To want MIL not to always take DD to her house ?

[nattichix]

Let me start by saying, I DO NOT rely on my MIL or in laws for child care. My DD is two and a few months and goes to full time nursey.

When my in laws want to spend time with her, THEY contact me to ask if they can pick her up from nursey or pick her up from my house at the weekend etc.

They rarely come to visit her here, they're always keen to just take her away to her house to ' give me a break '. So they say. I suspect they just like to be alone with her in their own home.

Generally it's OK for me. But sometimes I would rather they just spent time with her here in my home, whilst I'm also here. My DD is getting to the age now where she's really starting to learn a lot and I really want her time to be used well. I want her to have fun, but I do want everyone to do their part to teach her songs and not just spend time speaking to her in a baby voice and giving her kisses. It's super cute and we do it a lot, but if she's going to spend a lot of time at their house, I would like for them to do some educational stuff with her, which I think they don't really do. They also let her get away with murder and never tell her not to do stuff. Sometimes they want to see her once to twice a week, so she can spend a bit of time there. It's variable though, sometimes they don't have her there for a couple of weeks. It depends on their schedule.

There may be a period coming up where they'll ask to have her round more and I'm concerned how it will impractical her.

In that case, if I am also there sometimes, I can suggest activities or encourage everyone to try teaching her certain things I'm working on - like body parts or colours etc. whatever it might be I'm trying to teach her.

I just don't like that they always want to snatch her away and are unwilling to spend time with her here.

Like I say, sometimes is fine, but it shouldn't be the expectation every time they want to spend time with her.

What does everyone else do when their children see grandparents ? Is it always on the grandparents terms at their house, without you there ? Or do you all spend time together ?

@nattichix

I get why you all think I'm a loser.

But I want to clarify. My in laws would have no idea that I feel like this. I don't hover over her or them at all.

I'm just having a freak out that I've done something wrong in how I've raised her so far and need to teach her more stuff.

I'm also not blaming them. For any of it.

My heart went out to you when I read this, @nattichix. I can be quite an anxious person, and I too thought like you, when my boys were small - and I blamed myself for not being a good enough mum all the time.

But I was wrong, and so are you! Firstly, children develop at different rates, and this is especially noticeable in the early years, when they are learning and developing so much and so fast. When my eldest was just under 2, I ended up in hospital with his younger brother - and to stave off the boredom, I decided to write a list of all the words ds1 knew - and even including the ones that we, his loving parents understood, but were gobbledegook to everyone else, the list only had 35 words on it. I was sure I had done something wrong - but he was just developing his speech at a different rate to his peers.

By the time he was 4, he could talk the hind leg off a donkey - especially on his Specialist Subject, which was trains. He'd talk until you glazed over, and then he'd talk some more. He ended up reading Law at university, and you need to be able to argue your case fluently and clearly to do that, and he was good at it.

You sound like a wonderfully loving mother - and your in laws sound like loving grandparents - and with all that love surrounding them, your child will flourish - at their own pace.

I have 2, one who was fully conversant at 18m and another who is exact same age as yours and only now saying 10 words without prompting. I have parented them the exact same and arguably the youngest got more of my time.

My best friend is a speech and language therapist and is not in any way concerned about my DS. He's clearly speech delayed but he is a pandemic baby and confidence in speech is a big issue so I am actually making it worse constantly asking him to repeat the word I have said. Modelling speech is the most important at this age even though I sound deranged 'we are going to eat our soup now, oh this soup is hot, I like soup. Look at all this bread to dip in our soup' and on and on the whole day. Your child is clearly much more advanced than mine and I can honestly say that she is not speech delayed at all.

A defiant personality is not inherently a bad thing, let her take lead on things. My eldest would have me do literally everything for him and it took a very long time and hard work to get him to be able to get himself dressed independently. If your DD is telling you she wants to dress herself or put her own shoes on then go with it even though its the most frustrating thing in the world to watch someone put shoes on badly. That's a massive milestone.

Stop comparing her to other kids, it's not an indication that anyone is ahead of other kids because some develop speech quicker, some are more coordinated early. You have seen a snapshot of other kids in nursery but have no idea what things their mothers worry about. My youngest who is speech delayed could do a forward roll at 18m and can unclipped any car seat with his eyes closed. Eldest didn't do any of things until nearly 4! Take the pressure off....she's doing grand and you are too

@saraclara

I would always have assumed it was easier to mind a child in the child's own home because of toys etc but I remember my mum saying it's so much easier in her house as she's more relaxed, knows where stuff is etc.

Yep, same here. Also I can do little jobs, take DGD with me on errands, and simply feel more relaxed than I would if I was caring for her in my DD's home.
Also DGD loves having stuff of her own here. She runs straight to her toy area or her little table and chair to find her favourite 'grandma toys' (as well as her favourite 'stuff of grandma's'!) And to be honest that's what I remember of spending time with my Grandparents. The stuff that they had that I liked and went to every time, the 'other home' that was familiar to me and had familiar and loved things in it.

I'm definitely happy for her to spend time at their house a lot of the time. But sometimes I also want to be around. And not to supervise. But because she's away from me a lot and I want to spend time with her too. I actually really enjoy spending time with her AND her grandparents. We all just have a laugh with her together and entertain her.

I just want to change the default from being, we are picking her up. To occasionally they also just visit her in her home.

You're going to be very embarrassed when you look back on this.

You have got to calm down.

There has been so much in the news about communication and developmental delays in the early years because of the pandemic. I can see how this might feed into any anxieties. If you really have concerns OP, I would just keep an eye. Strangers on the internet who have never met your DD cannot know where your DD is developmentally and we will all be speaking just from our own experience with our own DCs. Trust your instincts with your own child. But I would try to separate any niggles you might be feeling about your DD from her spending a nice time with her GPs.

My dd was 2 in December. The only time she will listen to a story is at bedtime while having a cuddle and some milk. And even then she asks a million questions "who's that?", "What's that?" Etc.

When I was growing up I spent most weekends with my grandparents as my dm was a single mum and worked in a pub at the weekend. We would have so much fun that I probably learnt more spending time with them (watching tv, helping prep veg for Sunday lunch, playing in the garden) than I did when enforced learning was thrust upon me!
I'm of the mindset that kids learn more when they aren't aware of it.
My dd only has 1 grandparent (FIL) and sadly he isn't confident enough to look after her by himself, but loves having her and DH round to play and "help" in the garden. I would give anything for my dm or MIL to be able to have the same relationship with dd that I had with my grandparents.

Please don't put so much pressure on yourself about her meeting targets or comparing her to her peers either. I have a nephew and niece who are 5 year old twins. She virtually came out of the womb talking and hasn't stopped since! He barely said a word until he started reception and is easily the funniest kid I know and is in top sets in his class. Don't let the pressure on yourself spoil the time your dd has with her grandparents or you!

I rather her go to them. Make a mess, paint, get the play doh out .

Should clarify, read to her when she’s in the mood for it! Don’t make it a ‘thing’ she has to do or it’ll backfire.

Right before bed is perfect - winding down, sleepy, cuddle with mum or dad, story time. That’s all you need to do, truly.

@Jovanka

There has been so much in the news about communication and developmental delays in the early years because of the pandemic. I can see how this might feed into any anxieties. If you really have concerns OP, I would just keep an eye. Strangers on the internet who have never met your DD cannot know where your DD is developmentally and we will all be speaking just from our own experience with our own DCs. Trust your instincts with your own child. But I would try to separate any niggles you might be feeling about your DD from her spending a nice time with her GPs.

Yeah definitely. I can also count the amount of times she was around other children before starting nursey on one hand.

She started nursey at 2.

I wonder what is it really that bothers/worries you. Its natural you are nervous to be away from your young child for longer periods of time, especially if its a long way away.

Its ok for you to have your own views on what the children are doing but bare in mind that what you suggest in not usual and the child does not need to be educated this way. The child needs to feel loved and engaged, and fed, I'd say. Without your needs to be compromised too much.

I want her to have fun, but I do want everyone to do their part to teach her songs and not just spend time speaking to her in a baby voice and giving her kisses

You'd do well to look up how important 'motherese' is for child development. Also bear in mind she has already raised a child and did it well presumably as you married him!
Kids do well learning that people have different rules,that's how you negotiate life. Leave them to it.

You sound a bit overbearing

Relax, I had three, all grown up now but the times they did things were totally different despite being treated the same. I feel that children are almost pre programmed for when they are going to meet milestones. Other than walking, which they all did about 11 months everything else was different. The first one was talking fluently/reading by preschool at 3yrs old (hardbacks like naughty amelia Jane by Enid Blyton). My second got by with one word for years, ie at 3 if he wanted a drink he would say 'mulk' used to make my mum laugh as he got what he wanted with minimal effort. He also wasn't a fluent reader till 9 but road off on a bike straight away at 4, yet first one was 7 before he could ride a bike (bit dyspraxic in hindsight)....... I could go on with unlimited examples, just listen to her and take her lead, she will show you when she is ready to do things, their brains are like little sponges absorbing far more than you realise naturally😊💐

Please calm down your lucky there offering you a break not many people get that. My two year olds got a cold and sat in front of the tv all day because they want to ,I couldn’t care less. Yes we do play but not all the time you will be making a rod for your own back if your going to interact and play with them constantly it’s important they entertain themselves. They’ve got years of learning ahead why do grandparents need to be teaching them stuff ? Your child will catch up with the milestones when there ready.

@nattichix

I get why you all think I'm a loser.

But I want to clarify. My in laws would have no idea that I feel like this. I don't hover over her or them at all.

I'm just having a freak out that I've done something wrong in how I've raised her so far and need to teach her more stuff.

I'm also not blaming them. For any of it.

You are not. If you are worried more than you can handle perhaps find a bit of counselling for the anxiety. Its natural to feel worried but it can get a bit overwhelming sometimes.

At 2, the PSED (personal social and emotional development) gained from being loved by extended family and broadening her horizons is FAR more valuable than learning colours. (Which doesn’t appear anywhere in the EYFS as a learning goal by the way.

Not do riding songs. Far more valuable that she learns her value, to ask questions and to make up her own songs relevant to her interests.

Aww, don’t be so hard on yourself.

But please don’t tell the GPs to do more educational stuff with her. One of the great beauties of GPing is the different activities and conversation you get from home & that breadth of experience will benefit you DD in the long run. I don’t know what your GPs do with your DD but I take mine to the park, we bake, we do puzzles and read books, we ‘play’ music, we garden, all sorts. It’s all educational in a subtle way.

Mine 3 youngest, aged 6,9 and 11 still go to grandparents to be solely spoilt and indulged. 😂😂

Shit, are we meant to be teaching them stuff all the time? I've spent half the morning in Sainsbury's cafe with my two while the car was getting valeted. At no point did I sing a nursery rhyme or get the flash cards out.

There's a huge range and they change loads from turning 2 to turning 3. I remember a friend being upset her DS couldn't do some of the things mine could until I pointed out there was 5 months between them and that age gap is huge when you're tiny. Just relax and enjoy it, it's a cracking age.

Yanbu unreasonable to say no now and again when you feel you haven't seen dd enough. "Sorry we are going the park today you are welcome to join us?" If it suits you for them to join otherwise "sorry we are busy today, how about Tuesday?"

That is a different issue to asking them to stay at home so you can ensure quality learning. That is definitely not necessary or reasonable.

@Chewbecca

Aww, don’t be so hard on yourself.

But please don’t tell the GPs to do more educational stuff with her. One of the great beauties of GPing is the different activities and conversation you get from home & that breadth of experience will benefit you DD in the long run. I don’t know what your GPs do with your DD but I take mine to the park, we bake, we do puzzles and read books, we ‘play’ music, we garden, all sorts. It’s all educational in a subtle way.

I wouldn't say it like that. But I have said before, I'm really trying to teach body parts or colours or whatever it might be at the time and then we all make an effort to ask her and explain those things to her a bit more. I've done it very occasionally and the GP don't mind to be honest, they have fun with it I think. Sometimes they'll come out with stuff they think is important - like potty training. They think she needs to be trained. So they keep saying it.

However, I feel like the attempts to ' teach ' this way are quite futile. I don't think she likes being asked where her knees are all the time. But then I see parents ask their kids the same age as her and the kids love to respond to it.

Wish I had a mil who would take kiss spoil dd

Songs like nursery Rhymes sure they can put nursery rhymes on Alexa or YouTube

Or is tv not allowed either

If you feel dd isn’t at the level you expect talk to nursery

Sure they would say if they had any issues to you

I actually feel for some grandparents on here. I so wish I’d had parents who wanted to or were able to have such a fantastic relationship with my children. Your parents won’t be here forever, let them enjoy each other. Your daughter has family that obviously adore her. Stop trying to dictate where they see her.

Could it be possible they like to have her in their own home because they can enjoy her freely and not feel as if they're being watched/judged on how they are with her? I'm a grandparent myself and I think the grandkids appreciate that I'm probably more relaxed and free and easy than the parents are.

I think it's that that enriches a child's life, the different dynamics within the family.

I know my grandchildren love me so I must have got something right.