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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want MIL not to always take DD to her house ?

348 replies

nattichix · 07/04/2022 11:05

Let me start by saying, I DO NOT rely on my MIL or in laws for child care. My DD is two and a few months and goes to full time nursey.

When my in laws want to spend time with her, THEY contact me to ask if they can pick her up from nursey or pick her up from my house at the weekend etc.

They rarely come to visit her here, they're always keen to just take her away to her house to ' give me a break '. So they say. I suspect they just like to be alone with her in their own home.

Generally it's OK for me. But sometimes I would rather they just spent time with her here in my home, whilst I'm also here. My DD is getting to the age now where she's really starting to learn a lot and I really want her time to be used well. I want her to have fun, but I do want everyone to do their part to teach her songs and not just spend time speaking to her in a baby voice and giving her kisses. It's super cute and we do it a lot, but if she's going to spend a lot of time at their house, I would like for them to do some educational stuff with her, which I think they don't really do. They also let her get away with murder and never tell her not to do stuff. Sometimes they want to see her once to twice a week, so she can spend a bit of time there. It's variable though, sometimes they don't have her there for a couple of weeks. It depends on their schedule.

There may be a period coming up where they'll ask to have her round more and I'm concerned how it will impractical her.

In that case, if I am also there sometimes, I can suggest activities or encourage everyone to try teaching her certain things I'm working on - like body parts or colours etc. whatever it might be I'm trying to teach her.

I just don't like that they always want to snatch her away and are unwilling to spend time with her here.

Like I say, sometimes is fine, but it shouldn't be the expectation every time they want to spend time with her.

What does everyone else do when their children see grandparents ? Is it always on the grandparents terms at their house, without you there ? Or do you all spend time together ?

OP posts:
JustLyra · 07/04/2022 11:36

Grandparents are there for the fun bits.

And imo it’s far better while they’re little differing rules happen in different places.

Allowed to jump on Granny’s sofa, but not Mummy’s is much easier than allowed to jump on Mummy’s with Granny, but not Mummy when they’re little

stuntbubbles · 07/04/2022 11:37

@Favourodds

I'm working in my parents house today and so far, as far as I can discern, my toddler and my dad have watched 1 million episodes of Sarah and Duck, had a tea party, looked out of a window and said 'wind! wind!' repeatedly (both Dad and toddler) and now they seem to be eating breadsticks whilst discussing what they're going to have for pudding.

Worried about her Red Brick prospects, tbh, not a single song has been learnt.

God that sounds great, can I come over?!

OP, echoing everyone else: please relax about this. You can’t monitor her education every moment. She’s two: let her be two in her own way, and if she seems behind to you, raise those concerns with nursery and your health visitor in the appropriate way, rather than trying to police her grandparents’ song list.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 07/04/2022 11:37

You are hilarious, but for now just say "She would love to see you! But she wants you to come and hang out with her here."

Using her time well Grin

Treaclepie19 · 07/04/2022 11:38

I would love for my children to spend time being hugged and kissed by their grandparents. I'd love to not have to try and explain why they don't see them often without upsetting them.
Try and enjoy it.

mollyblack · 07/04/2022 11:38

I would have cried with joy if a loving grandparent (or anyone really) had taken my kids away for a bit when they were small.

worriedatthistime · 07/04/2022 11:38

Shes 2 let her be a child

Treaclepie19 · 07/04/2022 11:38

@Favourodds

I'm working in my parents house today and so far, as far as I can discern, my toddler and my dad have watched 1 million episodes of Sarah and Duck, had a tea party, looked out of a window and said 'wind! wind!' repeatedly (both Dad and toddler) and now they seem to be eating breadsticks whilst discussing what they're going to have for pudding.

Worried about her Red Brick prospects, tbh, not a single song has been learnt.

This is gorgeous. Your dad sounds amazing.
Shinyandnew1 · 07/04/2022 11:40

but I do want everyone to do their part

Confused
Original poster
nattichix · 07/04/2022 11:41

I get why you all think I'm a loser.

But I want to clarify. My in laws would have no idea that I feel like this. I don't hover over her or them at all.

I'm just having a freak out that I've done something wrong in how I've raised her so far and need to teach her more stuff.

I'm also not blaming them. For any of it.

OP posts:
shrunkenhead · 07/04/2022 11:41

Is your house ok? Could there be a reason they don't want to visit your dd in her own home? Eg dogs, animal hair etc

worriedatthistime · 07/04/2022 11:42

2 year olds often don't listen , they have selective hearing , it seems to stay with them as well as at 18 & 16 mine still don't listen to certain words like hoover , tidy up etc
Dinner is a word that doesn't seem affected though

incognitoforthisone · 07/04/2022 11:43

@nattichix

Up until now I've been totally relaxed about it all. I've just been in the nursey recently and seen her interact and I can see other kids do and know way more than her. So I thought we needed to try a bit harder - as a unit. But I've never ever said that to anyone.
I think you're overthinking this and are just a bit over-anxious about your DD. She's only two. All kids progress at different rates at different times - also, remember that the kids she's interacting with at nursery won't all be exactly the same age as her. Some of the kids you're seeing could be almost a full year older, and even a few months can make a difference at that age. Unless the nursery have expressed genuine concerns to you, I don't think you need to worry.

Even if your DD was behind, then it would still do her absolutely no harm whatsoever to spend a couple of afternoons a week doing non-educational stuff with her grandparents. She won't forget the things she's learning with you because she isn't doing the same things with her grandparents - and bear in mind that if a child is two years old, almost everything is a learning experience one way or another. They are learning constantly just by pottering about and existing. If you're super-concerned, next time they come to collect her you could put some of her more educational toys or books in a bag to send with her, maybe? And you could also do the whole 'Shall we show Granny and Grandad what you've learned?' thing to encourage her to show them when she's learning her colours and body parts and animals and stuff - I'm sure her grandparents will be delighted to applaud her and tell her how clever she is at their house too. There's nothing like a proud grandparent, let's face it.

It's brilliant that you're helping her to learn new things, but I definitely think you can be more relaxed about it. Her time with her grandparents making a fuss of her isn't going to hold her back.

Narwhalsh · 07/04/2022 11:44

YABU about the in-laws. Enjoy your free time and appreciate that she is developing a great relationship with them.

She’s in full time nursery-she will be getting plenty of stimulation and learning opportunities there.

Also remember that kids learn through play. She’s 2?! Of course she’s not going to sit and listen!! Don’t compare her with other kids, it’s a slippery slope… she is her own person and unless you’ve got some serious concerns about developmental delay (in which case contact your HV but they would also be being picked up by nursery and during the reviews) then just enjoy her being little!!

stuntbubbles · 07/04/2022 11:45

@nattichix

I get why you all think I'm a loser.

But I want to clarify. My in laws would have no idea that I feel like this. I don't hover over her or them at all.

I'm just having a freak out that I've done something wrong in how I've raised her so far and need to teach her more stuff.

I'm also not blaming them. For any of it.

You’re not a loser. You sound overly anxious and worried. Are you OK?

Tbh if she’s in full-time nursery she’ll be learning LOADS. I do naff-all educational stuff with DD at home because at nursery she does phonics and painting and songs and “feelings circle” and Mandarin and French and god knows what else. At home we bake cakes and jump on the bed and watch Hey Duggee, and some of us run around with no clothes on shouting “waggle bum!”

froufroufrou · 07/04/2022 11:47

It sounds like they’re the type of in-laws who see you merely as the ‘breeding vessel’ and want to hog your baby.

worriedatthistime · 07/04/2022 11:47

OP your not a loser just a worried mum ,

MedievalNun · 07/04/2022 11:47

As others have said OP, if you have concerns talk to the nursery. However - are you perhaps feeling a bit guilty over the fact that dd goes to nursery, and then projecting this as being over-anxious about her being a bit quiet on the day you mention?. Your DD could have been quiet for any number of reasons, including simply not enjoying the activity they were doing. If you are worried then a chat with nursery / health visitor etc might set your mind at rest.

Now the grandparents. There have already been fantastic suggestions on that front. On thing you did mention is that they let her 'get away with' things. We had this problem with my parents (PIL were of the opinion that it was our child, our rules & did whatever we asked) - if it's major things, such as trying to pull pans, undermining you, then ask them nicely to please stop. If it's minor, then go with the flow, as long as they stick to your rules in your house. I was lucky enough to have my gran around until I was nearly 40, my DD loved spending time there and did get spoiled absolutely rotten by her, but she also heard stories about long-dead family members and a very different childhood.

Good luck with this, I hope you manage to reach a solutiin that works for all.

AllTheGoodOnesAreTaken · 07/04/2022 11:48

I think one day you'll look back and cringe and feel sad in equal measures. Enjoy your kid as she is right now, and seriously, embrace your in laws. Sounds like you've got gooduns there!

Nimo12 · 07/04/2022 11:48

You're being utterly ridiculous

Sneezesthrice · 07/04/2022 11:49

Do you know what my grandparents taught me?

Unconditional love.

And it’s been the most important thing I ever learned in my life.

Children are learning ALL THE TIME especially through play. Children are hardwired to learn.

Embracelife · 07/04/2022 11:49

@nattichix

Oh guys no. I'm just worried about her. I'm not actually teaching her stuff all the time at all.

I just think she seems behind and was trying to help her get to the same level as some of her peers.

What is she behind in? Is this via an assessment? Speech? Motor? Even if she is doing therapy for a delay A few hours with granny will not harm her at all Unless granny has some SEN?
LowlandLucky · 07/04/2022 11:49

I feel so sorry for your poor child. Why on earth would you want to deny her the love of her Grandparents ? In 30 years time you may want to spend time with your Grandchildren, i hope your child doesn't punish you

AryaStarkWolf · 07/04/2022 11:50

Are you serious? No wonder they want to take her to their house :/

prescribingmum · 07/04/2022 11:50

@nattichix

Thanks everyone. I just find it hard not to blame myself when I see others ' more advanced '.

Nursey haven't raised anything recently no. They say she's settling OK now but doesn't listen always.

Honestly they are all so different at 2. Some do one thing first, others something else. Some just pick it up later and it all 'clicks' at once.

I remember the amount I worried due to DD's lack of social skills at that age, nursery used to comment that she only played alone and if another child approached her, she just left them to play and did something else alone. When she was 3, COVID hit and she stopped seeing other children, also retreated even more in online activities. I cant even describe how worried I was. At 5, she is a social butterfly, extremely confident and intelligent; unrecognisable from the 2/3 year old I had. I am regularly floored by her confidence and ability to make friends with children double her age

If you are worried in your gut something is wrong, then get it checked out but if it is just she does not know what everyone else seems to, honestly relax and just enjoy her. It will click when she is ready

BlingLoving · 07/04/2022 11:51

OP, nicely, as I think you've understood, you are being ridiculous! Grin.

Also, be realistic. If your DD has some developmental delays (BIG IF) spending more time singing songs with her is not going to be a global panacea.

Also, nursery is a terrible place to compare your child. Remember that your child could be in a room with children who are up to a year older. That's 50% older! Also all children develop at different ages. SIL spent a lot of time worrying that her DS wasn't as good at speaking/listening/understanding as DD, which was true, he was (and still is) behind compared to her. But 1. DD is now, age 7, acknowledged by teachers etc as advanced (not to G&T level, but right at top of the usual range for her age). and 2. her DS might be one of the most physically competent children I'd ever met in terms of ability to climb, jump, skip etc from a ridiculously young age: his gross motor skills overall were way better than average.

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