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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want MIL not to always take DD to her house ?

348 replies

nattichix · 07/04/2022 11:05

Let me start by saying, I DO NOT rely on my MIL or in laws for child care. My DD is two and a few months and goes to full time nursey.

When my in laws want to spend time with her, THEY contact me to ask if they can pick her up from nursey or pick her up from my house at the weekend etc.

They rarely come to visit her here, they're always keen to just take her away to her house to ' give me a break '. So they say. I suspect they just like to be alone with her in their own home.

Generally it's OK for me. But sometimes I would rather they just spent time with her here in my home, whilst I'm also here. My DD is getting to the age now where she's really starting to learn a lot and I really want her time to be used well. I want her to have fun, but I do want everyone to do their part to teach her songs and not just spend time speaking to her in a baby voice and giving her kisses. It's super cute and we do it a lot, but if she's going to spend a lot of time at their house, I would like for them to do some educational stuff with her, which I think they don't really do. They also let her get away with murder and never tell her not to do stuff. Sometimes they want to see her once to twice a week, so she can spend a bit of time there. It's variable though, sometimes they don't have her there for a couple of weeks. It depends on their schedule.

There may be a period coming up where they'll ask to have her round more and I'm concerned how it will impractical her.

In that case, if I am also there sometimes, I can suggest activities or encourage everyone to try teaching her certain things I'm working on - like body parts or colours etc. whatever it might be I'm trying to teach her.

I just don't like that they always want to snatch her away and are unwilling to spend time with her here.

Like I say, sometimes is fine, but it shouldn't be the expectation every time they want to spend time with her.

What does everyone else do when their children see grandparents ? Is it always on the grandparents terms at their house, without you there ? Or do you all spend time together ?

OP posts:

Gilld69 · 08/04/2022 19:30

I have my grandson 2 days a week I've had all my grandkids, we have tons of fun he has me doing all kinds even if it means I can't get up of the floor without crawling to the couch , but within the fun he learns lots we play football he counts the goals even when he never scored. we sing lots of nursery rhymes , our alphabet. we draw and talk about the colours we use and the shapes or pics we draw, just because we have our snuggles doesn't mean we aren't teaching them. one of my biggest joys is them telling mummy and daddy what we've done in the day and seeing him flourish ✨️

SuzyQ12 · 08/04/2022 19:35

Your in-laws sound lovely, I'm sure your DD gets a great deal of benefit from spending time with them, and will have fond memories of these times when she is older.

MonthofSunnydays · 08/04/2022 19:45

Ignore some of the criticism on here. I Dont think you are overbearing and are just worried about your child and her development, which is normal in the world outside of mumsnet.

My MIL only wanted to see my children on her own / at her house at the weekend. After a long week at work, I used to look forward to seeing them and being mum. We’d invite her round or on days out but she’d always decline. Now they are older she has no relationship with them and only sees them once or twice a year.

Hmm1234 · 08/04/2022 20:06

Has to be a joke or you’re just completely ungrateful and mean. Grandparents wanting to have DD at their house should be a blessing. Have you got an identity outside of motherhood whats making you so possessive over DD

OatmilkandCookies · 08/04/2022 20:31

I'm very close to my granny and as I got older growing up, I liked going to her house without my mum as she spoiled me more! Its perfectly normal to have close relationships with family that isn't your mum.
Just invite her round more if you want to spend more time together.

Tigger1895 · 08/04/2022 20:46

Have you thought that the grandparents want to give the child a break from you?

Cactuslove · 08/04/2022 20:51

I love it when my kids go to their grandparents. They give them things I haven't got time to. My dad has taught them all about nature and bird watching etc not in a structured way just that these are his interests and he drags them along. Also just being with grandparents is teaching them how to interact with others. Chill out.

di2004 · 08/04/2022 20:53

Try not to stress!
I look after my granddaughter on my day off and it's great - we have breakfast, watch a bit of CBeebies, go out for a walk, sometimes pop to the shops, feed our hens, have dinner, then an afternoon snooze, lots of cuddles .. snacks, play time and drinks along the way, then home to mammy & daddy in time for tea.
Just let you child enjoy their time with your MIL .. it passes so quickly x

SaxendaSummer · 08/04/2022 20:56

Christ!

Frazzledmum123 · 08/04/2022 21:03

I haven't read all the posts, just yours OP so apologies if this has already been said. You sound like a lovely caring mum who just wants the best for her child and enjoys spending time with her. I totally get the feeling of wanting to all be together, when I meet up with family it's the best of both worlds, the children are entertained without me having to do much but I'm around and enjoying their company and watching them have fun.
One thing I wanted to say is, with regards to the other children at nursery, a lot of other factors could be affecting how much more 'advanced' they seem. I have 3 and have noticed the youngest was far more advanced than the others, simply because she had siblings! She copies them and refuses to accept she is younger than them. It can also be confidence, those that have always been in nursery vs your child who is just getting used to it.

Original poster

nattichix · 08/04/2022 21:10

@Frazzledmum123

I haven't read all the posts, just yours OP so apologies if this has already been said. You sound like a lovely caring mum who just wants the best for her child and enjoys spending time with her. I totally get the feeling of wanting to all be together, when I meet up with family it's the best of both worlds, the children are entertained without me having to do much but I'm around and enjoying their company and watching them have fun. One thing I wanted to say is, with regards to the other children at nursery, a lot of other factors could be affecting how much more 'advanced' they seem. I have 3 and have noticed the youngest was far more advanced than the others, simply because she had siblings! She copies them and refuses to accept she is younger than them. It can also be confidence, those that have always been in nursery vs your child who is just getting used to it.

Thanks for your lovely comment and I totally agree with the best of both worlds comment. Especially when you're physically not well for whatever reason. Be it pregnancy or illness or whatever. It helps to have others around and to all have fun with her. We always play a hugging game with her, where she runs to each of us and gives us a hug. She loves it and so do we and it tries her out too. It's absolutely adorable. But when I'm alone I can't really chase her around and do to much physical stuff with her at the moment.

Thanks also for the suggestion about nursery and the fact some children might have older siblings. That's a good point.

OP posts:

Applesandpears23 · 08/04/2022 21:12

You are her mother and so you can spend as much time with her as you want. If they offer to pick her up from nursery and it doesn’t suit you say “no thanks, we have plans”. My heart aches for you missing out on time with her when you wanted her home. It is fine to stand your ground and insist on things like you spending time with her when you want to.

Allinhistiming · 08/04/2022 21:30

I agree with applesandpears above. If it makes you happy just being together then do so. We live too far from in laws for kids to spend any time there alone. My husband usually hangs out with his mum and our kids in the evening she visits while I tidy up for a bit. It just means because she is a bid older she would sometimes need a sentence repeated or can't always make out what the children are saying. It gives me peace of mind too I would get quite anxious about the thought of something happening my child while I'm not there. Our child care centre has an app to tell us what our 1 yo is doing eating etc so I'm fully aware of his whereabouts.

NETSRIK · 08/04/2022 21:32

Get over yourself OP. You'll read your OP in the future and cringe.

Owl55 · 08/04/2022 22:40

I think you’re trying to be the perfect mum and perhaps worrying too much , she sounds like a lovely typical 2 year old child , maybe talk to mother in law and shel reassure you that you are worrying unnecessarily and ask her to stay in your home sometimes and spend time together x

Frazzledmum123 · 08/04/2022 23:38

The sibling thing really makes a difference - I had my dd at the same time as my sister had one and my little girl seemed so much more grown up. My sister has now had her second child and her second talked ridiculously early and could pass for a year older than she is. Her first dd is now every bit as advanced as my little one, more so in some areas.
Ignore the nasty comments on here, nothing wrong with caring about your child and without wanting to sound condescending, first time round you worry about everything. I bet you will worry a lot less second time round x

mycatisannoying · 08/04/2022 23:59

You sound so incredibly uptight and controlling.

Seamar · 09/04/2022 00:13

It sounds like you feel they are taking motherhood away from you a bit. Put your foot down and don’t let them take the child more often. You are the mother. Or see it as a blessing that you get so many breaks from a two year old. They are hard work. Take a bath or get some housework done while the kid is gone, it’s a bit tragic to be stressing about education with a toddler. She will learn her colours and body parts in nursery and then again in primary school. Grandparents are great.

Livinthedream84 · 09/04/2022 08:56

I would give my left tit for my parents to show even a quarter of the interest your in-laws do in your child OP I think you are being ridiculous to be honest.

2 year olds need love and a sense of security from all members of their family. Grandparents give the child a loving place where they can just be them without learning or structure. It’s where the best memories are built and social skills are nurtured. Maybe that’s why they insist on taking her to theirs because you are a bit overbearing on her and them? Just chill op and enjoy the time on your own or with DH before she’s a teenager and you can’t get rid of her 24/7 .

Mollymoostoo · 09/04/2022 09:04

I suspect that the real reason is that you can't monitor or control what is happening in their house and with a 2 year old this makes you feel anxious. You have every right to set boundaries for your child and to want to monitor any contact with other adults, however unless something had happened or you suspect something might, this is really irrational and you need to talk this over with someone.
How does your DH feel about this? Just be honest and arrange to go with her rather than them take her. You are mum, you can say no.

Mollymoostoo · 09/04/2022 09:07

@Tigger1895

Have you thought that the grandparents want to give the child a break from you?

Really?

AChocolateOrangeaday · 09/04/2022 09:37

I'm an old gimmer now but some of my happiest memories as a kid was spending time at my Nan's just me and her.

She had had a major stroke at 47 and lost the use of one side of her body so was confined to the ground floor but the fun I had upstairs "rooting" in her old bedroom which had the most massive wardrobe full of old fur coats.

Guess what book I spent hours imagining I was in? :)

As soon as I was old enough I used to cook for us both and we spent many a happy hour watching "The Love Boat" & "Hart to Hart" munching on Milady toffee and strawberry Bonbons from Woolies.

She has been gone a very long time now and I still miss her, don't deny your DD that OP.

My parents passed away before I had DS and I would sell my soul for them to have spent some time with him.

It takes a village to raise a child.

Original poster

nattichix · 09/04/2022 09:45

@AChocolateOrangeaday

I'm an old gimmer now but some of my happiest memories as a kid was spending time at my Nan's just me and her.

Guess what book I spent hours imagining I was in? :)

As soon as I was old enough I used to cook for us both and we spent many a happy hour watching "The Love Boat" & "Hart to Hart" munching on Milady toffee and strawberry Bonbons from Woolies.

She has been gone a very long time now and I still miss her, don't deny your DD that OP.

My parents passed away before I had DS and I would sell my soul for them to have spent some time with him.

It takes a village to raise a child.

Where do I say I want to deny her anything ?

I just want them to visit us sometimes and not always take her away to spend time with her. Out of 10 times they see her, twice can be at our house. I don't think that's denying them anything. It's just allowing me to also enjoy my daughter.

OP posts:

DarleneSnell · 09/04/2022 09:46

Oh, to have this problem!! My MIL is the opposite way, insists on only ever seeing the DCs at my house while we're there so it's always me hosting and entertaining, while still doing the actual looking after of the kids. I'm jealous!

itsgettingweird · 09/04/2022 09:51

I just want to change the default from being, we are picking her up. To occasionally they also just visit her in her home.

This is what I'd say. I understand your concerns (my ds was and is actually delayed but he has asd).

So when they ring to offer to pick her up just say you had planned on garden at home but they're more than welcome to join or you're taking her to the park and they can come too. Or swimming etc.

Just tell them you miss her whilst she's at nursery all day and have plans that weekend.

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