To want MIL not to always take DD to her house ?

[nattichix]

Let me start by saying, I DO NOT rely on my MIL or in laws for child care. My DD is two and a few months and goes to full time nursey.

When my in laws want to spend time with her, THEY contact me to ask if they can pick her up from nursey or pick her up from my house at the weekend etc.

They rarely come to visit her here, they're always keen to just take her away to her house to ' give me a break '. So they say. I suspect they just like to be alone with her in their own home.

Generally it's OK for me. But sometimes I would rather they just spent time with her here in my home, whilst I'm also here. My DD is getting to the age now where she's really starting to learn a lot and I really want her time to be used well. I want her to have fun, but I do want everyone to do their part to teach her songs and not just spend time speaking to her in a baby voice and giving her kisses. It's super cute and we do it a lot, but if she's going to spend a lot of time at their house, I would like for them to do some educational stuff with her, which I think they don't really do. They also let her get away with murder and never tell her not to do stuff. Sometimes they want to see her once to twice a week, so she can spend a bit of time there. It's variable though, sometimes they don't have her there for a couple of weeks. It depends on their schedule.

There may be a period coming up where they'll ask to have her round more and I'm concerned how it will impractical her.

In that case, if I am also there sometimes, I can suggest activities or encourage everyone to try teaching her certain things I'm working on - like body parts or colours etc. whatever it might be I'm trying to teach her.

I just don't like that they always want to snatch her away and are unwilling to spend time with her here.

Like I say, sometimes is fine, but it shouldn't be the expectation every time they want to spend time with her.

What does everyone else do when their children see grandparents ? Is it always on the grandparents terms at their house, without you there ? Or do you all spend time together ?

@worriedatthistime

OP your not a loser just a worried mum ,

I think I'm finding it really hard not to freak out when I see she's behind other kids on stuff. This is something I need to work on. And it's no one's fault.

Something I just need to learn to deal with somehow.

She's definitely learning and more aware every day too.

She just kind of flitters about exploring and isn't yet that interested in sitting down and listening to being read to and things like that. She loves painting and colouring so we all encourage her to do that kind of stuff. She loves sensory stuff too. She's really sweet. The nursey were concerned about her at the start, just because she didn't follow instructions much at all and wanted to do her own thing a lot. But they say now she's fine and has settled, but is just a bit defiant sometimes.

She's very sweet. So are her grandparents.

Omg. My wonderful MIL was honestly the best grandmother that I've ever come across. She never 'taught' my DDs a single structured thing that I'm aware of. But they learned that they were absolutely and unconditionally adored, that she had all the time in the world for them, and they were absolutely enveloped in her warmth and affection. I and they were so incredibly fortunate.

Thinking about this has made me realise that flashcards and 'learning opportunities' would absolutely have got in the way of what they learned about love, generosity and kindness from her.

I'm welling up a bit here. MIL is now just a shell due to very advanced dementia, and has not been able to know her 2 year old GGD. She would have been so full of love for her, and is missing out so much.

She just kind of flitters about exploring and isn't yet that interested in sitting down and listening to being read to and things like that. She loves painting and colouring so we all encourage her to do that kind of stuff. She loves sensory stuff too. She's really sweet. The nursey were concerned about her at the start, just because she didn't follow instructions much at all and wanted to do her own thing a lot. But they say now she's fine and has settled, but is just a bit defiant sometimes.
She sounds very, very two. And just right. Get ready for the defiance to only increase in temper and volume . My DD also only wants to do her own thing a lot: nursery call her “Miss Independent.” I think that’s a great quality, as is exploring and pottering and finding her own way.

Op, children learn through play. You don't need to worry about structured learning.
Making bracelets is fine motor development ready for writing.
Doing the washing and getting dressed are self care learning.
Baking is all maths and PSE.

Honestly, don't fret.

@stuntbubbles

She just kind of flitters about exploring and isn't yet that interested in sitting down and listening to being read to and things like that. She loves painting and colouring so we all encourage her to do that kind of stuff. She loves sensory stuff too. She's really sweet. The nursey were concerned about her at the start, just because she didn't follow instructions much at all and wanted to do her own thing a lot. But they say now she's fine and has settled, but is just a bit defiant sometimes. She sounds very, very two. And just right. Get ready for the defiance to only increase in temper and volume . My DD also only wants to do her own thing a lot: nursery call her “Miss Independent.” I think that’s a great quality, as is exploring and pottering and finding her own way.

Hahaha that's what they call mine !

What is it do you think your DD is behind with OP? Anything specific? When my DD was 2 my DP and I had a feeling she was behind with speech and language. The rest of the family - my parents, MIL, SIL all said we were overthinking things, etc. Even the staff at her playgroup said she was fine.

I cracked one day after DP came back from a playgroup session where he had stayed to help out for the morning and he said he had noticed such a massive difference in DD’s communication compared with the others.

I ended up taking her to a drop-in speech and language assessment where she was assessed as delayed, had 2.5 years of speech and language therapy and was signed off before she started Reception. Now she is 15 and all is fine - no problems academically, etc.

Anyway, at the time the speech therapist gave us exercises to do at home with her - all play-based. And I must admit that I felt some frustration that when my parents looked after her they just stuck her in front of the TV to watch the same episodes of non-verbal DVDs over and over again (e.g Pingu). I felt as though all the support of DD in terms of what her speech therapist was suggesting had been left to us - and maybe that was how it should be as parents.

But anyway, I get what the other posters are saying about leaving a 2-year old to develop a fun and loving relationship with GPs. But I also understand how it feels to have a nagging feeling that something isn’t quite right - especially as your DD must have been born just as the pandemic was starting?

She's 2. Not 'behind'. Seriously, stop comparing her to other children. They are all different and will all learn at their own pace. Two year olds are not generally known for their listening skills so I wouldn't worry too much about that either.

It's nice that her grandparents are interested and involved and want to take her out and have fun with her but if you want them to spend some time at your house with you as well then ask! They may genuinely think they are doing you a favour and giving you a break.

Honestly, they have such a short amount of time to just be kids and play, before you know it she'll be in school. Enjoy this bit.

I’d let her have her time with them there to br honest and she’s lucky to have such loving grandparents.

@worriedatthistime

Shes 2 let her be a child

She isnt though she is a few months off being 2....OP in the nicest possible way relax. Also why focus just on MIL is there no FIL either? Come on it is a blessing to have grandparents who love their GC.

Your dd sounds happy and confident.
Be proud OP.
You're doing a good job.

How do you know she's behind OP? Have nursery raised concerns? You can't easily compare to other children in child care, there can be a big difference at this age between children who are a few months different in age and there is a range of normal development. It sounds like this is could be more about your concerns for her development then ILs behaviour?

@nattichix Oh, then get ready for “I don’t need mummy-daddy help for anything!” and “I do it all by myself!” and “No! You not the boss, I the boss!” in about a year’s time…

Oh, OP, I really feel for you.

Please please don't worry. Not all children develop at the same rate, and even if they did, at that age a couple of months is a long time, so you would have to compare with other children with exactly the same date of birth.

Just keep enjoying your dc, let their gp keep enjoying them and let them get there in their own time.

Time with grandparents is often very different to time with parents and that’s no bad thing.

This. My children got so much pleasure from spending time with their grandparents. They have a shared history I don't know about, but when I hear them talking and laughing about things they've done, it makes me very happy. 2 of mine are adults, with another very close to it, but they're still close to their grandparents.

I'm 54 and miss mine terribly.

I really want her time to be used well

She's at fulltime nursery so down time with grandparents is exactly what she needs. Interesting that you thought to stop GP time rather than ask about development in 2 year olds.

Child development cannot be compared at this age, indeed for quite a few years. One of my children was way behind at nursery and when starting school. Not at all interested in structured play and quite assertive with nursery and reception school teachers. First parents evening was awful and there were concerns over listening/hearing plus fine motor skills terrible.

Now they are heading to Oxford University.

My son ( and me too when I was his age) go to nanny and grandad's house for exactly this reason he is treated like a little king ! He does things there I wouldn't necessarily let him do at home but he is bonding with grandparents , giving them a new lease of life ! And more importantly than just learning how to do curriculum type things he is learning life skills and learning to love and be loved . He has the best time and so do my parents ! They are in their 80's.

Children all learn at their own pace , my son's 6 now and he didn't say a word until he was nearly 4 years old !! Now he doesn't stop , he is one of the more advanced in his class and is doing year 2/3 work now when in year 1 so don't worry about them not being at the same place as others as my son deffinately wasn't to begin with ! X

I have baby no 2 due in August and this time round I know I won't be comparing my child to anyone elses , dd

She's 2! Jesus. Not quite old enough to go down't mines just yet.

As a mother to a child that didn't develop in line with their peers, please know that the reason they were behind had nothing to do with me 'not doing enough' with them. My, at times, frantic efforts to advance them did nothing other than make me incredibly stressed. And they did their thing anyway.

YABVU and so precious. YOU spend time doing all the teaching and let grandparents spoil and cuddle and spend time with your baby. I grew up without grandparents and I have loved seeing the close relationships my children have with theirs, they get so much out of it. Don’t worry so much about where your DD is, keep her happy and safe, learning is everywhere.

Posted too soon - do give her time. Mine had a massive leap forward at 3 in terms of language and various skills.

Sorry, but you're sounding a bit mad. You have loving grandparents who want to dote on your DD, care for her in a safe and comfortable environment AND give you a break. Unless there's a lot you're not saying, grab that with both hands!

Some of the kids at nursery may have been there a really long time and are used to it all. My son started same time as yours and he was absolutely fine it takes time to make friends and get used to it. I mean this kindly but give the grandparents a break enjoy your free time and don’t sweat the small stuff. As long as your kid comes home from theirs happy you don’t have a problem. My mum and sis take my son out a fair bit and I always tell them anything they need to do to keep him happy is fine, it’s up to me to discipline etc. As long as you TRUST them to take care of her don’t worry x

@Jovanka

What is it do you think your DD is behind with OP? Anything specific? When my DD was 2 my DP and I had a feeling she was behind with speech and language. The rest of the family - my parents, MIL, SIL all said we were overthinking things, etc. Even the staff at her playgroup said she was fine.

I cracked one day after DP came back from a playgroup session where he had stayed to help out for the morning and he said he had noticed such a massive difference in DD’s communication compared with the others.

I ended up taking her to a drop-in speech and language assessment where she was assessed as delayed, had 2.5 years of speech and language therapy and was signed off before she started Reception. Now she is 15 and all is fine - no problems academically, etc.

Anyway, at the time the speech therapist gave us exercises to do at home with her - all play-based. And I must admit that I felt some frustration that when my parents looked after her they just stuck her in front of the TV to watch the same episodes of non-verbal DVDs over and over again (e.g Pingu). I felt as though all the support of DD in terms of what her speech therapist was suggesting had been left to us - and maybe that was how it should be as parents.

But anyway, I get what the other posters are saying about leaving a 2-year old to develop a fun and loving relationship with GPs. But I also understand how it feels to have a nagging feeling that something isn’t quite right - especially as your DD must have been born just as the pandemic was starting?

It took her ages to point at stuff. She does it now. But she was just under two when she started. She's two and a few months now.

She was definitely late at pointing.

She still doesn't always point to the ' dog ' or whatever when you ask her to point it out in a book. But she will open the book and say ' it's a dog '. She just won't always point at it when asked ' can you show me the dog ?'. She only does this sometimes.

She will not respond when you ask her ' what's your name ?'. But when you show her a picture of herself and ask her, who's that ? She says it's XXX ( her name ).

She's recently started forming more sentences like ' where daddy gone ? '. But she won't say ' I want milk '. She'll just say ' milk '. Stuff like that.

She says stuff like ' come on let's go mummy ' or ' where are we going ? '. I've not taken her for her 2 and a half year check yet, but I've looked at the questionnaire and she does some of it, some of the time. But some of it, she doesn't do yet.

She’s probably just annoyed at constant questions of what’s your name and point to the dog etc and doesn’t see the point. Especially if she’s miss independent.

Your anxiety is unwarranted. Try to relax. Read to her, play with her, let her explore the things that interest her. She’s a learning machine - that’s what human minds do right from the beginning. You don’t need to fret over every thing - humans are not all exactly alike and guidelines/norms from development are just that - a fairly accurate guideline of what most can do at a certain age. It doesn’t follow that it’s an awful tragedy if yours isn’t quite there at X weeks/months/years.

Having loving grandparents and another loving and safe space away from home is a big advantage to a child. She’ll gain a lot from it.

"She just won't always point at it when asked ' can you show me the dog ?'. She only does this sometimes."

my 8 year old still does this - he is well ahead of his peers but he isnt a preforming monkey

"and isn't yet that interested in sitting down and listening to being read to and things like that. "
She is 2. Read up on associative play/ parallel play

".. started forming more sentences like ' where daddy gone ? '. But she won't say ' I want milk '. She'll just say ' milk '. Stuff like that."

She is well ahead of my 8 year old at that stage - he didnt speak until he was 3.5

Did is say he is well ahead of his peers in school?