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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask whether you miss your old child free life?

247 replies

Gdionysus · 06/04/2022 13:56

DP and I are in our early 30s, both professionals living together in the city. Currently we’re very happy with our lives, enjoy regular holidays and spontaneous trips away, socialising with friends most weeks and a lot of eating out. As much as I love our lives at the moment, I feel we’re getting to the stage where we need to make a decision as to whether we went to choose the child free life or start to put the foundations in place to have children (marriage, plus I already know I can’t have children naturally, so would have to go down the IVF route which takes time).

Part of us feels as though we don’t want to give up the freedom we have right now, yet also worry we could regret the decision not to have children 10 years down the line, where it may be much harder/almost impossible given the fertility issues I already have.

Would be interested to know, for those who took the plunge and decided to have children, would you do the same if you had the choice again?

OP posts:

AHungryCaterpillar · 06/04/2022 13:57

Definitely wouldn’t have had children if I could go back in time.

mamabeeboo · 06/04/2022 14:03

Hi, I'm 31, my DS is 15 months, and plenty of my friends are single/without children, travelling, studying etc.

I personally don't miss my "old" child free live. I have really enjoyed being a mum, and have embraced the new changes. I don't miss out going out with friends, because I leave DS with DH and off I go. DH does the same with his friends, or hobbies. We also leave DS with our parents, and have been on 2 holidays, with a third planned in June. We have several date nights with DS left with another mum friend I have made locally, and I return the favour to her.

I will be the first to say we are fortunate with being able to arrange help. I think we would struggle to do so if we didn't have so many people involved and willing to pitch in.

20viona · 06/04/2022 14:03

Absolutely I miss it but my daughter is my world.

kikisparks · 06/04/2022 14:04

Yes and no… life with 5 month old DD is wonderful and I am incredibly happy, do not regret having her one bit and I’m much more fulfilled than when I was struggling with infertility. But I do miss the ability to do a spontaneous cinema trip with DH for example. She’ll only be little for a short time and we’ll get that free time back gradually as she gets older. I think I might regret a second and the increased restrictions on our freedom that would bring so we are almost certainly one and done.

Hugasauras · 06/04/2022 14:06

I don't miss it particularly but we had a relatively quiet life anyway, so it wasn't much of an adjustment. We prefer our own company most of the time and holidays were often UK-based with the dog, so it wasn't a massive shift for us in lifestyle. I think it's harder to adjust if you have a very different lifestyle.

EdgyNeonAnt · 06/04/2022 14:06

I miss certain parts, but overall I prefer having kids and wouldn't do anything differently given the chance.
I miss things like being able to just go out to the shops, for example, without having to get 2 small people ready and possibly in a clean nappy before I go. We also can't spontaneously decide we want to to go the cinema or go out for dinner later as the kids need to be in bed early. I definitely miss sleeping through the night and getting up whenever I like, but that's a temporary thing.
For me, the positives heavily outweigh the negatives.

sleepyhoglet · 06/04/2022 14:07

No, felt like I was waiting for my life to begin. Ok, so the mess and toys is a bit annoying but love the relationship I have with my daughter.

TeapotCollection · 06/04/2022 14:08

I’m 50 and happily child free. I hear way more people saying they wouldn’t have kids if they could turn the clock back than those who say they’d do it all over again

Lamujere · 06/04/2022 14:10

I had my children relatively young (first one at 23) so I didn't have the well off, child free years that you are talking about. All my 'good times', speaking materially, came later. My children are now in their 30s and my absolute best friends. There is no other bond in life that compares, for me, but it isn't necessarily for everyone.

RLOU30 · 06/04/2022 14:11

I miss my old life (that’s truly what it is) immensely I think about it often with a desperate urge to relive it but nothing compares to the love I have for my 3 year old. Every day I learn from him and him from me it’s beautiful.
Good luck whatever you decide!

Mumoblue · 06/04/2022 14:11

I would absolutely make the same choice again, but yeah I quite often would like a day off from being a mum.

The best advice I can give is to examine why you want kids. I know too many people who had kids just because they got to a certain age and “that’s what you do”, without really considering whether they want to do the day to day stuff of having a kid.

LizzieMacQueen · 06/04/2022 14:12

Only the sleep part of it but you get used to broken sleep after a while 😁

BobHadBitchTits · 06/04/2022 14:12

@AHungryCaterpillar

Definitely wouldn’t have had children if I could go back in time.

I honestly feel exactly the same.

Furrbabymama87 · 06/04/2022 14:13

To he honest I can't really remember not having kids. I had my first at 20 and my fourth at 28. I miss spontaneity sometimes I guess, but that might be just an age thing as I was young then and I'm now mid 30s.

SerendipitySunshine · 06/04/2022 14:13

No, I had a brilliant life before but having my children has been the best bit so far. I had IVF too, so feel incredibly grateful.

IWentAwayIStayedAway · 06/04/2022 14:14

Im in my 50s with 3 children and wouldnt change a thing. Love being a parent. But i was well settled and had travelled extensively beforehand

SadButTheTruth · 06/04/2022 14:14

Unlike you I didn’t know we would have fertility issues, but thought having got married in our mid twenties we would have loads of time to reproduce. Also like you we were both young professionals with lots of disposable cash and wanted to enjoy ourselves and travel as much as possible so we went away 3 times a year in luxury holidays and had an absolute whale of a time for the first 7 years of marriage. Then a separate health issue led to the discovery of a huge fertility issue and the pressure was on. It was only then, under that pressure that we both admitted we very much wanted children and totally dedicated ourselves to making all the changes that were necessary to make that happen. I do miss the travel and freedom but I think the thing to really consider is whether you see yourself in the future with or without kids. If we had left it any longer there was a good chance we may not have had our 2 girls. Do the research on the obstacles you face now so you’re fully informed and don’t look back later in regret. It is about where you see yourself in the future and being honest about it. And if you don’t have kids or decide not to, that’s fine too, but let yourself be informed about the reality so you can make that decision with all the facts to hand.

Llamapolice · 06/04/2022 14:15

My old life sounds like yours. I had my first at 36 (would have been earlier but also had fertility issues). We loved cinema, theatre and travel so we did lots of that before we had our daughter, and I felt ready to move on to the next phase. I was happy as we were but I also knew it would get stale for me and that I wanted children to feel fulfilled.

If you love your lives as they are and don't feel you need more, then I would lean towards not having children. For me it really was a case of "this is lovely but it's not going to make me happy forever, I really want a child." The pull was strong. Kids are really hard work and a lot of sacrifice, and I wouldn't change it for the world but you really do have to want to do it. My two best friends are childfree by choice and they are equally happy with their decisions.

MargaritasOnMe · 06/04/2022 14:19

No. I had a brilliant time pre-kids but was definitely ready for something new/different. Had my first at 30 and then two more! I love being a parent and wouldn't swap it for anything.

SummerInSun · 06/04/2022 14:19

We didn't manage to have kids until our late 30s, and by then the routine of our child free life wasn't as exciting and fulfilling as it had seemed in our 20s and early 30s. When the kids came along it changed things hugely but made our lives so much richer. Yes we do miss the things you talk about but as the kids get older (now 9 and 6) we are more and more able to do interesting travel, nice places to eat, etc, with them. And we are probably only a few years away from being able to leave them at home for a couple of hours if we wanted to go out during the day on the weekend. Actually if you adult life is at least 50 years between 20 and 70, the 20 odd years your kids are at home isn't that long.

A key thing though is that you have to make sure to carve out time for adult life even once you have kids. Taking turns staying with the kids so each of you can go out with friends, exercise, wander around shops, go to an event, whatever. And getting occasional babysitting for time out together.

Ohyesiam · 06/04/2022 14:20

I both regretted it heavily in the first few years, and think it’s the best thing I’ve ever done🙃. The regret was around loss of freedom, but the love you feel ( and receive) just blows you away.
It comes down to the fact that being human is messy. We won’t be able to stage our lives exactly as we want them for ever. There’s always illness, war, loss of status, global pandemic, growing old alone, or simply not being able to call your time your own because you are breastfeeding a clingy baby.

Whichever side you go for the only solutions to the inevitable problems ( to my mind) are support of good friends and community. Good psychological support, knowing yourself well, and the ability to take a deep breath, pull yourself up and make the most of what you are living through.

IndigoNZ1 · 06/04/2022 14:20

I don’t miss my pre-kid life at all. My kids are amazing and are excited to join us on all our random adventures (travelling, hiking, going to “adult” places like museums, galleries, and ballet). We also do lots of fun kids things that we all enjoy and we get to relive our childhood adventures. I was in my late 30s by the time I had them so already past the clubbing/nightlife stage though. While some sort of general routine is inevitable, we still do lots of spontaneous things like booking trips to other countries the day before and going to random events

savedbyanalien · 06/04/2022 14:20

You can still go out and get drunk, have a party till 3am! Just parenting being hungover is extremely difficult.

Holidays are still a go, you just can't be spontaneous.

I don't miss my pre-children life at all. I love my life with kids, but I still maintain a healthy social life of my own.

OutingHobby · 06/04/2022 14:20

I miss being able to just get on and make lunch

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 06/04/2022 14:22

not overly but I don't think I much enjoyed my childfree life as much as it sounds like you enjoy yours.

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