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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want MIL not to always take DD to her house ?

348 replies

nattichix · 07/04/2022 11:05

Let me start by saying, I DO NOT rely on my MIL or in laws for child care. My DD is two and a few months and goes to full time nursey.

When my in laws want to spend time with her, THEY contact me to ask if they can pick her up from nursey or pick her up from my house at the weekend etc.

They rarely come to visit her here, they're always keen to just take her away to her house to ' give me a break '. So they say. I suspect they just like to be alone with her in their own home.

Generally it's OK for me. But sometimes I would rather they just spent time with her here in my home, whilst I'm also here. My DD is getting to the age now where she's really starting to learn a lot and I really want her time to be used well. I want her to have fun, but I do want everyone to do their part to teach her songs and not just spend time speaking to her in a baby voice and giving her kisses. It's super cute and we do it a lot, but if she's going to spend a lot of time at their house, I would like for them to do some educational stuff with her, which I think they don't really do. They also let her get away with murder and never tell her not to do stuff. Sometimes they want to see her once to twice a week, so she can spend a bit of time there. It's variable though, sometimes they don't have her there for a couple of weeks. It depends on their schedule.

There may be a period coming up where they'll ask to have her round more and I'm concerned how it will impractical her.

In that case, if I am also there sometimes, I can suggest activities or encourage everyone to try teaching her certain things I'm working on - like body parts or colours etc. whatever it might be I'm trying to teach her.

I just don't like that they always want to snatch her away and are unwilling to spend time with her here.

Like I say, sometimes is fine, but it shouldn't be the expectation every time they want to spend time with her.

What does everyone else do when their children see grandparents ? Is it always on the grandparents terms at their house, without you there ? Or do you all spend time together ?

OP posts:
Looneytune253 · 07/04/2022 11:21

Why not invite them over more regularly for tea or whatever then they're spending time with her at your home and doing something nice as a family

Mumdiva99 · 07/04/2022 11:21

Just ask them to come to you. "Can we pick up Xxx today' "Oh, we are going for a walk to the park, why don't you come?"

"Can we pick up Xxxx today?" "Oh, I've been at work all week and missed her. Why don't you pop over for coffee this afternoon?"

Hugasauras · 07/04/2022 11:21

Spending time with affectionate grandparents is great for development, whatever they do together!

Indicatrice · 07/04/2022 11:22

but I do want everyone to do their part to teach her songs and not just spend time speaking to her in a baby voice and giving her kisses. It's super cute and we do it a lot

Grandparents are there for the fun bits, the parenting is for you.

Why is it ok for you to do the fun bits ‘a lot’ (to quote you), but not them?

Just let the child enjoy her grandparents and vice versa.

You are being very unreasonable.

theqentity · 07/04/2022 11:22

My mum died before she could even meet my kids and I would give a limb for her to be able to 'just' kiss and cuddle them. YABVU.

Hugasauras · 07/04/2022 11:23

Maybe suggest days out you can do together? Farm park with lunch, etc. and invite them along?

Meltedwellie · 07/04/2022 11:23

OMG, your poor in-laws. You do sound a bit of a nightmare. No wonder they want some time without you around. If you relaxed a bit more they might be more willing to spend time with you. For what it's worth when my son was two he mainly said Bah and pointed when he wanted to communicate. He's now eight and has a reading level and able to do maths at ten year old level.

PinkSyCo · 07/04/2022 11:24

So the problem you have with your MIL is that she kisses your child, speaks to her in a ‘babyish’ (age appropriate) way, doesn’t tell her off enough and doesn’t teach her enough songs? Good God OP you sound so precious and utterly joyless. No wonder MIL would rather ‘snatch her granddaughter away’ than have you scrutinising and judging their every move. Unclench and be glad that your DD has a loving grandparent ffs. Hmm

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 07/04/2022 11:24

How do you know what they are doing at her house?

mizzo · 07/04/2022 11:25

My in laws are nice enough and they love the DC but I would hate to be sitting around my house with them singing nursery rhymes!

Wilkolampshade · 07/04/2022 11:26

Well, baby talk is good for kids:
theconversation.com/amp/why-a-little-baby-talk-is-good-for-your-toddler-133412
AND you already know that time spent away from you with loving, involved adults as you're happy for her to go to nursery sooooo yes, YABU.
It's tough all this isn't it? And no one has all the answers.

Duracellbunnywannabe · 07/04/2022 11:27

@nattichix

Oh guys no. I'm just worried about her. I'm not actually teaching her stuff all the time at all.

I just think she seems behind and was trying to help her get to the same level as some of her peers.

Has she had her two year check? Have you asked nursery if she is meeting her mile stones? Its likely that some of her friends at nursery will be nearly 3 and a whole year of her in age and learning.
HikingforScenery · 07/04/2022 11:27

@Gooseberrypies

You want her time to be used well… she’s 2. Thanks for the laugh Grin they’re not obliged to ‘take [do their] any part’ in educating her.
Grin
SlashBeef · 07/04/2022 11:28

Oh mate. You gotta unclench.

HikingforScenery · 07/04/2022 11:29

@ethelredonagoodday

Have nursery raised issues with you? Kids are different and all learn at different paces. I have one really high flier, and one who frankly struggles, but I think making them happy and grounded irrespective of their achievements is one of the best thing you can do for them.
Don’t rely on whether nursery raise concerns or not OP. If you have concerns, raise them.
Favourodds · 07/04/2022 11:31

I'm working in my parents house today and so far, as far as I can discern, my toddler and my dad have watched 1 million episodes of Sarah and Duck, had a tea party, looked out of a window and said 'wind! wind!' repeatedly (both Dad and toddler) and now they seem to be eating breadsticks whilst discussing what they're going to have for pudding.

Worried about her Red Brick prospects, tbh, not a single song has been learnt.

pippinsleftleg · 07/04/2022 11:31

@LaMontser

Does your husband/partner know his colours and body parts?

If so then I think it’s safe to assume they’re ok to be taking up your two year old’s valuable time for a couple of hours a week.

This!

Plus what wry one else has said.

1000yellowdaisies · 07/04/2022 11:32

As pp have said, grandparents are there to have fun with their grandkids... the work around structured learning is for parents and frankly for children much older than 2.

I say this gently, but you are being quite unreasonable. 2 year olds learn by play, love and fun... her time at this age does not need to be 'well used'
Let her go to her grandparents and enjoy the time on your own it gives you....

Original poster
nattichix · 07/04/2022 11:32

Thanks everyone. I just find it hard not to blame myself when I see others ' more advanced '.

Nursey haven't raised anything recently no. They say she's settling OK now but doesn't listen always.

OP posts:
Sally872 · 07/04/2022 11:33

I expect grandparents will be loving and attentive so effectively teaching her loads. Talking, interacting and playing is best you can do for child. Given they are volunteering to take her I doubt they are sitting her in front of TV so whatever they do will be of benefit.

You'll get a rest and he ready for more formal educational play when dd returns.

theqentity · 07/04/2022 11:33

@nattichix

Thanks everyone. I just find it hard not to blame myself when I see others ' more advanced '.

Nursey haven't raised anything recently no. They say she's settling OK now but doesn't listen always.

I have a kid who is 'advanced' and a kid with severe learning delay, my advice is just enjoy your children exactly as they are.
babywalker56 · 07/04/2022 11:34

You sound intense

Whooshaagh · 07/04/2022 11:34

@Pyri

Ummmm you sound extreme overbearing, 2 year olds do not need to spend all their time doing structured learning

No wonder they want some time away if they know that every time they give her a kiss you’re lurking with some picture boards!

Grin
PinkSyCo · 07/04/2022 11:35

Thanks everyone. I just find it hard not to blame myself when I see others ' more advanced '.

Nursey haven't raised anything recently no. They say she's settling OK now but doesn't listen always.

You’re not blaming yourself though, you’re blaming your MIL which is ridiculous and unfair when she only has her a few hours a week!

Sally872 · 07/04/2022 11:35

Also as a parent we always worry your dd is probably fine. My 12 year old doesn't listen always, would not expect that at any age. It's almost a back handed compliment if that is all she needs to work on Flowers