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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want MIL not to always take DD to her house ?

348 replies

nattichix · 07/04/2022 11:05

Let me start by saying, I DO NOT rely on my MIL or in laws for child care. My DD is two and a few months and goes to full time nursey.

When my in laws want to spend time with her, THEY contact me to ask if they can pick her up from nursey or pick her up from my house at the weekend etc.

They rarely come to visit her here, they're always keen to just take her away to her house to ' give me a break '. So they say. I suspect they just like to be alone with her in their own home.

Generally it's OK for me. But sometimes I would rather they just spent time with her here in my home, whilst I'm also here. My DD is getting to the age now where she's really starting to learn a lot and I really want her time to be used well. I want her to have fun, but I do want everyone to do their part to teach her songs and not just spend time speaking to her in a baby voice and giving her kisses. It's super cute and we do it a lot, but if she's going to spend a lot of time at their house, I would like for them to do some educational stuff with her, which I think they don't really do. They also let her get away with murder and never tell her not to do stuff. Sometimes they want to see her once to twice a week, so she can spend a bit of time there. It's variable though, sometimes they don't have her there for a couple of weeks. It depends on their schedule.

There may be a period coming up where they'll ask to have her round more and I'm concerned how it will impractical her.

In that case, if I am also there sometimes, I can suggest activities or encourage everyone to try teaching her certain things I'm working on - like body parts or colours etc. whatever it might be I'm trying to teach her.

I just don't like that they always want to snatch her away and are unwilling to spend time with her here.

Like I say, sometimes is fine, but it shouldn't be the expectation every time they want to spend time with her.

What does everyone else do when their children see grandparents ? Is it always on the grandparents terms at their house, without you there ? Or do you all spend time together ?

OP posts:
Pyri · 07/04/2022 11:07

Ummmm you sound extreme overbearing, 2 year olds do not need to spend all their time doing structured learning

No wonder they want some time away if they know that every time they give her a kiss you’re lurking with some picture boards!

thisplaceisweird · 07/04/2022 11:07

I want her to have fun, but I do want everyone to do their part to teach her songs and not just spend time speaking to her in a baby voice and giving her kisses

This has to be a joke. Nurture, care and fun is just as important as learning words. Kids that are coached 24/7 don't become geniuses OP. Kids that are loved and doted on do tend to become well-rounded confident adults though.

Gooseberrypies · 07/04/2022 11:08

You want her time to be used well… she’s 2. Thanks for the laugh Grin they’re not obliged to ‘take [do their] any part’ in educating her.

thisplaceisweird · 07/04/2022 11:09

When my kids went to their grandparents as little kids they spent time talking, cuddling, playing, napping, watching tv, going on little walks in nature... normal kid stuff! Guess what, they're great kids, they're smart and have a lovely relationship with GPs. That's all you could wish for.

Take a deep breath and chill, let your child be a child! Where has this all come from? What are you worried about?

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 07/04/2022 11:09

What songs does a two year old need to know?

MrsSkylerWhite · 07/04/2022 11:09

I go to our grandchild’s house to care for him because his stuff is mostly there. I also bring him on a short visit to ours for a change of scene during the day.

What mum and dad sat, goes as far as I’m concerned but tbh they have never once told me how they expect us to spend our time together.

Most things are a learning experience for a small child, it doesn’t have to be specifically “educational”. A walk to the park, pointing out the flowers and birds can be just as informative as a book/learning exercise.

Time with grandparents is often very different to time with parents and that’s no bad thing.

BriceNobeslovesMurielHeslop · 07/04/2022 11:10

I think that at two, all play is “educational” to an extent. I spent lots of time alone with my grandparents when I was little, I don’t remember them “teaching” me anything (and my granny was a teacher), but it was magical.

JamSandwich89 · 07/04/2022 11:10

Have you asked them to stay at yours? Or all go out somewhere? Even if they say they want to take her back to theirs to give you a break, have you tried saying something like 'Thanks for the offer but I'm ok actually. It would be nice for us all to spend time together here'?

Samanabanana · 07/04/2022 11:10

A grandparent's role is to spoil, play, have fun and give kisses. Your DD is 2. She will learn all of the things you've mentioned without a tailored educational schedule that all family members must adhere to. Obviously yanbu if they are promoting behaviours such as not sharing/listening etc. If you don't want her to spend so much tine with them that's also your prerogative but children learn so many emotional and social skills by spending time with caregivers other than their parents

LaMontser · 07/04/2022 11:11

Does your husband/partner know his colours and body parts?

If so then I think it’s safe to assume they’re ok to be taking up your two year old’s valuable time for a couple of hours a week.

NeverSayNeverAgainMaybe · 07/04/2022 11:12

@Pyri

Ummmm you sound extreme overbearing, 2 year olds do not need to spend all their time doing structured learning

No wonder they want some time away if they know that every time they give her a kiss you’re lurking with some picture boards!

Omg I have the best mental image of OP jumping out from behind hedges holding flash cards!

OP - i say this with love, but chill the fuck out. 2 year olds learn from play. As long as grandparents are interacting with her she will be learning. They learn just from jumping in puddles or poking their finger with a spoon. Plenty of time for cramming when she's doing her gcses

ethelredonagoodday · 07/04/2022 11:12

Ye gods. I think you need to chill out a bit. If you are concerned about the discipline that's one thing, but worrying about time not being spent productively is a bit OTT I suggest.

timeisnotaline · 07/04/2022 11:12

Bahahahaa. Possibly they think that poor little two year old need some down time?? You really don’t need to spend all of a 2 year olds time actively learning. A walk outside is learning, a conversation with grandma is learning, being read a story and building a block tower are learning.

That said, them visiting at your house would be perfectly normal too, so why don’t you just say sometimes we are having a lovely morning, but you are welcome to join us? Or we are all set up to bake cookies this morning, would you like to come over?
And I suggest when you do invite them over perhaps get out the toy food or the blocks or the toy animals, as I really do think the grandparents might find you a bit tiger mum! I’m sure my mother in law thinks I am, but I just have lots of lovely open ended toys and books and encourage creative play and have very little screen time.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 07/04/2022 11:13

@LaMontser

Does your husband/partner know his colours and body parts?

If so then I think it’s safe to assume they’re ok to be taking up your two year old’s valuable time for a couple of hours a week.

GrinGrinGrin

Relax OP, please. No two year old will be spoiled or disadvantaged by loving grandparents. I'm not surprised they don't stay in your house if you're following them around with a curriculum.

Shgytfgtf111 · 07/04/2022 11:13

@JamSandwich89

Have you asked them to stay at yours? Or all go out somewhere? Even if they say they want to take her back to theirs to give you a break, have you tried saying something like 'Thanks for the offer but I'm ok actually. It would be nice for us all to spend time together here'?
Yeah just do this :)

Unless there is a different reason that you dont want them to take her to their house? Is it just that she has no boundaries in terms of behaviour?

Original poster
nattichix · 07/04/2022 11:14

Oh guys no. I'm just worried about her. I'm not actually teaching her stuff all the time at all.

I just think she seems behind and was trying to help her get to the same level as some of her peers.

OP posts:
prescribingmum · 07/04/2022 11:15

Life is a learning experience for a 2 year old, structural activities are not required by every single person that spends time with her.

Your DD is extremely fortunate to have involved grandparents who think the world of her, love her and want to spend time with her. Appreciate that instead of stressing.

Make the most of the break, use the time to get things done and relax. If you make a big deal of this, you will look back at this and cringe

Original poster
nattichix · 07/04/2022 11:15

Up until now I've been totally relaxed about it all. I've just been in the nursey recently and seen her interact and I can see other kids do and know way more than her. So I thought we needed to try a bit harder - as a unit. But I've never ever said that to anyone.

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 07/04/2022 11:16

How much actual time does she spend with your dc in comparison with how much time dd spends with you / at nursery?

AntarcticTern · 07/04/2022 11:16

I think some of the answers on this thread are a bit harsh. Surely it's natural to want to sometimes spend time together as an extended family?

However, I do think it may be true that they are genuinely trying to give you a break OP, and YAB a bit U to suspect their motives.

HomeHomeInTheRange · 07/04/2022 11:17

When mine were in childcare all week I definitely didn’t want to lose weekend time with them.

Take control. “We are going to the city farm next Saturday morning, would you like to join us?”.

If they talk about giving you a break be honest and direct “to be honest I don’t want a break from her, I want quality weekend time with her, so why not come over and have tea with us?”.

Shoemadlady · 07/04/2022 11:18

Kids are kids they're not robots. What you're seeing at nursery is a tiny snapshot.
Some will sing, some won't. Some can count to 3, some 20.
Some walk at 9 months, some not until they're 2.
Totally depends on a heap of things such as whether their are older siblings at home or not.
They all get there in the end but she's only 2.
You need to try and relax a bit, learning should be really fun and she's so little.
If she's not taking solids or can't even sit up then obviously discuss with your health visitor but that doesn't sound the case.

JesusInTheCabbageVan · 07/04/2022 11:18

Superb Grin

Don't worry OP, on the occasions DD goes to their house, you can just set her a few extra hours' drill with the flash cards. She can sleep when she reaches retirement age.

ethelredonagoodday · 07/04/2022 11:18

Have nursery raised issues with you? Kids are different and all learn at different paces. I have one really high flier, and one who frankly struggles, but I think making them happy and grounded irrespective of their achievements is one of the best thing you can do for them.

DappledShade · 07/04/2022 11:19

Honestly she will probably learn more from separate interactions with others away from the norm at home. Different experiences naturally provide different learning opportunities, but at this age you just need to let them happen rather than trying to force things.