To want MIL not to always take DD to her house ?

[nattichix]

Let me start by saying, I DO NOT rely on my MIL or in laws for child care. My DD is two and a few months and goes to full time nursey.

When my in laws want to spend time with her, THEY contact me to ask if they can pick her up from nursey or pick her up from my house at the weekend etc.

They rarely come to visit her here, they're always keen to just take her away to her house to ' give me a break '. So they say. I suspect they just like to be alone with her in their own home.

Generally it's OK for me. But sometimes I would rather they just spent time with her here in my home, whilst I'm also here. My DD is getting to the age now where she's really starting to learn a lot and I really want her time to be used well. I want her to have fun, but I do want everyone to do their part to teach her songs and not just spend time speaking to her in a baby voice and giving her kisses. It's super cute and we do it a lot, but if she's going to spend a lot of time at their house, I would like for them to do some educational stuff with her, which I think they don't really do. They also let her get away with murder and never tell her not to do stuff. Sometimes they want to see her once to twice a week, so she can spend a bit of time there. It's variable though, sometimes they don't have her there for a couple of weeks. It depends on their schedule.

There may be a period coming up where they'll ask to have her round more and I'm concerned how it will impractical her.

In that case, if I am also there sometimes, I can suggest activities or encourage everyone to try teaching her certain things I'm working on - like body parts or colours etc. whatever it might be I'm trying to teach her.

I just don't like that they always want to snatch her away and are unwilling to spend time with her here.

Like I say, sometimes is fine, but it shouldn't be the expectation every time they want to spend time with her.

What does everyone else do when their children see grandparents ? Is it always on the grandparents terms at their house, without you there ? Or do you all spend time together ?

I would always have assumed it was easier to mind a child in the child's own home because of toys etc but I remember my mum saying it's so much easier in her house as she's more relaxed, knows where stuff is etc.

@Favourodds

I'm working in my parents house today and so far, as far as I can discern, my toddler and my dad have watched 1 million episodes of Sarah and Duck, had a tea party, looked out of a window and said 'wind! wind!' repeatedly (both Dad and toddler) and now they seem to be eating breadsticks whilst discussing what they're going to have for pudding.

Worried about her Red Brick prospects, tbh, not a single song has been learnt.

Sounds like a wonderful day to me. I hope they settle on a nice pudding. I'm fancying a lemon meringue but don't know if I can be bothered making it and it won't make itself which is very unreasonable in my opinion.

@stayathomer

I would always have assumed it was easier to mind a child in the child's own home because of toys etc but I remember my mum saying it's so much easier in her house as she's more relaxed, knows where stuff is etc.

I agree with your mum, I'd much rather have GC here where I know where everything is.

Mine are much older than this now however:

Mine spent time with grandparents away from me / their dad during the week at their houses and doing all sorts of random things - one of them LOVED the supermarket shop for example!
Weekends were family time. Sometimes with a grandparent involved but rarely without at least 1 parent.

In terms of the learning - she does sound very 2. If Nursery have not raised concerns - and you can check this with them if you are unsure - then she is just fine. If she is there full time then she is doing more than enough structured learning. If you want to encourage her - as a flitter - take her places she will learn stuff. Go to the nature reserve at the park and chase the butterflies, go swimming, get her on a scooter or a trike.

But above all stop stressing and enjoy the time you have with her!

@LaMontser

Does your husband/partner know his colours and body parts?

If so then I think it’s safe to assume they’re ok to be taking up your two year old’s valuable time for a couple of hours a week.

@froufroufrou

It sounds like they’re the type of in-laws who see you merely as the ‘breeding vessel’ and want to hog your baby.

FFS. You're projecting

Husband just about knows his colours... still gets certain body parts wrong... especially female ones

Let them develope a close bond relationship with your daughter ! They can’t do that with u involved all the time ! My 2 children now 19 & 21 have a fabulous relationship with grandma and grandpa because they spent time and did whatever they wanted to do with them that’s what grandparents do !! U have to let go and 2 is too young to be behind peers ! X

Goodness we have ones that don't want people to see, hold or kiss their baby and now ones that want to supervise the time the Grandparents have with them to ensure the quality of the time. What on earth is going on to produce all these intense mothers? Is it social media? Is it the internet? There was a time when mothers were grateful for anyone to hold their baby for a brief respite.

Honestly OP she sounds fine. There will almost always be kids around who are more advanced (Unless you have the next Einstein) and kids who are less advanced. You just notice the first group more, particularly if you are a bit anxious about it.

She is probably ahead of some of those "advanced" kids in other ways. One of mine could read at 2 but walked late, another walked at 9 months but read late. The one who read late is the one with A level English who reads all the time.

It is a marathon not a sprint, just enjoy her. With regard to the ILs, have you tried inviting them round instead of them asking for her? They might think it is a bit cheeky to invite themselves round.

@nattichix

Oh guys no. I'm just worried about her. I'm not actually teaching her stuff all the time at all.

I just think she seems behind and was trying to help her get to the same level as some of her peers.

Yabu and sound overbearing. Because you think she’s “behind” you want to ensure every minute of her spare time is spent looking at flash cards and picture boards? Read the threads on Mumsnet about in-laws who couldn’t give a toss about their grandkids.

My children’s grandparents visit them at my house.

They are odd though. They have SIL children all weekend every weekend, it’s like she has no say in it. They make her feel like an awful parent who can’t be trusted.

So dh and I set boundaries from the beginning, or they would have wanted out children fri eve to sun night as well.

It’s also not unusual by any means for a 2 year old not to be talking in sentences. At all. It’s quite normal at that age.

@thisplaceisweird

I want her to have fun, but I do want everyone to do their part to teach her songs and not just spend time speaking to her in a baby voice and giving her kisses

This has to be a joke. Nurture, care and fun is just as important as learning words. Kids that are coached 24/7 don't become geniuses OP. Kids that are loved and doted on do tend to become well-rounded confident adults though.

This x 100.

Chill out a bit (a lot) You and your daughter are so lucky to have loving grandparents who want to spend time doting on your daughter. It’s priceless. That love and attention will do more for your daughter than any structured activity. I would give anything for my kids to have that special relationship.

It sounds like you are all doing what is right for your DD. Children learn just by playing and being with people. Developing close relationships is invaluable as they grow up. It is probably the topmost important skill really for getting on in life. Just let your ILs spend this lovely time with your DD and stop worrying about what other children are doing.

@JustLyra

Grandparents are there for the fun bits.

And imo it’s far better while they’re little differing rules happen in different places.

Allowed to jump on Granny’s sofa, but not Mummy’s is much easier than allowed to jump on Mummy’s with Granny, but not Mummy when they’re little

I agree with this. My DC know Grandad let’s then do what they want at his house, get all the toys out at once, climb on the sofa, eat anywhere. Things are very different at home, but they accepted those differences from an early age. I think it’s lovely that she has doting Grandparents but I’d definitely be suggesting they visit at yours if you’re missing time with her. I honestly wouldn’t worry at all that some other DC at nursery seem to be doing things she isn’t yet. They all develop at their own pace and things typically even out when they start school. I would just work on her listening skills at home and skills like toileting, dressing herself etc. Leave Grandparents to play however they like with her, as long as she’s enjoying her time with them that’s what matters.

Ugh

I wouldn't be worried about the educational things, there's plenty of time for that, but it's not unreasonable for you to want to see more of your daughter given you work full time. You could do a compromise and let MIL have her once a fortnight at her house, or whenever you wanted babysitting duties. Then maybe suggest she joins you on days out etc (you could tell MIL that you are missing DD with being at work all day and want to spend time with her.

@TheLightSideOfTheMoon

What songs does a two year old need to know?

Ready for today's earworm..? 🎵Wind the bobbin up Wind the bobbin up Pull pull clap pull... 🎵

And.... you're welcome 😊

Yip I used to worry I wasn’t doing educational stuff enough with my kids. Working busy not loaded mum guilt. Guess what my eldest is 8 now and coming out tops in everything alongside or ahead 🫢 the kids I was comparing her to. Just enjoy her and focus on confidence, kindness and happiness.

@nattichix

Oh guys no. I'm just worried about her. I'm not actually teaching her stuff all the time at all.

I just think she seems behind and was trying to help her get to the same level as some of her peers.

Stop stressing and let her enjoy the love and time her grandparents want to give her. You sound a little neurotic, try to relax. She’s got years worth of time to be compared with her peers, let her be a toddler. Every single day is a learning experience for them at that age.

@Helpimfalling

Ugh

If and it’s a big ‘if’ your child turns out to be ND in any way, it isn’t a blame to be attached to that.

Maybe they genuinely do want to give you a break OP. It’s the function of grandparents to spoil their grandchildren, whilst following the rearing expectations of the parents.

You sound insane. 2yo learn through play. Just focus on toileting, dressing independently and using cutlery. Her teachers will thank you for that.

honestly look at countries like norway - they dont have structured learning until children are about 7 . All children progress at different rates so i would stop worrying . I have a great nephew who did not speak at 4 - now at 8 you cant shut him up .

let her enjoy her time with the grandparents . its precious .

I would always have assumed it was easier to mind a child in the child's own home because of toys etc but I remember my mum saying it's so much easier in her house as she's more relaxed, knows where stuff is etc.

Yep, same here. Also I can do little jobs, take DGD with me on errands, and simply feel more relaxed than I would if I was caring for her in my DD's home.
Also DGD loves having stuff of her own here. She runs straight to her toy area or her little table and chair to find her favourite 'grandma toys' (as well as her favourite 'stuff of grandma's'!) And to be honest that's what I remember of spending time with my Grandparents. The stuff that they had that I liked and went to every time, the 'other home' that was familiar to me and had familiar and loved things in it.