To not make a fuss in this sort of situation, I order something that is shareable, claim to not be very hungry, and shove it in the middle of the table for everyone.

It's annoying to have to pay for something you know you won't eat, but sometimes for good relations it's necessary.

I can get where you're coming from but as it's their birthday it's their choice.

I'm not a big meat eater so when I've been to an expensive restaurant and paying considerably more than I usually would for a meal I'm resentful at paying a lot for an expensive treat that I don't really fancy/like as it's the least of the worst option. If I have to splurge on a fancy meal I should least find the food appealing. I just say nothing and try to smile.

When I was a vegetarian my friends decided to take me to the fanciest steakhouse for my birthday. I was a bit miffed about that.

@PacificState

'Running through my demands' was a joke, like twirly-moustached Hammer villain, funny ha ha joke, ok never mind.

I am never, ever a dick to hospitality staff. I am just not that person.

I got it - I was just responding to a poster who says nobody had suggested it

Can't believe you say you're "not that fussy". If you can't find anything you can tolerate eating out of EIGHT options (4 options x 2 restaurants) then you definitely are that fussy!

@Sashimiandhisthunderpaws

I can get where you're coming from but as it's their birthday it's their choice.

I'm not a big meat eater so when I've been to an expensive restaurant and paying considerably more than I usually would for a meal I'm resentful at paying a lot for an expensive treat that I don't really fancy/like as it's the least of the worst option. If I have to splurge on a fancy meal I should least find the food appealing. I just say nothing and try to smile.

When I was a vegetarian my friends decided to take me to the fanciest steakhouse for my birthday. I was a bit miffed about that.

Oh man, I think I would have exploded at that!

[quote PacificState]@theleafandnotthetree yes! Yes! The family dynamic stuff is so interesting and tricky. They are amazing people, hugely kind and funny and clever. But I find it so difficult being with them as a group.

Oh man this has turned into an AIBU about something else entirely hasn't it. Goddamn you Mumsnet you omniscient hive mind [/quote]
Well I definitely think it's about more than the food, that's for sure! But because people are kind and lovely and clever and fun, you feel that there's something wrong with you for not diving headlong into it like everyone else. Much easier if they were horrid! I remember the first Christmas I was going out with my ex, his sister assumed I would be spending Christmas with his extended family. I gently reminded her I had my own family and had to do that a few times over the years. People can be all the lovely qualities you mentioned and still be a bit heedless of the preferences and independence of people who marry into the family. But I think it is important to your own self worth to continue to carve out your own space, not to be awkward but to remind people that you count, that you are an individual, etc. If they are as lovely as you say they are, they will get that and accept that. I think when you come from a comparatively much smaller family, it is often quite overwhelming to be in a larger family group like that, regardless of how nice they are. It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you, or them, it's moreso about comfort zones.

Do either of the restaurants have a vegan menu? Lots of good places now do. I would ask to see the vegan menu as I’m vegetarian but fussy about cheese (I hate goat’s cheese and stinky cheese). Vegan food in top restaurants is often really inventive and delicious.

But in future, I think the current cost of living crisis is a great excuse to say, thank you for the invite but we’re feeling the pinch, can we join you for a coffee/glass of wine instead after the meal?

@NorthSouthcatlady

You’re being very unreasonable. It’s not your birthday so why would you always get to pick where you go? You either need to decline or find something on the menus that you can semi-tolerate. Your fussing eating ways should only impact on you and not dictate to others

I don't think the OP is particularly fussy. I wouldn't consider not liking fish or rare meat is being overly fussy, and I like most foods. However, I would baulk at paying £100 for a meal I won't enjoy.

What are the options on the menu, no particular reason other than to be nosey and Im hungry

I've got to go but thank you all (well... most of you 😂), this has been really useful and @theleafandnotthetree god there's a lot to think about there, it's a bit of an epiphany, thank you.