To ask whether you miss your old child free life?

[Gdionysus]

DP and I are in our early 30s, both professionals living together in the city. Currently we’re very happy with our lives, enjoy regular holidays and spontaneous trips away, socialising with friends most weeks and a lot of eating out. As much as I love our lives at the moment, I feel we’re getting to the stage where we need to make a decision as to whether we went to choose the child free life or start to put the foundations in place to have children (marriage, plus I already know I can’t have children naturally, so would have to go down the IVF route which takes time).

Part of us feels as though we don’t want to give up the freedom we have right now, yet also worry we could regret the decision not to have children 10 years down the line, where it may be much harder/almost impossible given the fertility issues I already have.

Would be interested to know, for those who took the plunge and decided to have children, would you do the same if you had the choice again?

Not for a second! Being gay, we have lots of child free friends our age and despite their seemingly endless weekend city breaks and bottomless brunches Inwould not swap for a second.
You’ll still get some time out and about but you’ll also meet a whole raft of new friends through your kids and experience things you never would as a childless adult.

I wouldn't do it again, but I was a single parent at 24. Maybe if I'd been older and had a partner I may feel differently.

However I'm very introverted and my DC didn't know how to entertain herself which meant either I was entertaining her or worried about her not being entertained/being bored which added another level of stress and dislike of parenting for me.

I miss it at times when I see my friends going out whilst I'm stuck at home with a baby. But it's only fleeting thoughts, and it's certainly not any proper regret. I wouldn't change my life with my baby for anything in the world

No. What's to miss.. I have mum friends who I trust and can be myself with and a DD who mostly behaves... Life so much easier now with DD than before. It depends on your life before I suppose

No way would I trade life with my dc for life without. It's so much richer for having them, they're my world.

You can't imagine what the love feels like until you have them.

I underwent IVF around your age: we were v lucky and it was successful first time. I certainly went through an intense stage of adjustment, almost mourning my old life, but gradually you come out of it and adjust. I remember starting small and reclaiming time for myself-even if that was just a walk alone in the evenings in summer when baby was asleep, or having an afternoon to myself. Then as they get a bit bigger, meals out with partner when we could get a babysitter. Now with a preschooler I think we have a good life balance again. DP and I go out on dates again semi regularly. And I really really cherish the new friends I’ve made since having a child - I’ve been on holidays with them when we all had toddlers - self catering tired chaos but we have a great time and a change of scene. If I never had a child I wouldn’t have made those wonderful friends and I always remind myself of that when I’ve had wobbly moments.
Weekends I now enjoy again - preschoolers are great companions. We go out to cities, parks, cafes etc. They sleep nice and early so I have evenings together with partner and we enjoy watching new programmes or reading. We do the garden. It’s a simpler life, but one I cherish. You have to work hard to build a new life that you enjoy. I get time now to exercise and make sure my DP does too. We each have some hobby time.
I think settling at one child can offer a good compromise of experiencing the great parts of parenting whilst also having a bit of space and time for yourself.

I had children in my early twenties and in my late thirties/early forties and without a shadow of a doubt its been harder as an old mum. Apart from that, no I never regretted having children, they are my everything. Before I had children I didn’t realise how much they could mean for a person. I have five children and would have more if I could ! 😊

I think I did in the early days when it was most challenging, although I never regretted my son.

He's 8 now and I don't miss my old life at all. I love having my son and doing things with him. Me and Dh have always been lovers of the lake district and DS loves it just as much as we do.

I love watching him learn about the world and seeing his personality develop.

I miss it. I also love my current life with a fast approaching 17 year old. I’ll also miss this life in a decade probably. But then I look forward to the future and what that might bring (babies I can spoil and hand back 😁😁).

@natureshere

In all honesty I don't think I'd have made a great mother, and as an introvert who needs a lot of space and solitude I'd definitely have missed my old life like crazy, and I do like my life as it is, so it's probably all worked out for the best, but I do have some regrets

I think you made the right choice. Having children with a personality like yours is very stressful. Also, kids rightly grow up and go off to lead their own lives. You can't rely on them for default social contact, and they will feel the burden and guilt of it if you do.

And personally, I really, don't want to burden my kids with my care needs.

Yeah, I should probably clarify I didn't mean my post to come over as if I thought having kids would mean care on tap. I'm my mum's carer/was my dad's, and it's not something I would have wanted to inflict on any kids I had had.

I meant more stuff like reaching old age and having adult offspring in my life generally - not necessarily on tap because you can't control where adult kids move to, and you can't even wholly control the relationship you have with them - but more a general feeling of family, if that makes sense, and hopefully a decent relationship with them and getting together on special occasions etc. And possible grandkids. But I made my choice, and I'm philosophical about/content with it most of the time, especially as my marriage is happy. Kids aren't a prescription against loneliness, I know. I just get the odd pang.

My personality, on the other hand really would not have gelled readily with the demands of having kids! I hope I could have found it in me to be as unselfish as I would have needed to be, but I suspect I wouldn't have felt like me any more, and some things would have been done reluctantly and with my teeth firmly gritted, and kids deserve better parenting than that. (That's before I even touch on the fact that my sleep disorder makes early mornings a massive struggle even without kids! )

@Umbellypico

You can't imagine what the love feels like until you have them.

But the problem is that people also can't foresee the difficulties, or how well they will be able to cope with them.

@Umbellypico

You can't imagine what the love feels like until you have them.

I love my son in a different way to how I've ever loved anyone else, but it's not a love I missed before I had it. I've experienced plenty of types of love, I think it's disingenuous to say people can't imagine what love feels like before they have children, more accurately they don't know what loving a child is like- but there are plenty of other types of amazing love.

Nah, I wish I was a tad younger, I'd have more children.
Back in 2015, I gave up what people would think of as a glamourous pursuit after my youngest was born in 2011.20+ yrs of work were finally coming to fruition. Balancing both was becoming impossible.
So one had to go. Child won.
New DP wants a child so that's what we are doing.

@Choopi the nappies, sleepless nights etc may, hopefully, be for a short time but plenty of other problems take their place as the children get older.

As I said, my friends all have grown up children, some have grandchildrenor even great grandchildren and yet over half of them say if they could go back in time they would have have them.

They say their children are still giving them grief and stress and often so are the grandchildren

I have 3 kids. 6,4 and 1. I was 33 when I had my first and will be 40 this year. I only wish I started younger so I could have one more. I loved my life pre kids and I love my life now. There’s no comparison as they were both different stages of life.

@TeddyisMydog

If I could go back in time, I wouldn't of had children people say you never regret having them but that hasn't been true in my case.

Lots of people don't say that because they know plenty of people do regret having them

Don't miss it really no. I mean it's not like I'll never go on holiday again!
I absolutely adore my kids and love life with them.

I know some people have difficulties but among my friends we all feel our kids are quite nice. We are proud of them, they make us laugh and smile, they are funny and clever and cute and affectionate, they enrich our lives.

I enjoyed my pre-kid life but was already a bit bored of it by the time I had my first. I miss parts of it sometimes but the bits you really love you find a way to get back to as the kids get older. The loss of spontaneity and carefree time is hard but I don’t mourn it’s loss very often. I’m too busy enjoying my wonderful kids. Both options (parenthood and childfree life) involve giving something up. Personally my kids are it worthwhile a thousand times over. I enjoy them so much and parenthood has made me a better, happier person in every way.

My children are my absolute world, no regrets, but when they were little I did miss just grabbing my purse and popping to the shop, without it becoming a full military exercise 😂 the lack of sleep, always eating in a rush etc. But they aren’t small for long.

I had children in my early twenties and in my late thirties/early forties and without a shadow of a doubt its been harder as an old mum.

I wonder if more women are starting to be less positive about children because women are having them later.

Nope. Being a parent is the bit of my life I've liked most.

Before kids I was relatively wealthy, utterly unfettered and very happy.

With kids I've been a lot poorer, very tied down and even happier.

Incidentally, I think that one's childhood has a lot to do with this.

I'm the eldest of five, and the other four are close together in age, so I feel I've spent my whole life looking after kids. The non-kid bit was a sort of fun period from my late teens and to my early thirties, and I really enjoyed it - but having kids in my life feels like my natural place.

I was you a few years ago OP. I don’t regret it for a second. I have occasional flashes of nostalgia for my youth and childfree life, but not regret. I enjoyed my childfree life but I reached a point where I felt I was ready to move on.

My children are still very young (toddler and baby) so I suppose there’s still plenty of time for me to regret it though!