To ask whether you miss your old child free life?

[Gdionysus]

DP and I are in our early 30s, both professionals living together in the city. Currently we’re very happy with our lives, enjoy regular holidays and spontaneous trips away, socialising with friends most weeks and a lot of eating out. As much as I love our lives at the moment, I feel we’re getting to the stage where we need to make a decision as to whether we went to choose the child free life or start to put the foundations in place to have children (marriage, plus I already know I can’t have children naturally, so would have to go down the IVF route which takes time).

Part of us feels as though we don’t want to give up the freedom we have right now, yet also worry we could regret the decision not to have children 10 years down the line, where it may be much harder/almost impossible given the fertility issues I already have.

Would be interested to know, for those who took the plunge and decided to have children, would you do the same if you had the choice again?

Yes very much so, but we're in the thick of it at the moment with a toddler. In a couple of years I'm sure things will be easier and we'll get a bit more time back.

We had a child late after marrying in out 30s and having nearly 10 years child-free. It was great but I'm still happy with our decision. I think I would have regretted not having a child more.

Blissfully childfree here. (Childfree means does not have and absolutely will not have a kid, by choice. It does not mean ‘before I had a kid’) You’d need to have strong reasons for forcing a consumer into existence on a dying planet. Upcoming climate catastrophe, climate refugees, food and water shortages all by 2050. ‘Meh, it’s what you do’ doesn’t really cut it. (And it never should)

I get very occasional pangs of jealousy when single friends are doing glam things and don’t even invite me! But I’m so glad I had kids. It dh on the later side of things at 33 and then I was 37 when I had my first (post ivf, was aiming to be 36 in terms of when we started trying). If you already know you’re going to need ivf and you feel you’re with the right person you could be really organised and bank some embryos now but not transfer - thereby giving yourself the best chance of good quality etc. Your age feels young (to me) to have kids and I’m personally loving doing it post pandemic and in my late 30s when I don’t feel there’s anything i would prefer to be doing and also don’t feel ancient either. I do also acknowledge I was extremely fortunate to have quick success with ivf the first time so I didn’t need to regret any of my hedonistic life choices.

Some really interesting viewpoints here - I hope you're getting closer to a decision rather than further away!

I would add that this idea of regretting not having kids shouldn't be the main factor - plenty of mums regret having them too, it works both ways and you'll never know how it's likely to go for you.

Also, when I was making the decision myself, a lot of women would say things like "if you're not 100% sure, don't have them" and I think that should also be ignored - all decisions are a mix of good and bad, gain and loss, and if someone claimed to be 100% sure, I'd think they were lying to themselves. You're deciding between two very different paths, it's okay to be uncertain and take a leap.

@Gdionysus

DP and I are in our early 30s, both professionals living together in the city. Currently we’re very happy with our lives, enjoy regular holidays and spontaneous trips away, socialising with friends most weeks and a lot of eating out. As much as I love our lives at the moment, I feel we’re getting to the stage where we need to make a decision as to whether we went to choose the child free life or start to put the foundations in place to have children (marriage, plus I already know I can’t have children naturally, so would have to go down the IVF route which takes time).

Part of us feels as though we don’t want to give up the freedom we have right now, yet also worry we could regret the decision not to have children 10 years down the line, where it may be much harder/almost impossible given the fertility issues I already have.

Would be interested to know, for those who took the plunge and decided to have children, would you do the same if you had the choice again?

I had DS at 32, he's now almost 3. Honesty, no regrets at all. We still have regular holidays, eat out all the time (DS LOVES a restaurant) and we socialize with friends every week. I've actually got so many social invitations coming up that I can't fit them all in . If anything my life got more Social after DS as we made some parent friends and now have even more people to socialize with.

I don't do as much boozing or late night stuff any more, and it's trickier to be spontaneous on a big scale but otherwise feel like we kind of carry on like we did before with a fun little sidekick in tow?

I think one thing that made it a lot easier was that we didn't leave the big city for the suburbs. It's easier to have a well rounded and somewhat spontaneous life when everything is on your doorstep. We can just wake up one morning and decide to go to a museum, as opposed to making a day trip out of it, for example.

I massively regret my decision to have children, and if I could go back, I wouldn't have them. I love them, yes, but I dont really enjoy it, and they cost so much money.

We're 38 (me) and 40 (DH) and have been together for 17 years. We've chosen not to have children.
Many small and large factors have contributed to our decision, but a key one for us is that we have a really lovely life, but don't live anywhere near our family who could provide the occasional bit of respite. We've seen couples do it with both sets of grandparents up the road, and we've seen couples do it where they are totally on their own and have to outsource everything, and we know which looks harder.
So I guess what I'm saying OP is - if you're considering having kids, now is the time to get yourself well positioned for support and then you'll still be able to do some of the things that you enjoy.

Also - whilst im early in the parenting journey, I don’t find it hard or as limiting as people make out. And I thought I was a pretty selfish person. My dh pulls his weight, we both work, it’s a juggle but we do loads of fun stuff with our dc that does not involve soft play or peppa pig. It’s still possible to parent more like it’s the 80s, ie with friends, wine, and quite a chilled vibe.

No, but we consciously chose to have 1 child, DH rightly does his fair share of everything (as he should but sadly many don't), a good support network and a flexible job- all of which make a huge difference. I see friends plenty, we go on date nights, can afford nice holidays and activities for weekends and annual leave. I love being a mum but I love also still having the chance to do stuff for myself. However I also was very blessed to have a brilliant life before having DS, I think I'd be just as fulfilled and content if we had remained childfree it would just be different! Now having DS wouldn't change it for the world though, but no one will be able to give you a definitive answer as it depends really. Life doesn't stop though you can still do plenty with children and stuff you wouldn't do without them- but of course there are concessions and things do change

If I could go back in time I definitely wouldn’t have children. They’ve taken everything away from me - my money, my freedom, my sleep, my healthy pain-free body. I’m trapped now, and I can’t leave their father either because I don’t want to be a single parent.

I am pregnant with my first now and some of my biggest stresses have been about how much I'll miss our life as it is and how we'll get any time together once the baby is here.. Or tbh not even so much the 'baby' but the child as it grows and moves past the point of being fairly portable so we are stuck in every evening past 6pm! We are lucky to have family support but obviously it will be a long while until they are ready for an overnight stay with grandparents.

I also have 2 SCs already so have years of experience of how monotonous and dull it can be with children...same TV shows over and over, films you have no interest in, soft play, games over and over etc etc.

But I am hoping that the love I will feel and the new world it opens up in terms of experiencing things again through their eyes and seeing them enjoy things for the first time will make up for the change in lifestyle :).

I have always known I wanted children but it's definitely a hard decision to make when you know your life as you know it will be completely turned upside down.

Can I give a perspective from someone who went through this years ago? I'm 65 and approaching retirement. DH and i put having children on hold for nearly 7 years after we married, we enjoyed travelling and going out a lot in those years. Several of our friends decided not to have children so the partying and concerts and other spontaneous things went on into our thirties. I did want a baby though and we had a try because I had a sneaking feeling I might not be able to have one and I wanted to get that out of the way. Totally to my surprise i got pregnant within weeks of coming off the pill - I'd been on it 18 years. We had two sons, 3 years between them and yes it is hard work, yes everything changes and I think working full time actually made it easier for me as i had work to escape to from the domestic drudgery.
My experience was that 0 - 5 was really difficult. 5-11 was a doddle and great fun and that after 11 although you are basically providing a taxi service there is huge joy in sharing new books, music and life in general together.
Was it worth it , oh yes, although I'm not a granny yet I now have the joy of theatre trips, long walks, sharing recipes ( they are both very keen cooks) gallery trips etc. This year I will get my liberty again when I retire. I see retirement as the opportunity to return to living as I did when I was a teenager or early 20's (though without all the awful boyfriends, just lovely DH) I've no doubt this new way of living will include lots of adventures with my sons, and DS2's delightful girlfriend. Don't just concentrate on the difficult years that are soon over, the experience of having children over a lifetime is amazing.

@BooseysMom

I came late to parenting having DS at nearly 41 and although I longed for another, I've found peace and am happily one and done. I was adamant I never wanted kids and then something clicked in my late 30s and I don't regret a thing. Even when DS won't stop playing Roblox I don't regret it! The only thing I truly find hard to get to grips with is the constant worry..that's something every parent has to learn to live with. I don't want to go back to my life before DS as I was lost and depressed. But everyone has a different life story. I wish you luck whatever you decide in your lives x

@BooseysMom

As the poster said, I too was feeling lost and depressed. I was late 30s when I gave birth and am solo mother by choice (IVF with a sperm donor). I do not miss my old life which from the mid 30s to late 30s consisted of OLD disasters.

As I'm sure you're aware IVF isn't the fertility panacea many would have you believe. The success rates are low for all age groups overall, and it is an expensive and invasive procedure, however it does work for some and I'm so so grateful to have been given the opportunity to be a parent.

Good luck with whatever you decide!

I do, I was always unsure about having kids. Mine are 3 and 6 now, really miss my old life, but absolutely wouldn't change things, as I would be missing out on so much by not having kids. Either way has pros and cons. Could've made a very happy life without kids too. It's Really hard as life with kids is such an unknown until you have them. At these ages starting to have a bit more freedom again and feel life will keep coming back to me as the kids get older.

I don't really miss it. Sometimes it would be nice to just hang out just the two of us, or go on more holidays and sleep in, but generally I love spending time with my kid, and spending time as a family. I genuinely feel like my 5yo is my friend so it feels like I have gained a friend and not really lost anything. We can still do most of the things we did pre-kids, apart from drinking till late, but I feel like I'm too old for that anyway. Haha.

I was 20 when I had DD, pre school years we went to Australia Singapore and Thailand had some really good trips. School years harder as we have to stick to school holidays but have been to the US , Caribbean and European holidays . I don't really regret having children seeing DDs face light up at the wonders abroad has been really fulfilling.

I don't miss it in the slightest. I can still do the things I did pre-kids but now I do them with the kids (some with adjustments or a v v occasional babysitter). I agree with the pp who mentioned seeing the world through a new lens.

Personal circs make a massive difference though. I've got spare cash, a very supportive dh and v easy, kids.

NO.

HTH.

I'm childfree and love my life. Have never regretted it for a second and am absolutely fine with having "missed out" on the family experience.

Nearly 40 now, knew never wanted kids, met a man that never wanted them either. Cant have them either (discovered only recently ) so maybe my mind was telling me something. A lot of my friends have children ( some only had them as a box ticking exercise as it was expected of them) and i see their exhaustion and struggles every day. However when my sister had her children, it was the 1st time i really felt what people say love and did question it sometimes since. I do help out alot and i am exhausted from it. I couldn't deal with that every day. They want your attention constantly. They are the best kids in the world but god hard work. I suppose parents get used to that do that ? I don't have any regrets now, i have three dogs and two cats plus a small business to run aswell as my own full time job which i like. My life is busy, but i do like my peaceful evenings to be able to get a shower in peace and watch telly . And i like that i have that choice. My own mother i think had them as it was expected of her and i think she regretted it, this showed in her raising of me i think. One tip i will give you if you do decide to have them , make sure you get time for yourself while raising them, get out for lunch go away just the two of you - make sure you get some adult time

Yes, so fucking much. I love my DD and I'd be broken if anything happened to her but I really didn't realise what I was getting myself into. I am so not cut out for this and if I'd known how unhappy it would make me I'm not sure I'd have had children.

I wasn’t ready in my early 30s, felt similar to you.
A few years later really struggled and now pregnant with my second at 38 and wish I’d done it earlier. Both pregnancies through a long, costly and at times extremely emotionally painful and draining ivf process.

I 100% definitely miss my old life but nowhere near as much as I enjoy having my son.

I’m 31, fiancé is 29 and we have a 10 month old son & I wouldn’t change it for anything. Similar to you we loved our life together before having our boy and enjoyed lovely holidays / date days / nights out with friends etc and yes it doesn’t happen as much now but we still have a life outside of just being mum and dad and have holidays planned with him and can’t wait to enjoy and make memories together as a family.

Yes sometimes I wish I could go for a wee without the door being pushed open by a crawling bubba but my god the love and happiness he brings us isn’t comparable to anything and I still enjoy me time every single day.. sometimes it’s 20 minutes in the bath and other days it’s a facial or an hour at the gym.. becoming a parent doesn’t mean giving up everything.. just have to adapt and still remember time as a couple or as an individual is still important! ❤️

My children gave me a reason to live.

My children have enriched my life. I don't really remember what life was like before...although I had DD1 quite young (23) so didn't really have those carefree years that people talk about in their 20s. Also, I'm at the stage now in my late 30s where my children are older and DH and I have some freedom. We can have nights out on our own and go for meals etc and do things without them.

I always wanted children. I would go back and do it all again in a heartbeat.