To ask whether you miss your old child free life?

[Gdionysus]

DP and I are in our early 30s, both professionals living together in the city. Currently we’re very happy with our lives, enjoy regular holidays and spontaneous trips away, socialising with friends most weeks and a lot of eating out. As much as I love our lives at the moment, I feel we’re getting to the stage where we need to make a decision as to whether we went to choose the child free life or start to put the foundations in place to have children (marriage, plus I already know I can’t have children naturally, so would have to go down the IVF route which takes time).

Part of us feels as though we don’t want to give up the freedom we have right now, yet also worry we could regret the decision not to have children 10 years down the line, where it may be much harder/almost impossible given the fertility issues I already have.

Would be interested to know, for those who took the plunge and decided to have children, would you do the same if you had the choice again?

There are times I miss being childfree. I'd love to have a lazy Sunday morning followed by brunch, rather than taking my DD to her 9am swimming lesson! I also wince every time I have to pay for childcare as it's a lot of money.

Overall though I'm so glad I became a parent and definitely wouldn't change it if I had my time again.

I do think that my life might have been a bit less glam than yours though from what you've written, and we weren't big on exotic holidays so nothing to give up there.

@Gdionysus

DP and I are in our early 30s, both professionals living together in the city. Currently we’re very happy with our lives, enjoy regular holidays and spontaneous trips away, socialising with friends most weeks and a lot of eating out. As much as I love our lives at the moment, I feel we’re getting to the stage where we need to make a decision as to whether we went to choose the child free life or start to put the foundations in place to have children (marriage, plus I already know I can’t have children naturally, so would have to go down the IVF route which takes time).

Part of us feels as though we don’t want to give up the freedom we have right now, yet also worry we could regret the decision not to have children 10 years down the line, where it may be much harder/almost impossible given the fertility issues I already have.

Would be interested to know, for those who took the plunge and decided to have children, would you do the same if you had the choice again?

Never regretted it. I miss being able to do whatever we want when we want but I'm so glad that we've had kids.

Absolutely yes and it's not all doom and gloom when you have kids. Yes it can be rough in the early days if you are not used to sleep deprivation, have a baby with colic or reflux or two close together but you get through it much easier if you have a partner who is 50:50. If you don't then it would be so much harder. So many women choose to have kids with a guy that was feckless before they had kids so despite both people working full time it would be the woman doing the cooking, cleaning and general life administration. That is fine (not really) when you're well rested but chuck in post birth complications and a baby that cries all the time or won't sleep unless they are on you it's different. Then the , 'oh Joe is a typical bloke, doesn't know his way around the kitchen' becomes the arse who can't even make you lunch whilst your breastfeeding the baby and have been up all night. Your perspective changes!

I have 3 and each have had their challenges when babies (slow weight gain, reflux, colic). They are absolutely amazing little people and bring me lots of joy, not to say they aren't bloody annoying sometimes but I don't regret my choice.

The only thing I miss is a lack of spontaneity, previously I'd just book a weekend away without any thought but I have to plan now. We still do go away when we can but you have to adjust your expectations so if we go out for lunch, won't for dinner because the kids will be crabby by then.

I'd say if you need to make a list of the pros and cons kids aren't for you.

I never miss my child free life, but we were both in our late 30s when we started a family, so had already done our fill of travel/study/career progression and were totally ready for the next stage of our lives.

I think this is a really good question to ask yourselves. I wandered into having kids and am a single mother not by choice. At the moment with the state of the world I am scared for my kids future. I was fortunate to not have fertility issues but think I'd have probably become fixated with having kids and really wanted them more and made it a massive thing when I think it's perfectly possible to be happy without having them. Last week I found out my middle child had stolen my credit card and spent £1800 on it and I wonder what I did wrong. Like once you are on the treadmill of working /childcare it's hard to spend quality time with the kids and It's relentless work and very little fun. Of course I love them with all my heart but I know I could have been happy without them in a different way to what I am happy now. Sorry that doesn't really answer your question just I admire you for thinking about it rather than just forging on ahead and doing what society expects. I'd probably say if you don't really yearn for them then don't have them. Fertility treatment is gruelling and I've seen it destroy one very happy relationship. Having kids changed a relationship especially as in laws become more close and the consequences of how they parent so apparent and can be bad for a relationship.

We definitely missed our child free life at first. Then it became a distant memory!

Having said that, we still travelled a lot and went out loads when ours were small. We’re coming out the other side of it now and very much looking forward to being empty nesters.

May be a controversial opinion, but I think if you think you’ll miss wild nights out and socialising, you’re probably not that keen to have a baby.

While we miss the ability to lie in, DH and I weirdly don’t find we miss nights out really. I’d rather have the children than another year of partying, although we had started to naturally slow down on that before getting pregnant anyway.

I didn't feel very strongly about children at any point but had the similar thought of "will we regret it later if we don't have them?". We thought we'd give it a go and if it happens then great, if not then fine too. In the end we had 2 DC, no fertility issues so I can't comment on that aspect. I think in hindsight I would be happy either way, but with different priorities.

I came late to parenting having DS at nearly 41 and although I longed for another, I've found peace and am happily one and done. I was adamant I never wanted kids and then something clicked in my late 30s and I don't regret a thing. Even when DS won't stop playing Roblox I don't regret it! The only thing I truly find hard to get to grips with is the constant worry..that's something every parent has to learn to live with.
I don't want to go back to my life before DS as I was lost and depressed. But everyone has a different life story.
I wish you luck whatever you decide in your lives x

Its two different destinations...
we had a very nice life lots of holidays, days out, experiences and treats. We decided to "have a go" and i have just had my first.

We took on a fairly sizeable mortgage for a "family" home and are now looking eyewateringly expensive nurserys (>2k per month)

What i would say is as the woman you need to be sure you are all in because you are doing the hard yards (espec if ivf is involved) and you are the one most significantly impacted. I was / am very 50-50 about it which has made it harder for me. Its early days and i still find some joy in it. My DH is massively keen and very hands on which helps.

Hey OP!

I have an 18 month old and am currently 3 months pregnant with DC2. Up until around 4 years ago I thought I never wanted children. There are tough days when I think to myself ‘my god how easy was life before I became a mum and didn’t have to deal with this!’ But, and it’s a big but! Every other day makes it worth while, in my opinion. Children open up a whole new world and my DC brings me so much joy.

It’s a tough one, don’t rush in to it and don’t let everyone else’s opinion on parenthood influence you. Have a talk with your OH and sit on it for a while and then talk about it some more. I hope you get to the conclusion that you need x

No. If I’m being honest, we do pretty much the same things that we did before dc, if anything, I do more now with dh and dc then pre dc! We love the outdoors, walking, camping, travelling and still do all of that, still go out to cafes/restaurants as well as art galleries etc, we just have a cheeky toddler in tow now & it’s lovely seeing the world through her eyes. I just feel more appreciative of things and content about life in general.

I’ve never been a big party person, so don’t miss big nights out at all, I was always the one sneaking out early!

Without being soppy, I look at dd everyday and feel so very grateful to have her in our lives. We are also ttc another baby, so I think that’s a tell tale sign that we enjoy having children in our lives!

So, yeh, I don’t miss anything about my ‘old life’ except perhaps we had abit more money 🤣

Not really. Dh and I were together for over 10 years before we had kids. Travelled, had loads of holidays, ate out lots, enjoyed having a few drinks. Life was very nice and we enjoyed pleasing ourselves. Having kids hasn't ended all that, but it's certainly drastically reduced the frequency. I don't really mind though as I suppose I was ready for a change of pace and I enjoy being a mum. I'm still me, still got my friends, still make sure DH and I take time to enjoy time together as a couple. Life's different but I'm still happy. Also I know DH and I will get a chance to increase previously enjoyed activities like holidays and going out more as the kids get older and I feel like we’ll enjoy them all the more because of the ‘break’ we took from them when we had small kids!

Children are a gift. I would never go back to child free life. It pales in comparison to the richness of life kids bring. Also, they are young for a short time and then you have wonderful extra people in your life, who you love and love you in return like no one else. Don't hesitate. Have kids.

While it is hard having children and I do enjoy time to myself, I definitely do not regret that they are here. I always knew I wanted children and knew there would be shitty times but I still had that horrible, all consuming urge to have them.

I do have a friends who have had children as a box ticking exercise and through FOMO (they've told me this themselves) and they really regret their choice, sometimes quite bitterly so.

Sorry, that's probably of no help to you!

I echo the poster that says they hope you come to the conclusion you need.

DH and I were exactly like you and took the plunge in our late 30s after 20 years together.

We basically are doing all the things we used to do but with DS aged 2 in tow, and with some adjustments - lunch / early evening meals rather than late dinners - family rooms instead of cosy hotels etc - drinks and food at friends’ houses (most have kids now anyway)

I do miss some parts of it - the extra packing just to take off on a last minute weekend away is painful! But otherwise it’s fun seeing the world through a new lens, and I don’t feel like I’m missing anything, because we’ve done it already. I don’t really drink that much now and feel much better for it.

It’s not for everyone though. And DS is fairly laid back which makes it easier! Plus we have a babysitter once a month so we can still do nice things together.

I had DC at 35 and 38 so I don't feel I am missing out on anything as I fit a lot in pre parenthood. That said, I wouldn't mind occasionally slipping into my pre-parent life just for a day/night (I think there was a story line in one of the SATC films - maybe the crap second one - where Carrie was letting Charlotte use her old flat as a base to escape her life for a bit, I'd love that!)

But on the whole I have no regrets. My DC are wonderful and fill my life with joy (mostly!!) I do think it might be different if I hadn't done everything I wanted to do before having them, though.

Yes, every day. DS is autistic & Im perpetually exhausted. I can't remember the last time I did something for myself or felt happy. I don't wish he wasn't here, but I don't enjoy my life any more.

It's a yes and no for me too.

My kids are 5 and 3 and we're starting to get some of our old life back. It's easier to get baby sitters and we could go away for a few nights by ourselves.

It's not like our days pre kids and we live in the suburbs etc.

That said, we're 38 now and we are super planning for retirement. We will be 52 when our youngest is 18 and we plan to downsize to a fab apartment in Greenwich or Clerkenwell once she moves out and have lots of holidays / travel again.

I adore my daughters, but I doubt anyone would say they never miss their old life. Especially at the moment as I have covid and looking after kids at the same time as being poorly is hard.

I would say though, we are lucky enough to have a big house, lots of disposable income, everything is equally split and we can have the occasional weekend away with my MIL looking after the kids. If money was tight, or I was doing everything I would hate it.

ONLY ALL THE FUCKING TIME

May be a controversial opinion, but I think if you think you’ll miss wild nights out and socialising, you’re probably not that keen to have a baby.

The OP didn’t say anything about “wild nights out”. That’s your stereotypical thinking.

I don't find my life changed much after having DS. All the things you mentioned I do with DS, it's obviously a different experience though. I can't just go out clubbing whenever I want but I don't do that often anyway.

I was you 15 years ago, minus the certainty around infertility.

When my DC and I were younger, I missed my pre-kids life chronically. I resented myself for choosing to have them. So do my DH, tbh.

Now, I think I’d be desperately unhappy to be the age that I am and be child free. To not know this kind of family life, to not have the experience of having and raising children, to not experience the fundamental human love we have for each other. It’s as much part of me as my pre-DC life shaped my identity.

I always knew I’d miss my old life. It was amazing!! But I knew my biological clock was ticking and I had to sacrifice the life I had then for what I have now. If anything, I regret that being a woman made me go through that. (Then again, pregnancy and childbirth and breastfeeding were hugely important experiences to me, and I had no idea about any of it before it happened).

I have no regrets. I lived an amazing life before DC, had a shitty few years when they were babies and toddlers and I was stuck with them, and I have an amazing life again now. I think my life will become more stressful again as they get even older - but I’m older too and have more experience. I’m optimistic that things will work out just fine for all of us (touch wood!).

Think about why you want DC, and remember that it’s not just about you. You will have a responsibility to those DC. There’s no obligation to procreate. It can be the best decision for everyone concerned NOT to have DC.