To ask whether you miss your old child free life?

[Gdionysus]

DP and I are in our early 30s, both professionals living together in the city. Currently we’re very happy with our lives, enjoy regular holidays and spontaneous trips away, socialising with friends most weeks and a lot of eating out. As much as I love our lives at the moment, I feel we’re getting to the stage where we need to make a decision as to whether we went to choose the child free life or start to put the foundations in place to have children (marriage, plus I already know I can’t have children naturally, so would have to go down the IVF route which takes time).

Part of us feels as though we don’t want to give up the freedom we have right now, yet also worry we could regret the decision not to have children 10 years down the line, where it may be much harder/almost impossible given the fertility issues I already have.

Would be interested to know, for those who took the plunge and decided to have children, would you do the same if you had the choice again?

I adopted my son when he was 7 and I was 47. As tough as its been, he really is the best thing in my life.
I’m so proud of him and everything he has overcome and achieved.

He is 17 now, and whilst very independent, we have an amazingly close relationship.
I’d say my life is pretty much back to what it was. The house is a bit battered, he hasn’t done my finances much good, but I wouldn’t change our lives for anything

I miss my child free life every day! We have a 3 year old and an 8 month old. I miss sleep, being able to go out of the house without fuss, going to bars or the pub. I miss city breaks and getting drunk, miss the date nights, fancy restaurants, I could go on and on…BUT my children are the best thing I have ever done and I love them more than I could have ever imagined loving anything. I wouldn’t change things but I’m glad we waited to have children in our 30s so we got to live it up a bit before!

I don’t miss my life before children but we are very privileged to have a very good and extremely comfortable life where we can afford the things many consider a luxury.

We have several foreign holidays a year, book spontaneous weekends away, eat out often, both have time with friends and pursue our hobbies etc

Perhaps if we were in a different financial position my answer would be different, but I can honestly say there isn’t a single thing I miss from my life before my children.

Hell yes and I miss the excitement of fancying and meeting other men

no. I love my life with kids, i literally feel this is my calling in life. I work very hard, hold down a busy job, have kids, and enjoy every moment with them.

so no, you can still holiday, go out, be spontaneous as long as you are organised with a grab bag!

I have one child and it’s great. I find it odd people always say “children” in the plural because having one child can be a fantastic way to live. Our family of three gives us all each of us needs.

So funny me and OH we're just speaking about this, and yes we miss it so much! The kids pretty much take up our whole lives now with not much time for fun.

@museumum

I have one child and it’s great. I find it odd people always say “children” in the plural because having one child can be a fantastic way to live. Our family of three gives us all each of us needs.

Agree. Really regret having a second DC. The first was perfect!

Yes I did, however I had lots of fun pre kids and now at 40 they’re all older teens so I have that bit of my life back.

Husband and I loved travel before our child came along. We regularly had mini breaks and longer holidays and lived a good life full of restaurant and theatre trips. We had IVF in my early 30s which was thankfully successful and honestly I wouldn’t go back to my child free days. Much as they were easier, less stressful and were bloody fantastic in many ways, my life is genuinely enriched in ways I could never have imagined. I’m lucky, I love parenting, all aspects of it, even the less pleasant ones, and feel so lucky that I get to enjoy this extraordinary love and joy. I know others won’t feel the same and that’s obviously fine, I’m just glad I do feel this way.

Hell yes and I miss the excitement of fancying and meeting other men

I do miss those days on occasion too

Perhaps this isnt the response who would like, but I think if you're in your early 30's and know that you have fertility issues, the reality of your situation is that you don't have 10 years to wait! Fertility reduces rapidly from about 35 onwards, along with large increases in risk for pregnancy and chromosomal diseases. Plenty of women have children in their late 30's but I think a lot of people are surprised how much more difficult it can be to conceive. IVF is incredibly gruelling and expensive, as often NHS treatments can be very limited depending on where you live. If you want children, I would start thinking about things now. Do I miss my independence, ability just to go away or go out? Yes. Are children remarkably hard work? Absolutely. Life now is different. Better in some ways, maybe more restricted in others. If you're waiting for the 'right time' it might never happen for you.

No I would do it all again tomorrow and I feel like this is the happiest I've ever been. I have 2 sons 9 and nearly 6 and it's quite easy in terms of physical labour now. The hard part is if one of them is sad about something at school which I can't fix easily and I know that will increase in the teen years. But it's only hard because that's the price you pay for love, your happiness is dependent on theirs.
I'm not saying I'm a perfect parent who gets it all right and of course I get frustrated at times but I know I'm a good mum. I don't let daily stresses get to me and try to keep the home as calm as possible.
I really enjoy being with my kids. My 9 year old is great company, has a brilliant sense of humour and still really affectionate. My 6 year old loves his stories and cuddles in bed, and will spend hours colouring in. I can't imagine a world without them in it.
My other tip is to build the family life you actually want, friends of ours live near the beach and go in the sea all year round. Others are in a running club with their dc. Or do football all weekend. We like doing city breaks, museums and long walks with ours. Always with a reward of pizza and a movie afterwards! You don't have to live someone else's life.

Nope don’t miss it a bit. Full time parent 24/7 not been out socially in the 9 years since I became pregnant, other then school, kids with me all the time, whilst I know to some this would be hell, I love my little people and wouldn’t have it any other way, I don’t miss anything about my old life, being a mum has made me.

@Twizbe

I am sorry I find your post about needing a big project utterly, utterly patronising

I miss it daily. I love my kids but I'm not the sort of mum I thought I would be (I'm too shouty) and my eldest is autistic and I'm still coming to terms with the fact I will have to help him in some way for most his life.

I am so envious of child free friends, then comes the guilt for feeling like that!

I just commented on a previous thread saying how I miss living by myself, and me and my husband being able to do whatever we want whenever we want.

I haven't felt like myself for around 7 years now, and I wouldn't do it again if I knew what it was going to be like.

But I love them, and they are here and I will always do my best for them to make sure they are happy as they didn't choose to be born.

We have a two year old and a 9 month old, so very much in the thick of it at the moment. Also suffered unexplained fertility issues for around three years before arrival of dc1.

It's hard, very very hard. I miss sleep, although I know it's only temporary. I miss having time to myself, to read, to be creative, to hike without carrying children, to go anywhere really, without pushing a pram or having a baby in a sling. I miss the freedom to do what I want, when I want. It's exhausting and relentless and thankless and there's a lot of repetition and drudgery. And you feel undervalued . And however equal your partnership is, however much of a feminist your partner may be - it is hard not to fall into 'traditional ' male / female roles and you have to work hard not to allow resentment to build up. It will test your relationship, so be sure you have a strong one. The lows can be really low. BUT , the highs are really high - they are so funny and they bring me such joy in the smallest of ways. They're also teaching me to go with the flow a bit more, to be more patient, calmer, less judgemental, more grateful / appreciative - basically, without sounding too up my own arse (!!), I think they're gradually making me a better / stronger person. Bottom line - being a parent is simultaneously both the best and worst thing I've ever done. On balance, I wouldn't change it.

Not in the slightest!

I enjoyed my 20s, lots of travel, a well paid career, parties and restaurants.

But nowhere near as much as I have enjoyed being a mother.

I enjoyed each stage. As children grow, each stage gets better and better. Or it did for me. They are now lovely young adults.

I wouldn't have missed it for the world.

Yup miss it soooo much but if you told me I could go back and change the decision to have a child I would miss DD desperately (and she is a time consuming, strong willed, obstinate little terror). I think I was better rested, happier on a day to day basis, took better care of myself. Now I’m a skivvy.

You never get a day off. It doesn’t matter if they aren’t with you, your head is still full of stuff you need to do for them, are they ok. I didn’t understand before I had mine how much fear came with it for me, knowing that I couldn’t protect her from so much stuff. But thats just me and I do have an anxiety disorder so it’s not inevitable.

If you are happy as you are I would stay as you are. It can be extremely hard but also rewarding when you feel little arms around your neck giving you a hug or when they reach for you or learn something new. I think you should really really want to have kids before you do it.

*OfstedOffred

I had children in my early twenties and in my late thirties/early forties and without a shadow of a doubt its been harder as an old mum.

I wonder if more women are starting to be less positive about children because women are having them later.

I wouldn't think so. People waiting until their late 30s before having children are more likely to have given it more thought, be financially better placed and have already had many years of being able to travel etc and be ready to move to a new life stage*

The evidence on this thread wouldn't support that. Many women coming on here who had children very young saying they wouldn't change it and they never knew any different. It seems to be as Offred said those who waited and had many years of childfree adulthood who struggle. Also statistically children of older parents are more likely to have pregnancy complications, premature births and DC have SEN.

@Mountainbear

We have a two year old and a 9 month old, so very much in the thick of it at the moment. Also suffered unexplained fertility issues for around three years before arrival of dc1.

It's hard, very very hard. I miss sleep, although I know it's only temporary. I miss having time to myself, to read, to be creative, to hike without carrying children, to go anywhere really, without pushing a pram or having a baby in a sling. I miss the freedom to do what I want, when I want. It's exhausting and relentless and thankless and there's a lot of repetition and drudgery. And you feel undervalued . And however equal your partnership is, however much of a feminist your partner may be - it is hard not to fall into 'traditional ' male / female roles and you have to work hard not to allow resentment to build up. It will test your relationship, so be sure you have a strong one. The lows can be really low. BUT , the highs are really high - they are so funny and they bring me such joy in the smallest of ways. They're also teaching me to go with the flow a bit more, to be more patient, calmer, less judgemental, more grateful / appreciative - basically, without sounding too up my own arse (!!), I think they're gradually making me a better / stronger person. Bottom line - being a parent is simultaneously both the best and worst thing I've ever done. On balance, I wouldn't change it.

This post has summed up my feelings and allowed me to feel not quite so alone so thank you for that! You have put it perfectly.

I know your question is directed at parents but for what it's worth, I'm almost 41 and have decided not to have children. DP also does not want them.

I do understand why people have children, I get it. I also agree that in not having children you "miss out" on an incredible experience that you can't replicate.

However, for me, I am just not sure that I want that experience enough to do it. It's for life and it's such a huge thing that can't be undone. I think I'd rather "miss out" and enjoy other things. You can't experience everything in life, and for me parenthood is just one of those things.

I miss being pregnant and breast feeding though and feel sad I will never experience that again.

Feel exactly the same. The pregnancy and early years were really special although extremely tiring and as pp's said we had no help and it was just down to me and DH. But ut being able to stay at home with DS bonding and B/Fing were the best months of my entire life even when met with such strong opposition from parents, etc. I'd do it all again.

Pps say here they regret having a second and that's sad for them but I can understand why they would feel that as the bond you have with your first is just incredible. I long for the early years but only if I could rewind it, not necessarily have a second.

i have one child and it’s great. I find it odd people always say “children” in the plural because having one child can be a fantastic way to live. Our family of three gives us all each of us needs.

Def with you here

@BooseysMom I agree there is something so precious about feeding and holding your newborn for the first time; you cannot put it into words.
I wish you could bottle that feeling.
I will say though, I have 3 children and it is just as special each time and that incredible bond you get with the first, you also get with subsequent children. I did anyway.